bayliss

This makes me so sad because I don't know what I want...there are so many things going on in my life which makes me so confused. I feel like I have no one to talk to. When he "allows" me to drink he still gets mad...and when he tells me to make my own decisions...well, yet again, he still gets mad. I just don't know what to do anymore.

There are so many things in my life that I want...
Getting sober is one of them for sure...but I just don't know how to and I feel like my addicted "voice" is stronger at times.

JBB - He has told me once that if I don't cut down...or stop...or "help myself" then it is going to be over between him and I...I obviously don't want to lose him, I love him a lot...but sometimes my addiction is louder/stronger...I am doing it so that I don't lose him. Sometimes I will sit there and think, if we didn't live together, I wouldn't have to answer to him and I can do whatever the h**l I want to.
I feel that sometimes I am just being controlled and I want to do everything I can to do the opposite.

I won't lie. I love my sober nights, they are great...there isn't a night where booze doesn't cross my mind, but I'm not the only one. Am I not strong enough?
I hate booze. I hate the way it makes me feel. I can't control it, I can't stop at just two, I hate how it makes me fat, I hate how it makes me feel the next day, I hate how it worries my family and loved ones, I hate how it makes my boyfriend feel, the way my house looks after a drink-fest, the way I don't take care of myself, paint my nails, watch a movie, read a book or a magazine, do my dishes....

I'm sorry. I am venting.
My bf is not really talking to me today...booze-issue.
It's never-ending.
But it will be ending my relationship soon enough...

I WANT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ALCOHOL!!!

bayliss

I just would like to say one more thing...it just makes me so sad...makes me want to cry...

Dee74

Have you thought any more about support, Bayliss - AA, some other group, or counselling?

I think it might be good for you to have other people to talk to - it might even take off some off the strain this whole drinking thing seems to be putting on your relationship?

D

bayliss

I went to one AA meeting...I'm a little afraid to go again for some reason to be quite honest with you. My boyfriend said that he would go with me, but I doubt he would if I asked him.
I am seeing an addictions counsellor, but she doesn't help...I have noticed that I want to drink even more after I see her. I am not sure why. I don't feel entirely comfortable with her...
I am talking to a girl as well that is an alcoholic but sober now for 2+ years...but for whatever reason I feel like I am being judged (esp. after relapses).

I am reading up as much as I can on alcoholism and going on this forum as much as I can...well, I come on here A LOT...
I try to keep as busy as I can...but the place I live it just reminds me of booze all the time. I have thought of a change of scenery or new job as well.
Maybe I am just having an off day?

bayliss

Question.

A lot of people are saying that you need to get sober for yourself...what about those people that got sober when their SO said to them "stop drinking or get out"?

Dee74

My addiction was so important to me then that I got out.
Twice.

I was a very foolish drunk.

Maybe there are some people who can get sober for someone else - but I'm not one of them.
Do you think you are, Bayliss?

D

wpainterw

Bayliss: I'm sure lots of folks are going to catch what's going on here but I'll put in my thoughts as well. Looks like your "significant other" is part of the alcoholic setting, namely that this person is an "enabler" and that you are using him as a control. You're always asking him for "permission" and lying to him occasionally, hiding bottles, etc. It gets to be sort of a game. He's let himself be part of that. I used my wife as a control for years, lied to her and binged when she went on trips without me. It just doesn't work to use some other person as a control. Only you can get sobriety. You have to take charge of yourself. And that other person should stand clear. It's hard to do that but it works so much better that way. He should not be used as a control and and he should not be an enabler. He should not go around searching for hidden bottles and pouring them down the sink. Instead, he might go to Alanon and learn more about what to do and what not to do.
You say you like sobriety? O.K. Why not dose up on sobriety? If you really love the guy then give him a big present. Your own sobriety. But don't do it for him. Do it for yourself. Tell him you're going to do this and, when sober, you're going to love him even more. Tell him it's going to be a bit of a journey but, at the end, it's going to be the real "you", back with him. Do it because you owe it to yourself- not to anyone else. But, when it gets done, then tie it up with ribbon and give your boyfriend back the girl he loves. Free at last to love him.
Why not seek help from other alcoholics. AA or some other group. And if one counselor isn't working out, why not try someone else?

W.

wpainterw

I haven't had any news of those folks you mention. You say they got sober because someone else gave them an ultimatum? Like an intervention or something? Well maybe they did and maybe it worked. But maybe they ended up with so much resentment that this became a problem. (e.g. "You made me give it up. I didn't want to but you made me. You took the alcohol away. Just like I was a kid or something" etc. etc.)
Sobriety, to work, has to be something that a person wants desperately for herself. Because the drinking life just gets to be so miserable and sad that they want to be free of it. Because it's a form of slavery. Reach out and grab it for yourself. Not because someone told you to.

W.

artsoul

Hi bayliss -

It was hard to think clearly about my drinking/life when I was actively using. I tended to look at all the little things that were driving me crazy while ignoring the elephant in the room.

Me too..... It was on my mind all the time and I was so sick of it. I wanted to get off the not-so-merry-go-round - I wanted to have my mind back. It took time, though, probably a couple months before I was able to go for several hours without thinking about it.

The only way I know to reduce the cravings/urges is to stop drinking and stay sober no matter how you feel at the moment. Think about where you want to be in a year - wouldn't it be nice to be free?

Write out all the things you said you hated about alcohol and read them when drinking seems like a good idea. You can do it - but yes, I think you have to want it for yourself.

freshstart57

Freshstart57 checking in. I wasn't bullied into something I didn't want to do, but I had some reinforcements who were willing to tell my what I already knew. My drinking was getting pitiful and I knew it. That slap telling me to give my head a shake was just what I needed.

4 wks sober today, with no end in sight - it just feels too good ever take a drink again.

TheOjibway84

It all depends on what you want to do about it. I went through this sort of problem. I moved out of my parents house back in March of this year and I thought I was ready to have a sobered and active life without alcohol. But it ended up being a harder task then I thought. My room mates were daily drinkers and at first I could handle it but then it got to me and I drank for 5 months while on my own. Thing was sometimes when I drank I never told my family about it. The 1st time I didn't tell them I drank it drove me nuts because I was in the programme of AA and was suppose to be honest with them. Even if I wasn't in the programme I was raised to be honest. It drove me nuts because I was doing so well with being sobered and everytime I broke my promise of being sobered my mother would cry herself to sleep at night. Do what you feel is right. I think if you didn't tell him the truth then it'll make it worse. Because then you'll have so much to tell thats buried if you keep it a secret it'll ruin things more. I lost my parents very closely when I kept telling them I drank. One point my mother refused to have me over for dinner yet alone speak to her. She forgave me after she started going to alanon but there is still some hurt in her. I think you need to be honest and if you want to recover you got to be honest with him and yourself if you really want to quit drinking. You also have to admit defeat to alcohol. Good Luck and I pray the best for you.

Supercrew

I was given 10+ years of ultimatums from my wife, I knew she wasn't going anywhere, but I TRIED more than 100 times to cut back or quit drinking altogether, for her.

The reality was I was never going to quit until I decided I was quitting for me, because I wanted to. I would like to think that my wife and family played a role in helping me get to my final decision to quit. But the reality is if I want to drink nobody can stop me...except me. I will TRY for them, but I will DO for me.

No one puts the bottle to your lips except you, and until you decide you really want to quit you never will.

freshstart57

I would change that statement just a little bit.

soberlicious

Well for some people this can be the catalyst for change. An ultimatum is not always a bad thing. If followed through on, one can start to see a tangible loss from alcohol. Not always the case, certainly, but for some, yes. In my case, there was a real possibility that I would lose my children. So, yes, initially I quit drinking for them. But then, when the alcohol was out of my system a very cool thing happened. That incessent jumble of white noise desperate confusion in my head (that I also hear in your posts) began to clear. Then I could answer the question I asked you earlier. Do you want to quit drinking? Yes, I did...and there was no confusion about it. I did and I knew I did.
Bayliss, consider the possibility that the alcohol is messing with you... your ED is popping up again, possibly depression, marital difficulties. In my experience the only way to clear my head and think straight was to put down the alcohol.
Some real peace would feel so good wouldn't it?

Supercrew

I know it might be semantics, but I decided to quit many times, but it didn't happen until I really wanted to.

TigerLili

Maybe finding out a bit more about how addiction works, what it is and what it isn't, etc might help you.

THere is a book called 'Under The Influence' that a lot of peopel find helpful to understand more about addiction. The thing to bear in mind that if you are in fact an alcoholic (as opposed to a heavy drinker who can stop if they want to) your problem will get worse the longer you drink. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If you look back over your drinking history, do you think your drinking has gotten heavier and your ability to handle it has lessened?

SoberRightNow

Don't know how many of those there are to answer. For me, and for most alcoholics I know, it simply never worked for long.

I know a guy, personally, who is 36 and has spent over half his life in prison. He has done up to a 6 year stretch without any drink because he can't and as soon as he got out each time, first thing he would do would be drink again. He simply couldn't not, even after years, because he hadn't stopped for himself.

He's in AA now and two months sober by his own choices. It's an inspiration.

If you want to stop for you, find some support outside of yourself that works for you. None of us can do this by ourselves.

If you only want to stop for your boyfriend and drinking is not actually causing you a problem, I'm not qualified to even suggest what to do.

ajangel

I didn't quit drinking until I wanted to do it for myself. Not because I HAD to. I don't want to die because of alcohol. My boyfriend tried to force to me to quit many a time. He would kick me out, I would quit for 2 weeks, then start hiding from him and start back up again. Strange thing is, he didn't want me to quit completely. He just didn't want me to drink unless I was with him. This time its all me. I don't care if the whole world wants me to quit or not quit.

bayliss

Thanks everyone for commenting. I have a lot of thinking to do. How do you know you want to quit for good. Does anyone have any "moments" where they thought "THIS is IT". ? Other then hitting rock bottom.

Supercrew

My moment of clarity came after a 3 day binge and going through a pretty scary withdrawal. My wife was pissed at me but apathetic about my withdrawal, I almost embarrassed my son, and I was really coming to the realization that I was physically and mentally addicted to alcohol.

I had been drinking for 27 years, always a big binger, and then almost a daily drinker in the final 4 years. I finally noticed that drinking wasn't fun anymore, and it had become a much harder job for me than staying sober. I reflected back to all of the negative things that drinking brought me in the last 27 years. This is when I decided I wanted to quit for me.

I was at a place in my life where most people wouldn't consider me at rock bottom, I have a good paying career, with a great family and I have always been the "all american guy", but for me I was at rock bottom. I was spending at least $500 a month on my drinking habit, I was drunk everywhere I went, (most people couldn't tell), I would drink in the mornings to clean up myself up and feel normal again. Basically when I realized I needed to drink to feel normal is when I said I have a problem and I want to quit....forever. I looked back and realized that for the last 27 years the only thing I really lived for was getting drunk. Getting drunk was more important to me than my family, my sons, my job, and I was willing to put my life on the line and constantly get behind the wheel drunk...for 27 years.

So I didn't lose everything, and I wasn't homeless and divorced and living on the streets, although my health was hurting due to all the booze I have good genetics and I wasn't dieing yet. But once I realized that alcohol was the most important thing in my life for as long as I could remember, I was at my rock bottom. This is when I decided to quit, and I found SR shortly thereafter.