pressure from my sponsor
 

Hi,

I am on day 6 and starting to feel better. I went to my first AA meeting on Sunday. We only have one meeting a week on the island and the nearest daily meetings are over a 3 three hour round trip away. I am trying to hang on to my job (which I love) but I have pushed my managers to the brink over the last few months. I can't take that kind of time of everyday but my sponsor is getting very aggressive with, she says I am not showing the neccessary commitment. I am, in addition to weekly meetings, reading a lot of literature, increasing my excercise, eating better, doing yoga and spending time on here. I am feeling positive and motivated but the pressure my sponsor is putting on me is really starting to stress me, she says that if I don't do the 90 meetings in 90 days I am pretty much doomed to fail but I just can't take that kind of time out of my day with both work and an 8 year old son (single mum).
I'd be grateful for your opinions.
Thanks guys,
Mac

Welcome!

Here's Something to Think about:

I had the luxury of attending 4 meetings daily. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't have a sponsor, yet, and I can take a ten minute walk to meetings most days.


At 6 days your sponsor is pressuring you to make a meeting daily at 3 hours and you have a child? My sponsor works according to the big book, not watered down rehab info.

What's your sponsor doing about your program? The solution is in the steps. The steps, as written are only an overview of the solution. The instructions for working the steps is in the big book.

Maybe you need a sponsor who will help you work a program.

On the other hand, how many hours did you spend drinking? If you spent 3-4 hours or more, Daily, Is it Really a bad thing to get to a Daily Meeting to Listen and meet members of our fellowship?

How badly do you want to stay stopped? Think about it. I have my own program to participate in.

Get a different sponsor. 90 meetings in 90 days is not realistic. I agree with getting moving on the steps. I was working on steps 1,2, and 3 even before my first meeting.

Hi mac3911,

Congrats on six days sober. Whan I first became sober, (over 90 days ago) a friend of a friend in AA would e-mail me and bombard me with the 90 meetings in 90 days and I needed to go into rehab for 3-6 months tirade. If I did not do this I was on the road to a sure death. I can't make it to meetings easily, in the first month I would spend all day to get to the Sunday meetings and 5-6 hours to the meetings during the week.
Due to work committments, I can't make meetings at all and haven't been for a month, I would be quite happy if I could make a meeting once a week.
I got really annoyed with this "fire and damnation" approach. I could not do 90 meetings in 90 days, I could not drop everything and go into rehab, I need to make a living. Not to sound to ungrateful, I did appreciate some of the advice and wrote and told her so. I discontinued the e-mails, she was convinced I had fallen off the wagon by not following her advice. That kind of approach is a total turn off for me, tell me on these terms to do something and I wont, suggest the wisdom of doing something and I will think about it.
Anyway do what you need to do. You know what that is. You have enough stress keeping the job and looking after your child. Stay sober, that's all you need to think about at the moment.
All the best
CaiHong

My sponsor is happy I get to 3-4 meetings a week. I was the one getting to lots of meetings cause I didn't want to be alone AND I needed to find a sponsor.

3 meetings is good. Talking/working with sponsor "counts" or is better than a meeting.

If you get to 90 in 90, when do you have time to work your program?

Daily meetings = rehab crap

Working steps, embedded in the big book help us to grow and to become "recovered alcoholics"

You're a six-day miracle! Stay stopped, give time time, and find guidance from someone with a real aa program!

I’m pretty busy with work too, I should be doing more for my recovery but I stay here a lot reading and listen to a lot of audio about recovery, you just got to do what it takes.

Congrats on the 6 days, that is a great start to a sober life!

Thank you so much for all the replies. I guess ideally, I would like to attend more meetings but I have to be realistic. It would take me over three hours to get there and back plus the meeting itself of course so at least 4 hours for a meeting which is just not feasble. It is not a lack of comittment to sobriety as my sponsor seems to think!

Congratualtions Mac on your sober days.
I never did 90 in 90. My town has a meeting once a week and lately I haven't gone because I have a new position/hours at work.
However, I did do a 6 week rehab that got me on track.
You don't have to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. This is ultimately your recovery, your family, your job and your life.
You do what you feel is right for you and if your now sponser stamps her feet and cries, so be it.
Wishing you peace and strength.

mac3911, if you don't like your sponsor then you can always change it. I'm not in to AA because it was never for me when I went. I did have a sponsor and he was the same way. He went there every night and wanted everyone that he sponsor to do the same. A lot of people who work the program that way live their life around AA.

Make as many meetings as you think you need. The most important thing you can do it to not drink and change your bad lifestyle to a healthy one and you should be okay.

I would think having a job would be more important then not having one but that would be me.

Good luck and keep your trucking.

Hi, thanks again for the responses. ACT10Npack, my sponsor is the same, she has been sober 12 years but goes to a meeting every afternoon and most evenings, it is her whole life, her whole social life is structured around it and it is so not for me. It is like she has just swapped one obsession for another and hasn't actually moved on with life, maybe I am being a bit harsh on her but I would like to think there is a life at the end of the tunnel and not just back to back meetings for the rest of my life!

mac3911, welcome!!!! So glad to have you here with us!!

I am also working the AA program, and am getting a bit frustrated, as I don't even HAVE a sponsor yet, yet my home group knows I need one, even a temporary one, and I have asked a woman from there (via phone) to be my sponsor. That was on Sunday and not one word back from her.

I understand that as recovering alcoholics, we need to do whatever it takes to stay sober. However, attending a meeting every single day is sometimes not possible when there is work and child rearing to consider (not the mention that endless list that comes with living single and having to do everything yourself). I am lucky in that right now I am freelancing (few and far between projects right now unfortunately) and my daughter is in school all day, so I can do this right now (there have been days on weekends that I go to two meetings if I have the time). However, when I do get a full time job, I will be pressed for time a LOT more (even doing this is keeping me hopping all day, everyday, and that without a sponsor).

That being said, AA is not the only way and is not for everyone, I am still unsure if it is the way I will ultimately stay recovered. But there are other similar programs out there that I have read work for a lot of people. You need to do what is best for YOU and YOUR sobriety.

I wish you the very best of luck, whichever route you choose!! :grouphug:

your sponsor needs to exercise letting go. If she is trying to get you to go to all those meetings, and is getting aggressive about it, it would seem that she is imposing her will on you. Not part of the Big Book strategy.

Do your best and strike a balance, I think that you will eventually find out the proper number of meetings that will suit. The great thing about them is that you can increase them at any time if you feel you need to.

Hi guys,
Well I left a message for my sponsor but she hasn't called back, I think she is trying to distance herself from me because I am not doing exactly as she says. When I told her I had found some additional resources online that I was utilising, she got very upset with me.
Anyway, it is the end of day 6 for me, nearly bedtime and I am looking forward to a nice book and a cup of tea (God, never thought I would hear myself say that! :) )
I think it is time for me to have a real heart to heart with my sponsor, I am finding honesty is the only way for me now. I am just so scared to offend or upset her, I know it's crazy but I am one of those people who want to please other people all the time and I need to remember that I need to do the right thing for me this time even if I end up offending someone.
Thanks again for all of you who took the time to reply, I really appreciate your insight and advise!
I can't believe I will be on 7 days tomorrow - a whole week!!
Mac :)

Yep thats exactly what i would have posted too:-)

Good for you on 7 days!!!!! WOOT!!! So happy for you!!!!

And you seem very wise, in that you are letting things play out to suit what is best for YOU. That is what it is all about (only my opinion of course).

i also tend to be a people pleaser, it is a hard thing to let go of. But you are worth it!!

Just a consideration for you, mac, are those the things that the recovered alcoholics in AA did to get and stay sober?

Even though daily meeting attendance might not be realistic in your situation, daily progress in the Steps is certainly doable. The BB contains specific and precise directions for how to recover from alcoholism.

People are going to give advice about AA along three separate lines. One is along the line of 'do what feels good and what you think is right.' The results of that are self-evident in this thread. Another is 'do this because that's what I did and it worked for me'. That might be of some value to you if you are suffering from the same ailment as the person giving that direction. And in AA, hopefully, somebody will share with you the directions from the BB for having a spiritual awakening, which works for just about everyone that really does it.

Good Morning.

I no nothing about the AA program so am just commenting on what i've read. Pressure will not work! You must do what feels right for you-as the mother of two boys i would feel much more of a reward and inspiration to stay from sitting with my child and playing a board game then sitting in a room with strangers. And it's not like you don't want to go to meetings-a three hour drive is unrealistic! Once a week will have to do-and you can visit us here everyday :)
Cheers!

There's nothing wrong with finding another sponsor.
90 meetings in 90 days isn't a requirement to get sober. I've never tried it but, I know you can attend meetings online. Perhaps you can do that during the week when driving 3 hrs isn't feasible?

I agree. Suggest to your sponsor that you are willing to meet with her daily or meet with another alcoholic with more experience than you for at least 45 minutes each day.

IMO f2f mini-meetings in coffee shops are just as good, if not better than formal meetings. The important thing is that you work the steps ASAP with some guidance.

That is a bunch of nonsense, such nonsense that it steams me just to read it. Your sponsor is dead wrong. :c004:

I enjoy long term abstinence. I am not an AA member anymore, but I was for many years. I never did 90 in 90. I had young kids too when I got sober, and it was impossible for me to make that many meetings. After I got sober, I sponsored dozens of women and never asked a single one of them to do any particular number of meetings. All I asked them was if they had a commitment to stay sober each day and what they were able to do each day to make that happen.

Now I'm not going to tell you that all my sponsees got sober. Not by a long shot. But I will tell you this: every single one of them who wanted to stop drinking, did so.

By the way, a little factoid I picked up: guess what fact about a person is the biggest predictor of them successfully quitting drinking?

It isn't the program they go to.
It isn't the amount of meetings they go to.
It isn't having a sponsor.
It isn't having a homegroup.
It isn't going to rehab.

It is: Being married.

Just a little reality check!