saphira

Tonight my husband came home smelling and tasting of beer. If you remember, this is the guy who is manager at a liquor store of all places. I didn't overreact, although I did ask if we could CALMLY set up some boundaries so that he could still do his job (which requires tasting new products) but that I wouldn't have as hard of a time with it. As I've stated in other posts, my husbands life revolves around liquor-- what to buy for the store, putting out ads, etc. My life now revolves around staying away from the stuff. Definitely a tricky balance. Anyway, before we could get into boundaries, he started saying how resentful he is that he can't just cut loose and enjoy it like he could before. I told him he could still but that it would be easier for me if I didn't have to smell it all the time (I still have a hard time with that sometimes.) Anyway, somehow we got into the whole deal-- the past 6 years and how I was... things I've done... I tried very hard to let him say his piece and just listen. After all, he's completely right. I listened to him talk about how he's resentful that just because I couldn't handle alcohol, things in his life have to change. Again, I still listened. He has a right to his feelings. The thing that really made things bad between us is when he started talking about how I should have prevented this whole thing and went on to talk about how in life there are "good choices" and "bad choices" and he tries to stay right in the middle and stay balanced... how he tries to head things off so they don't develop into problems. I explained how nobody starts off trying to be an alcoholic and that obviously if I had known where this all would go, I would have done things differently. He says we just have different philosophies about life.
What upsets me so much right now is that clearly he still thinks this is all in my control. He always talks about "willpower" and how when he makes his mind about something (like losing weight or whatever), he just does what it takes. He's very good at that, by the way. Now that I'm writing this I feel like I'm just being a whiny, overly sensitive little girl. But I feel so upset! Why do I? I understand that he doesn't have to understand this whole process for me to get better... why then did tonight take me so off guard?
I just feel sad because I honestly feel like my life is on the line here and he's talking about how he's bummed out that his life has to change a little. I feel very alone and hopeless. We've talked a little about the past before, but I guess this is the first time that I've truly felt all the weight of the things I've done and it's the first time that he has come right out and blamed me for how his life has turned out. Although I know it's true, it's a tough pill to swallow.
I think it would be different if he just didn't understand what it is to be addicted... if he knew it was serious even though he doesn't understand. What bothers me is that he thinks I'm weak because it's hard for me not to drink. He thinks I've been weak all these years because my drinking was out of control. That bothers me a lot.
I know tomorrow I'll be ok. I know that this depressed feeling will pass. But right now I feel like I've really f***ed up my husband's life. I've been a huge weight around his neck without contributing anything... I feel like a waste of space.
Anyway... I just wanted to send this out to my SR brothers and sisters so I feel a little less alone. Thanks for listening.

suki44883

You're not a waste of space and I can see how him coming home smelling of alcohol would be a problem. Have you considered going to counseling together? He has a lot of stuff he needs to get out about the past, and you have valid issues regarding what is happening now and how it could affect your sobriety. Maybe it can all be worked out to everyone's satisfaction, but everyone needs to be able to air out their grievances.

ReadyAndAble

I'm sure you're right, that this depression will pass. And I'm sure you're wrong about not contributing something. Your love him, right? That's contributing the most important thing. And I imagine you'll be able to contribute even more as you continue on your path.

aussieblue

Saphira, I am in the exact same place now . My husband said to me the other night that" if I hadn't been such a greedy pig and hiding booze to drink on the sly I would be enjoying a galss of wine with him now". I know I was doing the wrong thing but I dont need to have my face rubbed in it ,that dosen't help the situation either. I wish I could make him see that I was ill with alcaholism not just a greedy pig. How do you make people understand this disease. The depression will pass but in the mean time I hope things work out for you.

Dee74

It's sad when the ones we love the most just don't get it...my family still does not get it and has no wish to try....

but then thats why SR is here...we do get it and we do understand

I hope you feel better tomorrow Saphira

D

Hevyn

It would be nice if our loved ones would care enough to learn about alcoholism. I'm sure my family thinks of it as a character flaw that I could easily get rid of using willpower - and 'just say no'. At times I've tried to explain it to them - but I can almost see their eyes glazing over. They just don't get it, and until they open their minds a little they never will.

I'm glad you brought this up. I'd be feeling just like you are - there's nothing strange about your reaction. His attitude puts you on the defensive & is very damaging. The counseling idea of Suki's sounds like a good thing - this might be too complicated to handle without some professional help.

saphira

Thanks. Therapy of some kind might be an option... I can at least see if he'd be willing. It's such a hard thing. I was at peace with the idea that he would never truly understand what addiction is like but it's hard not to get upset when he acts like it should be the easiest thing in the world to deal with... It kind of makes me wonder how he really sees me as a person. Does he think I would voluntarily put myself and my family through what I did if I could help it? I don't know-- I guess I'm just wondering all kinds of things right now.

In any case, I really appreciate the support. and you're right Dee... That is what SR is for and I'm SO thankful I found this site! I'll focus on being grateful for that tonight.

saphira

I hope things get better for you too, aussieblue. I'm sad you're going through something similar, although it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Terminally Unique

Prove him wrong, then, and never drink again.

raindancer11

It takes a lot of strength to calmly ask to set boundaries after you've been triggered like that. This lack of control may appear as a weakness to people who don't understand but to accept that you can't control it and move forward like you are doing is anything but weak. Weak and strong are subjective. You can define what strong means to you. I'm just starting to work on building strength from within. It's hard because what people say can really affect how I see myself. But this is important, I feel. And I can only get there if I'm sober.

wellwisher

What happened to you reminds me of what a counselor, who was also a recovered alcoholic, said to me about situations where people like to bring up our past behaviors.

He told me to say something along the lines of, "Thank you for reminding me, but I don't do that anymore". It can be said kindly and without judgement, and for me, it carried a lot of weight.

I know one thing about sobriety - that the shame of past misdeeds fades proportionately with distance from your last drink and by living right today.

Today's a new day and yet another chance to live another "right" day.

Keep going and all my best....

coming_clean

you either got an addictive personality or you don't...

Some will never understand.

Hoooooray for SR then!

saphira

Thank you for the kind words. And you are right about what you said. The thing is, I don't feel weak at all! Infact, I feel the strongest I have in years because I'm doing something I didn't think I could do. I appreciate the thoughts and advice.
Luckily, it is a new morning and it looks like a beautiful day! While things still may not be good between my husband and me, I don't feel depressed anymore-- SR did it again!
One question still is lingering though... how do I handle this from here? Should I just let it go? Talking about it seems to always result in arguing somehow... yet I still feel hurt. Do I just suck it up as this is how it's going to be and I Just don't talk about my addiction with him? I feel a little stuck because I really don't want to play games by "sulking" or trying to get him to respond in a certain way (which, embarassingly, I have done in the pass). I also don't really feel like fighting anymore but I don't feel like I can just go back to normal. Thoughts? Advice?

wellwisher

It is probably not the time to pursue any discussion about recovery with a loved on the heels of an argument. Maybe better to just agree to disagree at this point. I'n not in your situation, and am expressing my opinion only.

You know what you know. He believes what he believes right now. I know from my own experience that I cannot change people's thoughts and beliefs.
And I know I certainly can't convince someone that I have changed and am doing things differently if I am lashing out in anger or from guilt.

Keep your side of the street clean and you'll have nothing to be guilty about.

The chance to discuss sobriety issues is when things are calm and when both parties are open to discussion. Methinks he may have become a little defensive and might have seen your request as blame-shifting, and he probably reacted to that gut feeling.

See how it goes tonight, and if you happen to walk in to a trigger situation, you can remove yourself from that situation.

Sobriety is about action; not words.

saphira

Exactly what I needed to hear well-wisher... Thank you!

Terminally Unique

I may have to try this myself next time instead of the usual.

Newtosoberlivin

I am sorry this is happening right now, it would be very hard for me too in your circumstances, and I totally 'get" how those who are NOT like us don't ever really get it, that it's not our choice to have this problem, we didn't ask for it and its been damaging to our lives.

I told my parents that this past weekend, when I met up to talk to them about it. My father actually said "you know my biggest regret? That I never took it seriously enough when I found out as a teenager you were raiding the home bar. I thought it was a phase and would pass, and I regret how wrong I was." I told him not to beat himself up, that some of us can handle it, and some of us cannot, but it doesn't make us or anyone else "defective."

Getting back to your situation, hang tough and keep doing what you are doing you are doing great!! I know it's hard, but it sounds like overall you two have a strong relationship and can get through this together.

I think counseling is a fabulous idea in this case. Sometimes it makes it much clearer and easier when there is a neutral third party who is not emotionally involved to provide some insight and guidance.

HUGS and best of luck!!

Anna

Saphira, I wanted things to go back to normal too, and briefly, I believed they would.

But, like you, I soon realized that it would never happen. I think my husband 'gets it' to some extent, but I honestly don't think anyone who hasn't been through addiction, can fully understand it. And, my husband doesn't want to talk about recovery at all, nor did he have any interest in seeking help for himself. To him, this was my problem alone, and I needed to fix it.

What I can tell you is that everything changes, everything - especially your closest relationships. That's not necessarily good or bad, it just is. I got to the point where I could clearly see that our relationship would not be the same. And, it sounds like you're at the point where you see that arguing, talking, pouting is not going to change anything.

But, you can stay sober and recover and be the best person that you can be.

saphira

So my final (hopefully) question about all of this is: Do I keep trying to explain how it feels to my husband (addiction I mean) and encourage him to research it and attend Al Anon or to read up on it? Or do I just somehow accept that he may never want to know about it? I guess I have a really hard time with this because if it were the other way around, I would want to know EXACTLY what he's going through. Ya know?

In fact, I just finished the book Under the Influence (thanks for the recommendation Dee--- loved it!) and I was so intrigued with all of the science behind addiction-- the physiological reasons for why I do the things I do. It made me feel better somehow; it gave me the validation that all of this stuff is definitely NOT all in my head. I asked him if he would read a couple of pages just so he could kind of understand the scientific part of it better and he told me he would but then never does. And one of the things he mentioned last night was that he was glad I got something out of the book but that I can't use science as an excuse for my behavior... that I was the one who let this problem "manifest".

Do I treat this as 100% my journey and not include him at all? Do I need to accept the fact that he may not care to find out more about this no matter how it affects me? If so, what would this mean for my marriage? I'm a full believer that we each have to work on ourselves and carve our own path through life-- I just don't know if I could stay with someone who has absolutely no interest in the biggest thing I've ever been through in life. It almost makes it worse that throughout all of this, he wasn't trying to be a jerk. This is how he honestly feels.

I know you guys don't know a lot about my marriage or anything and so cannot really offer much advice. But have any of you couples survived something like this without discussing it AT ALL? Maybe I'm expecting too much?

saphira

I responded again before the last two posts were up there, so that does give me some insight-- thank you Anna and newtosoberlivin.