lost and hopeful
 

I am new to this and am unsure of what i am doing or saying right now. At one time I was on the opposite end of the drinking spectrum. I used to be the wife attending support groups for people with alcoholics. I am the alcoholic now. I have 6 kids, 2 are step children, and I have a busy work life between my kids. I get called and texted whenever from work constantly, still try to make a homelife work, and then there is my husband. I started drinking when i got remarried almost 3 years ago. I was able to handle every angle thrown at me without loosing my temper. Three years later, I continue to drink every night, at least until I drink myself to sleep. I feel guilty and horrible in the morning, about continuing to drink, but pick it back up the minute I walk in the door after work. I dont get out anymore in the evening, unless I have to, now that my daughter drives. I would be humiliated to go to AA here where I live because of the town I live and wanting to start somewhere, and maybe it is here.

Welcome, mardy06. You'll find a lot of support here!

On one hand, I totally understand how you feel, "I would be humiliated to go to AA here where I live" but one thing you should understand is that everyone going into an AA meeting is going for the same reason. It's not like you'd be the only alcoholic going into AA. Most meetings, even in small towns, are very private. It wouldn't hurt to check it out.
And check out the links and resources on this site, too.

Welcome!

I bet your neighbors and towns people already know you drink. We think we hide it, but it's just delusional thinking. Get yourself some help before you truly humiliate yourself, or harm someone. Sober, it's something you can achieve!

If you search aa then your city and state
you can find a phone number and places for meetings.

Best wishes!

Hi Mardy and Welcome,

There is lots of support here and information too, so keep reading and posting.

Welcome!! I know what it's like to be stuck in the drinking cycle. Life is so much better without going through all of that! SR is a great site full of wonderful people who all have similar stories. I hope you keep reading and gain strength from all of them. :)

Hi mardy and welcome to the forum!

I was a nightly drinker with kids and a job, too. It's a lot of stress..... Drinking seemed to be the only break/reward I had. I know how it is to suffer through the morning only to drink again later in the day. It's a vicious cycle because we go through mini-withdrawals every day, which create the anxiety/depression that makes us want to drink more.

Things got a lot better after I got sober. They will for you, too. I'm glad you're here - this is a great place to start!:wave:

Welcome!!!

Lots of support here at SR!

Welcome to SR mardy :)

I'm not a parent but I identify with people always asking things of me, the stress, and the wanting to escape into oblivion in the evenings....

the trouble is as we both know - it's not good, and we slip deeper and deeper into the hole as the years go on.

I think when it comes down to it the only way out of the cycle is to get out of the cycle - to do something - whether it's joining here, or AA or some other group...

it can even be something as simple as seeing your Dr and being honest with them and listening to their advice.

You'll find a lot of support here :)

D

Hi mardy06 welcome to SR . I am from a small town no AA here so I would need to travel to get to a meeting but I found the advice and friendship here on SR very helpfull .

Yes, you are right. People here do know i drink, but the image they see of me is much different than the image only close, personal people see of me. Most people just call and think i am fun to party with when the couples go out on Friday or Saturday, it is only the close people who see me drink every day. I feel I am hurting them, too afraid to ask and trying to figure out how to continue to be the "fun" person everyone else thinks I am. I do know only your family is what is supposed to matter, then why is it that I can not react only to them?

I do want to see a Dr about some type of depression medication. I had taken it before, but quit when I gained 30 pounds. I have enough trouble with weight as it is. My biggest problem is that I am a nurse manager and work with all the Doctors on a daily basis. I am too embarrassed to approach them with this. They think I am a strong manager and take care of business, which I do, but as a nurse I know how that will change things for me as well. I feel so stuck most of the time and time only seems to make things drag on for me.

mardy06 - I was also the supportive wife once long ago. I ended up the alcoholic drinking 24/7, so I can relate.

I never thought I'd allow it to take over my life, especially after what I witnessed with my husband (now deceased). I always thought I could use willpower to control the amounts, but somewhere I crossed the line from social to alcoholic drinking. I didn't seek help the way you are, until it was almost too late. Congratulations on your wise decision! You can do this, and have your life back.

Thank You for responding. You can pretty much explain how the daily routine is for me so much of the time. I REALLY want to make a difference for my kids and myself. I not as concerned about my husband, but do love him simply cause he has been good to me in the 3 years i have been married to him. I did not get that before. I just need something to grab a hold of, and I know I could succeed. I just am having trouble finding it.

Why is it that is grabs us before we actually realize we are not who we percieve that we are? I used to percieve myself as strong, able to take on anything, an awesome mom, and i dont see that so much now. I see someone who really needs to help herself.

Welcome to the best recovery site everywhere.:hug:

I think you still are all those things :)

I had to tackle my addiction and remove it from my life - when I did, in amgionst the healing, I found the old me was still there :)

D

Can totally relate, Mardy

Alcohol eventually just took over so much more of my life than I thought was even possible. Breaking the visous cycle was key.

Still grateful to have found SR April 2010. There's hundreds of us that use this site to get support, and learn to live a healthy, happy, and productive life.
All alcohol-free.

You can too.

Those first few weeks were the toughest for me. One of the most useful things I learned was " don't drink, no matter what" ......even if it's for 5 minutes at a time, an hour at a time , or a day at a time.

After 90 days I started feeling like my "old" self, and could more often see a light and the end of the tunnel; ...so to speak.

Welcome to SR

Mardy, take your life back...you can. don't put off going to the doctor, go out of network to a private practice doc. where no one you know works...less chance of anyone reading your file.

your insurance should cover a good portion of private counselling for whatever the doctor/social worker puts on the file....for me, twice weekly session for 3 years cost about $15.00, less than a bottle of wine.

if you keep drinking you are going to feel worse and worse and also gain more weight. you don't say what your consumption is but you know that each glass of booze is about 150-20 calories...(empty sugar alcohol calories).

good luck and keep posting.

Welcome to SR. You'll find lots of support here!