Overwelmed & Afraid
 

It's hard to see how I got here.It's hard to even began to see a way out.
I haven't given up;I know it can happen.
I seem to be a person that if I do something I've got to give it my all.It seems that is the case with my addictions.

I don't know where to begin ,so I make no changes;I've been barely existing for so long but I have no life..I was 19 when I started abusing alcohol.I'm 42 yrs old now & I'm just as dumb as I was then.
I'm afraid because I know that there's a big chance that I'll end up killing myself because of drinking extremely large amounts of alcohol & amphetamines.As long as I have beer,cigarettes,& amphetamines I really don't worry about anything else.I don't really care about food except every once in awhile.It's Sunday morning and I've been awake since Thursday morning.I ate a sandwich Thursday & nothing yesterday.Friday I ate a piece of bread because I felt sick to my stomach.

I started using meth about 7 yrs ago.I abused it for 2 yrs.Important things didn't matter anymore.At times I thought I would be taken to a mental institution because of the hallucinations.I quit using meth and switched to adderall.The more adderall I take the more I drink.I'm neglecting everything that once was important.I used to be pretty responsible but that all disappeared a long time ago.I hate being this way but I seem to be hell bent on destroying myself.I rarely leave my house because I can't have anything interfering with my drinking schedule.When I run out of money I try to sleep as much as I can.What A Wonderful Life...I thought amphetamines were great at first.I wasn't shy anymore..I had lots of energy.I now use that energy to do meaniless things.I live really in total filth.I won't let anyone in my house.I have an animal hoarding problem too.Having the animals gives me a good excuse to not go to a rehab.I have to get rid of them 1st and my only priority is if I have enough beer and pills.I sit here and make no decisions or changes so it just keeps getting worse.

I hope you find a way forward. I wondered why you posted today?

It maybe a good time to go to a rehab place. Get yourself clean up and learn how to know use alcohol and drugs. Life gets easier if you take the first steps to recovery but until you do your digging a deep hole that you may not get out. If not rehab then at least see a doctor.

Stay strong and don't your downfall be it. Get help now!

Zorilla, coming here is a good step so already today you have done something positive for yourself. You can do outpatient rehab and still take care of your animals. Today is a new day. I hope it brings you strength.

In reality if you do have an animal hoarding problem you have past the point where you are helping them. Placing them or at least some of them in new homes is best. Lowering your numbers to where you feel you have a reasonable amount and you can still give good care to them. They will not help to fill the void you feel.

You are dealing with some pretty big issues. You are so right that the uppers and alcohol are not helping you. I thought alcohol helped me and made my life better, but no. It just worked to destroy it.

You can get better. Just take it day by day.

It's not good for the animals or me..I can't take care of myself so the only pet I could take good care of is a pet rock;if I didn't lose it.
I think I really need to go into an inpatient rehab.I've never tried to get off of amphetamines before.

I hope you find the energy and courage to go to rehab for DT. You deserve better than the life you live now. You have already done one right step, by announcing your addiction here on SR.
I wish you the best Zorilla :)

zappa

I am glad you found us and Welcome!

I think it might be a good idea to call the Humane Society for your animals and to go into a treatment centre to give you a chance to deal with your addiction.

I wish you well.

Zorilla... as others have posted. You would be doing yourself a great favor by taking your pets to the humane society and checking yourself into rehab/detox. You've just got to pull off the bandaid in one clean, swift, yank. It will hurt less in the long run.

Good luck. I hope you will make your move today.

Please love your animals enough to let them go....and then love yourself enough to get into a treatment center.

The Salvation Army has free treatment facilties in many areas id you
do not have insurance coverage.
Because of the long use of both alcohol and drugs....please do get professional
assistance and be safe.

Welcome back...:wave:

I have alot of family that love me & would bend over backwards to help me.But they are who I don't want to tell that I'm addicted to amphetamines.I'm ashamed and I've put my Mother through so much in the past that I'm surprized she doesn't drink.
I've been dealing with big issues since I was a little girl.I was so shy and I always thought that I stood out like a sore thumb because there was something wrong with me;no one could be like me..I was put in a mental hospital at 15 because of anorexia.At the time I saw no way out.I could not stop wanting to lose more lbs even though I weighed 87lbs.I was convinced that there was no hope & I would starve to death.I did finally gain some weight but my life revolved around food.There were more mental hospitals because of severe depression & anxiety about my weight.I started cutting myself and then I couldn't stop doing that.I even began to feel addicted to my therapist.I was cutting myself so much and my therapist was going to get a court order to have me admitted if my parents didn't make me go.I was diagnosed with OCD.I was never told what I had because I would had become obsessed with studying the disorder.
I seem to always replace an addiction with another one & I'm afraid the next one might be worse.I counted the days until I turned 18 and signed myself out.I wasn't great when I got out but life was at least bearable.I was taking nardil and xanax.I took the xanax as prescribed .75mg 3 times a day and after being on it 3 months I run out and had really bad withdrawals.The benefits from taking it outweighed the fact that it was addictive.I just knew now that I couldn't run out.I was 18 and I met a man and kind of became addicted to him.He turned out not to be such a nice man.There was alot of mental abuse and since I was convinced that I loved him I told him everything;giving him all the information he needed.He was crazier than I was.I started having anxiety problems again.A little vodka calmed me down.The drinking started out being very controlled.3 drinks a day.I had to have exactly 3 drinks a day or soo much anxiety.Our relationship was not good;I know I was a real joy to live with having so many rules I had to follow to feel ok.He did become physically abusive.He raped me once but he did catch me in bed with the guy next door;I was drunk of course.It had become so hard to conform to all my rules i'd put on myself I had constant anxiety.I felt so guilty about not being perfect that I had started drinking more.I could not deal with the fact that I had cheated on my boyfriend;again no hope.If I didn't think so much I would have been ok.I didn't like myself at all.My solution ended up drinking so much that I couldn't think.I was 19.I didn't like being that out of control.It wasn't long before the number of drinks I had to have daily became a 5th of vodka.I still had a thing about food;having to count calories, eat certain foods,so many rules.Soon after I turned 21 I decided the only answer was a rehab.I was so drunk that I passed out on the way.Instead of the rehab my caseworker took me to the nearest E.R. I was in a blackout I don't remember being there.My blood alcohol level was .53 but my vitials were ok and coherent.It was soon after i turned 21 and I had to be put on IVs in the hospital before the actual rehab.I remember crying because I weighed 120lbs.Food caused anxiety;so while I was in blackouts I ate alot.The structured rehab was helpful;being busy and on a schedule was very helpful.a few days after the alcohol was out of my system the intrusive thoughts were back & very disturbing.There more rehabs;I think 5 in a one year period.I would do good for awhile and then the thoughts would become so disturbing I'd start drinking again.When I was drunk I would end up sleeping with men I didn't know.This made me feel real guilty so I would drink until my brain couldn't think anymore.I feel like I'm telling my whole life story.I did have alot of good things happen to me too but alot of not good things.I've had brief periods where I didn't drink in the last 21yrs.
When I was 22 I got married.My boyfriend was going to have to go to jail for a probation violation so I decided we had to hurry up and get married.
"what was I thinking,I wasn't apparently.I get around a man & It's like I become dumber than a rock;no common sense what so ever.We met at a bar;he was on probation;there were clues that this probally wasn't a good thing.He had violated his probation because he got caught with a huge marijuana plant.I was arrested too;but the charges were dropped.Him and friends smoked alot pot.I never really cared for it.My husband was selling pot but I didn't think it was that big a deal.I had never taken acid before so tried it with my husband.I got a speed buzz that I liked.He said that it wasn't very good.The next time I was so paranoid;I thought that I was going crazy.The acid really scared me but one time my husband didn't come home after work and was gone all night.I was amaging he was doing the worst things you can image.I felt so much anger that I had that losing complete control feeling.There was some acid in the house so I took it. It scared me so bad that I called a Mental Health Crisis line.It brought out violent thoughts and I took a knife and cut the bed all up...I was very afraid of myself.I never took again.Why would people buy something that made you feel like you were going insane & how could they get enjoyment out of it.We started using cocaine and I was quickly becoming addicted.We talked about having a baby.I decided that would be good but we would have to do some major changes if we were going to have a baby.We decided that we would change if I became pregnant.I assumed it would take awhile to get pregnant so more booze and more cocaine.I got pregnant in about a month.There was no even thinking about stopping the booze & cocaine.It just had to be done.I could abuse my body but I couldn't do it to a child.During the time I was pregnant I felt emotionly and physically better than any other time in my life.I'm going to have to stop writing for awhile.I just felt the need to post this because I know there's alot of other people that have went through the same thing.

Hi Zorilla -

I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel, but I'm so glad you're reaching out. It shows you have a desire to change and a willingness to get help and that's the most important ingredient in recovery.

When I decided to get sober, I didn't know what was going to happen or if I'd ever be happy again. It felt like I was leaping into a bottomless abyss. But I found that when I do what I can today, it gives me the strength I need for tomorrow.

Obviously, your problems aren't going to be solved overnight, but you can take a step (just like you did today). At first it might be something small - make a phone call, or talk to a doctor. Look up the resources (federal, state, local) for rehab, mental health, animal shelters. You can only start from where you're at, but you have to start. Just thinking about it is the worst thing you can do.

(I don't know if you like reading, but there's a great book called "The Power of Intention" (by Wayne Dyer). It talks about how thoughts have energy, and how things start changing just by setting our minds in a new direction. We don't have to see the solution - we just have to open the door to the possibility that there is one.)

Things really can get better - and you can do this. Sending hugs/prayers......:ValA006:

Thank you for sharing your story Zorilla. I hope you take the right choices for you and your future!
Welcome to SR!

zappa

Welcome to SR Zorilla :)

I know that must have been painful to do, but thanks for sharing more of your story :)

I tend to agree with the others that the Humane Society would be best for your animals and I agree with you that rehab could help you.

I know you'll find a lot of support here :)

D

Thank you everybody
 

i'm being admitted into a rehab a week from tomorrow..

I'm glad to hear that Zorilla - I hope you'll stick close by us til then :)

D

What about the ER for detox now, then rehab in a week?

Prayers to you and your sober journey!

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone. Please try calling a local CMA meeting. There are people there who know just exactly what you are going through. I would also suggest seeing your doctor as soon as you can and having a heart to heart talk with him or her. You can beat this!

Here is a CMA 24 hour phone number,

213.488.4455 (HOTLINE)

HELP - CLICK HERE FOR HELP!

Since it also sounds like booze is a issue you can certainly also find some solid support at a local Aa meeting. I wish you the best of luck.

thanks i may just do that.

Thanks..I actually did see my doctor today and told her everything;told her i was sorry;told her that she is the best dr i've ever had;and asked her for a hug.