What is going on with me
 

Hi,

So I had some relapses when I last posted and I have had some more (one right now).

One really important thing is how I drink more on each event and I get more "lost" each time. What I mean is that I don't recognize myself. It isn't really blacking out as I do remember things, I just can't recognize myself when I get sober.

Anyway, I am drinking tonight and intend to get sober tomorrow with 9/9 being my clean date.

Please don't expect me to be "sane" tonight. I will do my best to stay on course and "let" tomorrow happen. It won't be pretty...

A chief concern I had about being online tonight was to not enabling people. I think I have managed to make "use" be not cool. :)

I look forward to joining you sober guys in 24 hours. I hope you all can indulge me a bit before then.


Thanks,
NewMe

I'm glad that you recognize that you are feeling worse and worse after each binge.

I caution you saying that you will 'let' tomorrow happen. I think you need to take a proactive approach to your sobriety. I hope that you will take a look around here and read some inspiriting posts and that tomorrow will be a changing day for you.

I def understand how it can get worst and worst. Since my first attempt I've had two relapses (in a row) and it just worst and harder to get on course. But its possible, you just have to really want it and work at it ...as Anna mentioned...its not "let" kinda thing. You control your mind and body and while this is very difficult to overcome it is possible, esp for 24 hours at a time. I hope tomorrow you can be proactive and use your desire to be sober overcome whatever happens in the day. Wishing you well!

Thanks both of you, reading the SMART handbook, I am trying to motivate myself as best I know tonight to want to get sober tomorrow. No doubt, I want it. I just want to get me to REALLY want it.

I agree - each relapse took me down further. My last binge was almost the end for me - I knew my body couldn't take anymore. You're right, NewMe - the time is now. No more misery. We are with you!

I remember not recognising myself too - it was a strange and frightening experience.
I really recommend you cut your losses, dump the rest of the booze and get some rest NewMe.

I agree with Anna - if we wait passively for recovery to happen, it's not going to - make some tangible moves now NM - it's in your best interest :)

you can do this :)
D

Whenever you quit, no matter when, it will always be 'now' when you do it. Is there a downside to postponing your decision and resultant action? On the other hand, is there a downside to choosing your 'now' to be the present instant?

I understand the feeling the when i'm sober, i truly don't know who i am! It's scary and tonite i am going to drink because i will, i can't lie about it

Newme,

Thanks for the post and reminding me it does get worse when you pick up.

I think to admit that you are powerless over alcohol is really a major step.

All the best in your recovery
CaiHong

I used to feel that way - I'd been a drinker for so long that drinking felt 'normal' and sobriety felt weird.

I hope you'll give sobriety a go sunday - it's not always easy, but it is so so worth it - I have discovered who I really am now :)

D

Hi NewMe (from another NewMe):

This alcoholism thing is really hard to handle all alone. Can you find a meeting (AA, SMART, etc.) nearby that you could go to?

The problem, as others have stated, with planning to stop tomorrow, is that one can always make that argument. In the end, the only thing you can impact is right now.

So, try to stop drinking right now. Find a group of alcoholics that you can talk to or chat on SR or post more.

I found that asking for help from others felt strange at first, until I realized that I was helping them stay sober. So, reach out. We all want to help.

Hi guys,

I had stopped Thursday, but had the most terrible night filled with anxiety of potential consequences of me skipping out of work early Thursday (I work online, so not so visible) and all consuming self-loathing. Friday I picked up things at work again but having to face that +200 email inbox, Skype, and phone again was one of the scariest things I have done. So, I decided to drink Friday again and sober up over the weekend where nobody is expecting anything from me.

So here I sit without any wine in the house and just waiting for a ready meal to finish cooking in the oven so I can have a sober dinner. Now I face the challenge of forgiving myself -- again. I want to be angry with myself. Scratch that, furious would be much better. I want to give myself a hard time. But what would the purpose be? Motivation? Or trying to alleviate the feeling of powerlessness? Or is it part of the underlying cause of my addiction -- an inability to accept myself because I don't think anyone can? I don't know. But I think it would be healthy to put myself out there, so I am doing this post.

My new sober date will be tomorrow. I can't say I am happy to tread on 9/11, but it is what it is. And at least, the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 is a very memorable date. Anyone want to join me? :)

Thank you for listening and all your patience and understanding!

Reach out this weekend, and not only on the computer. I needed to have some f to f responsibility. I am very immature and I have an excuse for everything. Telling only myself that I was going to get sober, never worked for me. I had to accept my powerless ness over everything Alcohol and my behaviors . I had to have others help me. I will hold you in my meditation as the alcoholic that still suffers. Peace my friend and good luck. (()) the lush