soberviking

It makes no sense to me. I genuinely hate it. It use to be, I thought, a lot of fun for me. But in the last couple years it has not really brought any joy what so ever. I haven't touched any drugs since 2004. And I quit smoking almost 3 years ago. And other then occasionally when I see someone light up I have a quick passing desire to light one up myself, but it fades away as quick as it comes. But it's not the same for drinking.

I don't know why. I was addicted to the other stuff but my brain didn't sit around scheming of a way to get some more. Once I had enough I was done, walked away free and clear. I didn't need any plan, didn't need a support group or anything. My own willpower was enough. And alcohol is my last hurdle I've been wanting to give up for these past few years but damned if I keep getting kicked off the wagon. And I can't really blame any social interactions anymore for making me slip since I've pretty much have no friends, never go out anywhere so I sit at home alone and drinking my life away.

They always say if you want something bad enough you can have it. Maybe it's just that somewhere in a little dark corner of my mind that still wants to drink.

sugarbear1

I just want to numb things. Drinking did it.

Today I desire to face me & recover.

Best wishes to you

bayliss

Hello Soberviking,

I hear ya 100% - I used to abuse some drugs as a teenager and was able to stop cold turkey - mind you I did overdose when I was around 17 so that was quite the wake-up call in that regard that makes me very cautious around drugs - prescription or street.
I smoked for seven years and quite cold turkey 1 year and 7 months ago. My boyfriend and friends smoke around me and I am totally fine but drinking is an entirely different story.
I am curious why being sober is so much more difficult then - lets say - smoking? A LOT more people smoke then they drink...or is it just us?
I mean, my boyfriend can't quit smoking but he definitely doesn't have to drink and won't drink for a while if he doesn't want to...while I don't have to smoke, or want to but I feel like I need to drink. :/
I am interested in this and want to research more into why this happens...

I am on day 5 right now...I haven't been sober on a weekend in a very long time...by this time last week I was half in the bag.
I definitely understand what you're saying...I want to quit drinking - I don't really enjoy it or the idea of it...but I sit here and think if maybe I can get away with having a few drinks tonight...which deep down...in my heart, I really don't want to.

eJoshua

Yeah, I hear ya. It was the same for me. You have to be willing to do anything to quit.

serious

i think one of the problems is that alcohol is so deeply engraved into society that it makes it that much harder to escape...

- people celebrate with alcohol
- people mourn with alcohol
- alcohol is in the movies/tv shows
- it's in the stores
- bars are all over the place
- most restaurants serve alcohol

it is very hard to find alcohol-free environments especially if you are a social kind of person.
i can easily say to my co-workers: "let's have some beers after work". but if i said, "let's go do a few lines of coke or pop some oxy's after work"... i'm sure i'd be reported to the authorities.

artsoul

Sounds right to me..... that's the insanity of addiction. I drank for a long time even though it was clear alcohol was eroding my life. I didn't know if I even cared anymore, though it horrified me to think of my children seeing their mother as a hopeless alcoholic.

I really didn't get my sanity back until I'd been sober for a while and it probably took a year before the alcohol stopped talking to me. The support here really helped me stay on course.

I hope you can find what you need to turn things around for good. :ghug3

Missy7

Bayliss--I really understand what you are saying. It's like a tension all the time.

I love being sober. I love being able to do what I can do. I cannot imagine waking up another damned day and saying, "Well, gotta slip through today. Tomorrow will be better." Maybe I should look at it as a year..."Well, gotta slip through 2012. Maybe 2013 will be better." Crap. That sounds bad, doesn't it? BUT I JUST DID IT. I realize that I have been hung over 3 or 4 days out of every week. Man. What a flippin' waste.

But, but, but, if I sit down at a bar and say I won't drink, then I say, okay, one beer, okay two. Okay a shot...two shots...three...

It's like slipping into a warm bath. I am no longer responsible. I don't have to make commitments. I can imagine myself anything I want. I don't have to try--or achieve.

The next day sucks, but heck, from the bath who cares?

And I don't want to do that anymore, but I wish there was another way of disappearing. Cause I need to disappear once in a while.

SerenityStarbuc

I am brand new here, but I just wanted to say, wow Missy, that is such an apt description of (one of the many reasons) why I have had this ridiculous love/hate relationship with alcohol for basically all of my adult life. Well put.

soberviking

Missy7 I'm the same way, I do enjoy having sober time. I'm a hell of a lot more productive and feel in control. I love waking up hangover free on my days off making breakfast and drinkig coffee. And then maybe later in the day having a family get together over at my folks place and doing a big BBQ for everyone.

But then something just snaps in my brain and I just HAVE to drink. Even though I know in my mind that it will do me no good and I'll just be hating life the next day I do it anyway. And any "good feelings" it gives me are fleeting at best. Then usually I blackout and just thank God I woke up in my own bedroom instead of a jail cell being busted for a DWI becuase I tried to go on a food/more beer run.

It's crazy. And here I am again. Today I'm all fired up and ready to get back on the wagon but what about tomorrow, next week, next month or next year?

bayliss

Very well put Missy.

Soberviking - I guess we can't really think that far ahead...we gotta take it one day at a time...even one hour at a time at times...
I am on day 5...the first time in a LONG time that I have been sober on a Saturday and it's 5pm!!!
Usually I am drunk by 10am and then sobered up and then start drinking at 4pm and passed out just before 9pm...I don't remember half the day and the weekend goes by in a fleeting instant.
I cannot remember a Saturday where I actually REMEMBER going to bed. It really is insane.
For once...I am going to try this tonight...there is booze in my house...but I am just having some sparkling juice and going to have a bbq with my boyfriend and want to remember going to sleep. Maybe will pop in here and post before I go to bed. My boyfriend is drinking..and the wine is there...but I can't...I can't disappoint all the ones that I love and I cannot disappoint me...I don't want to wake up in the morning feeling incredibly guilty for having that one-two-five-eight drinks...
Wish me luck.

Hevyn

Soberviking - glad you started this thread. I see me in every one of the replies. I kept drinking long after it was fun and relaxing, too. I kept trying to find the old euphoria - insisting I could manage it. That led me to 2 DUI's (including 8 days in jail!), ruined relationships, humiliation at work, health issues. It was ridiculous what it took for me to finally get it.

SR was so valuable to me because no one in my life had a problem with drinking - they could take it or leave it. I had no one to confide in. When I came here, I was still trying to use willpower to control my drinking, but I found out that would never be possible. Being able to be honest here, and have so many amazing people encourage me, was what I needed to get the strength to stop.

Bayliss, I hope it goes well for you tonight - will be thinking of you.

Thrillhouse

It fills the time for me. Drinking gives me such a high. Even if I had a fun day or a great day at work, i still have to prolong it with booze. I hate it, yet it is a habit.

ADaisyifyoudo

I wish I hated it. I liked it. A lot. And most of the time it wasn't a problem. But I know it was going to become one.

Warm bath, exactly. It's about the only way I ever found to relax. Still can't find a way to really unwind without it. I'm either doing something productive, or I am asleep. I mean, I can watch a movie, or read a book, but really, just vegging out and relaxing. Not yet, anyway.

Still waiting to start liking being sober.

aussieblue

Thats how it is for me too. I need to stop for my health and to keep my marriage .

Dee74

I really like the warm bath analogy Missy.
Trouble was I started to find myself drowning...

I liked drinking too - at elast initially....I relied on alcohol - a lot.

For everything - pick me up, put me out, make me happy, take the edge off, to celebrate....or to deal with pain, stress, boredom, anger, fear...

I did that for way more years than I care to remember.

It is hard to change that - takes a lot of hard work and a bit of time...but the process is not without its gifts....

I love myself and I love my life now.

to anyone who may doubt it, trust me - it's so worth it

D

north

All that plus the romanticism that is applied to alcohol:

- 'knocking back' a few shots of hard liquor is considered a sign of strength; plus, we get the 'mystique' of craft production in drinks like single-malt whisky. Imagine if one tried to do the same with particularly potent 'shots' of balsamic vinegar...it would look ridiculous and we'd likely see it for what it is.

- it's also often portrayed as an accepted - and powerful - response to a stressful situation when in fact, dealing with issues sober takes more courage. A heavy-drinking friend of mine refers to the practice of taking a few shots of vodka at the start of the evening as 'sharpeners' - even before I quit drinking, I pointed out the more likely opposite effect.


- the ability to consume large amounts is generally considered admirable, and we have traditions such as buying rounds that encourage this. What if one were to apply this to milkshakes or Big Macs? Perhaps only if you were a budding sumo wrestler...