I'm Alive - Who Would Have Thought?
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Posts: 7,612
I'm Alive - Who Would Have Thought?
I Am Alive – Who Would Have Thought?
I come here to speak only of Gratitude of a new life that I’ve been able to find through doing the things that have been asked of me. I come here never thinking that a Junkie like myself would be able to have another Chance at Recovery.
Almost 2 1/2 years ago when my Sister Marie Died in February, I thought my life had ended. It was me that was suppose to die, not her. I didn’t understand how someones health could just go so so fast. I still have no understanding. She died in February like I said, I knew I was on the verge of breaking. I was making music videos and I never realized until later how I could see myself in those Videos asking for help. Knowing that I was about to try it all again, to cover the pain of her death.
In May of 2009 I think it was
I walked down a few blocks to Casey’s Convenient Store to buy just one 6 pack of bud Bottles. I walked back home and I sat there. I even took a picture of me drinking the first drink. I had no clue what was in store for me at the time. As the night went on, and from another picture of 4 beer bottles stacked on my entertainment center top in a pyramid fashion (which I don’t remember) I had already lost of my mental facilities that I had acquired. I had just given up 26 or 28 months of continuous sobriety.
I don’t remember much of that at all, all I remember is that I was already up for days, shooting dope into my veins. I don’t even remember still to this day going and scoring it, or where I would have even been able to get it….What how could this have happened to me. Or did I already relapse in Lincoln Nebraska where I remember trying to get high but I didn’t?
I was on a roll, a roll of the life that I remember telling a friend (girl) that I just wanted to be able to use this summer, live the life that I like and than sober up. God can take me than.
Well that summer came and went. And the fall and the winter came again after that. Another summer? WTF! I was trapped. I had no way out. What was it going to take. Than I was using with my kids! OMG this has to stop! But how, I have tried to stop, I can’t.
August 18, 2010 using only pot to kill the pain that I live with daily. Off of meth now, but I can’t use pot anymore no matter how painful my body is. Tempting to use, but just hanging on.
I was told to do a timeline of my using. I remember looking at the instructions sitting on my table during the summer of 2010 saying whatever, how can this help. Well one day, I was looking at it, and I picked it up, with a pen in my hand and started to write it out.
When I used, what I used, and the consequence of the use. I could than see how it just kept getting worse and worse. I had no where left to go but up. I had to stop.
I don’t have a lot of meetings, not physically able to go. So I continue to do the Internet websites, trying to be there for others, trying to be of service to others, trying to learn how to live from the people who I can have contact with even though I don’t see or talk to them? Is it possible….
Attitude up and down like a roller coaster from hell…deleting sites on purpose sometimes when I would just get so mad. Than I thought maybe I should get back on my medication that I am suppose to be on for my depression. I did not wanting to but I did. Than I heard from a good friend on line that she was going to do her meditations each morning before she got on the computer. I thought to myself, yeah what a brilliant idea! So I started that next morning to do what she said she was doing.
Still to this day, I have my coffee, cigarettes, and my “Personal Time” with my HP whomever it is I don’t try and analyze anymore, I just accept that there is some force that is within me for the good. I have ruined many relationships this time around, I have asked for forgiveness and just try and not repeat the same things again.
I wouldn’t trade it for anything today. My life today is something that I just keep being more amazed with each and everyday. My health, I don’t talk much about anymore, I am just very blessed to be alive. I”M ALIVE AND I AM A JUNKIE!
Thanks for allowing me to share!
I come here to speak only of Gratitude of a new life that I’ve been able to find through doing the things that have been asked of me. I come here never thinking that a Junkie like myself would be able to have another Chance at Recovery.
Almost 2 1/2 years ago when my Sister Marie Died in February, I thought my life had ended. It was me that was suppose to die, not her. I didn’t understand how someones health could just go so so fast. I still have no understanding. She died in February like I said, I knew I was on the verge of breaking. I was making music videos and I never realized until later how I could see myself in those Videos asking for help. Knowing that I was about to try it all again, to cover the pain of her death.
In May of 2009 I think it was
I walked down a few blocks to Casey’s Convenient Store to buy just one 6 pack of bud Bottles. I walked back home and I sat there. I even took a picture of me drinking the first drink. I had no clue what was in store for me at the time. As the night went on, and from another picture of 4 beer bottles stacked on my entertainment center top in a pyramid fashion (which I don’t remember) I had already lost of my mental facilities that I had acquired. I had just given up 26 or 28 months of continuous sobriety.I don’t remember much of that at all, all I remember is that I was already up for days, shooting dope into my veins. I don’t even remember still to this day going and scoring it, or where I would have even been able to get it….What how could this have happened to me. Or did I already relapse in Lincoln Nebraska where I remember trying to get high but I didn’t?
I was on a roll, a roll of the life that I remember telling a friend (girl) that I just wanted to be able to use this summer, live the life that I like and than sober up. God can take me than.
Well that summer came and went. And the fall and the winter came again after that. Another summer? WTF! I was trapped. I had no way out. What was it going to take. Than I was using with my kids! OMG this has to stop! But how, I have tried to stop, I can’t.
August 18, 2010 using only pot to kill the pain that I live with daily. Off of meth now, but I can’t use pot anymore no matter how painful my body is. Tempting to use, but just hanging on.
I was told to do a timeline of my using. I remember looking at the instructions sitting on my table during the summer of 2010 saying whatever, how can this help. Well one day, I was looking at it, and I picked it up, with a pen in my hand and started to write it out.
When I used, what I used, and the consequence of the use. I could than see how it just kept getting worse and worse. I had no where left to go but up. I had to stop.
I don’t have a lot of meetings, not physically able to go. So I continue to do the Internet websites, trying to be there for others, trying to be of service to others, trying to learn how to live from the people who I can have contact with even though I don’t see or talk to them? Is it possible….
Attitude up and down like a roller coaster from hell…deleting sites on purpose sometimes when I would just get so mad. Than I thought maybe I should get back on my medication that I am suppose to be on for my depression. I did not wanting to but I did. Than I heard from a good friend on line that she was going to do her meditations each morning before she got on the computer. I thought to myself, yeah what a brilliant idea! So I started that next morning to do what she said she was doing.
Still to this day, I have my coffee, cigarettes, and my “Personal Time” with my HP whomever it is I don’t try and analyze anymore, I just accept that there is some force that is within me for the good. I have ruined many relationships this time around, I have asked for forgiveness and just try and not repeat the same things again.
I wouldn’t trade it for anything today. My life today is something that I just keep being more amazed with each and everyday. My health, I don’t talk much about anymore, I am just very blessed to be alive. I”M ALIVE AND I AM A JUNKIE!
Thanks for allowing me to share!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Vic, thank you so much. You truly pulled yourself back from the brink. Deep inside, you wanted to give yourself another chance to experience life.
It's a wonderful thing - being of service to others - & I'm sure you're a huge help to so many. It eases our own pain when we can reach out and teach others what worked for us, how we saved ourselves.
So glad to see you here and telling your story. Many will benefit from it!
It's a wonderful thing - being of service to others - & I'm sure you're a huge help to so many. It eases our own pain when we can reach out and teach others what worked for us, how we saved ourselves.
So glad to see you here and telling your story. Many will benefit from it!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Thank you for posting some of your story. I hope you continue to do well by yourself and keep growing. This is one heck of a journey. Who knows where it will take us but not using creates a bit better odds that the good times will out-weigh the challenging! Thanks again for sharing. 
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