Honesty as the first step
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
Honesty as the first step
I came clean to my wife this morning. I told her I had been drinking over the past few days and that I was hiding it. She knew. All you have to do is look at me in the eyes to know. I told her I couldn't do it anymore. The lies, the amount of danger I'm putting myself and others in and I knew she was going to be severely dissapointed because we've been in the place before.
I went to outpatient therapy in 2010 and managed to stay sober for 4 months before falling right back into my destructive behavior. It was mostly beer that I was drinking. Not an everyday drinker. I could go a week or two before spiraling into a 4-5 day bend where it was 15-20+ beers a night.
Been getting worse and more frequent between bends lately and for some reason I decided to drink a 5th of Vodka instead of beer. I drank it, rinsed and repeated a 5th for the next 8 days.
I've detoxed at home all of the time. This time I am scared of doing it. I've found that I had to have a pull every hour or so to keep from developing withdrawal symptoms. I couldn't see an end in sight and with a young family that depends on me for a lot of things I just realize I have to be at the end of this. It is either that or end up in jail or dead.
Obviously trust has been destroyed but she is still supportive. She points out that I have to talk to someone probably in a one on one setting. I've agreed and will be seeing my GP tomorrow and calling an individual therapist. An obvious statement she made was that if you are hiding it you know you have a serious problem.
I hid the 5th's in the trash can portion of the shredder that sits next to my desk and would pull on it throughout the day as the rest of the family was going about their business. (everyone was sick so we didn't get out this weekend). Once done I would sneak them outside and toss them on the side of the shed until Friday rolled around and I could toss them with the trash.
As for the physical and mental issues of stopping I am going to tell the truth about the amounts I've been drinking with my GP and do the detox the right way. As I am unable to see him until tomorrow I discussed with my wife and she agreed to give me a taper with some low strength beer for today. She is controlling it and allowing me to have one as needed every couple of hours.
I know this is a controversial action does not work for most people. I've tried it on my own a few times and just ended up getting smashed again. But I have put it in her hands and I'm not going to take that away from her or me this time.
I'm super scared about the anxiety that is going to accompany this quit. Worrying about what I did during the haze and always thinking about what could have happened. I always do that. Perhaps I should not focus on the past and what could have and rather focus on where I am going.
I am going to lurk around the site for awhile today while I try getting by. Thanks for reading if you did.
I went to outpatient therapy in 2010 and managed to stay sober for 4 months before falling right back into my destructive behavior. It was mostly beer that I was drinking. Not an everyday drinker. I could go a week or two before spiraling into a 4-5 day bend where it was 15-20+ beers a night.
Been getting worse and more frequent between bends lately and for some reason I decided to drink a 5th of Vodka instead of beer. I drank it, rinsed and repeated a 5th for the next 8 days.
I've detoxed at home all of the time. This time I am scared of doing it. I've found that I had to have a pull every hour or so to keep from developing withdrawal symptoms. I couldn't see an end in sight and with a young family that depends on me for a lot of things I just realize I have to be at the end of this. It is either that or end up in jail or dead.
Obviously trust has been destroyed but she is still supportive. She points out that I have to talk to someone probably in a one on one setting. I've agreed and will be seeing my GP tomorrow and calling an individual therapist. An obvious statement she made was that if you are hiding it you know you have a serious problem.
I hid the 5th's in the trash can portion of the shredder that sits next to my desk and would pull on it throughout the day as the rest of the family was going about their business. (everyone was sick so we didn't get out this weekend). Once done I would sneak them outside and toss them on the side of the shed until Friday rolled around and I could toss them with the trash.
As for the physical and mental issues of stopping I am going to tell the truth about the amounts I've been drinking with my GP and do the detox the right way. As I am unable to see him until tomorrow I discussed with my wife and she agreed to give me a taper with some low strength beer for today. She is controlling it and allowing me to have one as needed every couple of hours.
I know this is a controversial action does not work for most people. I've tried it on my own a few times and just ended up getting smashed again. But I have put it in her hands and I'm not going to take that away from her or me this time.
I'm super scared about the anxiety that is going to accompany this quit. Worrying about what I did during the haze and always thinking about what could have happened. I always do that. Perhaps I should not focus on the past and what could have and rather focus on where I am going.
I am going to lurk around the site for awhile today while I try getting by. Thanks for reading if you did.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Try listening to speakers online. Burns B. is a doctor with our disease. Others also share our story. I've found aa speakers helpful. If you aren't sure about aa, take a listen anyway as thye share our disease. Best wishes!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I'm glad you are going to the dr tomorrow.
I cringed when you said you asked your wife to give you a drink every couple of hours. I think that support is very helpful, but the bottom line is that it's your responsibility to stay sober.
And, yeah, the anxiety that goes along with detoxing is very difficult, but it can also be a positive thing in knowing that you never have to go through this again.
Let us know how you're doing.
I cringed when you said you asked your wife to give you a drink every couple of hours. I think that support is very helpful, but the bottom line is that it's your responsibility to stay sober.
And, yeah, the anxiety that goes along with detoxing is very difficult, but it can also be a positive thing in knowing that you never have to go through this again.
Let us know how you're doing.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I'm so pleased you are off to a fresh start....Congratulations...
Yes do call your GP about how best to safely de tox this time.
It's best to be safe and sober too.
You did not mention AA...so I will because it's how I found my solution
and the local rooms are full of people learning how to live well and sober.
All my best to you and your family Please keep posting with us
Welcome to our recovery community...
Yes do call your GP about how best to safely de tox this time.
It's best to be safe and sober too.
You did not mention AA...so I will because it's how I found my solution
and the local rooms are full of people learning how to live well and sober.
All my best to you and your family Please keep posting with us
Welcome to our recovery community...
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome WK -
Congratulations on your decision to get sober! Getting honest is hard to do but it's a big step in the right direction.
Keep reading/posting - I spent the first couple of days on this forum and everyone here helped pull me through. Glad you've joined us!
Congratulations on your decision to get sober! Getting honest is hard to do but it's a big step in the right direction.
Keep reading/posting - I spent the first couple of days on this forum and everyone here helped pull me through. Glad you've joined us!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi WhiteKnuckled - I'm glad you told us your story & had that talk with your wife. It sounds like you are more than ready to let this be your last episode of drinking.
I did all that sneaky stuff too - even vodka in my morning coffee. I was drinking all day when I found SR - I was so happy to be free of the terrible grip it had on me. You can have your life back & have hope once again. We'll be here for you - keep posting.
I did all that sneaky stuff too - even vodka in my morning coffee. I was drinking all day when I found SR - I was so happy to be free of the terrible grip it had on me. You can have your life back & have hope once again. We'll be here for you - keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
I know how hard it is to admit to a spouse that you've been drinking again. I have done that a few times, and it's devestating. Having said that, I think it's great that you did have that talk with your wife! 
A definite step in the right direction. Good luck at the dr tomorrow. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your family.
A definite step in the right direction. Good luck at the dr tomorrow. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Good for you for telling the truth! Secret drinking is horrible. I used to do it starting at 7 AM, stopping at the C-store before work for a couple "energy drinks" so I could get through the morning at work.
Very best wishes to you in your detox and sobriety. Congratulations.
Very best wishes to you in your detox and sobriety. Congratulations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
Thanks for all the responses. Yesterday was bearable but only because I was given low grade beer ever hour to two hours. While it did keep things at bay I realized this was not for me and probably only attempted it to have one last drink.
So I put it down the drain and went to bed, or tried. Minimal sleep with the creepy dreams, palpitations, nausea, head haze and sweats were on and off. Managed to get family off for the day to make my appointment with the doctor as fast as I could. So I call and he can't be seen today. Frak! So I asked for the first available and this is where things went weird.
Got in at 10 feeling like crap. Pulse was a little high at 70 and bp was at 132/80. Finally the doc came in and was very open and straight forward about what I have been doing and what to do about it. As I was being told about going into 30 day detox something happened to me. My head started to spin sand sweat broke out all over. She had me lie down and gave a water and took my vitals which we actually pretty good. I was thinking here comes a seizure! She asked I had eaten and of course I could not eat and that is what may have caused the near pass out.
In the end I opted for the ativan treatment since afterwards she could see small trembling and the anxiety. I was off with a 10 day supply which I took for my first dozing right when I got back. The shakiness and nerves calmed a bit over the course of the day and I took my second daily dose. Feeling a bit groggy and physically wrecked but I don't think I will go through what I did last night and this morning.
I'm so glad I went to the GP. She did stress in patient because with the amount of drinking I fessed up to she said she was worried that I may need more ativan if symptoms got worse. I understood the concern but have put my mind at ease that what I chose to do here was the right plan for for now.
So I put it down the drain and went to bed, or tried. Minimal sleep with the creepy dreams, palpitations, nausea, head haze and sweats were on and off. Managed to get family off for the day to make my appointment with the doctor as fast as I could. So I call and he can't be seen today. Frak! So I asked for the first available and this is where things went weird.
Got in at 10 feeling like crap. Pulse was a little high at 70 and bp was at 132/80. Finally the doc came in and was very open and straight forward about what I have been doing and what to do about it. As I was being told about going into 30 day detox something happened to me. My head started to spin sand sweat broke out all over. She had me lie down and gave a water and took my vitals which we actually pretty good. I was thinking here comes a seizure! She asked I had eaten and of course I could not eat and that is what may have caused the near pass out.
In the end I opted for the ativan treatment since afterwards she could see small trembling and the anxiety. I was off with a 10 day supply which I took for my first dozing right when I got back. The shakiness and nerves calmed a bit over the course of the day and I took my second daily dose. Feeling a bit groggy and physically wrecked but I don't think I will go through what I did last night and this morning.
I'm so glad I went to the GP. She did stress in patient because with the amount of drinking I fessed up to she said she was worried that I may need more ativan if symptoms got worse. I understood the concern but have put my mind at ease that what I chose to do here was the right plan for for now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
Day 1
I need to get the diet back online. I've always eaten well and exorcised except when I hit the rebounds. I ate like crap this past round when I did. Going for a real meal now that I feel up to it and then it's lay down and rest. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I'm so glad that you went to your dr and that she helped you.
I agree with you that eating well right now will help a lot. Listen to your body and keep posting to let us know how you're doing.
I agree with you that eating well right now will help a lot. Listen to your body and keep posting to let us know how you're doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
Day 2
Things are decidedly better physically today but I still have the haze and my short term memory has some issues. Also still have a bit of ups and downs with anxiety and irritability. I'd love to crawl in a hole for a few more days till this subsides but I can't so I'll try to make the best of it and stay busy.
I do have one question on proceeding here at SR. Is there a section to start a journal or does one keep it going in this thread. Sorry my search skills are whacked. Obvious reasons
I do have one question on proceeding here at SR. Is there a section to start a journal or does one keep it going in this thread. Sorry my search skills are whacked. Obvious reasons
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
WK, my detox was similar, but much less intense. Even so, the symptoms were the same. It was three or four days before my head started to clear even a little, and it has continued that way since with small but noticeable improvements every day.
You will find your way because your instincts are good, and you have a support system in place. You are motivated to pursue your goal - set yourself up for success by taking advantage of any point of view or sobriety strategy that will take you forward on your journey.
Keep coming back to SR - there are many members who will help you and are genuinely interested in your progress.
You will find your way because your instincts are good, and you have a support system in place. You are motivated to pursue your goal - set yourself up for success by taking advantage of any point of view or sobriety strategy that will take you forward on your journey.
Keep coming back to SR - there are many members who will help you and are genuinely interested in your progress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
Day 3
Originally Posted by freshstart57 
WK, my detox was similar, but much less intense. Even so, the symptoms were the same. It was three or four days before my head started to clear even a little, and it has continued that way since with small but noticeable improvements every day.
You will find your way because your instincts are good, and you have a support system in place. You are motivated to pursue your goal - set yourself up for success by taking advantage of any point of view or sobriety strategy that will take you forward on your journey.
Keep coming back to SR - there are many members who will help you and are genuinely interested in your progress.
You will find your way because your instincts are good, and you have a support system in place. You are motivated to pursue your goal - set yourself up for success by taking advantage of any point of view or sobriety strategy that will take you forward on your journey.
Keep coming back to SR - there are many members who will help you and are genuinely interested in your progress.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
Day 6
I'm doing really good. I went to my follow up with my GP on Friday. What a 180 from the last visit. The meds helped me through this. One thing that sucks is my emotions going in all directions. To be expected when one has to dig them from the where they have been drowned out for so long.
On a happier not I have the NFL sunday ticket and my goal is to enjoy football week in and week out SOBER. Had some good wings today for the early games and I just managed to clean up the house. Productivity > being drunk.
On a happier not I have the NFL sunday ticket and my goal is to enjoy football week in and week out SOBER. Had some good wings today for the early games and I just managed to clean up the house. Productivity > being drunk.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Way to go WK!
I love watching football sober. I can scream and pout without wondering if people will think I've been drinking. A good excuse for junk food, too.
It's great to hear you're doing well!
I love watching football sober. I can scream and pout without wondering if people will think I've been drinking. A good excuse for junk food, too.
It's great to hear you're doing well!
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