22 days and Surrender
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
22 days and Surrender
i'm a binge drinker, and today is day 22.
I woke up angry. really angry. drank too much coffee, got into my head, got angrier.
worked a bit and then went to therapy...realized that on a day like today, well, it's when i'd drink. I'd escape to a coffee shop to "work" but order the wine instead. pretend it's a lovely way to work, with my laptop and a glass of wine.
I'd get another. get psyched up. get nothing done. keep drinking. or maybe not. i wasn't in control after that sip, or before that. I'm an alcoholic and today was a typical day to drink for me. but i didn't.
with some meditation in therapy, and figuring out what was going on (anger) i managed to start the day over. and it worked. and i prayed. that worked too.
aaaaand then i my 5:30pm appointment canceled.... and suddenly there it was: the second time i would have typically gone for "a glass of wine" (never just a glass). a celebration. a glass alone at a "lovely little bar" - I never admitted to anyone that i did that, because it was rarely just a glass, and if it was, that only means i was lucky. Sometimes i told my boyfriend, but i would mask it as "i needed to relax" - no, the truth is i was getting drunk alone pretending to "relax" or "celebrate a night alone" - More recently my "drinking buddy" was in town, so we were drinking together daily by the end...
only to wake up the next morning generally wanting to die. and hoping i hadn't blacked out. or ruined my relationship. or my job.
then realizing i didn't get anything done all day. not wanting to do anything else. and not doing anything else as a result - nothing other than wallowing feeling rotten. getting high to ease the edge. crying and wanting to die.
yeah, so - today i had that moment - a typical moment where i would have gotten drunk.
twice.
i didn't do it! I didn't have to. It was tough...until i prayed, and then i felt better. I went for a walk, but didn't quite do what i wanted (i wanted to go to a coffee shop & read from the big book) but started to walk (with my backpack), got a little cold, came back to my apt and ate some junk food (ick)
but i didn't drink.
I have to figure out why i came home and ate junk food...but i didn't drink.
22 days sober.
I can sense the pink cloud is fading, and it's starting to set in. really really set in. I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink. I am powerless over alcohol. I am not in charge.
I prayed and heard. this isn't religious. it feels like the jedi force to me, that's how i sense it at least. higher power = the force.
I surrender. this is what it is. I surrender. On day 22 i realize that i didn't really understand Surrender on day 10, but needed to take all of this time to really think about the word
Surrender
I woke up angry. really angry. drank too much coffee, got into my head, got angrier.
worked a bit and then went to therapy...realized that on a day like today, well, it's when i'd drink. I'd escape to a coffee shop to "work" but order the wine instead. pretend it's a lovely way to work, with my laptop and a glass of wine.
I'd get another. get psyched up. get nothing done. keep drinking. or maybe not. i wasn't in control after that sip, or before that. I'm an alcoholic and today was a typical day to drink for me. but i didn't.
with some meditation in therapy, and figuring out what was going on (anger) i managed to start the day over. and it worked. and i prayed. that worked too.
aaaaand then i my 5:30pm appointment canceled.... and suddenly there it was: the second time i would have typically gone for "a glass of wine" (never just a glass). a celebration. a glass alone at a "lovely little bar" - I never admitted to anyone that i did that, because it was rarely just a glass, and if it was, that only means i was lucky. Sometimes i told my boyfriend, but i would mask it as "i needed to relax" - no, the truth is i was getting drunk alone pretending to "relax" or "celebrate a night alone" - More recently my "drinking buddy" was in town, so we were drinking together daily by the end...
only to wake up the next morning generally wanting to die. and hoping i hadn't blacked out. or ruined my relationship. or my job.
then realizing i didn't get anything done all day. not wanting to do anything else. and not doing anything else as a result - nothing other than wallowing feeling rotten. getting high to ease the edge. crying and wanting to die.
yeah, so - today i had that moment - a typical moment where i would have gotten drunk.
twice.
i didn't do it! I didn't have to. It was tough...until i prayed, and then i felt better. I went for a walk, but didn't quite do what i wanted (i wanted to go to a coffee shop & read from the big book) but started to walk (with my backpack), got a little cold, came back to my apt and ate some junk food (ick)
but i didn't drink.
I have to figure out why i came home and ate junk food...but i didn't drink.
22 days sober.
I can sense the pink cloud is fading, and it's starting to set in. really really set in. I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink. I am powerless over alcohol. I am not in charge.
I prayed and heard. this isn't religious. it feels like the jedi force to me, that's how i sense it at least. higher power = the force.
I surrender. this is what it is. I surrender. On day 22 i realize that i didn't really understand Surrender on day 10, but needed to take all of this time to really think about the word
Surrender
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Ocean Size
I don;t know about anyone else but I just reached a point when I couldn't pretend a drink sounded like a good idea anymore...no matter how rough things got, they had to be better than a drink.
Surrender..acceptance....whatever you call it...I really turned a corner when I got some.
way to go
D
I don;t know about anyone else but I just reached a point when I couldn't pretend a drink sounded like a good idea anymore...no matter how rough things got, they had to be better than a drink.
Surrender..acceptance....whatever you call it...I really turned a corner when I got some.
way to go
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
