hello again....
Beating this demon for GOOD
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
hello again....
hi all, it's been a couple of YEARS (yes I said YEARS) since I have been on these boards and working toward total sobriety.
I will try to be quick, I am a 42 year old woman with a beautiful 12 year old daughter, I left my third marriage back in the fall of 2009 (why that didn't work out too as the same reason as always, mainly my out of control drinking). We are relocated and rerooted in a new town, fairly settled in at this point, and I am working freelance after a LONG stretch of being unemployed (my contract ended with my former company last fall). The being at home, working from home has only made it easier for me to resume drinking and to gross excess most of the time. Too much time is truly the devil's workshop, I believe that.
Anyhow, after keeping this "bout" of falling off the wagon back in Feb. (yes I actually was sober for a while back in the fall), my daughter out of concern, called and left my parents two messages yesterday, which precipitated my calling them back and spilling the truth. Yes, I told them, it's true I've been drinking again. To say their hearts are broken is an understatment and my daughter was actually hugging me and "apologizing" for saying anything to them. How precious is she? But this after I asked her not to tell them that I was back to drinking "because they worry about me." What a horrible cross for my own child to bear!!!!
I have resumed meetings at AA, found one a few years ago that is local, that I love and went back today. I actually also offered to help with rides with another member who is unable to drive by lives in the same apt. complex as us. I think this will not only help him, but help ME to stay on course and GET MY BUTT TO MEETINGS!!!!!! I also mentioned at the open meeting today that I am back and actively seeking a sponsor this time around. I exchanged phone numbers with about two-three different women who were (as usual) very kind, understanding and reached out to me.
Right now, it's a tough road. I have been crying off and on all day today, feel like I am going to jump out of my skin with the cravings, etc. and am just down, depressed, anxious and feeling like I failed not only my family but my little girl. Not to mention myself.
I have tried to stay busy this afternoon by visitng Barnes and Noble with my daugher to pick up some self-help books and a Haunted New England account as well.
I have had too many "day one"s to mention, but here I am once again. I am so glad I found these boards, you are are so full of help, support and wisdom. I plan to make reading and posting here a part of my new recovery effort.
how did you all deal with the physical withdrawals/cravings early on? I am drinking my second can of caffeine free coke, but it's not helping much. I am angry to be honest that I am so defective that I keep trying an failing at staying sober, but there is too much to lose this time around.
It's been so out of control this last "bout" I've had some scary thoughts about just ending it all and being done with it. Rationally and while sober I realize that is NOT an option and certainly not a solution.
I want so much to at least accept the first step, admitting I am powerless over alcohol and turning that over to God as I understand him. (I am Catholic btw so this has never been a huge effort for me). BUT I am feeling anxious, disgusted and angry at myself more than anything else right now.
thanks for listening to my rant. I made an appt. with my former counselor and plan to have a session with her a couple of times a month (all I can afford as I have not had health insurance for many months). But I need to do as much as I possibly can, whatever it is, to stay on the straight and narrow this time.
I will try to be quick, I am a 42 year old woman with a beautiful 12 year old daughter, I left my third marriage back in the fall of 2009 (why that didn't work out too as the same reason as always, mainly my out of control drinking). We are relocated and rerooted in a new town, fairly settled in at this point, and I am working freelance after a LONG stretch of being unemployed (my contract ended with my former company last fall). The being at home, working from home has only made it easier for me to resume drinking and to gross excess most of the time. Too much time is truly the devil's workshop, I believe that.
Anyhow, after keeping this "bout" of falling off the wagon back in Feb. (yes I actually was sober for a while back in the fall), my daughter out of concern, called and left my parents two messages yesterday, which precipitated my calling them back and spilling the truth. Yes, I told them, it's true I've been drinking again. To say their hearts are broken is an understatment and my daughter was actually hugging me and "apologizing" for saying anything to them. How precious is she? But this after I asked her not to tell them that I was back to drinking "because they worry about me." What a horrible cross for my own child to bear!!!!
I have resumed meetings at AA, found one a few years ago that is local, that I love and went back today. I actually also offered to help with rides with another member who is unable to drive by lives in the same apt. complex as us. I think this will not only help him, but help ME to stay on course and GET MY BUTT TO MEETINGS!!!!!! I also mentioned at the open meeting today that I am back and actively seeking a sponsor this time around. I exchanged phone numbers with about two-three different women who were (as usual) very kind, understanding and reached out to me.
Right now, it's a tough road. I have been crying off and on all day today, feel like I am going to jump out of my skin with the cravings, etc. and am just down, depressed, anxious and feeling like I failed not only my family but my little girl. Not to mention myself.
I have tried to stay busy this afternoon by visitng Barnes and Noble with my daugher to pick up some self-help books and a Haunted New England account as well.
I have had too many "day one"s to mention, but here I am once again. I am so glad I found these boards, you are are so full of help, support and wisdom. I plan to make reading and posting here a part of my new recovery effort.
how did you all deal with the physical withdrawals/cravings early on? I am drinking my second can of caffeine free coke, but it's not helping much. I am angry to be honest that I am so defective that I keep trying an failing at staying sober, but there is too much to lose this time around.
It's been so out of control this last "bout" I've had some scary thoughts about just ending it all and being done with it. Rationally and while sober I realize that is NOT an option and certainly not a solution.
I want so much to at least accept the first step, admitting I am powerless over alcohol and turning that over to God as I understand him. (I am Catholic btw so this has never been a huge effort for me). BUT I am feeling anxious, disgusted and angry at myself more than anything else right now.
thanks for listening to my rant. I made an appt. with my former counselor and plan to have a session with her a couple of times a month (all I can afford as I have not had health insurance for many months). But I need to do as much as I possibly can, whatever it is, to stay on the straight and narrow this time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome back Newtosoberlivin - I wondered how you were doing 
Sorry to hear about your struggles but I'm glad you're back on the right path
I think the very best idea to deal with withdrawals is simply to see a Dr & get checked out...but we do have a thread where members contribute their withdrawal experiences - it may help
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
I think all of us feel a lot of emotion in early recovery - anger regret anxiety fear - thats normal.
It's best tho I think to try and look forward, not back - where you are today is a million miles away from where you were when you were drinking, and it can only get better if you stay on the path you're setting out for yourself
D
Sorry to hear about your struggles but I'm glad you're back on the right path
I think the very best idea to deal with withdrawals is simply to see a Dr & get checked out...but we do have a thread where members contribute their withdrawal experiences - it may help
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
I think all of us feel a lot of emotion in early recovery - anger regret anxiety fear - thats normal.
It's best tho I think to try and look forward, not back - where you are today is a million miles away from where you were when you were drinking, and it can only get better if you stay on the path you're setting out for yourself
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Welcome back New to SL,
Good job on getting to a meeting; .....and that sounds great about giving rides !?!
(service work)
That sort of thing really helped me early on,
....plus sticking around here at SR !
Working nights, this place has been invaluable.
Good job on getting to a meeting; .....and that sounds great about giving rides !?!
(service work)
That sort of thing really helped me early on,
....plus sticking around here at SR !
Working nights, this place has been invaluable.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Welcome back!
The thing that helped me most with the cravings of early sobriety was to change my daily routine. I normally began to drink in the early evening, so I had to make a decision to do something else at that time. It really helped me to get out of the house and take long walks. Do whatever works for you to get through a few minutes at a time.
I have used SR as my lifeline for many years now and I hope you will find support here too.
The thing that helped me most with the cravings of early sobriety was to change my daily routine. I normally began to drink in the early evening, so I had to make a decision to do something else at that time. It really helped me to get out of the house and take long walks. Do whatever works for you to get through a few minutes at a time.
I have used SR as my lifeline for many years now and I hope you will find support here too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Very glad you're back! Yes, your daughter is precious - and you will make her proud as you recover. You didn't mean to burden her - but that's what the poison does to us. It makes us behave in ways we never would if we were clearheaded.
You'll be edgy and shaky for awhile, but then it'll be done once & for all. I did what Anna said - changed up my routine to help with the triggers, and kept crazy busy. It will all pass, and you'll be back among the living.
Glad you came back to see us and share the good news. You sound determined. You can do this!
You'll be edgy and shaky for awhile, but then it'll be done once & for all. I did what Anna said - changed up my routine to help with the triggers, and kept crazy busy. It will all pass, and you'll be back among the living.
Glad you came back to see us and share the good news. You sound determined. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
Welcome back! I have a young son myself and I know that although children are a great motivator to quit drinking, the guilt of past wrongs can lead you right back to the bottle. I know that has been a huge thing for me to conquer-- the unending guilt. Quitting is the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter, and it sounds like you have a really good plan. Good for you!
Good for you!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Caffeine free tea with honey & lemon, chocolate, candy, water water water!
Eat well, exercise with daughter, pray, read the book alcoholics anonymous, aa online chatroom, aa speakers online, invite sober moms over...be with your daughter and ask her what she would like to do with you...hair, nails, cards, etc. Always something to do!
Eat well, exercise with daughter, pray, read the book alcoholics anonymous, aa online chatroom, aa speakers online, invite sober moms over...be with your daughter and ask her what she would like to do with you...hair, nails, cards, etc. Always something to do!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
You feel bad now but it will get better if you don't drink and attend meetings, but take time out to relax, a good movie a book helps me to get out of my own head for a while. The crazy monkey mind will start to settle the longer you are sober.
All the best
CaiHong
All the best
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Welcome back! Try not to be angry with yourself. I don't know anyone who chose to become an alcoholic. I know I've made a ton of bad choices—but that wasn't one. Like Dee said, try to look forward. Every day is a chance to redefine ourselves.
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