Biza

I had been doing so well but made some really bad decisions last night which lead to a night of drinking. I have no idea why I made those decisions. It was such a mistake.

Is there a time that sober people are able to say NO? Obviously the answer is yes I just dont know how to get there. I'm so frustrated with myself.

Ghostlight

Thanks for your post. It's a great reminder how cunning, baffling and powerfull alcohol is.

I've relapsed, for no apparent reason, so many times I couldn't count them.

But now, after 18 months sober, I have no desire to drink.
I don't even have to think about saying no. Alcohol is out of my life. But, I still have to be vigilant. I'm not super human, and I know I'm one drink away from my next drunk.

So it can be done. I was a serious hardcore drunk, and things are so much better.
Just take it one moment at a time, if you have to. And try and recall all the misery alcohol brought you- the self loathing, regret and the lost time to drinking.

Best to you..

Biza

Thank you. I hope I can get to where you are.

I am so filled with regret. Alcohol doesnt bring me anything but misery.

I was 16-17 days sober which is the longest I have gone in a very long time.

To be totally honest, I dont know how to stop or even live without alcohol. I am so lost right now. What is the first step, what do I even do?

MycoolFitz

My ex (not then) used to ask me why I drank after a relapse, I replied "I wasn't thinking". Of course I was. All actions are preceeded by thought. Our thoughts are precusors to our actions. It comes down to awareness and resolve-awareness of those sometimes subtle thoughts of wanting to drink (even when we don't want to acknowledge that thought) and the resolve to hear the thought and still not pick up (even though part of us might want to). It really comes down to out accepting responsibility for our own sobriety. Thoughts lead to actions, they don't cause them. Change our thoughts, chance our behaviors. My best to you.

Zebra1275

If you are trying to quit just by yourself through sheer willpower, it's gonna be tough. I tried that many times with varying degrees of success but ultimately I always drank again.

I had to change some aspects of how I deal with life and relate to others, otherwise I would drink again. Resentments always had a way of leading me back to the bottle.

Terminally Unique

You can. In fact, you can quit forever, not just for 18 months.

What have you tried already?

Biza

Thank you all so much. I have to figure out a way to make this work.

I am going it alone. Unfortunately I am not in a very supportive environment. Social activities really revolve around drinking with the group of people I associate with. Often drinking to excess.

What have I tried already is an excellent question. All I can say I have consciously tried is not to drink. I dont keep any in my apartment. Other than that I really dont understand what I am supposed to be doing with all of this.

I have the desire, but in the back of my head I think maybe just one, then that leads to one more, and so on. I realize that is the worst thought pattern. Its total justification and I hate it. I dont know how to stop it and make it go away.

I think I will do the 3pm meeting at the online AA site. Please give me advice. I really really need help right now before I end up destroying my life. I do honestly know I have absolutely no control over alcohol. It controls me.

Terminally Unique

This may interest you.

eJoshua

Hey Biza, congrats on making it to 16 or 17 days. Don't feel bad about the relapse, we all make mistakes. Instead try to learn from it and figure out a plan for the future.

Thank you for sharing and being honest!

FoundmySelf

Thank you for your post, I agree with eJoshua.

Today is a new day, with no mistakes in it. Just start fresh and put the past behind you!!

Coffin67

Well I would suggest going to a meeting putting your hand out to people, get their phone numbers and stay close to the program. I was a chronic relapser for a very long time. You really just need to get down to the basics. Get a sponsor work those steps and your life will change. I know mine did. I havent had a drink in 4779 Days

Dee74

Hi Biza

Many of us have made a false step or two - it's really hard to change our lives...and thats really what we're doing.

For me the turning point was truly accepting I couldn't drink...ever...and then finding support...

I also needed to change many things about my lifestyle - I tried to lead my old 'drunks life' and just stay sober, but that never worked for me.

I found a new life that matches the new me instead

D

TheOjibway84

That is completely true! My parents always asked me why I drank and I said I don't know. But I do. because what you explained in this post the thought popped in my head. I don't do it out of convulsion. Everytime I drank I thought about it and saw it to the end. Once I started thinking about how nice it would be to drink I'd get up the next day and head over to the liquor store with no thoughts of turning back and going home. Now I know I have to try to control those thoughts. When I dont think about drinking it never occurs of wanting to drink. When I start thinking how nice it'd be the thoughts start taking voer (The obsession to drink) Once I get in that frame of mind I can't seem to stop thinking and wanting it. But lately I have been stopping it by doing other things. anyways that was a great post just wanted to spread my thoughts AWESOME SITE!

Biza

Absolutely what happened to me! I was invited out by friends and thought it would feel really good to have just a beer, but once that beer was down I was chasing the buzz. So I did decided, I just dont know why on earth I did that. I will just have to be more vigilant. I also have no clue why I thought it would be ok for me to head out to a boozy party on the beach where all anyone was doing was drinking. It was just so silly.

Dee - Thank you. I know that you speak the truth when you say i have to change my environment. I love my friends but they are absolutely not in favor of this idea of a sober me. Even today as I stated I have got to stop they said we'll give it a couple of days and party some more. I am really torn between losing them and losing myself. Do you know what I mean? Also if I lose them do I also lose a part of myself. Its really hard because we are very close. I dont actually have friends who socialize without the aid of alcohol. To be honest I am a little worried that I will not like those kinds of people.

This is hard. Its like starting over entirely. It is so scary.

I attended the online meeting. I didnt speak just wanted to get the feel of it all. It was nice and I will be going to it again, tomorrow. I think I need daily contact with those who would help me avoid some of the temptations, at least until I can go it alone.

Lastly, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who gave me support this morning while I was at my lowest. Your words were of huge comfort to me and allowed me to feel like I can try again as many times as I need to to be successful.

CarolD

Good to know you are going to re start your sobriety....

I've always been a social person...and that means I enjoy friends.
To find new ones who shared my goal of lasting sobreity ..I connected to a local AA group....

Wow! rooms full of people who understood my drinking patterns and supported my efforts in finding a solution.

Wishing you all the best as you move forward...

instant

"Chasing the buzz" and everything that supports it is what we have to learn to live and deal with. Keep on learning. Do it till you get it right.

TheOjibway84

Biza. You can do it. It's hard we all know how it feels. But to be honest you have to decide for yourself whats more important to you. Being sobered and living a better life, or keep partying with your "friends" and be drunk and get into all sorts of trouble. At first I didn't believe nothing would ever happen to me in a bad situation while drinking. Sometimes things weren't bad, other times things did get bad and even when nothing really wrong happened.... it did, I started missing work because I was on the downhill towards wanting nothing but keeping drunk. I never use to binge for days until this year. But before I drift away from my point here in response to your latest reply... I had to change friends for good if I wanted to remain sober. But the thing was with my friends. All they cared about was drinking and I was told throughtout the 6 years of my drinking career that they weren't really my friends. I was very sick in the head in the first 4 years of drinking. I called on these guys everytime I wanted to drink and guess what? Whenever that happened they were more then happy to hang and drink. But when I didn't have money to drink I never heard them call on me once. All they cared about was the drinking. I finally learned who my real friends were and who my "drinking friends" were. But I couldn't consider them my friends anymore because once I remained sobered, or tried to remain sober I never once have heard from them in 3 years now. I know I don't know your group of friends but I thought I'd just point out that if they know you want to try and stay sober and they are true friends they'll respect what you want and won't try to convince you to remain sober for a couple of days then go back out. I've tried, we've all tried this theory. it gets worse and harder to quit drinking. I know you're scared of being too alone if you have to choose new friends, but as I said if they respect you as a friend they'll understand and still be friends with you, maybe they can try to have a fun time with a dry activity? I have 3 true friends out of the total of 6 friends i use to have. the other 3 cared nothing but drinking where as these other 3 I still hang out with don't drink at all or want to ever drink (not on my account though lol) I know who my true friends are because they never hint for a drink or they never ask for me to pay for drinks. Just keep that in mind, it may cause you to lsoe some friends and the other 3 I knew were good people but you know thats all they knew what to do was drink. good luck. everyone I have 12 days to go until I've been sobered for 1 month! Thank god it's been a great journey so far

Biza

TO84 - You are so right. I do need to take a long look at who is truly my friend. We out to the beach yesterday, everyone drank but me. One of my particularly close friends actually said to me he would "replace me" if I wasn't any fun any longer. I couldnt believe it. Nice.

I am a girl who hangs out with guys (platonic friendships) all the time so maybe he was just joking around. Probably what it was and I dont always get guy humor. I did post another post that I am super crabby and I think I might be a little hypersensitive too right now. But come on!! I just let it roll off my back and laughed it off but in side it got me thinking whether this whole keeping friends with different social outlets was going to work out.

I suppose I will have to look for some new friends. I am used to big groups of rowdy fun people. But I know that alcohol doesnt have to be a part of fun. I think time will tell me who my true friends are. Those who leave will never have been my friend in the first place.

I have also identified that I use alcohol as a social lubricant to allow me to feel comfortable, be bubbly and outgoing.

Oh well I will have to figure out how to be me sober. Thats a little scary. I like who I am minus the hangovers and the ridiculous behavior when drinking.

Anyone else afraid of losing their identity when you stop?

BTW its day 3 for me, not a drop since this post!! I got to day 16 or so last time. I am hoping for forever this time.

Taking5

Biza,

Any thoughts of attending a real, live and in person, AA meeting? Online meetings are a poor substitute IMHO.

least

I didn't get solid recovery until I started expressing gratitude for all my blessings every day - starting each morning with gratitude for waking up sober. Once I started counting my blessings I realized just how much I could lose if I drank again. It really cemented my desire to stay sober.