My Bottom.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 11
My Bottom.
I've hit a bottom that is really unbelievable. Lucky to be alive but there isn't anything left of my life.
I'm an alcoholic that has been relapsing on Xanax and Vicodin. Last February I lost my job and the girl who I loved tremendously due to my drug use.
There were plenty of red flags. Plenty. Somehow I didn't or wouldn't see them.
After she ended things I immediately checked into rehab (Discovery Place, Tennessee) and was there for 4+ months.
I'm back in Chicago now and trying to come to terms with what I did to my life. It's been impossible not to think about the devastation.
The girl doesn't want me to contacvt her and I won't. She deserves better than what I gave her. I was very nice to her but I was incoherent at times, missed dates, and lied to cover my using. She's not an idiot. I just can't believe I did those things to her. Just terrible.
Anybody else going through things like this??
Brian
I'm an alcoholic that has been relapsing on Xanax and Vicodin. Last February I lost my job and the girl who I loved tremendously due to my drug use.
There were plenty of red flags. Plenty. Somehow I didn't or wouldn't see them.
After she ended things I immediately checked into rehab (Discovery Place, Tennessee) and was there for 4+ months.
I'm back in Chicago now and trying to come to terms with what I did to my life. It's been impossible not to think about the devastation.
The girl doesn't want me to contacvt her and I won't. She deserves better than what I gave her. I was very nice to her but I was incoherent at times, missed dates, and lied to cover my using. She's not an idiot. I just can't believe I did those things to her. Just terrible.
Anybody else going through things like this??
Brian
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
I've been through the experience of someone not wanting me to contact them again, yeah.
I felt a deep sense of shame guilt and regret for a long time - which fuelled further drinking.
Eventually I drew a line under the past - I can't change what I did yesterday but I can do things differently today.
Eventually I got myself and my life back together...and living my life 'right' for nearly 5 years now has given me a sense of peace.
I've done what I can to make amends, directly and indirectly. I do regret the pain I caused others but I believe it would be self destructive, and truth be told self indulgent, of me to carry that pain around for ever.
I've forgiven myself - whether othes forgive me is beyond my control.
I look forward now - there's people in my life now who want me around
I hope you'll find peace too Bri
D
I felt a deep sense of shame guilt and regret for a long time - which fuelled further drinking.
Eventually I drew a line under the past - I can't change what I did yesterday but I can do things differently today.
Eventually I got myself and my life back together...and living my life 'right' for nearly 5 years now has given me a sense of peace.
I've done what I can to make amends, directly and indirectly. I do regret the pain I caused others but I believe it would be self destructive, and truth be told self indulgent, of me to carry that pain around for ever.
I've forgiven myself - whether othes forgive me is beyond my control.
I look forward now - there's people in my life now who want me around
I hope you'll find peace too Bri
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi Brian. I definitely did thoughtless & hurtful things to my family while under the influence. I was drinking 24/7 & never had it out of my system long enough to see the hell I was creating. All I thought about was staying numb so I wouldn't have to face up to my problems. Things spun out of control, & I turned myself into a person I didn't even recognize.
The only way to get your life back on track is to stay sober and live the best life you possibly can - now. I spent years filled with regret and remorse over things I'd done. Those feelings can destroy you, and are useless now. It's helpful to remember what happened so it isn't repeated, but you must allow yourself to move on and leave those old regrets in the dust.
We are glad you're here - most of us have been through the same things you have. I hope as you read the stories and encouraging words, you will no longer feel alone.
The only way to get your life back on track is to stay sober and live the best life you possibly can - now. I spent years filled with regret and remorse over things I'd done. Those feelings can destroy you, and are useless now. It's helpful to remember what happened so it isn't repeated, but you must allow yourself to move on and leave those old regrets in the dust.
We are glad you're here - most of us have been through the same things you have. I hope as you read the stories and encouraging words, you will no longer feel alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Oh yeah, I did plenty of thoughtless things too. My main thing was to not return calls, because I was busy drinking, and I lost a wonderful friend that way.
But, I do try to believe that I am where I am supposed to be, as are you.
Good for you for spending 4 months in rehab and taking care of yourself.
But, I do try to believe that I am where I am supposed to be, as are you.
Good for you for spending 4 months in rehab and taking care of yourself.
orangutan
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 5,970
Hi Brian and welcome, I lied about the amount of booze I was drinking too but me husband could tell just by looking at me . If I had kept going the way I was he would not be with me today. I hope things can turn around for you.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I was sober for two years when my 19 year marriage ended (in November 2009). I have taken my share of the responsibility for this failure. I also have 50/50 joint custody of two children under 10 who constantly ask "what happened?" Through the 12 steps, I have come to forgive myself and have made what amends I can. Honestly, I only have one life to live and can't spend the rest of my days reliving the past, full of regrets, feeling sorry for myself.
Just keep moving forward one day at a time. It gets better.
Just keep moving forward one day at a time. It gets better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Life produces bad experiences, as well as, good times. Unfortuantely, the bad experiences seem to fester in our minds and eat at our soul because of the guilt and shame.
I consider every mistake a learning tool and add it to my long novel called "what not to do in life". LOL Next time hopefully, I am smart enough not to make that mistake again.
We can't change the past...can't change the shame and can't change how OTHER people feel or react. All you can do is stay on the right path to better yourself and don't do it again. Live and learn.
I consider every mistake a learning tool and add it to my long novel called "what not to do in life". LOL Next time hopefully, I am smart enough not to make that mistake again.
We can't change the past...can't change the shame and can't change how OTHER people feel or react. All you can do is stay on the right path to better yourself and don't do it again. Live and learn.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
hi bri2,
yes, i've definitely been addicted to pain pills and I've also been rejected in love and convinced that it was all my fault. alcohol turns me into a terrible person. And then i blame myself for everything that goes wrong. I end up giving myself reasons to say that another person deserves better than me - because that's the BS story on which my alcoholism survives. I'm an alcoholic. can't drink. allergic. when i drink i take great measures to put myself in danger and hurt the people i love.
When I hit bottom 22 days ago i knew something was forever changed. I crawled into the program on my hands and knees, like never before. this was different, not because i thought i could do something about my problem but because i knew that i couldn't.
anyway, i am finding that when my head is full of shame and/or flashbacks of regrets it helps to pause and think of something i'm grateful for. also, i've been doing this wonderful exercise at the suggestion of a friend with 20+ years of sobriety in AA: Every morning and every evening when brushing my teeth i look at myself in the mirror and say "i love you and i forgive you"
I even wrote it on a post-it note and put it by the mirror.
one day at a time (one hour, one minute at a time), going to meetings, the post-it notes & exercises, and deep surrender have all helped me (somehow, some way) move forward. 22 days ago I didn't think i would (or should) live. Today I am sober and grateful to be alive, and tomorrow i start all over again.
because I am an alcoholic, i'm in recovery, and i surrender.
yes, i've definitely been addicted to pain pills and I've also been rejected in love and convinced that it was all my fault. alcohol turns me into a terrible person. And then i blame myself for everything that goes wrong. I end up giving myself reasons to say that another person deserves better than me - because that's the BS story on which my alcoholism survives. I'm an alcoholic. can't drink. allergic. when i drink i take great measures to put myself in danger and hurt the people i love.
When I hit bottom 22 days ago i knew something was forever changed. I crawled into the program on my hands and knees, like never before. this was different, not because i thought i could do something about my problem but because i knew that i couldn't.
anyway, i am finding that when my head is full of shame and/or flashbacks of regrets it helps to pause and think of something i'm grateful for. also, i've been doing this wonderful exercise at the suggestion of a friend with 20+ years of sobriety in AA: Every morning and every evening when brushing my teeth i look at myself in the mirror and say "i love you and i forgive you"
I even wrote it on a post-it note and put it by the mirror.
one day at a time (one hour, one minute at a time), going to meetings, the post-it notes & exercises, and deep surrender have all helped me (somehow, some way) move forward. 22 days ago I didn't think i would (or should) live. Today I am sober and grateful to be alive, and tomorrow i start all over again.
because I am an alcoholic, i'm in recovery, and i surrender.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone for the kind words. It's a major struggle. Not so much sobriety right now because I'm so freaked out. I'm the type of addict who uses when things are good and then tears everything down.
This time I did unrepairable damage to someone I really love. I was never mean or abusive but I'd disappear and lie to cover it.
I was withdrawing from Xanax and Vicodin pretty often. I'd get a months prescription- be high for 2 weeks, sick for a week and ok for a week. Then repeat.
Work was onto me big time. They let me go and I started to drink. Then I was 'out of touch' and came up with some lie as to where I was and what I was doing. That was it for her. So sad. It goes against everything I felt about her. I spent my whole relationship trying to be the best for her. It was what I was doing to myself that destroyed it. Didn't see it at all. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
'Oceansize' I have to ask is that a Jane's Addiction reference by any chance?
This time I did unrepairable damage to someone I really love. I was never mean or abusive but I'd disappear and lie to cover it.
I was withdrawing from Xanax and Vicodin pretty often. I'd get a months prescription- be high for 2 weeks, sick for a week and ok for a week. Then repeat.
Work was onto me big time. They let me go and I started to drink. Then I was 'out of touch' and came up with some lie as to where I was and what I was doing. That was it for her. So sad. It goes against everything I felt about her. I spent my whole relationship trying to be the best for her. It was what I was doing to myself that destroyed it. Didn't see it at all. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
'Oceansize' I have to ask is that a Jane's Addiction reference by any chance?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Babylon
Posts: 37
I think almost all addicts in recovery has lost some one they love because of their addiction. I used to treat my girl friend almost like a daily chore, so i can get started drinking. Like clock work i used to pick her up at 4pm after work every day, and try my dam hardest to get her home in an hour, so i can start my nightly binge.
She was not stupid either, she knew exactly what i wanted to do. And at the time I chose the bottle over what could of been my wife. Today she is married with a beautiful child and great family, and i am alone struggling every dam day to stay sober. I havn't been abble to keep more the 5 days sober yet, but atleast i try now. I will get me life back one day at a time.
She was not stupid either, she knew exactly what i wanted to do. And at the time I chose the bottle over what could of been my wife. Today she is married with a beautiful child and great family, and i am alone struggling every dam day to stay sober. I havn't been abble to keep more the 5 days sober yet, but atleast i try now. I will get me life back one day at a time.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
It can and will get worse if you keep hiding from yourself. Put the excuses to ruin the rest of your life away now!!!
You CAN stay stopped. Your LIFE WILL get different and BETTER.
You aren't alone. Stop now before........
I've lost too many people I love because of my choices, including my son. Yeah, it'll get worse for you. Everything I put in front of my sobriety; lost.
You CAN stay stopped. Your LIFE WILL get different and BETTER.
You aren't alone. Stop now before........
I've lost too many people I love because of my choices, including my son. Yeah, it'll get worse for you. Everything I put in front of my sobriety; lost.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi bri -
Just wanted to welcome you to the forum.
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Addiction takes so much away from us. I'm really glad you're here, though..... you don't have to live that way anymore.
Just wanted to welcome you to the forum.
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Addiction takes so much away from us. I'm really glad you're here, though..... you don't have to live that way anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hi bri2;
sometimes it's hard to look at ourselves in the mirror....but you are given another chance each day you wake up.....what's done is done and it can be very painful to look back on it. on the other hand, you can take today and tomorrow and set yourself on the path to be a better person for the ones in your FUTURE.
welcome to SR!
sometimes it's hard to look at ourselves in the mirror....but you are given another chance each day you wake up.....what's done is done and it can be very painful to look back on it. on the other hand, you can take today and tomorrow and set yourself on the path to be a better person for the ones in your FUTURE.
welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 70
Bri...I woukd venture to bet that everyone here can identify with what you and everyobe here is going thru. Please know that going thru four months of rehab is incredible....as Dee said, you cant change your past actions, but your drug free future can be great...eventually the memories wil fade. I too cared more about drinking than I did my relationship many years ago and paid the price. Not once but twice!!! But we cant change that...so one day at a time my friend. And stay on this forum. Best of luck.
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