How old is "Old Enough to Know Better"?
 

Monday I will turn 55. I have been in many relationships that involved alcohol, and although I do not consider myself to be an alcoholic there must be some reason that I pursue relationships with men who drink. I am at a point in my current relationship that I am realizing the red flags and understanding that there must be patterns here that I am repeating. I need to stop and re-evaluate these familar feelings.

My boyfriend is raising a teenage son. He drinks in the evenings, almost as a reward to himself. Also he takes prescription meds - one of them is xanax. I am not going to give an entire book of symptoms but our relationship is becoming one of Love Avoidant vs Love Avoidant. We have spent over three years together, but living in separate homes. For the first two years I was going to his house and staying overnight. In the past year or so, some things happened that caused me to pull back. But as a result, he is investing even less in the relationship than before. I want to keep this man in my life, but why? and at what cost to my self-esteem and spiritual progress.

When I pull back and focus on myself it is ok for a few weeks, but eventually I miss him and want to "talk" which never turns out well. I am finding a lot of solace in reading these forums today. I will post again if any of my experiences are pertinent to a thread. For now, I am happy to find an outlet for my frustrations that do not involve calling my man on the phone and going off on him.

:wild

Welcome to the family.:hug:

Hi Shekni

I think a lot of the time we know what we should do...it's just finding the wherewithal to follow that through.

I know you'll find a lot of support here - check out our Family and friends forums too :)

Welcome :)
D

Al anon? Codependency anonymous? AA?
best wishes!

:welcome

Thank you, things are not looking good for the relationship.

I only found out Saturday evening that he purposely has not attempted to contact me since the previous weekend after I had given him some unsolicited advise/criticism regarding the way he was handling a boat title of all things. He said "Why bother?" when nothing he did was right according to me. There had indeed been a conversation, but in my mind it had not been serious enough to break up over... But apparently I had wounded him to the point he wanted nothing to do with me.

This time I am starting to realize that I may be better off to take his lead and let things go. Not to insist on talking or working things out. I did send him an email regarding the addiction, and admitting that I do have my own issues. I told him that he is risking his life combining the drugs with alcohol. Whether or not this even registers I will never know. I only knew that I felt that it was something I had to say, even if it's the last thing I get to tell him. Now the challenge to me will be to let it be and not attempt further contact.

It's perfectly okay to take care of yourself; in fact, it's paramount. We alcoholics and other substance abusers are pros at making you feel like whatever is wrong is something you did. But the right thing to do, for yourself first and also for him, is to take care of YOU. Everything else is outside of your control. He is; the teenage son is; his using and drinking. But what IS in your control takes courage - "courage to change the things I can" (Serenity Prayer). You can do this.