On the brink
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1
On the brink
Hello. First post. Found you through Google.
I'm on the brink. I'm not addicted to any specific drug, but I find I am unwilling to be completely sober at any given time. I sometimes accomplish this somewhat innocently -- maybe a joint or 2 or 3 beers (I'm not a big drinker). Often and, more often lately, I've been buying stronger pain medication like oxy 80's (I eat them, usually a 1/4 at a time) or fentanyl patch (my favorite). I'll make a patch last 5 days by just putting a piece in my mouth and sucking on it. It gets you pretty mashed. I would certainly say opiates are my favorite.
I'll go a week without, but when I have nothing else I'll default to tylenol 1's -- the kind with some codeine in them. I'll eat 4 in the morning, and maybe 4 after lunch. Doesn't really do much anymore, though.
Keep in mind, I'm a young professional earning a significantly higher wage than average, so money isn't why I haven't developed a *serious* problem. The main reason for this ... and it's one I'm very aware of ... is I have no connections! I'm like a drug outcast! I know 2 people who live an hour away (in my hometown) who supply me from time to time. That requires the drive and will somewhat curb my desire.
My lack of connections not withstanding -- there still is a problem here. When I'm not on pain killers, I'm thinking about pain killers. I'm always waiting for the weekend and hoping a friend can find me some patch. This is such a costly waste of time and it's ruining who I am. I can feel that. I can't work properly unless I'm mashed. I have no motivation unless I'm mashed. I'm not sweet to my (unknowing) girlfriend unless I'm smashed. I feel drained, bored and depressed unless I get myself high.
I'm not sure what to do. I feel lucky enough to know there's a problem on the horizon. A self perpetuating mental illness that is advising me that this is the proper, mature actions of a 30 year old despite knowing in my core how useless it is.
Posting this was a bit of a confession -- I apologize if it's boring or seems petty to some of the other problems that must cross this forum. Maybe others felt similar in their life and can relate something.
I think I need to take some action to correct this but I'm not sure what that is.
I'm on the brink. I'm not addicted to any specific drug, but I find I am unwilling to be completely sober at any given time. I sometimes accomplish this somewhat innocently -- maybe a joint or 2 or 3 beers (I'm not a big drinker). Often and, more often lately, I've been buying stronger pain medication like oxy 80's (I eat them, usually a 1/4 at a time) or fentanyl patch (my favorite). I'll make a patch last 5 days by just putting a piece in my mouth and sucking on it. It gets you pretty mashed. I would certainly say opiates are my favorite.
I'll go a week without, but when I have nothing else I'll default to tylenol 1's -- the kind with some codeine in them. I'll eat 4 in the morning, and maybe 4 after lunch. Doesn't really do much anymore, though.
Keep in mind, I'm a young professional earning a significantly higher wage than average, so money isn't why I haven't developed a *serious* problem. The main reason for this ... and it's one I'm very aware of ... is I have no connections! I'm like a drug outcast! I know 2 people who live an hour away (in my hometown) who supply me from time to time. That requires the drive and will somewhat curb my desire.
My lack of connections not withstanding -- there still is a problem here. When I'm not on pain killers, I'm thinking about pain killers. I'm always waiting for the weekend and hoping a friend can find me some patch. This is such a costly waste of time and it's ruining who I am. I can feel that. I can't work properly unless I'm mashed. I have no motivation unless I'm mashed. I'm not sweet to my (unknowing) girlfriend unless I'm smashed. I feel drained, bored and depressed unless I get myself high.
I'm not sure what to do. I feel lucky enough to know there's a problem on the horizon. A self perpetuating mental illness that is advising me that this is the proper, mature actions of a 30 year old despite knowing in my core how useless it is.
Posting this was a bit of a confession -- I apologize if it's boring or seems petty to some of the other problems that must cross this forum. Maybe others felt similar in their life and can relate something.
I think I need to take some action to correct this but I'm not sure what that is.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome to SR
As an alcoholic drugs were not really something that interested me so I really do not have any real experience to share. I can however provide you with a link to some recovery programs that you might find useful. Here is the link. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-recover.html You also might post in our substance abuse forum as you will find a lot of support there as well.
As an alcoholic drugs were not really something that interested me so I really do not have any real experience to share. I can however provide you with a link to some recovery programs that you might find useful. Here is the link. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-recover.html You also might post in our substance abuse forum as you will find a lot of support there as well.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, boatsEH -
The first step to change is admitting there's a problem, so here's to you for doing that.
It doesn't really matter what we take or how much, addiction is about the obsession/compulsion to do something even though we know it's harmful to us.
It's progressive, too, so that it gets worse over time.
There are lots of resources out there, and you'll get lots of support here, too. Life really can be good sober (though I didn't believe it at first!)
The first step to change is admitting there's a problem, so here's to you for doing that.
It doesn't really matter what we take or how much, addiction is about the obsession/compulsion to do something even though we know it's harmful to us.
It's progressive, too, so that it gets worse over time.
There are lots of resources out there, and you'll get lots of support here, too. Life really can be good sober (though I didn't believe it at first!)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi boatsEh
welcome
like others have said, I don't believe the amount or the frequency matters nearly as much as what happens to you - if you're thinking about getting high all the time and finding yourself unwilling to be completely sober at any given time, I think you're wise to
look at the problem now before it gets worse.
Have you considered any courses of action? See your Dr or a counsellor, or looking into any one of the many recovery groups around?
I know you'll find a lot of support and advice here in any case - good to have you here
D
welcome
like others have said, I don't believe the amount or the frequency matters nearly as much as what happens to you - if you're thinking about getting high all the time and finding yourself unwilling to be completely sober at any given time, I think you're wise to
look at the problem now before it gets worse.
Have you considered any courses of action? See your Dr or a counsellor, or looking into any one of the many recovery groups around?
I know you'll find a lot of support and advice here in any case - good to have you here
D
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