Today is an "On" Day
 

And I guess by that I might on the wagon.
Which for me means that I treat myself well.
But what scares me is the off days.
It's weird to me that when I am sober for days and weeks at a time, I am healthy, active, I eat well, exercise, read and do productive things.
But when I fall off and sink into a bender, I am horrible to myself - just absolute self-destruction. Drink non-stop, eat junk or don't eat at all, sleep horribly or just pass out in random places for hours at a time.
I know it's the alcohol, but it's bizarre that both of those personalities can exist within one person - a total contradiction.
On that note, I'm gonna go out for a run!

Stavros, I think that happens to us, because it's hard for us to deal with things being good. I know that I self-sabotaged myself for so long because I was uncomfortable when things were well for too long.

So my subconscious wants to see me fail? I know that if I am able to stay sober, things will probably start to get better for me. But there is always that little voice in my head that drives me toward self-destruction?
I finally was able to find a job better than being a bartender, and that was a step in the right direction in so many ways - no more hanging around with drunks and being surrounded by alcohol all day at work. I was proud of that fact.
But even with that, I missed the social aspect. So I applied for a restaurant job a few weeks ago. I thought "hey I can handle this - I'll just go to work a few nights a week, make a few hundred extra bucks and things will be better."
But there was a little voice in the back of my head that said, "And you will get to go out for drinks after work!"
I guess I just want that little voice to shut up already and let me enjoy being successful....Luckily I didn't get the job.