tes11

I am considering starting a romantic relationship with a guy who is 8 months sober. He seems very serious about his recovery and goes to meetings everyday. I knew him when we were younger (33 years ago) and have only reconnected through social media. He seems very interested in dating and I have no experience with someone who is an alcoholic and in recovery. Is there any time frame that someone who is in recovery is supposed to wait before starting a new romantic relationship? I don't want to do anything that may have a negative impact on his recovery.

Thanks for your help,
Tes11

bellakeller

It's recommended that we be a year into recovery before we make big changes in our lives like entering into a relationship. I would wait the four more months if I were you.

I wouldn't want to date myself that young in recovery. I was still sorting things out and only realize in retrospect how crazy and unsteady I still was even at eight months into recovery. I am sure I could talk a good game about recovery at the time though, and truly believe all my own nonsense.

I'd give it a little more time.

TorontoGuy28

Differs from person to person, and it also depends on the quality of sobriety.

Is he just "not drinking" or working a program ? Does he have a sponsor ? If so, what does his sponsor say ?

For me, 1 year of recovery... Not just sobriety.

My .02 cents.

silly

Well, I think a lot of people would say 1 year sober before dating. However, I think it depends on the individual. I have a friend who is about 6 months sober and his recent dating has actually really kept him motivated in his recovery.

Do you plan to drink in front of him? If so, don't date him. That will impact his recovery.

Also, before pursuing it, consider how you will feel if he relapses. This can be very difficult to deal with.

sugarbear1

It's a personal choice. For me, anything and everything I've put in front of my sobriety, I've lost.
I don't know how to have a Healthy Relationship.

You can't change nor help his sober journey (My Opinion).

Have you considered AlAnon?

onlythetruth

I do think it's important for you to decide whether you feel like dating this man, i.e., are YOU interested in dating HIM?

onlythetruth

You do hear the one-year suggestion a lot in recovery circles, but there is really no rule. The question isn't so much time, as it is the person's level of emotional health (when AA members refer to "quality of sobriety", that's the concept they're trying to get across).

Some people are a total mess at 8 months, others are doing pretty well. If this man is using a therapist, I'd be interested in the therapist's opinion of his readiness to date.

A word about Al-Anon: Al-Anon is a recovery program, and it doesn't appear you have anything to recover from. If you want to know what goes on in AA, you'd be better off attending a few open meetings with your friend.

Supercrew

If you are on board with him being sober, then dating would probably benefit him. It helps when you have someone on your side who knows what you are trying to accomplish. I don't think time frames or which programs he is using are relevant as long as he wants to be sober and you are cool with it.

Dee74

Hi Tes

Welcome

I think anvil makes a good point - think about how you feel about it - if you have concerns or worries I think there's nothing wrong in cooling your heels for a while

best of luck to the both of you

D