sark

So I have heard of the term false starts. What exactly does this mean? I have been trying to get completely sober for weeks now. I do good at first and then I go back to it.
I have been going to an outpatient program but I don't feel it is helping. I don't know what else to do. I have been talking to somebody about my husbands death in hopes that i will start to move on but I can't seem to move forward. I know my drinking has a lot to do with the loss of my husband but I know I can't drink forever to numb the pain. I am in this awful cycle that I feel stuck in. Anyways any advice would do.

MycoolFitz

Sorry for your pain. And I know drinking to numb pain might cover but never heals. Its always there waiting. The only way I know for moving forward is by moving forward. For me I did a lot of starting and stopping. Every time I stopped the myriad reasons for my stopping jumped all over me and down the hole again. It wasn't until I was willing to feel the pain and deal with the pain was I able to begin to heal the pain. Feel/Deal/Heal. Not as easy as it sounds but until my desire and resolve for sobriety outweighed my avoidance of pain and personal misery was I able to begin to break the cycle of put down, pick up. I've got a little time now and a lot of hope. I still hurt at times, things aren't all peaches and cream but I know I can keep moving. Everyday I renew my resolve and everyday I work it. I know it can be done but it comes with a price but not a fraction of my dis-ease caused me. My best to you.

PaleMale

In recovery I have learned that the alcohol never really brings the relaxation I sought. In fact, things only got worse, as alcohol was really just avoiding my stress and allowed things to pile up and I was not addressing things or learning to accept some painful things I experienced. I learned that inside of me, is a power and will to move on, and get better.

My drinking was making me more depressed and not relaxing me and it took a long time for me to realize that simple fact!

I am so sorry for your loss.

Soberpotamus

My opinion may not be the most popular... but I can relate to your grieving... although with me it was over my mother, not a husband. You're cycling through right now maybe because you aren't quite ready to stop drinking completely. I drank more than I ever did in my 15 year drinking career AFTER my mother died... those several months leading up to my getting sober this June. Although, in my mind... I knew I was going to quit afterward. I think I just allowed myself those last few months of pain. And then it was enough. I was ready to crawl out.

Good luck, Sark. *hugs*

GettingStronger2

AA worked for me. I don't think anyone can get and stay sober alone. You need to find support from those who have been there and have maintained sobriety. I know lots of people who have done outpatient and inpatient treatment, but have not been able to stay sober.

Perhaps you should seek professional help to deal with the loss of your husband. Drinking will numb the pain for a while, but the problem is, it wears off. You have to deal with the emotions sometime. Feel, deal and heal.

1undone

Hey, I spent years saying, "this is it, I'm stopping today." only to pick up that same evening. Loss is a part of life that some of us deal with quickly and some slowly. This is your path. I know this kind of pain. It's crushing and desperate but soon the desperation to quit drinking will out weigh the pain and desperation to drink. Take things an hour at a time. In your treatment are you dealing directly with change and loss? Or is the main focus using?

We are all here for you and know your desperation. I hope that gives you some hope and comfort.

sark

I know that I have to just deal with the loss but as soon as I start to feel anything I pick up again. I have dealt with it the days that I have been sober but it is to much. My kids end up taking the brunt of my pain, anger ect...
I really dont know how to deal with it without a drink. It is not only the grief that I can't deal with but it's also the pressure and responsibilities that I have on my own now. I do have family that are near by but that is a whole other issue that I can't and don't want to deal with right now.

Thank you all for your words and for letting me vent. It's helps to know that other people understand.

JimE

(((( sark )))) I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate to grieving and drinking, that's how I got started in recovery. I was engaged and she died from this disease. I sought relief or oblivion but the grieving process was just delayed doing that. Once I got into AA and accepted the help that was offered I was able to walk through the pain and eventually accept what had happened. You have probably heard about the 5 stages of the grieving process......denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It wasn't easy for me either. I relapsed once I started AA but once I got into taking the 12 Steps things did get better. Again, my condolences.