How to deal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 11
How to deal
I think I'll be getting a dose of 'life on life's terms' here soon and I'm not sure if I'm ready to deal with it. I got 100 days sober today (what, no chip for this?? 
and the last 30 or so haven't been too bad.
I've been seperated from my wife since about 2 days before my day 1, and she left about a month ago for a long trip back home to South America, so she's kind of been....out of sight out of mind, which I think has actually helped me get through the past month, without obsessing or ruminating over what went wrong, how it's all my fault, etc.
Well, she's coming back tonight (not to me of course) and I suppose over the next few weeks we'll have to really discuss what to do about stuff. She's got her apartment and everything all set up to move into, and while I had hoped we could repair our marriage, I've come to terms that it probably ain't gonna happen. It's a bitter pill, but that's not what I'm worried about.
When she left, it was with a lot of sorrow, and we still both cared deeply about each other (or so she has said). It seems that over time, her resentments have grown stronger and she's wanted less and less to do with me. It is really sad, and perplexing to some extent. For my part, all I've really done is focused on my sobriety and offered to help wherever I could. In any case, we'll have to discuss what to with the stuff we acquired over the years and the cats, etc. (luckily no kids) and I just hope to be able to deal in a mature and caring manner.
It's not so much the stuff that bothers but its re-opening a fresh wound. I know I have no power over people places or things, but it's going to be hard to sit there and take seeing her and how the love has seemingly evaporated overnight after a 10 year union. I'm not crying victim as I certainly know I played my part, but its stilll just hard to "let go and let god" without wanting to defend myself/rationalize/etc. And the cat thing: we have two and one of our guys has been like my rock during the past several months. She had insisted before on taking the cats once she got set up in her own place, but that is going to break my heart.
Sigh....sorry it's a long post, just had to get it off my chest. I just really want to act like a grown-up in this situation but sometimes my brattiness gets the best of me and I then I regret even more later. I'm still struggling with step 3, and this is going to be a tester.
and the last 30 or so haven't been too bad. I've been seperated from my wife since about 2 days before my day 1, and she left about a month ago for a long trip back home to South America, so she's kind of been....out of sight out of mind, which I think has actually helped me get through the past month, without obsessing or ruminating over what went wrong, how it's all my fault, etc.
Well, she's coming back tonight (not to me of course) and I suppose over the next few weeks we'll have to really discuss what to do about stuff. She's got her apartment and everything all set up to move into, and while I had hoped we could repair our marriage, I've come to terms that it probably ain't gonna happen. It's a bitter pill, but that's not what I'm worried about.
When she left, it was with a lot of sorrow, and we still both cared deeply about each other (or so she has said). It seems that over time, her resentments have grown stronger and she's wanted less and less to do with me. It is really sad, and perplexing to some extent. For my part, all I've really done is focused on my sobriety and offered to help wherever I could. In any case, we'll have to discuss what to with the stuff we acquired over the years and the cats, etc. (luckily no kids) and I just hope to be able to deal in a mature and caring manner.
It's not so much the stuff that bothers but its re-opening a fresh wound. I know I have no power over people places or things, but it's going to be hard to sit there and take seeing her and how the love has seemingly evaporated overnight after a 10 year union. I'm not crying victim as I certainly know I played my part, but its stilll just hard to "let go and let god" without wanting to defend myself/rationalize/etc. And the cat thing: we have two and one of our guys has been like my rock during the past several months. She had insisted before on taking the cats once she got set up in her own place, but that is going to break my heart.
Sigh....sorry it's a long post, just had to get it off my chest. I just really want to act like a grown-up in this situation but sometimes my brattiness gets the best of me and I then I regret even more later. I'm still struggling with step 3, and this is going to be a tester.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Congrats on 100. If you want a suggestion as to why your wife seems to have so much resentment towards you, I can give you a suggestion. But again it is only a suggestion, and I am not indicating one way or the other if this is what your wife actually feels.
Sometimes when a person leaves a relationship, the resentment doesn't really grow, until they are out, and they start looking back.
Just keep taking the one day at a time, and I'm so glad the cat kept you company.
Good luck with step 3.
Sometimes when a person leaves a relationship, the resentment doesn't really grow, until they are out, and they start looking back.
Just keep taking the one day at a time, and I'm so glad the cat kept you company.
Good luck with step 3.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
It sounds to me like you're pretty darn straight on what happened and what might be happening next. Clarity is a key as is facing adversity (especially when it seems unfair) without picking back up. My wife left me the last time I was sober for a period of time and working my program. I was unprepared and folded. Now I'm sober once more, and though I'm alone, I'm working it for me. I can't go back but I can go forward. My best to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Needed to add:
the opposite of love, is indifference. If resentment is growing stronger, then feelings are still there.
But don't take that to mean that your marriage may work. Just keep doing the work that you need to do for yourself
the opposite of love, is indifference. If resentment is growing stronger, then feelings are still there.
But don't take that to mean that your marriage may work. Just keep doing the work that you need to do for yourself
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
You didn't get drunk overnight, it was over a period of time, the same with what she is going through. When I project into the future, I am playing higher power (which I call life) and life is unpredictable.
I don't know what or if you are in a program, but you mentioned a chip. AA has many useful spiritual tools which I choose to use. Pages 66-67 in the big book, may help. If you are working an AA program, talk to sponsor & others. journaling, too.
Best wishes
I don't know what or if you are in a program, but you mentioned a chip. AA has many useful spiritual tools which I choose to use. Pages 66-67 in the big book, may help. If you are working an AA program, talk to sponsor & others. journaling, too.
Best wishes
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