stuartp

Walking with God . . .LISTEN to me for a moment, please. I am 46. I have 23 days sober. I am depressed today because I think about all the misery I put my family through . . . wife of 19 years, my 16 year old daughter, 15 year old son and 12 year old daughter. All have seen me drunk (alot), know that I have a problem and they are trying to deal with it.

I relate to all your posts - how did a few beers on the weekend become nightly drunks? why do I fear being by myself and sober? why can I stick to it for a few days then go back? I was ashamed, confused. The lies to the wife went from lying about a few beers to what do I do with all the empty rum/gin/whatever bottles. . . . I think you get the picture.

YOU ARE SO FAR AHEAD of the game if you're going through this now. You have the opportunity for your 2 year old daughter to NEVER remember seeing you drunk, passed out at 7pm (or whenever), not see your wife afraid, scared, pissed off, ready to leave (you get the picture again).

I started going to AA . . .after years of telling myself it wasn't for me. Afterall, I hadn't lost a job, my house, my family (yet). I was never arrested, in a car crash, barfight. I never, ever went to work drunk, had a drink before the afernoon, missed work due to drinking.

But I have a problem. That can be overcome (with a lot of effort and grace).

You can do this. NOW IS THE TIME for you (well, according to me. . . but it has to be the time according to you).

I regret the time lost. I would love to go back to when I was just in my 30s and do what I'm doing now.

More importantly, I am so GRATEFUL that I have found AA now and that it didn't take me another 20 years of shame, drunkeness, and all the other crap.

Feel free to reply back here or PM me if you want to chat more. You CAN do this - and it will be worth it for you. THe shame/pain will only increase. Trust me on this one. Take care - Stuart

sugarbear1

If you can, spend those 2-3 hours with your child! Priceless!!

walkingwithgod

What scares me is that, is this me? I feel bad about the money wasted, and how I choose to spend my alone time. I always felt that alcoholism was a poor man's issue, but readin on SR it affects every aspect of the social ladder. I want to be healthy, in shape, happy, able to wake up with a clear mind, but for some reason 4pm comes around and I just go back to my routine. I need to get a better plan for after work and alone time.

sugarbear1

Try an in person support group or meeting. You are not alone!

stuartp

You have to answer this yourself. For me, my wife had 'the answer' for me for this question for a long time. But that didn't matter, I had to answer it myself.

Actually, in my area, the most AA meetings (by far) are in the most affluent towns (perhaps too much money/time . . and other things). "Poor man issue"?? . . . not all - it strikes across the board. I personally am living proof of that (I'm not rich, but I'm also not poor.)

Yep, this was my life until July 26, 2011 - to the tee. (The only difference is that I would start drinking at 6pm.) And I pray, hope, work towards not getting back there.

Yes you do. And part of this could be just calling other alcoholics to get your mind on something else to get past this time. AA will help you develop tools to combat these feelings and give you other to lean on - which I, personally, really need. Also, since you realize this is a 'problem time' plan for something different.

You have a decision to make. Continue with your life as it is (and you sound remarkably like me over the past 20 years . . .the outcome, trust me is not desirable). OR, you can seek some help (AA or something else) to get you closer to the life you want.

One more thing to think about. . . If you do end up seeking out help, and it works out for you - you get sober/closer to the life you want and away from the drinking, do you think you will regret all those 'wasted days that you weren't drunk'? I really don't mean for that to sound condescending - I guess I wish for all those days back.

MarylandRick

I am a 35 yr old Alcoholic. My teens and college years were marked with what I considered normal weekend and party drinking. After college I began a career which has been very good to me.

I am married to a beautiful, spectacular woman, I have 2 beautiful step children, a nice home and great career. By the grace of God I have no legal troubles or health issues.

I really noticed my drinking was becoming a problem roughly 5 or 6 years ago. At 33 I tried to stop on my own and lasted a week. I had always been a health nut and gym rat and like you, it began to deteriorate.

I tried AA and didn't like it, said it wasn't for me. In October of 2010, after a week long drinking spree, I decided to quit cold turkey. I began working out again, lost the 60lbs I had gained and felt great.

The problem is, I just stopped drinking. I had no support group, or plan for recovery other than to stop.

Needless to say I relapsed and it only took a few weeks for me to be drinking very heavily again. I am now 25 days sober and actively going to and participating in AA and the 12 steps. Though I was sober for 8 months this spring, I feel leaps and bounds better at 25 days sober with the support of AA than I did at 8 months with out.

We are similar age and your story and patterns sound similar to mine. Your on the right path to recognize it now. Give AA a shot. Just my 2 cents.

Keep up the fight.

stuartp

Well said MarylandRick.

WWG- I didn't mean to come across all preachy and stuff. I just saw a lot of me in your story. If anything I wrote make sense - go with it, if not, toss it.

bennybored

Hey WWG,
great that you have done a week before and that you have found SR. I think one of the biggest things to change is the habit - the habit of stopping at the store after work. I know it is so so hard, I bartend and for me I have found I must leave the pub immediately after I cashout. It is so hard but once I am out that door I feel a sense of relief - I bet you will too once you drive passed the store -It will be so hard but about 10 secs after driving right by it you will feel better! Each day will be a struggle driving past it but give it a shot - its been working for me so far and the proud feeling is great!

Dan Dare

I visit here often, and have learned alot.

This time last year, I was making more money than I ever did in my life. Everything seemed great, I was working hard, felt very successful.
In October 2010 I got laid off. It hit me pretty hard and took me months to come to terms with it.
In May, my brother committed suicide. Suffice it to say, I have been in a pretty dark place.
Luckily I have a beautiful, supportive woman in my life.
And I am starting to realize I am drinking for all the wrong reasons. You simply cannot drink to ease or mask pain.
I've always been a happy drinker and always enjoyed it.
But I am seeing my drinking taking a different turn. Drinking has started to take me to an even darker place, a place of self - pity, a selfish place.
I need to seriously re-think things. I am still unemployed, terrified at the state of our economy, and just sad, overall.
I am going to try to get away from my habits until I can feel better again.
Alcohol has been making it worse. That's a tough pill to swallow!

Thanks for listening to me rant... good luck all!

Dee74

welcome back DanDare


how are you doing today WWG?
D

Zebra1275

If you try AA you will be relieved to find that you are not alone. In fact, you may be amazed at the number of different people who show up to meetings in the course of a month.

I always felt that alcoholism was a poor man's issue,

That's not true. Some people end up poor because of drinking and their continued drinking causes them to start losing stuff. But I know some Doctors, Lawyers, and Professors who are in AA. I also know of a couple of guys in AA who are milionaires a few times over.

CaiHong

Walkingwithgod, I really think StuartP couldn't have put it better. I think you have missed the point though, you have the best of intentions to give up drinking, you see what it is doing to your family and you. You have tried to stop. Many of us have tried to stop on our own AA is working for me it may work for you, whatever you decide approach it with an open mind and really listen to the people on this forum.
I wish you the best
CaiHong

walkingwithgod

I want to thank you all for the comments. For the last three nights I have had 6-8 beers, and I know that is not normal. I wake up everyday, and say God why me. I am making a goal of having a drink free weekend. I feel so ashamed, and the thing is no one thinks there is a problem with me at all. I come off as the most normal guy, family,job,dad ect. I feel like I have a terrible secret and it is killing me.

stuartp

WWG - I know that everyone reading this can related to at least some part of your post - if not all of it (I relate to it all). Your head's in the right place - that being you know there is a problem. There are many people out there who do what you do (and much more) and think everything is fine. It is not! And you know this - which is good.

Yep - my secret was all the drinking, the secret stashes (will I get caught?), the covering up that I didn't know what I did the previous night (and all the ones before), etc. etc.

For me, it was a relief when I accepted for myself that I could not drink just 1, 3, 12 drinks without things getting out of control. They always did.

It was comforting to me to realize that I simply could not drink any more. And I accepted whatever help I could find - which for me was AA.

You can do this! DOn't give up! Read more posts on here for inspiration and to know that you're not alone. Keep posting and stay connected. It will help.

Take care.

duane88

hi walking with god. i to was the same as you i would drink atleast 6 to 8 beers before my ex wife got home and it seemed she always new i had a beer or 2 so i too would go along with her and tell her i only had 2 beers.in actuality i've had 6-8 and for me it was like well she knows i've had a couple beers already so now it should be ok if i have a few more beers and in her mind i've only had 4 or so but the truth i've had at least 12.. so i can relate too your story! alot of the threads i read seem too reflect on my alcohol disease and i'm glad i found this recovery site,it really helps me when i'm down or itching too have a beer/drink i just no with this sr forum theres help so good luck!!!

saphira

I know how hard it is to keep up the facade of a normal person. During my heavy drinking days I actually used to pray that my family would somehow "magically" realize what was going on and have an intervention for me or something because I didn't have the strength to go to them for help, but I did want to quit drinking. I just didn't know how to do it. For me, I had to let go of that "normal" person and come clean. Not sure if this is the right path for everyone, and I didn't really "confess" to people, but I just started being honest. When people asked me questions, I told the truth. That freed me to really start looking at myself. When you're so busy trying to keep track of lies, it doesn't leave you time to be honest with yourself. You know, right when I came on here and would relapse, people kept telling me that I'll quit when I want sobriety more than that next drink. Intellectually I understood what they meant, but it didn't really hit home for me. I mean, how could the desire to quit EVER outweigh the craving for a drink-- after all, that was why I kept relapsing. Finally, about a month ago, it clicked in my head and I understood. And this was after I had already quit for a month! Something changed in my head and I KNEW that I was done simply because I care too much about being sober and the good things it brings. Since this realization, everything has been easier. It took me awhile to get there though. My point, I guess, is just to take it easy on yourself. For me this was (and still is!) a journey... trying to figure out how to put all the pieces together to make sure I stay sober.
You can do this!