Innerchild

Decided last night to give AA another shot but I felt uncomfortable. It was a woman's meeting and everyone was nice but I wouldnt call myself an alcoholic during the meeting. Why? I dont deny having a drinking problem but I don't like to label myself and I don't think that anyone else unless they have some kind of medical or therapy degree has the right to label me either. Even my therapist do not label me with types of disorders they dont believe in it. Anyway, after the meeting two women came up to me and told me I was an alcoholic and they were once in denial too. I smiled and told them thanks for the input. Wasnt getting into it with anyone.

I also didnt like that in one tradition I dont remember which one I am pretty new to the program that they were comparing cancer to alcoholism it made me pretty mad. I kept my mouth shut bc I like to defend my own opinions but didnt think it was the place. I don't believe people choose to get cancer but I choose to pick up that first drink and thats my fault people with cancer dont choose to get cancer. Yes, I know that no body chooses to become an alcoholic either.

They spoke a lot about God, after the meeting I did question the higher power. They did say God can be anything and its not that I don't believe in God but I know just praying to God or believing in something Higher than myself will stop me from drinking. It brings up "being powerless over alcohol" I know many will disagree with me and I am only speaking for myself but I dont feel that I am powerless over it. I choose to go to the store and buy beer, I choose to binge on it. If I am drinking to numb my depression, or have a fight with someone, etc I choose to pick up a drink and its no ones fault other then my own.

I have been to that particular womens meeting before and the women gave me their numbers. I text one I knew and felt most comfortable talking to after the meeting and said I hope you dont mind if I call you if I get the desire to drink. She responds something like don't give into the "devil". Kind of freaked me out. Yes, alcohol is poison but I thats just too deep for me.

I felt more comfortable in ALANON but I feel like a hypocrite being there. Just by discussing the steps and talking about feelings and listening to others to how alcohol has effected their lives it did help me while I was in the program. I am in therapy as well but I am looking for other tools. I do not like to be judged by anyone and I feel its noone's place and last night I kind of felt judged by some people. I could try other meetings but this such a small area that everyone would be going to the same meetings.

I am not judging everyone in AA and this is just solely my opinion. I want to find people or something I could join that I could relate to. When I say I drink to self medicate my depression or to self abuse myself no one seems to get it. Should I try more meetings or try some other tools?

SSIL75

AA might not be the right approach for you. Have you looked at the other players? SMART, Rational Recovery (I used this). There is a sticky w/the links I think.

24hrsAday

Innerchild.. my suggestion to you is to keep an open mind and remember this staying sober thing is a one day at a time deal. your feelings and opinions about Alcoholism will most likely change some what with time. it is OK to attend meetings and NOT say you are Alcoholic that is completely up to you!

LaFemme

Try some other programs or look for another meeting ... I gather they vary a lot.

I do my own thing and have therapy... It isn't enough for a lot of people but worked for me

sugarbear1

Keep trying other meetings. I can go to the same place & time for a meeting (same meeting) and the entire meeting may be different each time. Try several meetings. That program may or may not be the one for you. Best wishes!

Innerchild

Thank you. Ill check out the other links. I thought attending the meetings will also give me a chance to meet others who do not drink. But we are all different and and seek different approaches for the same common goal. I want to learn how to meditate, getting back into Yoga. I attend Church sometimes so I believe in spirituality. I am going to look at the other programs. It would be cool to find a depression, or anxiety group in my area I know I would be able to relate to others I believe. Ill have to ask my therapist if these exist.

Innerchild

I looked up SMART, it look like it uses the Cognitive Behaviorial Approcah which is something I believe in and relate to. I looked up the meetings and there arent any in my area. Maybe I should try out an online meeting. I like that fact it gives you coping mechanisms and helps you deal with your emotions. Thats what I need! I am going to look up Rational Recovery but seems that SMART would be a lot more effective for me than AA.

stuartp

I have been in AA (and sober) for about 6 weeks. I enjoy that I am sober (and amazed) but I keep finding things about AA that I find contradictory. For example, they say that the only requirement to join is the desire to stop drinking, and that people need to come to their own conclusions about their situation (alcoholic, alcohol abuser, illness, disease, etc) but yet, it is the norm for everyone at the meeting to intro themselves as "Hi, I'm ____ and I'm and alcoholic." And your experience with people trying to convince you of this goes along with this notion. I also began AA since I was told that one can take what they want and leave the rest. But as I get more in the program, I am finding this less to be the case. The 'suggestions' seem very prescribed and are quite clear in what is expected.

Perhaps I am too new to the program. And I am grateful that I have been sober for all this time. But, your post struck a chord with me too that I wanted to respond to.

All the best with whatever means helps you to live a sober and productive life.

Anna

I also used alcohol to self-medicate and of course, to abuse myself, too, so I totally understand how you feel. And, I don't agree with labels either. I do accept that I am an alcoholic, but I am so many more things than that, and so are you.

I have used books and SR as my lifeline for many years. The main thing is that you find something you are comfortable with and that works for you. This is YOUR recovery. If you ever want to talk, just PM me. I'm always around.

EmeraldRose

Speaking for me personally, being new out in the world at a new job and new life alone, I have to remember that everyone has their own opinion. Opinions do not hurt anyone, they are not directed at me and do not affect my life in what others' think.
I have to do what I feel in my heart is the best that reflects my own opinions. I do go to AA but don't have to agree or disagree with anyone. I go in with an approach that best suites me. I remain openminded but reflect on my own opinions.
I don't pray to god but believe in a higher power within myself. I respect opinions for beliefs. They say choose your battles, religion is not a battle I want to conquer.
Nor is what people say or do. There are alot of opinions in AA and everyone wants to be a savior. I think that alot of what is said is a mere attempt to satisy their own thoughts and journey. It in no way has to have an effect on mine. People say strange things anyplace if you really think about it. I try not to take every word at face value. I hold on to the whole aspect of AA. The reason I am there. I am an alcoholic.
What I like about AA is that we understand what we are going through. We now how hard it is and it is a support system. But I don't generally associate with my group outside of AA. If I had an 'issue' I would contact my counselor.
I was upset the other day over the actions of the head AA guy in my group. I work in another town and they were having a meeting in that town that I couldn't make. He actually went to my work and went thru my line (I was cashiering, he wasn't purchasing anything) to ask how late I worked and the meeting would be at 2. After thinking about it, I thought that was very 'brave' on his part since AA is s'posed to be anonymous & discreet. Knowing I was working that day, he could have left a message on my cell.
So I don't believe that AA is the perfect recovery system for everyone...if you are NOT comfortable I would remain open to other options and outlets.
Longwinded story short...do what's best for you.

Innerchild

I agree with you Stuart and congratulations for staying sober six weeks whatever helps you through it!!!

Thanks Anna. I would love to know what books worked for you and other approaches you have used to help stay sober.

Thanks Emerald I like your point of view of the situation in AA. Its hard for me to take the judgement out of it. If it works for some that is great and whatever works. If someone fromm AA went to hunt me down at my job I would have been livid. LOL. Im a pretty private person. I know what I do, why I do it and I need to stop. I dont blame others, dont need to be told I am wallowing in my own self-pity either.

I am thinking of going to the ALANON meeting tonight give that another shot. They don't have to know I am a binger drinker but I actually didn't mind going to the meetings they discuss more of whats going with their feelings and I could relate to many of them.

I just have major issues with judgements and labeling. I feel for some, throwing a label on someone that person becomes that label and their life revolves around it. I agree with what Anna said, its a part of you doesnt define who you are as a person.

For example, saw this crazy therapist once who told me I had Borderline Personality Disorder and I started to define myself with a personality disorder. I blamed everything I did on having a PD. It made me feel worse and felt like there was no hope for me to feel normal. I stopped seeing her for malpractice and started seeing a new one who was great loved her. It took for a year to convince me I didnt have a personality disorder and she wouldnt label me. She only diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder for insurance purposes.

So, I am "me" and yes I do abuse alcohol to self-medicate. I know its clearly wrong so I am trying to change it.

Terminally Unique

This practice, of saying "Hi, I'm ___, and I'm an alcoholic" is, as far as I've been able to determine, an import from the treatment industry. I have yet to find a single instance of any recording or transcript of a "share" at an AA meeting from the 1940's and 1950's from the original 100 members where they say this. I've asked others before to help me find one, but no one has been able to.

Bottom line, you don't have to say it, and people often use variations, such as "Hi, ___, powerless over alcohol." Personally, I always liked "Hello, I'm ___, and I qualify."

Some will say "take what you want and leave the rest," but most will caution against "cafeteria-style" recovery, and often say "The Express Elevator to sobriety do not work. Please use the steps."

Trust your instincts.

ETA

"Hello, I'm ETA and I qualify." - I like that.

Innerchild - I'm not sure if I can be of much help since I don't go to AA meetings at all but I agree with much of where you are coming from. I would certainly feel just as you do in the same situation.

My question is how important is it to find a real live person to relate to and possibly hang out with?

If you feel like this is something you very much would like to have then I vote keep going to meetings - new ones and maybe that same one. The odds of you finding someone are going to be much better if you continue to put yourself out there.

Perhaps there is that person in the meetings you have been to that feels much like you do but she didn't speak to you yet. Other options - you could take out a personal ad or even try to start your own group with a more flexible philosophy?

For me I don't have to hang out with people I relate to on the subject. This forum has satisfied my need to talk/vent/relate/reach out... I do know there have been times in my life where I needed a friend badly and I was very active in looking. It always worked when - the trick is knowing what you want and not giving up.

ACT10Npack

Innerchild, look into SOS, its similar to AA but there is no 12 steps and no high power. Its just a group of people talking about there problems. There is a link to a list of meetings you can go to. There is not a lot so you may have to drive a bit if its not close to you.

SOS Meetings

Mcribb

AA is just the place where I went after I tried everything else. They could have told me to worship a bag of rocks and I would have done so as long as it ment no more police.

wellnowwhat

I am thinking of going to the ALANON meeting tonight give that another shot. They don't have to know I am a binger drinker but I actually didn't mind going to the meetings they discuss more of whats going with their feelings and I could relate to many of them.

Do this. You'll be very welcome. There are several people in my group that attend other programs. Since alcoholism seems to be the "family disease", you will probably discover that you do qualify for Alanon as well.

Good luck in your recovery!

HuskyPup

I'd also look into other groups, such as SMART and SOS. SMART has a very active online forum, and online meetings, as well as some RL meetings.

Another approach are variations on the steps. One of the most valuable resources I have found is the book: 'Many Paths, One Journey:Moving Beyond the 12 Steps' by Charlotte Kasl. Here, she talks about alternate approaches, as well as alternate wordings fro the steps.

It ended up creating an offshoot known as the spiral steps, which I am finding much more to my liking.

Here is a link to them, and the site:

Spiral Steps

I like it because it it more positive, and not based on the guilt/confession/redemtion model. It looks at builing a healthy ego, as opposed to treating the personality as somethinf that must bow down and surrebnder. I find it much more self-empowering, while also enabling the use of a spiritual element, but less rigidly then the sortt one might formally pray to.

Hope you find it helpful.

I do go to an agnostic AA meeting, and a few gay/lesbian ones, mainly for the company.

And the shiny coins.

But it is hard sometimes, the dissonance between my own worldview and spiritual beliefs, and managing not to say anything that will make everyone all crabby. And recovering alcoholics can be very crabby! (me included, sometimes!)

sugarbear1

Here's another angle; when I'm uncomfortable with me, I project that on any meeting I attend. When I need sympathy, I can easily get that with my codependent friends.

Sometimes it's my attitude that gets in my way. I go to aa to deal with me & my problems, I go to alanon to deal with others or how I deal with others.... I attend more aa meetings cause I can control my self.

I hope you find what works for you!

onlythetruth

I'm a fan of SMART Recovery and have been to many online meetings, which I really enjoy. Since you've given AA a try, why not try SMART too, and definitely check out RR. It's great to have so many choices!

Dee74

some really great suggestions here IC.

It's your recovery - whether it's trying other meetings or trying something else entirely - find the path that means something to you

D