Hello. New to posting here and ready to move forward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 16
Hello. New to posting here and ready to move forward
Wow....I just have to say that I have been reading posts on here for almost a year and I thank every single one of you for putting your experiences, thoughts and feelings out there for others to learn from.
My original post, and I think only post, was back months and months ago and I was a disaster then. It hasnt been easy, but it has slowly gotten better. I could not have gotten through the HELL I had been in if it wasnt in part of reading here every night after my kids went to sleep. Of course, I was still drinking as I was reading then. Trying to figure out how the heck I was to quit without going to detox. But I did it. I slowly cut down since April, going from 2 bottles of wine and 5 shots a night to 1 bottle of wine some nights, to only 5 nips a night. All that was torture at the time... you know, the shakes, vomitting, anxiety,, all the same ole that we all endure for what ever reason brought us to that point.
I started a relationship with a non-drinker in April and had to figure out ways to still drink without him knowing....man, was I good at hiding it from yet another boyfriend.(already got a divorce because of alcohol and tore right through a fabulous 2 year relationship with another man and killed that one in countless alcoholic rages) Well,he didn't and still doesnt know that I am an alky,but is figuring out something is wrong because I started to drunk dial him and cry for no apparent reason. He got all confused as to where the confident, happy woman that he was falling for went. I was confused as well. Like I said, I had cut down a great deal and was feeling good, except for the high blood pressure, weight gain, anxiety, anger...so when he told me that he wanted a break from me and couldnt handle my personality change that comes out of the blue, I freaked out...internalizing the freak out of course. My internal freak out (I love to keep the happy facade on..ugh) caused me to drop to my knees and pray. Prayed to God that if I didnt stop and figure out what the heck is wrong with me, that I truly was going to die. Physically I know I was dying. My liver hurt, my high blood pressure would wake me every night. The panic attacks caused me to pass out at the wheel on a busy interstate....Yup, I knew I had to stop no matter what. Not for the boyfriend, not for the fact that I was close to ruining every relationship I have, but for ME.
This was 7 days ago. I downed my last bottle of chardonnay and a half of a nip last Monday(after calling in sick to work yet again) and dropped to my knees and prayed. Guess what? This stubborn woman who used to mock religion prayed and the prayer was answered...What kept going over and over in my sick mind was "if you quit drinking, everything will fall into place" This was like a broken record, but a well needed repeated sentence....This is the longest I have gone without a minimum of 5 shots of liquor since my youngest son was born in Nov 2005. I now truly believe that there is a higher power that has gotten me this far, which I NEVER thought I could do.
But I do know that I can't ever pick up a drink again or I WILL die. My mother had 2 alcoholic induced strokes, her father-my great grandfather- killed himself because he couldnt handle his alcoholism and list goes on and on. I have been given this disease to learn from and ready to find the reason why...
I plan on getting out of my shell and post more and respond more here because I truly think we all need each other more than you know.......
My original post, and I think only post, was back months and months ago and I was a disaster then. It hasnt been easy, but it has slowly gotten better. I could not have gotten through the HELL I had been in if it wasnt in part of reading here every night after my kids went to sleep. Of course, I was still drinking as I was reading then. Trying to figure out how the heck I was to quit without going to detox. But I did it. I slowly cut down since April, going from 2 bottles of wine and 5 shots a night to 1 bottle of wine some nights, to only 5 nips a night. All that was torture at the time... you know, the shakes, vomitting, anxiety,, all the same ole that we all endure for what ever reason brought us to that point.
I started a relationship with a non-drinker in April and had to figure out ways to still drink without him knowing....man, was I good at hiding it from yet another boyfriend.(already got a divorce because of alcohol and tore right through a fabulous 2 year relationship with another man and killed that one in countless alcoholic rages) Well,he didn't and still doesnt know that I am an alky,but is figuring out something is wrong because I started to drunk dial him and cry for no apparent reason. He got all confused as to where the confident, happy woman that he was falling for went. I was confused as well. Like I said, I had cut down a great deal and was feeling good, except for the high blood pressure, weight gain, anxiety, anger...so when he told me that he wanted a break from me and couldnt handle my personality change that comes out of the blue, I freaked out...internalizing the freak out of course. My internal freak out (I love to keep the happy facade on..ugh) caused me to drop to my knees and pray. Prayed to God that if I didnt stop and figure out what the heck is wrong with me, that I truly was going to die. Physically I know I was dying. My liver hurt, my high blood pressure would wake me every night. The panic attacks caused me to pass out at the wheel on a busy interstate....Yup, I knew I had to stop no matter what. Not for the boyfriend, not for the fact that I was close to ruining every relationship I have, but for ME.
This was 7 days ago. I downed my last bottle of chardonnay and a half of a nip last Monday(after calling in sick to work yet again) and dropped to my knees and prayed. Guess what? This stubborn woman who used to mock religion prayed and the prayer was answered...What kept going over and over in my sick mind was "if you quit drinking, everything will fall into place" This was like a broken record, but a well needed repeated sentence....This is the longest I have gone without a minimum of 5 shots of liquor since my youngest son was born in Nov 2005. I now truly believe that there is a higher power that has gotten me this far, which I NEVER thought I could do.
But I do know that I can't ever pick up a drink again or I WILL die. My mother had 2 alcoholic induced strokes, her father-my great grandfather- killed himself because he couldnt handle his alcoholism and list goes on and on. I have been given this disease to learn from and ready to find the reason why...
I plan on getting out of my shell and post more and respond more here because I truly think we all need each other more than you know.......
Best of luck for continued success!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome (back)!
I'm so glad you posted..... it made a huge difference for me when I decided to join and get involved, instead of just reading.
Things really will fall into place, BellaB - Just take it one day at a time for now and keep reading/posting!
I'm so glad you posted..... it made a huge difference for me when I decided to join and get involved, instead of just reading.
Things really will fall into place, BellaB - Just take it one day at a time for now and keep reading/posting!
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