The stress begins
 

My brother was just diagnosed with stage 3, 4 throat cancer. My sister took a bus down to be with him when he goes to oncologist. My sister hasn't drank in a year but I know when she gets with my brother, she will get plastered.
He lives in a hotel. He works 60 hours. They have no food there and no vehicle. I am sure he finds enough money to buy beer. I have a little left in my account but I do not get paid in 2 weeks. I hate the fact that they have no food. I was thinking of going to the dollar store and buying some canned goods to help them out but my logic says he can figure a way himself. I am torn. This is always the case with my dysfunctional family. I have always helped. My family has always been a HUGE source of my anxiety. They are selfish and toxic. I want to be there for my brother but the drama of my family dynamics is going to be a huge trigger for me. My sponsor is out of town so I cannot talk to her. I am just a bit stressed and needed to vent. Thanks much

So sorry to hear about your brother. I know how you feel about wanting to help.....but you need to do what's best for your sobriety.

When my father was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and my Mom needed my help to care for him....it was the perfect justification to quit my job and allow my addictions to go wild. That was over ten years ago, and I have not recovered yet. I used everything as an excuse to use and drink.....happiness....tragedy.....highs.....lows, you name it I used it.

Good luck and once again...so sorry for your news.

I'm very sorry about your brother Ipangel. This is a difficult situation. I was the always the "helper" in my family too! I see nothing wrong with buying the food and dropping it off, if it eases your mind. However, at this stage of your recovery, I would not get caught up in the drama. Sometimes its best to step away and "save" yourself.

One of the hardest things I had to do was let my family go. They were toxic to me. I turned to alcohol to cope with them. (I take the responsibility for drinking) I got to the point where it was destroying me. Is it hard? YES, but I am 13 months sober! So, my advice, for what its worth , is take care of yourself! They will survive without you and you can work on saving your own life. Of course, you know what's best for yourself. :)




Best Wishes To You!

Thank you opivotal. Hard to let it go and care for myself. It's my nature to want to help but I really need to put my sobriety first.

I know Ipangel...I really do. It's a decision only you can make. I got to the point where I couldn't save myself, never mind my family. I had nothing left to give. I was empty. It doesn't have to be forever. But....if you don't take care of yourself....who will? My family took so much out of me. I was drowning and I wanted to live. My decision was right for me. You have to decide what's right for you. I wish I could give you the answer but I can't. I can only share my experience and what I needed to do. I feel your pain .... I'm sure you will make the right choice for you. Trust in yourself....

:ghug3

Best Wishes To You!

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I kow you'll keep us posted as you proceed.

I agree with Optival that it would be okay to take food, but I would not get too involved either. But helping at some level, like spending $10 on a few days worth of inexpensive food, might help alleviate your sense of what you need to do.

Hang in there.

I am also very sorry for your brother and you and your family to be going through this.

I used to put everyone ahead of myself and I ended up running on empty with nothing left to give. Do take care of yourself first and foremost. If there is some way you can support your brother without risking your sobriety, then of course it would be great and it would help you to feel less guilty.

I'm so sorry for your brother and all of your family problems. I too was always the helper for my brother and his addiction to alcohol but we come from a very dysfunctional and alcoholic family and I ended up in the same boat. I am sober now, have had a few relapses, am back on the wagon and plan to stay this way. I have to stay away from my family members who drink all of the time and as hard as it is, they need to do it for themselves. You need to focus on you! YOU YOU YOU!

Just as I suspected. I wouldn't let them use my address to send mail here so my sister got ticked and hung up on me. It wasn't enough that I was going to drive to the grocery store and spend what I don't have on groceries for them, then drive 20 miles to bring it to them. That is not enough. Its not even about my brother. He didn't ask me for help. My sister did. I am so sick of drama. This is why I changed my number and stopped calling them. They love using me as their whipping post. I am so done. I'm going to a meeting.

Check on internet for resources available in his city for food or financial assistance. Working 60 hours would bring in $, but anyway, resources are there. Often local churches provide meals or money. Take a look.

Prayers sent your way

And call someone in your network.

it is always hard if you are ina family and you are the responisble one. I learned during my recovery, yes they are your family and by nature you love them and want to help, however nobody says they have to be good to you or healthy to be around. I am really sorry for your brother, but if he can buy beer he can spent the money on food as well. No reason for you to jump n and help. If they want to recover they can find help. Take care of yourself. You come first. How are you helping them if you are not well off in the 1st place. You need to get well, then you can help, if they follow your rules.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know that despite the real need to distance yourself it is hard to do that because you just simply love them.

My baby brother is homeless. He has asked and begged to live with me. To guard my family's sobriety I've had to say no again and again but have offered to do other things like wash his clothes. So badly I just want to save him. My heart aches. There are no words to describe the love you have for your siblings no matter how toxic they are for you.

What I hope is that you find the strength to do what you can without compromising yourself. I'm here for you if you would like to share more over a PM.

Take care, I know its not easy:(

I'm so sorry for your situation lpnangel - but I'm glad you're not forgetting to take care of yourself too.

Like many others here I was the go to guy...I put people ahead of my own welfare so often...I amazes me now I'd do so much to help others...but nothing to help myself.

You're not alone, and among friends here :hug:

D

lpnangel - It's so good you're talking about this. It helps take the sting out of it - maybe a little. I'm so sad that you're having this stress. Sorry for what your brother is facing, too.

I hope you'll continue to put yourself first and try not to feel guilty. It's very hard for me to detach myself from toxic situations, and I know just how you feel - but we must. There's no pleasing some people, & they will suck the life out of us if given the opportunity. Please be kind to yourself & keep us informed. Prayers going up for your family.

I went to my meeting and got through my anxiety. I didn't speak but I really needed to be around someone. I can't deny that urge to go buy a pint of vodka didn't cross my mind. I pushed it way knowing full well it wasn't going to solve anything. An hour after I got home, my sister text me that my other sister kicked her out. She screamed and cried on the phone for an hour. It was most stressful. This is the kind of issues I have been dealing with for 20 years. One of my biggest short comings is putting the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am going to get through this without drinking. There is a difference now. I have God, AA, my wonderful SR friends on my side. Thank you all for your kind words.

I too have an older brother that is homeless. The whole damn family is messed up. Believe it or not, I am the only half sane one of the bunch. :c029:

look after yourself dear,Remember that saying 'Let go and let God' If you let yourself go down what good is that? i t won't cure your brother ,it won't fix your sister .I have walked a similar path a few times in my life.As the eldest sister in a family of six ,many times i felt like i had been in a ten round fight with Sonny Liston ,,physically emotionally financially wiped out.So yes I turned to booze but I;m hoping no more.I couldn't stop my brother/sister in law from cancer, I couldn;t prevent the disasters but I CAN help myself SO CAN you .May be if you are a church member or have access to a local Church the clergy can often send help through another parish close to your brother .there are a lot of angels in the world,stand back and let God use them good night

How sane and strong you are by not buying a botttle of vodka, going to an AA meeting and posting here. Good on you.
Maybe you should change your phone number as well as not let them use your address.
Family sure can trigger, anyone esle behaving like that we would tell them to go away and not have anything to do with them.
Best
CaiHong

lpnangel...my prayers are with you and your entire family. I cannot imagine what you are going through. But, I know from your posts that you are taking the right steps to stay on track with your sobriety. I wish I had words of advice for you, but I can only include you in my prayers. God will provide you the strength and wisdom you need in this moment...this situation. Lots of great advice here. Sometimes love means putting your oxygen mask on before your childs, as they say on airplanes. That can be a very hard, counter-intuitive thing to do, but it could also be what saves both of your lives.