Leading me to drink...
 

Hello everyone,

As some of you may know, I am on vacation from work (thank goodness) for a little while...I have gone to my parents with my boyfriend for 2 weeks...I have been sober since August 30th...and the first week or so on my vacation it wasn't too bad...my Mom expressed her concern about the drinking and that she hopes that I don't drink while here...which I didn't really plan to...but them constantly "nagging" and saying that I can't touch booze makes me want it even more. I had a particularly stressful day today as even though I am thousands upon thousands of miles away from work - the people there still manage to crawl under my skin...work is one of the main reasons why I drank and now it's in my thoughts whilst away...anyways...
I decided - I don't know why - to drink tonight...picked up a bottle of wine and brought it to the house with me...I left it on the counter and left once again to go to the store...when I came back it was gone...my Dad and boyfriend were at the house while my Mom and I went for a bit more shopping...
Anyways, I am severely annoyed that it has been hidden from me. I am not a freak*n child...
I have a feeling that my Dad hid it from me...my boyfriend just said that he was going to talk to me about it soon...
I know that everyone is trying to help me...but when you are constantly telling me that I am not "allowed" to do something, then I want to do it even more.
I am filled with a bunch of anxiety and just want my mind and my craving to stfu right now...and I just want people to leave me alone and not think that I am handicapped or something....argh.
I don't know...it's really frustrating to me and irritating...instead of people trying to listen or understand or let me be and let me do this my own way and at my own pace they treat me like I am a child and that things need to be kept away by lock and key...

I just needed to vent. I am just confused...
I don't know what to do.
A part of me just wants to go to bed right now and not talk to anyone...and another wants me to stay up and wait and drink the little wine left in the fridge just because...

I don't know.
Am I acting like a child??

Hi Bayliss

well...I do understand the stress of families and the idea that the more someone forbids something the more I want it...I was there many times myself.

But let me put it this way....

Her house, her rules...and she seems to have your best interests at heart...

it really seems to me the adult thing to do would be to honour that wish - and you didn't.

Have you thought anymore about finding support, bayliss?
D

You have an opportunity to detox and clear your head for two weeks while away from work.

That is a good head start. Take advantage of it.

Sounds like a bit of a temper tantrum to me. I also want what I want when I want it!

Can you find an aa meeting to attend?

Dee74 - that is very true - her house, her rules...I need to remember that...I guess in a way I am acting childish because she is my Mom...
I don't know if I mistyped something, I haven't drank...yet...
I guess I don't plan on drinking tonight now...there is no point.
I am upset because this craving is strong now...especially since I picked up another bottle today and my boyfriend was fine with it, now he is saying that he shouldn't have allowed it and it is his fault for doing so...
I am feeling like I am being guilt-tripped sometimes...
I am trying to find more support...just here, on vacation, is a little difficult...and as sugarbear asked...I don't have a way of attending an AA meeting here.

Thanks AVRT. I guess I have to think of it in that way...that I have 2 weeks away from hellish work to work on myself and do the things that I like...
I guess there are other things that are also adding to my stress that make me think I want to drink to make it go away.
I just dislike when I am sitting in a different room and someone comes up to where I am and starts looking around seeing if I am hiding something.
It makes me feel like I'm on some sort of watch.

As much as I would be thrilled to have a drink or some sort of buzz right now to forget about this crap...I just won't.
Tea it is for me tonight...

Thanks guys.

You can call your local aa. Someone can pick you up and get you to one. I know I went to any length to get my alcohol, today I go to any length to stay sober.

You got to the store for two bottles, why not get a ride to a meeting. Search: aa city state

Best wishes! There's also speakers online to listen to....

I don't think you really want to quit drinking bayliss. From the way you speak, I would guess you are pretty young. Quit now before it's too late. I wish I would have

I don't know if I want to quit drinking - that is my problem...I do and I don't...or is it the cravings that are talking? I am in my 20s...all my friends drink...it's hard to have a social life when all people my age want to do is sit around a bonfire and drink or go to clubs and drink or watch a hockey game and drink...
And I know I can do all of these things while sober and still probably have fun, but it's a tad difficult to do when you are trying to quit drinking and avoid alcohol.
It's making my social life non-existent since people know how much of a "party-girl" I used to be and pressure me to drink when I do end up being around them (this hasn't happened often though as I try my best to avoid situations such as these).

I won't lie, I did self-medicate since anxiety was difficult to deal with the last little while, I know that drinking doesn't help anxiety and stress in the least - well, in the long term anyways...
I know I have to slow 'er down a tad or it is just going to get way out of hand for me.

I didn't end up drinking last night...I don't plan on drinking for the rest of my trip either.
My boyfriend was the one that put the bottle of wine away...as my Dad had expressed some concern that it would "tease" me. He didn't know I bought it.
Just to hear that, and what Dee74 said about this not being my house and to respect my parents wishes is enough to make me not want to drink for the rest of my trip here at home.

Maybe I don't want to quit? I know people need to *want* to quit...but everyone wants to quit at some point...and then of course there are those nights where you desperately want something to drink. Last night was one of those nights. Of course there isn't a day where I don't think of alcohol...or wanting it. But it's one day at a time...

Dear Bayliss,

When you want to quit, I know you will. One thing I can relate to is other people trying to control me (with my drinking) and me wanting to rebel against them! I am adult now - what the heck am I rebelling against? I'm only hurting myself. Take care of yourself - sounds like you need a better work environment (boy, can I relate - looking right now myself). And remember that all your loved ones around you care about you and are trying to support you. Let them love you - better yet, learn to love yourself! Best wishes

Hi Bayliss -

I don't think you are acting like a child, I just think you are acting like an addict. ;)

Maybe you've got some pride that you have to work on killing? It's tough to hear others say what's best for you because we all want to be able to say what's best for ourselves. I had some friends confront me about my drinking last year and say how it was hurting me. They had my best interests in mind, but I got petulant when they confronted me. They were only looking out for my good, but I wanted to be in control and do what I wanted to do, even though I knew it wasn't the right thing. I wanted to keep on drinking out of spite, because I didn't want to admit they were right. I'd quit when I was damn good and ready.

It's terribly humbling to have to submit to someone else's advice, especially when it's a friend or family member. I find that it's easier when it's someone I have invited into my life for that purpose -- for example I don't have any problem following my therapist's advice because that's what I pay him to do -- but when it is someone that I consider a peer I find it hard to admit that they are right about something and I'm wrong.

It all comes down to pride. Pride can be a real killer -- literally. Try to get over your pride while you can, because if you don't then you will possibly end up drinking again, and possibly get to the point where you find yourself so humiliated by your drinking that you end up being humbled because you have nothing left to be proud of. If that doesn't happen then you might just end up drinking yourself to death out of spite.

The other thing is, I have seen some people (including myself at times) try to quit drinking with their pride intact -- "I'll show you! I don't need to drink!" -- and this often ends in failure too. Being sober out of spite makes no more sense than drinking out of spite, because eventually you'll realize that your drinking is ultimately affecting you the most and the only person you are bargaining with is yourself.

I have dealt with a lot of pride in my life, and find that it's a constant (daily) battle. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I do better. I've found that some great ways to fight your pride are to focus on being grateful and having an honest opinion of your own shortcomings. A great book I have read says "Pride comes before destruction", and I think these are wise words to heed.

Best wishes :)

It is such a misconception that not drinking=no social life. It takes no courage, no intellect, no personality, no creativity, no anything to find fun in a bottle. My best friend and lover (booze) turned on me viciously. Redefine "partying"...I am still a party girl in the sense that I love to have fun and I do it all the time. I don't drink or drug. ever. Haven't for years...yet people love to be around me, invite me to do things all the time...what does that tell you? When you like who you are, and your sense of who you are comes from within not from without, life can be a party. The party is not in the bottle, the party is in you.

Nothing leads you to drink except that thing between your ears. No one can keep you sober but you.

Wow...you are so incredibly lucky that you have people who care enough about you that they are willing to make you angry in order to help.

Drinking won't make anything better, but it will make everything worse. I think you would benefit from some counseling, but that's just me...I think almost everyone would benefit from it.

Try and see your families action for what it is....love.

Hi bayliss -

Part of you must want to be sober or you wouldn't be here. Here's a bit of your first post:
There will always be people who annoy us, problems at work, relationship issues, etc.... We can choose to look at those things as opportunities to grow or as justifications for drinking. Something that has helped me is to stop dwelling on the negative thoughts and emotions, and look for the positive:

Maybe the word "vacation" shouldn't ever be used when trying to recover from an addiction. My brain is programmed for when i hear the word "vacation", i assume i will be getting smashed. If i was to go away some where from home, i might consider telling myself this is a road trip, or something lol, idk. All i know is i sure don't need the type of vacation my head is used to.

Hi Bayliss--I am 42 and I just realized this past month that there were lots of people that weren't drinking and partying in my twenties--they had healthy interests, I just wasn't attracting their kind because I was, well, drinking and partying (although high functioning and successful--makes denial so much easier!). I carried my own "attraction" of other High Functioning Alcoholics into my thirties....

I know it's hard, I'm just sayin they are out there, and when you change, you will find them. I'm hoping it won't take you as long as it did me to realize there's a whole 'nuther world of people that don't have drinking at the center of their life.

Hang on!!!

Hey Bayliss. Falling back into old patterns and cycles is all part of what we have to deal with and work through. Using the behaviour of other people to influence the decision to drink will not lead to a successful outcome.

In a word, yes.

I didn't believe this when I was drinking, but vodka was causing the problems (anxiety, depression, anger) that I drank to relieve. It wasn't just that alcohol didn't help, it was a big part of the problem. Dry out for a while, and see if this applies to you too.

I tried to stop drinking many times in my 20s and 30s - or that's what I said.
What I was actually trying to do was find a way to drink 'responsibly' and with control.

I didn't want to change my life - I was scared of change and of being thought different.

All that's understandable - but I nearly killed myself by staying in denial and not facing up to my problem.

My relationship with alcohol was is and always will be self destructive - it's not in my power to change that - there was more than enough evidence to prove that, but I ignored it.

Reading your posts, I wonder if you're like me Bayliss.

I wish I'd have accepted the truth 15 years earlier than I did.

I literally set myself free when I accepted my reality.

D