i feel horrible and ashamed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
i feel horrible and ashamed
i guess i should post here in newcomers, since i'm only 6 days sober.
i'm on the heels of a blackout episode where i spewed venom out toward my loved one and did extreme damage to the relationship, which was literally the best it had been in many months, maybe years, when i screwed it up. that's the craziest part, and probably what i ought to explore, i guess.
i sabotaged my happiness by binge drinking into an oblivion blackout during which i was a horrible evil human being and hurt someone i love and care about. I'm terrified of a lacking forgiveness, because I don't even know how to forgive myself.
Today is day 6 - so far one of the hardest, but thankfully i am still meeting obligations like work and bills. I've cleaned my home, taken little steps, but am full of so much remorse, I feel paralyzed.
i am aiming for a complete state of surrender.
I miss my boyfriend very much, and am aware he needs his space. I feel so horrible and ashamed.
i'm on the heels of a blackout episode where i spewed venom out toward my loved one and did extreme damage to the relationship, which was literally the best it had been in many months, maybe years, when i screwed it up. that's the craziest part, and probably what i ought to explore, i guess.
i sabotaged my happiness by binge drinking into an oblivion blackout during which i was a horrible evil human being and hurt someone i love and care about. I'm terrified of a lacking forgiveness, because I don't even know how to forgive myself.
Today is day 6 - so far one of the hardest, but thankfully i am still meeting obligations like work and bills. I've cleaned my home, taken little steps, but am full of so much remorse, I feel paralyzed.
i am aiming for a complete state of surrender.
I miss my boyfriend very much, and am aware he needs his space. I feel so horrible and ashamed.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I'm sorry for your situation OS
I did post to you in one of your other threads but this gives more detail to what happened.
I've ruined more than one relationship from drinking...it's a dreadful feeling to hurt those you love.
I've found out tho - and I know it's hard - but you need to let it go, if just for now.
You can't change the past. You can't control whatever your partner is feeling or thinking, and you can't decide for him what he should do.
Hopefully, if the relationship is strong enough it will endure
Our part in all this I think is to stay sober - that way we give ourselves the very best chance of being the person and the partner we want to be
Focus on yourself for now - focus on staying sober...it's the very best thing you can do in response
D
I did post to you in one of your other threads but this gives more detail to what happened.
I've ruined more than one relationship from drinking...it's a dreadful feeling to hurt those you love.
I've found out tho - and I know it's hard - but you need to let it go, if just for now.
You can't change the past. You can't control whatever your partner is feeling or thinking, and you can't decide for him what he should do.
Hopefully, if the relationship is strong enough it will endure
Our part in all this I think is to stay sober - that way we give ourselves the very best chance of being the person and the partner we want to be
Focus on yourself for now - focus on staying sober...it's the very best thing you can do in response
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 91
babydoll, let me just tell you that everything could still be ok.
i had turned into a raging pillhead and i was a horrific blackout drinker. when i first started dating my man, he told me after our first date that he couldnt date me if i couldnt stop the pills.so i said i would, believing it in my heart. i made it a month and used again and from that point on i lied to him, sometimes told him, and continued to hurt him time after time. i put him through so much that i want to cry writing this because i have so much guilt about it even though we're past it now. things started to fall apart real quick - memorial day weekend i got wasted, high, and drove away bc i knew my parents were coming to get me bc i was threatening suicide. i dont remember if i told my bf that and he called them, if i called them, i have no clue. anyway, i was hospitalized, and i did not see him for a week. he wouldnt come see me, we barely spoke - he needed his space. i knew he loved me, he cried on the phone to my mom about how scared he was for me. but he needed to be away from me. then, the next weekend, i went out and blacked out again, took ecstasy, and called him in hysterics probably literally 100 times until he woke up and drove over an hour to come pack my bags and take me with him (he lives a state away). he let me stay with him for a week while my parents were gone, and he took such good care of me. when they g ot back in town, i moved back in with them. i didnt see my bf or barely even talk to him for about 2 weeks. i gave him space even though it KILLED me.
and then when i did see him, things felt better. he had time to separate from the situation, i had some time to start going to meetings and making active steps towards my recovery. from there, he went to my therapist with me and we talked about some things. he also went to an aa meeting with me, where i did share about our relationship and how i hurt him and the guilt and lies and all that.
it took some time, it really did, but now we are together and better than ever. he is so incredibly supportive of me and my sobriety and i could not ask for a better man in my life. i dont have the words to thank him every day for being there for me and for loving me in spite of the things i said and did. even to this day, sometimes i say HORRIBLE things to him. a week ago we were arguing and i threw in his face that i wanted to go drink, and it was his fault, and wouldnt he feel bad then? i mean, that's an awful thing to say to someone.
the point of my story is that with some space and time, things could still work out in ways that you'd never imagine. i don't tell you my story to brag, i'm telling you because i hope to give you some hope. you can tell him you feel horrible and ashamed, and you can apologize - but what you need to do is take action. actions speak louder than words, right? SHOW him that you're going to change. and do it for you, not him.. you're changing because you dont want this for your life - but you do want him in your life, so working on you is going to benefit the relationship.
best of luck to you, and congratulations on 6 days! one more and it'll be a week
(not that i want to make you feel bad or guilty or anything, i just have to add this - as much as proactive work will speak to the people in your life, going back to drink or use because youre depressed or things DON'T work out the way you'd like is going to speak volumes, too. use that as your motivation if you have to. things CAN get worse, and i know you don't want that.)
i had turned into a raging pillhead and i was a horrific blackout drinker. when i first started dating my man, he told me after our first date that he couldnt date me if i couldnt stop the pills.so i said i would, believing it in my heart. i made it a month and used again and from that point on i lied to him, sometimes told him, and continued to hurt him time after time. i put him through so much that i want to cry writing this because i have so much guilt about it even though we're past it now. things started to fall apart real quick - memorial day weekend i got wasted, high, and drove away bc i knew my parents were coming to get me bc i was threatening suicide. i dont remember if i told my bf that and he called them, if i called them, i have no clue. anyway, i was hospitalized, and i did not see him for a week. he wouldnt come see me, we barely spoke - he needed his space. i knew he loved me, he cried on the phone to my mom about how scared he was for me. but he needed to be away from me. then, the next weekend, i went out and blacked out again, took ecstasy, and called him in hysterics probably literally 100 times until he woke up and drove over an hour to come pack my bags and take me with him (he lives a state away). he let me stay with him for a week while my parents were gone, and he took such good care of me. when they g ot back in town, i moved back in with them. i didnt see my bf or barely even talk to him for about 2 weeks. i gave him space even though it KILLED me.
and then when i did see him, things felt better. he had time to separate from the situation, i had some time to start going to meetings and making active steps towards my recovery. from there, he went to my therapist with me and we talked about some things. he also went to an aa meeting with me, where i did share about our relationship and how i hurt him and the guilt and lies and all that.
it took some time, it really did, but now we are together and better than ever. he is so incredibly supportive of me and my sobriety and i could not ask for a better man in my life. i dont have the words to thank him every day for being there for me and for loving me in spite of the things i said and did. even to this day, sometimes i say HORRIBLE things to him. a week ago we were arguing and i threw in his face that i wanted to go drink, and it was his fault, and wouldnt he feel bad then? i mean, that's an awful thing to say to someone.
the point of my story is that with some space and time, things could still work out in ways that you'd never imagine. i don't tell you my story to brag, i'm telling you because i hope to give you some hope. you can tell him you feel horrible and ashamed, and you can apologize - but what you need to do is take action. actions speak louder than words, right? SHOW him that you're going to change. and do it for you, not him.. you're changing because you dont want this for your life - but you do want him in your life, so working on you is going to benefit the relationship.
best of luck to you, and congratulations on 6 days! one more and it'll be a week
(not that i want to make you feel bad or guilty or anything, i just have to add this - as much as proactive work will speak to the people in your life, going back to drink or use because youre depressed or things DON'T work out the way you'd like is going to speak volumes, too. use that as your motivation if you have to. things CAN get worse, and i know you don't want that.)
heartofamama
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 70
we're all disgusting somehow dear lady,
especially those who deny it(just haven't seen themselves).
now it's very scary to be burdened by guilt & many have ended their own lives over it.
so take your thoughts OFF yourself, & put them onto God's Love 4 u.
it's going 2 save your life dear lady, to reach out to the all-powerful, perfect God--
Who Loves us in spite of ourselves.
tell Him your troubles, even though He already knows.
His heart longs to have u come 2 Him for rescue.
God is the only real Hero, please starve your soul no longer friend, Amen
especially those who deny it(just haven't seen themselves).
now it's very scary to be burdened by guilt & many have ended their own lives over it.
so take your thoughts OFF yourself, & put them onto God's Love 4 u.
it's going 2 save your life dear lady, to reach out to the all-powerful, perfect God--
Who Loves us in spite of ourselves.
tell Him your troubles, even though He already knows.
His heart longs to have u come 2 Him for rescue.
God is the only real Hero, please starve your soul no longer friend, Amen
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Hi Oceansize -
Sorry that you are feeling so bad. I don't really have any advice to give you, but I do know what it's like to say dumb and hurtful things when drunk that you regret later. That's a terrible feeling, that shame.
But you are moving forward, which is good. You will feel better, too, it just takes time.
Sorry that you are feeling so bad. I don't really have any advice to give you, but I do know what it's like to say dumb and hurtful things when drunk that you regret later. That's a terrible feeling, that shame.
But you are moving forward, which is good. You will feel better, too, it just takes time.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry for your situation OS
I did post to you in one of your other threads but this gives more detail to what happened.
I've ruined more than one relationship from drinking...it's a dreadful feeling to hurt those you love.
I've found out tho - and I know it's hard - but you need to let it go, if just for now.
You can't change the past. You can't control whatever your partner is feeling or thinking, and you can't decide for him what he should do.
Hopefully, if the relationship is strong enough it will endure
Our part in all this I think is to stay sober - that way we give ourselves the very best chance of being the person and the partner we want to be
Focus on yourself for now - focus on staying sober...it's the very best thing you can do in response
D
I did post to you in one of your other threads but this gives more detail to what happened.
I've ruined more than one relationship from drinking...it's a dreadful feeling to hurt those you love.
I've found out tho - and I know it's hard - but you need to let it go, if just for now.
You can't change the past. You can't control whatever your partner is feeling or thinking, and you can't decide for him what he should do.
Hopefully, if the relationship is strong enough it will endure
Our part in all this I think is to stay sober - that way we give ourselves the very best chance of being the person and the partner we want to be
Focus on yourself for now - focus on staying sober...it's the very best thing you can do in response
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
First of all, I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. I think we've all done and said hurtful things to our loved ones on here. I know I have. I have an amazing husband and before I quit drinking I basically verbally abused him for 6 years. For a few of those years, I would black out on a nightly basis and there was ALWAYS a blow up where I was telling him how horrible he was-- crappy father, horrible husband, horrible in bed, that he was the reason I wanted to kill myself-- the list goes on. And not one of those things is even remotely close to true. I put him through so much through the years and he was actually probably too quick to forgive me. I am still working through the guilt of everything I did to him. The good news is that we are still married (and happily I might add!) I know for him it was really important that he see I'm headed in the right direction. He didn't expect a miracle right away... he just said that he wanted to see me improve the situation. Quitting drinking has been the best thing I could have ever done for my marriage. Just the other night my husband told me that it was nice to have me back-- that for all of those years it felt like he was married to someone else.
Just work on yourself and you never know what could happen!
Just work on yourself and you never know what could happen!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome back, OceanBlue- and congrats on your 6 days....
When I was drinking, I worked very hard on looking like I was sober and only got wasted when my kids weren't around. Still, there were times, even after I'd had just a couple drinks, that they would ask me "have you been drinking?" My personality was different.
The good news is that removing the alcohol works wonders...... Take it one day at a time and be patient with yourself. It will get better.....:ghug3
When I was drinking, I worked very hard on looking like I was sober and only got wasted when my kids weren't around. Still, there were times, even after I'd had just a couple drinks, that they would ask me "have you been drinking?" My personality was different.
The good news is that removing the alcohol works wonders...... Take it one day at a time and be patient with yourself. It will get better.....:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA.
Posts: 123
OceanSize, I know how you feel. Twelve days ago, I drank until blackout and said some very cruel, unjustified things to my wife. She tells me that 50% of the time when I am drinking that I am verbally abusive towards her for no reason at all. Like you, I feel guilty and ashamed of my actions. I vowed to get help for my drinking problem and have not touched alcohol, or any other mind altering substances in twelve days. I have been posting here and have also been attending AA meetings regularly. It is really helping me a lot and my wife tells me that she likes the sober me much better (go figure). This is my primary motivation to remain sober. I am sick of hurting the ones I love the most just so I can catch a buzz and act like a jerk. It is going to take time to heal the damage I have caused in our relationship, but through sobriety and my current actions I am hoping that I can slowly mend our relationship. The best thing you can do is remain sober. Congratulations on six days! You are not alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
OceanSize - I'm glad you came here to discuss this. I hope you'll stop feeling ashamed - you have a disease, and you're trying to get well. You can and will get over this hurdle, and be even more determined after what happened.
I am a kind and loving person - but when I drink I truly turn into my evil twin. I've said and done things I can hardly believe I'm capable of. That's what the poison does to us. It needs to be banished from your life, and you can do it!
I am a kind and loving person - but when I drink I truly turn into my evil twin. I've said and done things I can hardly believe I'm capable of. That's what the poison does to us. It needs to be banished from your life, and you can do it!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
OceanSize,
I do understand the shame and guilt that you feel.
But, don't let those feelings stand in the way of you getting well.
You need to end the cycle and take a step towards recovery.
I do understand the shame and guilt that you feel.
But, don't let those feelings stand in the way of you getting well.
You need to end the cycle and take a step towards recovery.
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