LoftyIdeals

Day 18 for me. Here's how it works for me. I quit because I simply cannot function in life when drinking. So...a couple weeks goes by and I right the ship somewhat. Then, good things start happening. Business deals start to go favorably. Relationships calm down. Spirituality makes a comeback.

Then...it's the last day of summer before kids go back to school, after a long difficult summer. My deals are closing imminently. Life's good! Wouldn't this be a great time to celebrate? A warm night. Margaritas and beers on the deck? Lively conversation.

That, is what my alcoholic brain is telling me. And this is how it goes EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm in recovery...AA...therapy. Spending lots of time here.

What in the hell is wrong with me that I can't stand success!!!!!!

SASA

don't beat yourself up, I had the same problem. I solved it by telling me and convincing my brain that alcohol is a poison, so if you want to drink it is actually not rewarding you it is trying to kill you. after 6 month I think it is working 90% of the time

Dee74

I think you're like me Lofty...any reason, any excuse - good bad or indifferent...was enough for me to drink.

I still had those thoughts for a while...but I acted differently on them...and that made the difference.

Slowly but surely - they died

You're doing well, mate - stick with it!

D

MycoolFitz

Alcoholic brain, it's a persistent thing, harder to train than a hyperactive puppy, but with perserverance and time it can be made to heal. Keep with it, you're doing well.

Anna

I sabotaged myself for a long time too.

It was really hard for me to accept that I deserved a good life. Everybody does!

LoftyIdeals

Thanks, all. I didn't drink, as much as it was calling me. Instead, I took my family to the buffalo wild wings, which normally went well with beer, but went with Mello Yello tonight instead. I was just recognizing that good reward/excuse moment that has been my bane for decades. When I feel better/normal, I start thinking I can act like a normal person. But, had I caved, I guarantee tomorrow would not look like the success I'm feeling today. It seems like I'm wanting to hit the ATM before the check is deposited, if that makes any sense. I need to learn that I can't hit the ATM at all; rather I need to keep depositing the checks.

Peter G

Has nothing to do with you or your tolerance for success. Thing is, it took more than 18 days to get your drinking and yourself to such a sorry state, and it's gonna take more than 18 to get it out of your system. Let's face it, you're no longer giving your body and mind what it has come to expect regularly for years. When they don't acquire this chemical dependence they immediately ally with your alcoholism to cause all sorts of grief, deceit, manipulation, and craving. That's why early on us alcoholics often feel alone and with no friends while in the fight of our lives. Hell, when even your body and mind is working with your dis-ease and against your own better judgment, it gets pretty frikin tricky.

The part I highlighted from your post? Mark that as the first shell alcoholism has shot across the bow of your newly righted ship. It is not the best gun it has available to lob at you either. Just a warning shot, so prepare for more and in greater numbers. In my early recovery there were shots coming at my sobriety ship from every angle at some points. There will be more for you too. In a manner of speaking, at the initial stages of recovery you really are battling yourself more than the disease, because you have to gain enough time to convince your body and mind to come back over to your side and stop being double agents for the enemy. Once you have managed this, the alcoholism loses a very big advantage in this fight, and the worm usually turns in your favor.

The noise and the explosions get less and less with each day you beat this dis-ease back and win. In the meantime be on the lookout, and keep your ship's "early warning systems" on high alert.

LOL, as you can see this is a great analogy for me (my favorite uncle was an Admiral in the Navy).

Congrats on 18 days. No small feat for us booze hounds.

LoftyIdeals

Binderdd...thanks for the insights. I will batten the hatches! Day 19 and feeling better about my battle this am. Thx for the support. I will raise my sonar sensitivity!

SindyLuhu

I give you a ton of credit going to bw3 and having a mello yello. Bw3 used to be a regular fri nite dinner for me...great place to eat with the kids and drink a nice tall Dortmunder! I cannot go there anymore ...not yet at least. I do take out. Keep up the fight!

withdrawing

It might not work for everyone but non-alc beer works for me in those situations. I just like the taste of beer when it goes well with certain foods. When me and a friend of mine play pool at a place where we used to drink, he orders a real beer and I get a non-alc beer. I have absolutely NO problems with this at all. It has never once made me desire a real beer. Many restaurants carry non-alc beer. I don't get it that often but a non-alc beer every now and then works for me.

1undone

I so know what you are talking about. It's the good times that are the hardest for me! It seemed like there was always a reason to celebrate when I was drinking. It's madness! LOL

Dee74

I think this would be very bad advice for someone like me.

If I was hanging out with old friends, in places I used to hang out in where they serve alcohol, and drinking something that looked like beer and tasted like beer - the result would be inevitable.

D

withdrawing

Yeah, like I said. I'm sure that woudln't work for everyone. I must be lucky because it works for me.

LoftyIdeals

Thanks W/drawing and Dee. I have alcoholics in the family who have started drinking na beer and wine and are now back in full blown alcoholism. I have tried it before, but my thought is what's the point? I enjoy other flavors, like root beer, etc., much more. For me, I still took communion at church a couple weeks ago, and felt a burning in my head after that thimble of wine! So, I take the grape juice now. That said, the .05% alcohol in na drinks would like affect me too. I think I'm hypersensitive to mind altering substances of any kind.

BW3 was my way of acting out. Yes, that is where I'd go for wings and beers...many tall beers. Usually, we'd stay for extra beers while the kids were begging to go home.
Anyway, I needed a rebel act yesterday, so I went to the old haunt, but didn't drink. My wife did. Fortunately, during the dinner hour, I saw as many waters and sodas on tables as beers. I felt fine about my Mello Yello choice. Plus, I won a game of trivia!

I'm thinking that a sponsor will be very helpful to me now.

Itchy

Amen!
I hated that alcohol free stuff when I was drinking and could have a real one. I tried them a few times when I was going to drive. Error! If I hated them when I could drink, and threw it out and ordered a real one, why would I want to drink that nasty stuff now? Hey if it works for another great! But why would I want a placeholder for alcohol in my life. It was hard enough to get the real thing out of it. Of course I was never a bar person or a closet drunk. Nor did I drink and drive. So I am not missing anything social or anti social.

withdrawing

Pretty much the only time I will have a non-alc beer is out somewhere when it goes well with the food I'm eating. I really do not like soft drinks at all. The only other choice would be tea or water. I really like water too but a non-alc beer every now and then works for me. I can't feel the .5 alc at all. I mean not even one tiny bit. I'm 6 foot and 185 pounds. Maybe it would affect someone smaller I don't know. Doesn't ever make me want a real one because I know what comes with alcohol and what it did to my blood sugar and GABA receptors. Never again.

Peter G

Mate, I'm seriously not trying to antagonize you here, only saying this in the hopes it may help and that you may take my experience with this rotten disease for what it's worth... and also because I remember your story from previous posts.

Here's the thing, you have exactly how many sober days now, 20? Can't recall exactly but I know it hasn't been that long since you quit, and you still suffer the pain of withdrawal. On the times when I started suffering horrid withdrawal for extended periods I was 43 (slightly older than you are now) and I had been drinking a helluva lot of booze for a helluva long time to cause such withdrawal pain.

At any rate I'm quite positive the judgment on what works and what doesn't work - as applied to the techniques for staying sober - isn't a list you should be compiling just yet. Hell, it was an entire year of sobriety before I trusted myself to make 1 decision on what (I thought) worked for me, and at a year and 6 weeks I was proven exactly wrong by a costly relapse. Point is this; don't underestimate the problem you have, or it's capacity to tank your best efforts and intentions. Quitting for us is no small thing.

Like I said, just MHO, if it will work for you then good on ya. Having said that my advice is that you seriously consider not repeating that activity for quite a while. Take that as coming from a fellow booze hound that has some time under his belt and knows how quickly and easily a relapse can manifest. I would be remiss not to at least suggest - considering how sick booze has made you lately - you take a real good, long and critical look at that whole "out at the same bars, drinking wannabe beers with the same drinking buddies" thing, as it applies to your long term sobriety goals.

"Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster; and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you." nietzsche

Zebra1275

If you are in AA, pick up the pace of you meetings. I increase the number of meetings I go to when I expect times might be tough, like over the Christmas Holidays.

withdrawing

Ok Binderdonedat, I believe that I will take your advice. I have tried a couple of times drinking the non-alc beer and it didn't make me want a real one but maybe you are right and I shouldn't even be doing that right now. I really don't want to mess up anything right now so maybe I will hold off on the non-alc beer at restaurants. I appreciate the advice.

bennybored

LoftyIdeas I feel the exact same. I was doing good at 12 days and feeling better and then thought I could just have a beer for celebration. Since then I have been drinking consistantly