dating in early sobriety
 

I've heard mixed opinions on this. I just figured I would throw it out to the forum. There's someone who I'm currently crushing on who is in the program. He's been sober for 4 years and is a couple years younger than me. I have been talking to him a lot lately and we are planning to hang out this weekend just to get coffee and maybe go see a movie or something. I'm still in early sobriety (a little less than 2 months). I think if I were to start dating someone...I've been single for about 6 months...it would be best if it were someone who was also not drinking or using.

Any thoughts?

Hi lbern

I'm Australian, I don't really understand dating, but if you mean a friendship based thing, that's probably ok.

If you mean anything more...well...I have 4 years - and I wouldn't push myself on someone romantically with 2 months sobriety....

I remember back to 2 months and I was still finding out who I was back then.

I know we all want to be 'fixed' and throw ourselves into life again - but even the best relatiionships have their stresses and strains.

Be sure you're confident you can handle whatever happens.

I'm glad I put my recovery first, and I'm glad I waited until I was sure of who I was and what I had to offer before I put myself out there again.

D

ibern,

i have to concur with aunt dee,

a full blown relationship can wreak havoc.

the emotions and feelings bit.

we drank and druged over them,

and being that new, were not ready to handle ones that may run amok.

recovery first,

the rest will follow.

"Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism"

Well, I met my wife in AA. She had about 90 days then, I had a year. Still goin strong and sober 3 years later. There are exceptions to every rule but not often.

I'd listen to Dee, he knows what he's talking about!

I'd go to tthe movies in a group. Your "crush" may stay sober, you should keep sobriety as Number 1 Priority. If "crush" likes you enough, he'd wait for you to continue to grow in sobriety. I've been there, today, at 4 months, I stick to group outings.

Best wishes!

Clarification: if things happen, crush may stay sober, you might not. I ended up drinking again when things didn't work out, so I'm waiting to date or go out 1 on 1.

Well, I've got about four months sober and two years single and will be meeting a women I met on-line (quit the laughing, you all are on-line sobering) we are going to an art museum and lunch and are coming and leaving in seperate cars. she lives about a 2 hour drive. Taking it nice and easy and slow. She is a non-drinker, don't know if its recovery or smarts. Don't know if its a good or bad thing, I think its just a thing, and by cracky, I'm doing it. (Quit laughing)

I started dating my current "crush", now fiance (I met him online Fitz!), at about 6 months sober.
It's not recommended really, as you know, and I assume you know why.
Even though it's not recommended people do it all the time. Sometimes with devastating results, sometimes with success. I believe the successes to be the exception.
I suggest you tread lightly and keep your sobriety #1.

I hate using cliches but, "play the tape forward" and decide how you'll feel if things go bad with the guy. How have you handled disappointment and break ups in the past?

I mean, hey, it could work out to be the best relationship ever! But it might not, too.

I'm with Dee. Well....not WITH Dee... You know what I mean....:herewego

I hear you there. I'm not really looking to jump into a full blown relationship here just yet. It's funny because normally I am a long term relationship person but for the past year or so I've been more casually dating. It's been about 6 months or so since I've done that because I was too wrapped up in myself for a bit.

Now I feel like since I have been sober for a little bit and feel a million times better I want to try and start dating again. And I don't know, to me it just seems safer for me to hang out with a sober guy rather than someone who is gonna drink around me or show up to meet me already drunk or something like that.

One baby step at a time. I'm definitely not trying to rush anything.

I do agree as well. Love or lust and be an addiction as well and you may just be "transferring" one addiction to another. Please take it very slow and always ask what is good for MY sobriety before you make a decision.

i can find no where in the book Alcoholics Anonymous where it says to avoid any relationships for one year. I do find in the book Alcoholics Anonymous page after page of insightful examples of self reflection that teach me how to treat myself and others.

I think if I follow the directions I find in the book Alcoholics Anonymous I find ways to not just live sober, but how to rebuild my life and my relationships.

I do place my sobriety above everything else. And like others say, when I find myself in any situation, alone or with someone else, I consider the ramifications of things going sideways, not my way, and whether it will jeopardize my sobriety. Always.

And I do something else: I place others before myself, except when to do so would jeopardize my sobriety or serenity. If not, I turn around and walk the other way, slowly, without malice, checking to see if they are OK by looking over my shoulder.

The 1 year advice is advice. You can take it since no one else is using it!

The main warning encoded in this advice likely has to do with alienating yourself from a meeting and fellowship you really need for your sobriety. If you stop going toyour homegroup because the other person goes to the same meeting and knows the same people, this would not serve your primary purpose.

The other side of it is that the other party may not be entirely together themselves and a relationship that doesn't work out can be stressful generally. Amicable breakups are the exception.

If something doesn't work out, and you stop going to your meetings, and stressing out/losing ground, then the advice would seem sound. Take it slow, perhaps keep it to simply dating, and enjoy a longer courtship than one's loins may be pushing for!

I hope it works out. I didn't know how to handle myself let alone being a couple. I was trying to throw something into my life that felt good when I was newly sober. A new car, a new person, a new anything. Those all get old after awhile and you have to be able to fall back on the one true thing which for me is my higher power.