I Don't Want to be the Relapse Queen
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by GracieJane 
Hi all:
I have been at this sobriety thing since the end of June, and I'm at the point where I'm questioning whether I'll ever be able to do this. I get a few days under my belt, and then I just say what the hell and I drink. It's as though I'm bent on self-sabotage and self-destruction. I even stopped going to AA meetings because I kept having to change my sobriety date and people kept asking me "oh, you should have a couple of months now, right?' and I kept having to say no, I messed up again. I've watched "newcomers" who started on this path at the same time as I did just pass me by - they're doing so well, and here I am: a perpetual screw-up.
I don't know what, short of a tragedy, will make me stop and that's such an awful thing to face. For a while the fear of the physical pain of withdrawal kept me abstinent. But now even that isn't working and I'm turning into my worst enemy.
I'm not a stupid person. I'm not a bad person. I really like who I am sober. So what the heck is wrong with me? How do I stay stopped? Has anyone on here ever overcome the insane condition of just not wanting it bad enough? I'm so sad right now.
Thank you for reading.
I have been at this sobriety thing since the end of June, and I'm at the point where I'm questioning whether I'll ever be able to do this. I get a few days under my belt, and then I just say what the hell and I drink. It's as though I'm bent on self-sabotage and self-destruction. I even stopped going to AA meetings because I kept having to change my sobriety date and people kept asking me "oh, you should have a couple of months now, right?' and I kept having to say no, I messed up again. I've watched "newcomers" who started on this path at the same time as I did just pass me by - they're doing so well, and here I am: a perpetual screw-up.
I don't know what, short of a tragedy, will make me stop and that's such an awful thing to face. For a while the fear of the physical pain of withdrawal kept me abstinent. But now even that isn't working and I'm turning into my worst enemy.
I'm not a stupid person. I'm not a bad person. I really like who I am sober. So what the heck is wrong with me? How do I stay stopped? Has anyone on here ever overcome the insane condition of just not wanting it bad enough? I'm so sad right now.
Thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Gracie--thanks for your post. I am right there with you in this struggle. I have been doing well lately, but the relapse cycle is a real part of my life. There are a couple of things that seem important at this point. I find that I cannot count days. I need to repeatedly decide not to drink, but it's sort of like a diet. I can diet for several days in a row and then if I screw up at lunch, I might screw up at dinner too just because I know I'll have to start over anyway. I think this phenomenon, I'll call it the purity thing is a real problem. Alcohol is real and it's everywhere. I can now, with a lot of help from SR, say "No thanks" in various settings. But it has to be my choice. It can't be because I imagine I'm being supervised or am letting someone down.
So I am proceeding in my sobriety by just living it one minute at a time. I can't think too much about it. I just need to go forward feeling well.
Good luck and don't get down on yourself. Every time you start over is important. Sometimes on this site I have seen people who are further on in their sobriety become impatient with people who are relapsing. I find that very counterproductive. It makes it hard to come on here for support. We wouldn't treat people we were trying to teach how to read that way. We would keep reiterating what we know--as our SR moderators always do. So, don't worry about dates, seek support, ignore people who say things like--"you need to really want it." While I believe that is true, we all want things at different levels at different times. I can't even define that statement. It is a terrible simplification of a real addiction. I want a lot of things--many of them conflicting. The real advice I read in your string was "don't pick up." That's important. And when tempted, we sometimes start that "What the hell" thing. That is the moment. That's where we need to put the space.
Sorry to ramble. I hope you keep trying.
So I am proceeding in my sobriety by just living it one minute at a time. I can't think too much about it. I just need to go forward feeling well.
Good luck and don't get down on yourself. Every time you start over is important. Sometimes on this site I have seen people who are further on in their sobriety become impatient with people who are relapsing. I find that very counterproductive. It makes it hard to come on here for support. We wouldn't treat people we were trying to teach how to read that way. We would keep reiterating what we know--as our SR moderators always do. So, don't worry about dates, seek support, ignore people who say things like--"you need to really want it." While I believe that is true, we all want things at different levels at different times. I can't even define that statement. It is a terrible simplification of a real addiction. I want a lot of things--many of them conflicting. The real advice I read in your string was "don't pick up." That's important. And when tempted, we sometimes start that "What the hell" thing. That is the moment. That's where we need to put the space.
Sorry to ramble. I hope you keep trying.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by Missy7
There are a couple of things that seem important at this point. I find that I cannot count days. I need to repeatedly decide not to drink...
Since it is always "now," regardless of what day it is (tomorrow will also be "now" once it comes), the whole counting days thing becomes irrelevant.
Just a thought.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi GracieJane -
I feel for you......It's a hopeless feeling when we see that we can't stop, but that's when step 1 really makes sense.
It takes courage to admit defeat. I spent so many years thinking I could outsmart my addiction, thinking that the next time would be different. I tried to understand it and get answers - that didn't help either. Thank God there was a small, sane place left in my brain that found this forum - I needed help.
I'm so glad you posted. Every step counts........ Just keep yourself in the moment, take it one hour at a time if you have to. It will get better. We're here.......
I feel for you......It's a hopeless feeling when we see that we can't stop, but that's when step 1 really makes sense.
It takes courage to admit defeat. I spent so many years thinking I could outsmart my addiction, thinking that the next time would be different. I tried to understand it and get answers - that didn't help either. Thank God there was a small, sane place left in my brain that found this forum - I needed help.
I'm so glad you posted. Every step counts........ Just keep yourself in the moment, take it one hour at a time if you have to. It will get better. We're here.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 11
Thanks for the courage to post GracieJane. I relapsed in 2009 after 7 months of sobriety. My relapse was not the issue, my shame, ego and lack of humility kept me away. The great thing about AA is that once you know, you cannot "unknow" and my drinking was never the same.
I have been blessed to pull together 4 months but I do not count days. Counting days has a way of making me feel I deserve a celebratory drink.
This time around, I use my sponsor. I tell on myself to my best sober girlfriend and network. I call my network..every day I phone someone who has been in my life from my first day in AA. I am doing service, attend business meetings and have made AA the most important thing in my life.
Don't get me wrong, it is a struggle. I have had to literally give up my car, job (temp assignment) and thoughts on what makes a successful life to get these 4 months. In other words, total surrender.
The blessings - well, my kids are content, they believe in me again. My mother does not worry about where I am or what I am doing while she is 1,000 miles away. I have been able to stay away from the active partner. Actually, everytime I visited his house, I picked up. My HP has given me the ability to say no to people places and things - just for today.
There is hope. Stop beating yourself up. Like my sponsor says, the most natural thing for an alcoholic is to drink. When you are ready, it will happen.
Stay Blessed
I have been blessed to pull together 4 months but I do not count days. Counting days has a way of making me feel I deserve a celebratory drink.
This time around, I use my sponsor. I tell on myself to my best sober girlfriend and network. I call my network..every day I phone someone who has been in my life from my first day in AA. I am doing service, attend business meetings and have made AA the most important thing in my life.
Don't get me wrong, it is a struggle. I have had to literally give up my car, job (temp assignment) and thoughts on what makes a successful life to get these 4 months. In other words, total surrender.
The blessings - well, my kids are content, they believe in me again. My mother does not worry about where I am or what I am doing while she is 1,000 miles away. I have been able to stay away from the active partner. Actually, everytime I visited his house, I picked up. My HP has given me the ability to say no to people places and things - just for today.
There is hope. Stop beating yourself up. Like my sponsor says, the most natural thing for an alcoholic is to drink. When you are ready, it will happen.
Stay Blessed
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by artsoul
Hi GracieJane -
I feel for you......It's a hopeless feeling when we see that we can't stop, but that's when step 1 really makes sense.
It takes courage to admit defeat. I spent so many years thinking I could outsmart my addiction, thinking that the next time would be different. I tried to understand it and get answers - that didn't help either. Thank God there was a small, sane place left in my brain that found this forum - I needed help.
I'm so glad you posted. Every step counts........ Just keep yourself in the moment, take it one hour at a time if you have to. It will get better. We're here.......
I feel for you......It's a hopeless feeling when we see that we can't stop, but that's when step 1 really makes sense.
It takes courage to admit defeat. I spent so many years thinking I could outsmart my addiction, thinking that the next time would be different. I tried to understand it and get answers - that didn't help either. Thank God there was a small, sane place left in my brain that found this forum - I needed help.
I'm so glad you posted. Every step counts........ Just keep yourself in the moment, take it one hour at a time if you have to. It will get better. We're here.......
thank you. i really relate to what you wrote regarding step one. Today i realized i can't actually drink again. and I think Step 1 made more sense. Really appreciate your words on the matter, as I couldn't figure out how to articulate it.
GracieJane - thanks so much for this thread, and your courage to post here. this thread is so important and i am so grateful to read your thread and these responses tonight.
seeking recovery
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
Hi Gracie,
I think I am the relapse queen!!! as have been struggling to stay finally quit for over 2 years now!
Scared to come back to this forum and AA, as dont like to be patronised that "I just dont get it".
Now i am feeling somewhat defeated with the thought "am I ever going to get off this relapse cycle?" as I have promised myself now countless times to stay stopped.
My problem is that sometimes when out for a meal I CAN control my drinking but all that does is open the door to a mental obsession,then THAT INEVITABLE BINGE occurs as my guard is down..rinse, repeat.
Can anyone relate to my situation?
I have not lost hope though as still here!!
I think I am the relapse queen!!! as have been struggling to stay finally quit for over 2 years now!
Scared to come back to this forum and AA, as dont like to be patronised that "I just dont get it".
Now i am feeling somewhat defeated with the thought "am I ever going to get off this relapse cycle?" as I have promised myself now countless times to stay stopped.
My problem is that sometimes when out for a meal I CAN control my drinking but all that does is open the door to a mental obsession,then THAT INEVITABLE BINGE occurs as my guard is down..rinse, repeat.
Can anyone relate to my situation?
I have not lost hope though as still here!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Good to see you FR 
those times I had 'success' controlling my drinking would bring me undone too...I'd cling to those few occasions over the many many hundreds of times I didn't have any control.
It's like the pokies I think (poker machines for non aussies LOL) - if you pull the handle enough you're likely to win a time or two - that doesn't mean you control the pokies tho...
D
those times I had 'success' controlling my drinking would bring me undone too...I'd cling to those few occasions over the many many hundreds of times I didn't have any control.
It's like the pokies I think (poker machines for non aussies LOL) - if you pull the handle enough you're likely to win a time or two - that doesn't mean you control the pokies tho...
D
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