WhiteKnuckles

Is this constant misery just another progression of this disease? I used to have periods where I felt happy with life, even while drinking heavily. But it has been a long, long time since I felt remotely happy. No, I am not in danger of harming myself in the immediate future and I haven’t had a drink since Friday. I am just very depressed because I do not like the person I have become after 15 years of drinking heavily. I do not like the choices I have made and I feel overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety. Some days I feel like an empty shell that would be better off thrown in the trash because I’m too damaged to fix. I’ve also gotten involved in a situation that I have no business being in and I need to stop it like, yesterday. Plus my dog who I have had for 12 years and has been my best friend is dying, I can't even think about it without tearing up and I feel like I haven't been fully there for her when she needs me most because of my drinking. Do you think AA can help me deal with some of these issues? I don’t really like going to counselors, last time I went it was a young lady right out of college and after I talked to her about some stuff she looked at me like I was a completely depraved idiot, wrote me a prescription for Prozac and sent me on my way. Another counselor told me he wouldn’t even see me until I have stopped drinking for 30 days. Anyone else ever felt completely miserable and out of control like this and if so, what finally helped you change?

alchy

It takes time to start feeling better again. You are very early in recovery, as am I. Remember that your whole body and brain are now wired to expect alcohol, now that you quit, your emotions are going to be quite unpredictable. Day 4 I broke down at work in a back room and bawled my eyes out all morning for no reason at all. Felt hopeless etc. That was my worst day. It gets better with time.
Don't feel guilty for what you have done in the past. You can't change that. The reason I quit to was because I hated the person I'd become and wanted/needed to change. I can't change my past but I can change who I am today, and tomorrow etc. At almost 3 months sober I am becoming the person I once was and never thought I could be again.
Hang in there, it truly does get better. But you didn't become an alcoholic overnight, recovery doesn't happen over night either.

And yes, early on, things are amazingly overwhelming and emotional. Your whole body and brain are screwed up. The thought of NEVER drinking again is daunting. But alcohol is the cause of how you are feeling and the person you aren't proud to be. Having some sober days under your belt is something to be VERY proud of. It isn't easy, but you are on your way. Think of sobriety as, "ok, I'm not drinking today". It's easier to go one day then contemplate not drinking forever. Now I have a long string of single days of not drinking and each day gets easier and more "normal". I am stronger, thinner, clear headed and on track to returning to who I once was. There are hard times still, always will be, but it's sooooo worth it.

Congrats on your first days sober!!!

WhiteKnuckles

Alchy hugs and thank you for the advice. I don't even have a desire to drink that I am aware of right now. At this point I just drink to make the pain stop, I don't even enjoy it anymore. So I think that makes it easier to think about not drinking today. I am really, really, really tired. I've been reading this site for a long, long time so I know early sobriety can be painful and it helps to hear that things can get better than they ever were while I was drunk. I think I've said it here before, I just want to feel like a real human being again. Thank you again for sharing.

alchy

No problem. I spent(still spend) many hours on here just reading others experiences and it helps a lot. There is a lot of support here and some great people. Celebrate and be proud of your first sober days. It's a good journey that I am still new to as well. It sounds like we are similar in our quitting. I was scared shltless(can I say that here?) but decided for myself I was sooooo sick of drinking and being hungover 24/7, passing out every night, gaining 50 lbs, obsessing over my next drink and alcohol in general etc etc. My desire to quit finally became stronger than my desire to keep killing myself with alcohol. We are lucky for that. A lot of people don't get the luxury of coming to that conclusion themselves and I think that is part of the reason I have been sucessful thus far. I couldn't stand to look in the mirror anymore and see who I was, and it was all 100% due to alcohol. I am starting to like who I am seeing in the mirror, physically and figuratively.

littlefish

Yes. Alcohol is a major depressant of the central nervous system and not only relaxes your body physically but acts as a depressant psychologically.

Yes, this is extremely common. We used to feel happy drinking, but then that rush disappeared and more often than not was replaced by obsessive behavior where we just drank to not feel bad.

Well then you have come to the right place because we understand that perfectly. Speaking for myself, though I know I speak for others, yes, I hated the person I had become.

Quilt, remorse, anxiety, self hatred, self pity.....yes. This is all part of this disease we have, no you are not alone, yes we all felt that.

Yes, I use AA and it helps me deal with exactly those issues. That said, I do not exclude other programs either. Find a program, find what works for you, but the most important thing to do is get out there and find it and then use it.

I have had good and bad experiences with counselors. Because I have had good experiences, I would say don't give up. If one counselor doesn't really mix with you, move on.

LoftyIdeals

Whiteknuckles...thanks for your post. Early recovery can suck pretty bad, and the bad memories of drinking can fade if we don't keep cognizant of them for strength in early recovery. I had many happy times drinking, and it feels like fewer now as well, but I was living for the instant gratification of alcohol, and for any reason; happy, sad, indifferent. I realize now that many of those "happy" moments were just delusions of grandeur. Give me a bottle of bourbon and I could solve the worlds problems and feel great about it. Give me a couple other drunks to philosophize with and we were on a roll. What became of those world class solutions? They were forgotten in blackouts, never talked about again. They were not really good times. They were fun, yes, but pointless wastes of time, money and brain cells.

Not that I don't believe sobriety can be fun. But, like you, I'm TRUSTING that it will be so at some point in the future. Some point when I can have true happiness that I can act upon and live a meaningful life.

This is more than not drinking; its an investment for our future. Like most investments, it requires opportunity cost for today. Immediate happiness is sometimes one of those costs. But inner peace, serenity, and tranquility can be one of those more immediate rewards.

If you are a Christian, you might find solace in Job or Ecclesiastes. There is, my friend, a time for everything. For me, I have used up all my "time" for drinking...for my life.

Peace. Hang in there. It might help to get out and mull around where there are non-drinkers; a mall or something. And, Keep Posting! I thank you for your post. I get where you are, and this, too will pass. Just give it time.

ViciousCycle

Alcohol made me very depressed.........I was so sick of my life and like you, very very tired.
I dreaded each and every day...it was no way to live. I am normally a very happy person. Alcohol took that. It claimed me.

I am a bit over 60 days sober and I am the living proof for you that it does not get better. It gets fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Life gets so much easier.........I went from a depressed, tired, inactive, stay at home(to drink), unambitious, sad person to a well-balanced, happy, active and grateful gal very quickly. Alcohol, as the others have mentioned, really messes with your well being. The thoughts are not even real, it makes you sick in the head. This can and WILL change if you let it. Hang on for a bit and see yourself.

I am sending good thoughts your way! If I can do it, anyone can!

:ghug3

nandm

Early recovery can be quite frustrating. We tend to want to see results, to feel different, to see change and to have it happen now. Unfortunately, it took time to do the damage to our bodies, minds, situations, and spirits. You said you drank for 15 years? That amount of damage will take time to heal. Even if you don't see it your body and mind are healing more each day you do not drink. It does not happen over night and honestly it can be quite a struggle at times. Yes, I do believe AA would help provide you with some answers and peace. It teaches the tools to help heal our minds, bodies, and spirits and in doing that we repair our situations. It also provides a wonderful support group of caring and encouraging people.

I am truly sorry to hear about your dog. I have one who is 16 and is not in good health I know my heart will break when that day eventually comes. They become a member of the family.

As far as mental health professionals go I have seen good ones and bad ones. Sometimes medications are needed sometimes they are not but it always should be in partnership or a mutual decision for someone to go on medications. I also encourage anyone who decides to take mental health medications to educate themselves about the medications and the diseases they are being used to treat. If you feel you might need help then try to go in with an open mind.

I do hope that you find what you are seeking.

WhiteKnuckles

You guys I want to thank you for weighing in with your advice and experiences. I also want to thank you for your patience, I have posted a couple times before about the exact same issues and wanting to change. I know it is probably tiresome having someone post again and again with the same problem and no real resolution. And knowing what it takes to change and not quite getting there yet. But I think what is going on is that my love affair with drinking is petering out, like I said I don't even WANT to drink anymore, I just do to try to escape from this god-awful depression. LoftyIdeas I do believe in God and have prayed to Him hundreds of times to lift this sickness from me, and I think He is telling me that he cannot do it all Himself, I have to be the one to take the first steps and He will help me. I have felt extremely disconnected from God for the past six months or so which is also scary since I have always had a strong belief that has gotten me through my darkest times. Of course I have not been behaving anywhere close to the way God would want me to and I know that is part of the problem. I keep coming back to this site because honestly reading all of the posts is the only thing that can touch me emotionally and help me feel things again and realize that life can be better. It is me who is choosing to live the way I live and feel the way I feel. Anyway thank you guys again very much for taking the time to reach out.

BrokenChains

Thank you for starting this thread. I know exactly how you feel. I am going through this exact same thing. Lots of good advice and words on this thread.

I am in my early sobriety days and have been very depressed as well. I am holding on to the hope that my body and mind are healing. I am going to try to keep faith in that even though I can't see it at the moment. I am going to have the faith. I know one day the sun will shine again.

I'm thinking of you and I'm always here for you! ***Hugs***

WhiteKnuckles

Yes BrokenChains there is one and only one thing I know for sure at the moment, if we DON'T stop, our bodies and minds will not heal, and the sun will not shine. At least I know this to be true from what I am experiencing. I have yet to hear an alcoholic say they kept right on drinking and their life became better...but I have heard hundreds say they quit drinking and life became not only better but quite wonderful. So yes let's hang in there friend, sending hugs and good thoughts your way!

Dee74

I'm really sorry about your dog WK.

I wasn't happy when I quit either, but I reasoned that I'd drunk for years...it was going to take me a little time to get out of the hole I'm been digging for myself all that time.

Do stick with it - and I think a good recovery needs more than just not drinking. I needed to relearn how to live sober, I needed to go out and look for things and not expect them to come to me....I needed to deal with a lot of things I'd tried to drown with booze.

It took time and effort and wasn't always easy - but I always found support here and I know you will too

D

Anna

I'm also really sorry about your dog. It's so painful to deal with a sick pet.

I only drank to stop the pain for the last six months or so of my drinking. There was no longer anything else to it but that. And, alcohol is a depressant and it's hard to feel positive when you're drinking.

Believe that you are healing and know that you are finding the way on your path of recovery. I had completely lost any spiritual connection that I had, and I knew instinctively that I needed to have that again in order to find my way.

Hevyn

WhiteKnuckles - I just want to join the others in cheering you on. I had most of the same feelings as you when I quit after almost 30 yrs. of heavy drinking. I had to learn to live again in a new way, and I was lost at first. All the bad stuff will pass & you'll feel calm and hopeful once again.

I'm glad you shared what you were feeling with us. I hope it helps ease your anxiety a bit.

EmeraldRose

Whiteknuckles. I'm sorry to hear your dog is sick.

Things seem to stack up when we are knewly sober -then we get overwhelmed and cornfused. What I found helpful would be not to think of the past but think of my goals. What did I want from life. What did I want to do and how do I want to run my life sober.
Where do I want to be this time next year. It helped because I wasn't focused on the past. I could move forward. I felt trapped in the past.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace and strength.

LaFemme

WK...I am so sorry about your dog. I have always had dogs and there are a lot of dog lovers on here so we know what it's like

Alcohol sucked all desire to live from me. I was not suicidal but wished I would die just so that the sadness would go away. The depression was so bad it hurt physically. When I was earlier in my drinking days this didn't happen.

Quitting drinking changed all that. But it did take a lot of work as well. At 13+ months I am now a happy, healthy person, capable of coping with whatever life throws at me.

And I am 100% here for my dogs.

Stick with us, you can be happy again!

HopefullHusband

This sounds exactly like me. When I went into the Dr to get help with my depression I explained that I didn't want to harm myself but every time I read about a fatal car accident, train wreck, crazed gunman shooting spree I wish I was the one that died.

It has been getting better over the last few weeks, I actually have moments during the day that are not miserable but I am looking forward to smiling again or singing along to a happy song while I drive down the street.

WhiteKnuckled

I've had a lot of the same feelings during this last bend. I decided to come clean and ask for help too. I'm pretty depressed about all of it.

Nice name by the way :P

stavros212

I feel the same way. I want to recover, I want to feel better about myself and the world, but I haven't given it enough time.
But how much time is enough? When do we really start to get better?
I can do a few weeks without drinking and I know my body feels better, but my mind is still driven to alcohol. I cannot think about it for days and then I just reach a breaking point, like I just want to turn off all the stress I get from being sober. Not that I don't have any other releases, but it's like alcohol is the only thing that takes it away, even if just for a little bit.
I know it's different for everybody, but when can I expect to just let it go? When will the stress, depression, negative thoughts and alcohol cravings finally begin to calm down?
Recovery is a long road I guess, but it would nice to have a time frame in mind.
The thought of just having to fight my cravings and deal with all the negative feelings forever bc I've given up alcohol is a scary thought.

EmeraldRose

I don't know how long you've been sober this time, stavros, but it is different for everyone. Everyone has their own life and journey to follow. I am 7 months sober and found a few basic rules to live by in the early days --as well, as even now...the biggest one is to be patient. Things happen in their own time when time is ready. I found that fighting life made things worse.
Think outside the box. Think of goals and the future, make plans...take steps to make them happen -daily.
I know this one is hard but remaining positive is a huge achievement in sobriety. I have released worry...it is merely fear of the future and until that future occurs you aren't accomplishing anything and just wasting precious energy. By being positive, you will see that positive things seem to happen when you look on the bright side. You can not change situations only how you feel about them.
You have to 'learn' to let it go. Don't forget the past but don't relive it either.
There is no timeframe for recovery. I spent 30 years drinking and about 10 years thinking about the options of quitting...I feel now those 10 years were an important part of my journey...after many failed attempts I am ready. Life happens in sequence.