neferkamichael

I'm 1 year 5 months 20 days sober today, and I rarely see my old drinking buddies. Actually, they dont mind me at all, hell thats jsut a 12 pack of beer(minimum), 5th of rum, bag of of weed, and a cookie more for them.

jocata

I'm glad you made it back fallow. Dee, thanks for that link to the paws article. I am going through that right now. It helps to have knowlegde about it, and things we can do to help us get through it.
I too have relapsed multiple times and could never, ever regain anything close to controlled drinking. It gets worse tenfold. This thread will probably save some from the agony of a relapse. I can only hope.
It took a lot of brass for you to share all of this fallow. May God be with you on your road to recovery.

Fallow

Thank you all for the helpful and kind posts. Im really at an emotionally unstable point right now. Woke up today in a full blown panic attack. I was having drunken dreams and didnt sleep well again. My house is just an overwhelming heap of chores hangin over my head and im irritated at my wife for her messiness again. Not trying to throw a pity party just wanting to express this somewhere before it explodes and im on the road back to the liquor store saying screw it. Im realizing that this is it...im either going to drink myself to death or somehow carve out an uncertain sober existence. This week has been excrutiating to say the least. I cant stop thinking about the abuses that happened to me as a child and how I became an addict at such a young age never knowing that my mind needed help and never finding real peace this past 20 years. I look at my daughter and how she instinctually is able to soothe herself and I know that this addiction has been one long excersize in trying to soothe myself. I went from thumb sucking, to pulling my hair out, to addiction. Yes I am going to do something different this time. I am starting therapy for addiction and my anxiety disorders. Im going to meetings starting today. Im reading rational recovery right now and will continue to read anything I can get my hands on that might help. Then theres this forum which I really appreciate and read everyday during my longest sober period.
Inca - you are right I do want this more than anything. I just need to not forget that.
Programmer - yes the relapse was all mental, the excuses were exactly that.
Dee - thanks for the laugh..a largeish hill sounds much better

Fallow

I wanted to respond to everone else directly but typing on my phone is a chore to say the least. KarrieJay thanks for the kind words I definitely need positivity in my life. Itchy, I hope someone out there avoids relapse after reading that my nightmares only got worse and recovery only became harder. I pray my story has a happy ending. Hevyn love ur post I am so tired of dancing with the devil. Daniel this time I will keep that in mind thank you. EJoshua thanks I need that hope. Phil as we know it can happen in the blink of an eye glad to see by your example that its not impossible. Keith unfortunately there are items so ugly in my fourth step I dont know if they can ever see the light of day...I hope my past demons do not continue to dictate my future. Maybe someone can tell me how to deal with this as the skeletons in my closet and an apprehensiveness to discuss them write them on paper or resolve them is a large hole in my sunken AA ship. Teresa I will read on PAWS again seems I had/have a real case on my hands. Soberlicious thanks for the welcome back I know death is not out of the question if I relapse again its a scary reality for me right now. Michael you are right it is definitely time to make new friends or enjoy being with family . Jocata thanks if I dont get this out I am a sitting duck. Off to a meeting now and feeling much better than when I woke up. Im gonna get this done for me and for my baby girl.

soberlicious

I think that your work with a therapist will be crucial here. I stated in another thread that I think that discussing these things with a sponsor or other lay person is not always the best avenue. I understand the need to keep the lid on the pandora's box of pain. Opening it even a crack can be...well, even the idea of that brings crippling fear for most in your shoes, fallow. That's why I personally think an experienced professional is the safest thing in situations like these. Intellectualizing that those demons are not in the "here and now" is certainly different than "knowing" it, if you know what I mean. A professional will help with this and the power the past holds will rightly be returned to you, where it belongs.

Itchy

Wow! Good move Fallow. You will make it beyond this now.

Fallow

Meeting was good today. Was nervous to walk in and own up to going back out but I felt welcomed immediately. Got some pelligrinos cranberry and lime to sip on tonight and feeling good right now.

CaiHong

Hi Fallow,

Glad you are back. Agree with Itchy these posts help me to stay sober. Fallow I think Soberlicious is right on the ball regarding your past. The issue is major and needs to be handled by a professional, someone who is trained in these issues.

Take the best of care.
CaiHong