I need help
Eyes Open, No Fear
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 287
Paper dolls - I had my first baby at 36 and my second at 39. All was well and we are all doing awesome. Congrats on your pregnancy! Babies are always a good thing. You will be ok.
My husband ran into issues regarding child support very early in our relationship too. Fortunately no warrants but we did have to deal with garnishee orders etc. I cannot stress how important it is for you guys to deal with that issue. It will most certainly come back and haunt you if you don't. It may seem completely overwhelming to come up with that much money but arrangements can be made and it can be done. It was, for me, one of the 'requirements' that needed to be fulfilled before we would have any kids together. People ask me sometimes, but isn't that a lot of money you keep paying and it doesn't benefit your own family at all? The truth is I knew he had responsibilities before we got married and I wouldn't expect him to do anything but honor them.
I hope you figure all this out soon - and remember this was a super tough situation and you got through it!
My husband ran into issues regarding child support very early in our relationship too. Fortunately no warrants but we did have to deal with garnishee orders etc. I cannot stress how important it is for you guys to deal with that issue. It will most certainly come back and haunt you if you don't. It may seem completely overwhelming to come up with that much money but arrangements can be made and it can be done. It was, for me, one of the 'requirements' that needed to be fulfilled before we would have any kids together. People ask me sometimes, but isn't that a lot of money you keep paying and it doesn't benefit your own family at all? The truth is I knew he had responsibilities before we got married and I wouldn't expect him to do anything but honor them.
I hope you figure all this out soon - and remember this was a super tough situation and you got through it!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Originally Posted by PaperDolls 
Shoooot Dee, I wish I was young. 
Really.
Really.
Who has their first baby at 36?
I know you'll be a great mom tho
D
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
We've got a hearing today. It's very possible they'll scoop him up and take him to jail ... 3 hours away. Ugh.
Please say a prayer for him ..... and us.
He's got a lawyer on his side this time so hopefully that will help.
He truly wants to finish his education so that he can provide for his son and take on the responsibilities he should have in the past.
I'm so scared.
Been praying a lot. Mostly the serenity prayer because when I use my own words I'm asking for my will. I'm trying not too.
If they do take him to jail, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what the next step will be.
Please say a prayer.
Please say a prayer for him ..... and us.
He's got a lawyer on his side this time so hopefully that will help.
He truly wants to finish his education so that he can provide for his son and take on the responsibilities he should have in the past.
I'm so scared.
Been praying a lot. Mostly the serenity prayer because when I use my own words I'm asking for my will. I'm trying not too.
If they do take him to jail, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what the next step will be.
Please say a prayer.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
Who has their first baby at 36?
You'll do great
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
So, we've got a long road ahead of us, with lawyers and judges and who knows what else. Money will be tight, real tight. I'm sort of stressing that a bit. Most of my clothes are already very tight. Not sure how I'll afford new stuff.
The pregnancy .... it's very early so anything can happen. I'm not telling many people, just family and close friends for now. Seeing the OB next Monday. We're both very excited and a bit scared but we know we can do it. It will all work out somehow.
The pregnancy .... it's very early so anything can happen. I'm not telling many people, just family and close friends for now. Seeing the OB next Monday. We're both very excited and a bit scared but we know we can do it. It will all work out somehow.
Second, and something it seems you both are facing right now, the courts don't care about good intentions, only action. I have a 21 year old son whose biological father still owes more than $60,000 in back child support. Yes, I get a payment every month. It doesn't go away. I also raised the two sons of my daughter's father, and he refused to ask his ex-wife for support. It was very, very difficult for us to make ends meet at times. No matter what current and future responsibilities your fiance may have, his first financial responsibility is to his son. That's life on life's -- and the court's -- terms.
I'm assuming with this child support hanging over his head, your pregnancy falls under "pleasant surprise" rather than a thought out decision. It happens. I'm very grateful for the two pleasant surprises I've experienced and seen through to adulthood. I spent half their childhoods (and in my son's case, a little more than half) drinking and using, though I was abstinent during my pregnancies. I can't change any of that, and I focus on giving them my best today rather than lamenting my past mistakes. You, on the other hand, have your sobriety now and know you don't have to do this alone -- so I urge you to keep sobriety first. You'll encounter all sorts of distractions, many of them quite positive. Remember, please, where your joy comes from. I just put my "baby girl" on the school bus this morning -- first day of her senior year. She was nine when I got sober, so it's been half her life ago that she last saw me drunk or high. I have four children now -- I gained two more sons when I married a widower. If I put my sobriety first, none of their children ever have to experience what my daughter and my youngest son did.
Lecture over
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Thanks Sug.
The pregnancy is a "pleasant surprise". Not very timely but is it ever?
I get the good intentions vs. action. I just don't get how spending time in jail helps anyone. He's already spent 1 year so far.
I'm begging to really freak myself out. I don't know what to expect today. I keep picturing him getting hauled off. I've left a message for my sponsor and also for the atty. to let me know what to expect today.
Trying to keep myself busy.
I should probably call a sponsee and get out of myself.
I'll check on WIC. Not sure where to look for help with maternity clothes. I did send an email to a local church I've attended a few times. That was Friday, haven't heard back yet.
I'm afraid my income is too much for a lot of assistance. It's true I have a decent paying job. It pays the bills but leaves very little left for groceries and gas and any extras.
The pregnancy is a "pleasant surprise". Not very timely but is it ever?
I get the good intentions vs. action. I just don't get how spending time in jail helps anyone. He's already spent 1 year so far.
I'm begging to really freak myself out. I don't know what to expect today. I keep picturing him getting hauled off. I've left a message for my sponsor and also for the atty. to let me know what to expect today.
Trying to keep myself busy.
I should probably call a sponsee and get out of myself.
I'll check on WIC. Not sure where to look for help with maternity clothes. I did send an email to a local church I've attended a few times. That was Friday, haven't heard back yet.
I'm afraid my income is too much for a lot of assistance. It's true I have a decent paying job. It pays the bills but leaves very little left for groceries and gas and any extras.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Check with Catholic Charities and the Salvation Army. Neither care what your religious affiliation is, and I know CC takes into consideration your expenses, not just your income. When I first got sober and was raising my two kids on disability, they helped me with money for heating fuel and electricity. It was also a CC-sponsored thrift shop that enabled me to get most of a back-to-work wardrobe for about $10 ($5 a bag, and those ladies, when they learned I was returning to work, gave me the biggest bags they had!).
If you feel uncomfortable at all about accepting the help, remember this: you can always pay it back. When I clean out my closets today, or come across yet another box of my kids' old toys, I take what we don't need anymore to either the women's shelter or the thrift shop (both sponsored by Catholic Charities). I don't pass a Salvation Army kettle at Christmas without putting something in it, even if it's just a quarter. Sometimes, we give, and sometimes we receive -- and allowing someone else to give to us can be a gift to them.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
If you feel uncomfortable at all about accepting the help, remember this: you can always pay it back. When I clean out my closets today, or come across yet another box of my kids' old toys, I take what we don't need anymore to either the women's shelter or the thrift shop (both sponsored by Catholic Charities). I don't pass a Salvation Army kettle at Christmas without putting something in it, even if it's just a quarter. Sometimes, we give, and sometimes we receive -- and allowing someone else to give to us can be a gift to them.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
It will work out the way it is supposed to work out Paper Dolls.
My experience has been that life (or HP in my case) has a funny way of putting things in front of me that is the next thing on my list that needs to be addressed and resolved.
We know we have to make amends and be fully responsible for what we created in the past. Once we get sober, we put our foot on the path and try to do the next best thing. If he is anything like me, there was a pretty big pile of crap to clean up. My experience has been that life (or HP in my case) has a funny way of putting things in front of me that is the next best thing on my list that needs to be addressed and resolve.
When life (HP) forced me off MY plans, I wasn't always happy about it, but in retrospect it was sometimes the best means to resolution. I had a bit of trouble prioritizing, if you know what I mean.
To keep it in perspective, as hard as you are praying that your fiance is given a reprieve, there is another probably praying just as hard that his child support payments resume. He is a father; he is responsible; he has moved on with his life; but he is not released of his responsibility. This cuts both ways - if the father is the custodial parent, then Mom has to kick up her share, too. Somewhere out there there is a Mom with custody of a child that may very well like to pursue an education so that she may be better able to care for her child; but she has full custody and no support from the father.
I don't know the history, but it often happens that such drastic measures are taken after repeated attempts are made to get the order satisfied. In NYS, they garnish wages, pull drivers licenses, etc, and executing a warrant is usually an area of last resort. If NYS can't get your attention, they pull out the big stick.
They now have his attention. Best to take care of it.
All my best to you. It will work out the way it is supposed to work out.
My experience has been that life (or HP in my case) has a funny way of putting things in front of me that is the next thing on my list that needs to be addressed and resolved.
We know we have to make amends and be fully responsible for what we created in the past. Once we get sober, we put our foot on the path and try to do the next best thing. If he is anything like me, there was a pretty big pile of crap to clean up. My experience has been that life (or HP in my case) has a funny way of putting things in front of me that is the next best thing on my list that needs to be addressed and resolve.
When life (HP) forced me off MY plans, I wasn't always happy about it, but in retrospect it was sometimes the best means to resolution. I had a bit of trouble prioritizing, if you know what I mean.
To keep it in perspective, as hard as you are praying that your fiance is given a reprieve, there is another probably praying just as hard that his child support payments resume. He is a father; he is responsible; he has moved on with his life; but he is not released of his responsibility. This cuts both ways - if the father is the custodial parent, then Mom has to kick up her share, too. Somewhere out there there is a Mom with custody of a child that may very well like to pursue an education so that she may be better able to care for her child; but she has full custody and no support from the father.
I don't know the history, but it often happens that such drastic measures are taken after repeated attempts are made to get the order satisfied. In NYS, they garnish wages, pull drivers licenses, etc, and executing a warrant is usually an area of last resort. If NYS can't get your attention, they pull out the big stick.
They now have his attention. Best to take care of it.
All my best to you. It will work out the way it is supposed to work out.
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