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talking about boundaries

Old 08-08-2011, 07:09 AM
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talking about boundaries

I have red lot of posts talking about setting boundaries and people whose families and friends still drinks while they are trying to quit. I have the same problem.
As I already mentioned, I am surrounded by people who drink and abuse alcohol and my experience tells me that I cannot count on their support...and that's ok, I will not use this as an excuse for starting the circle again.

My family would like me not to drink, but they would drink in front of me and even when I succeed to accomplish some significant amount of sober days they would start acting as I am "cured" or that I have changed and become mature, responsible woman. Than some family gathering would occur and I would be encouraged to drink...because I have proven that I can be sober
I cleared that in my head, I live with that every day and I know that they just don't understand, that they have their issues, but I have my life and I somehow succeeded to overcome that...They can drink, I cannot -NO MATTER WHAT.

With friends it is different. I decided to hang out for a while only with people with whom alcohol is not the main interest that I share, specially with those who drink heavily. I would exchange messages with them, talk over phone, but no way I will see them and sit with them for a "coffee".
They dont acknowledge my addiction, they think I am silly, funny, misguided and that I am not an alcoholic, or at least that it is not true that I cannot stop after one drink. So I don't go into that territory.

These days I have another problem. I have a really good friend that I love who is going through difficult phase in her life and is looking for my support.
She drinks moderately, but the point is that usually we would meet, I would listen to her, she would take few drinks, start with her problems and I would drink way too much, try to be supportive, to analyze her problems, tell her my point of view and make her laugh. Somehow she would end up better and I would end up drunk and exhausted.

Starting from Friday, she is trying to see me, she sends me messages how she doesn't feel well, that she would like to come over to my house just to sit with me and laugh. And I know what she means with this, we would sit we would drink and suddenly I would transform to this strong, funny woman who knows answers to all her problems.

I cannot do that any more. I don't have time for empty talks, I want actions, I need my daily routine, my peace, time for daily reflections and sleep.

Today I refused her again. She wanted to come to my house around 21 (because she works late) just to have a beer and good laugh with me.
I told her somehow that it is not suitable. I didn't tell her the whole truth - That I cannot be there for her, because I need to be here for myself.

I know it would be easier to tell them all to leave me alone for a while, that I have to pick up the peaces and put myself together again, but I know it will not work.

Last year, when I told them all that I stopped drinking and that I joined AA, they just didnt understand, they rebelled because they lost their old MB. New MB was strange, rigid, not fun.

The same thing happened when I told them about my depression diagnosis.
Sometimes I felt like they felt insulted (both family and friends) because I just asked for some time for my self.

So this time, I am not explaining anything to anybody, if they already are not prepare to help I will not let them make this more difficult to me.

It feels good learning to say NO and making line between your personal space and their, but still at some moments I have feeling that I am not a good friend or whatever and I would like to be wise enough to know how to do this all without hurting others feeling, but no matter what I would not jeopardize my sobriety and in order to stay sober it is not enough just to abstain, but also to take care of all aspects of my being. Not to mention that sobriety is not my goal. My sobriety for me is the main tool for becoming my best version of me.

So it seems that on this road there will be lot of "choosing between me and them" and I have to be prepared for that.

Hugs to all

Your 4 and a half day sober MB
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:03 AM
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Hi MB!

1st of, congrats on your 4 1/2 days! What you say is completely true. We are in a situation such where we need time for ourselves and need to help ourselves 1st. Only then can we proceed to help others.

And yes, there will be a lot of choosing between you and them, but if you look at the bigger picture, isn't it for the best? Some friends will understand what you're going through, others won't. Those who don't, don't let them take your determination away ok? You can do it! After all, SR is always here if you just want to let it all out.

I'm happy you chose to write it all here. And for that, I thank you.
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by michelebelle View Post
So this time, I am not explaining anything to anybody, if they already are not prepare to help I will not let them make this more difficult to me.
Hi MB! Congrats on four and a half days, that's awesome!
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:19 AM
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Hey--you and I are at the same point this round!

I know how hard it is to set boundaries. We have alcohol around us all of the time. I have come close but haven't ever become so sure of my sobriety that I can be in the party without drinking. I intend to get there this time though.

So hang in there and do this for yourself.

If your friend needs you to hang out, can you do it at a coffee shop?
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:29 PM
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One of the most useful things I learned early in recovery, and a concept that grows deeper and deeper for me as I grow in recovery is the idea of humility. Humility is being honest and living honest. It is about reality, unvarnished. I am neither better or worse than I am. Life is neither better or worse than it is.

I have capabilities. And I don't have to hide them, nor crow about them. I guess what I am saying is that, if I think about it, boundaries are real. There are some real things that I can do, and can't do, and I can lie, varnish, hide, parade all kinds of images and ideas, or I can just be real honest.

If you honestly can't be there for her there it is, a boundary. A REAL boundary. For me, I can't drink, drug or get into flirtaceous relationships. I can't, because I have no sense of control or proportion in those areas and my life goes all to crap when I indulge. That is my real boundary, and I'm not happy with it, and I've tried to fudge, and blur, and cheat, but reality is always the same. Humility suggests that I just be honest. It's so much simpler than trying to dress up the truth.

Humility also means I am honest about what I can do, what I can handle. Because I am just as likely to get all dramatic in the opposite direction and be all woe is me...have myself a pity party, make like my life is over, etc etc. But when I am honest. There are some great people in my life, I have some nice talents, there are things I still enjoy, and can do.

There are some people I can't hang out with anymore. There are some situations I need to say no to. There are relationships with things, people, places, experiences I had to end. That is my reality. But my reality is also that there are doors I can keep open, or open up, there are jobs I am fit for, there are ways I can be part of communities that I feel good about. There are things I can contribute.

I'm rambling now, hope this helped.
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Old 08-08-2011, 01:22 PM
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Thank you Suresh, eJoshua, Missy7, Treshold!!!

Your posts are wonderful and fill me with serenity and feeling that I am not a bad person for wanting space for my own recovery and progress. You are my "little piece of blue heaven, surrounded by heavy black rain clouds" and thank you so much for that.

My day 5 is almost over and I am going to bed with this sentence on my mind - Humility also means I am honest about what I can do, what I can handle...

I am sending you my love and hugs

MB
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:58 AM
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Hi MB! Hope you had a good sleep and have a good 6th day!

Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
For me, I can't drink, drug or get into flirtatious relationships. I can't, because I have no sense of control or proportion in those areas and my life goes all to crap when I indulge. That is my real boundary, and I'm not happy with it, and I've tried to fudge, and blur, and cheat, but reality is always the same. Humility suggests that I just be honest. It's so much simpler than trying to dress up the truth.
Threshold, thats exactly me! Things get WAY out of control if i indulge in any of those. When I read it it was like, did somebody just read my mind? Thanks for sharing, and no you aint rambling!
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:01 AM
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Thanks Suresh!

I have problems with insomnia these days too, but its ok...it will pass.

Going now to book a vacation to Egypt that I mentioned and after that straight to the gym...Yeeea

Its getting better and better, I am so grateful for staying sober that nothing else matters.

Hope you are well and wish your insomnia will end soon.

I send you my love and hugs...really appreciate you being here.

MB
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:55 AM
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One of the first things I was told by my sponsor in AA was that "No" is a complete sentence.

Happy 4 days!
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:20 AM
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Hi MB!

Glad to hear things are getting better and better. I have a plan for my insomnia. Rather than asking myself when will I be able to get better, i'm just gonna make the best out of my 'awake' time, because i know eventually the sleep will come. Its just a matter of when. Rather than worry bout it, might as well just embrace it and go with the flow. That way, at least my head doesnt worry that much. Working for me so far heh heh..

Not only that, if i go with this way, my mind keeps thinking less bout any kind of medication/herbal remedy that can help me sleep. If i keep thinking about the insomnia, all i think about is, when can i sleep normally back again? what can i take to sleep? should i go see the doctor and get a prescription? I have too much in my mind to be thinking about all that so im trying out this different approach and so far so good

Hope you find a resolution for your insomnia as well. BTW, i just realised, when we say insomnia, its kinda overrated. It isn't actual insomnia, just finding it hard to sleep, caused by long term excessive consumption of alcohol. Kinda makes me start thinking, doesnt it?
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Old 08-10-2011, 12:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Suresh View Post
BTW, i just realized, when we say insomnia, its kinda overrated. It isn't actual insomnia, just finding it hard to sleep, caused by long term excessive consumption of alcohol. Kinda makes me start thinking, doesnt it?
Yes, dear Suresh, it is just our brain starting to "function and rewire" again after being numbed by alcohol for so long and now it takes time to get used to it, like birds who always could have flied, but never tried and now have to learn to catch the wind flow

Hugs

MB
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Old 08-10-2011, 04:15 AM
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Yes MB, true all the way.. Seems we have a lot of work to do to get back to being 'normal' beings. As much as i know its a lot of work and not easy, at the end of the day, i guess i can look at the mirror and tell myself you deserve this! After all, it was me, and solely me, who got myself into this position. Now, to get myself OUT! Well, its not that easy as just going out just like that, it's a process, and i know one day, i will look back at all this and think its just one of the many lessons life has for us.

Take care MB!
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:00 PM
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Hi MB!

How have you been? Not been here in SR a while for me.. relapsed for 1 1/2 days and am back at day 7 again. at least this time i went to the psych and got medications to help me out the way.... Hope you're good!
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