first post:help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 14
first post:help?
hi everyone, I'm so grateful for this outlet, I have such frustration right now and I feel so alone. I will cut to the chase as fast as i can because this is a long story(aren't they all?)
I'm 35& recently hit bottom when a partner broke up with me after a series of increasingly bad alcohol soaked fights. Said partner was unfaithful at the end and this has been the worst part... I have such resentment and my self esteem is wrecked. I feel ugly and unworthy at my worst (&of course that leads me to drink)... But at my best I feel hopeful and fortunate that it ended so that I could experience recovery. After I left (it was partner's home we lived in, I was the dump-ee) I experienced an awful depression in which I was suicidal and ultimately ended up in a psych ward-self committed.I have gotten back on my feet, am going to meetings and in rehab after work. I found a small apartment,and I live alone which I honestly really dislike a lot of the time! It's not the best place for someone who is prone to loneliness-depression-and of course drinking by myself. So rehab ha s been amazing and I have wonderful connections that I've found there, it really seems possible to be sober as a result. However, I have not been sober for more than 10days in a row. It's been pretty steadily a relapse about once a week, in which I'll drink 6-8 beers(strong ones) and do dumb things like text me ex and lead on all the wrong people, oh and miss work too!
I have not been honest with my rehab group, I've lied about my days sober. This sucks I know. I drank last night (alone)and I dont want to tell them. But I am so scared and frustrated. If I'm honest with myself I am lying probably to save face and run from the inevitable reality that maybe outpatient rehab isn't enough for me. Last night was a deadly combination of Hungry angry lonely and tired... So much of each that I wasn't thinking straight. Ugh I want to end this cycle so bad and just start my life! I had 8days yesterday though my group thought I had 17..... Ugh. Help?????? Thanks for letting me ramble!!!
I'm 35& recently hit bottom when a partner broke up with me after a series of increasingly bad alcohol soaked fights. Said partner was unfaithful at the end and this has been the worst part... I have such resentment and my self esteem is wrecked. I feel ugly and unworthy at my worst (&of course that leads me to drink)... But at my best I feel hopeful and fortunate that it ended so that I could experience recovery. After I left (it was partner's home we lived in, I was the dump-ee) I experienced an awful depression in which I was suicidal and ultimately ended up in a psych ward-self committed.I have gotten back on my feet, am going to meetings and in rehab after work. I found a small apartment,and I live alone which I honestly really dislike a lot of the time! It's not the best place for someone who is prone to loneliness-depression-and of course drinking by myself. So rehab ha s been amazing and I have wonderful connections that I've found there, it really seems possible to be sober as a result. However, I have not been sober for more than 10days in a row. It's been pretty steadily a relapse about once a week, in which I'll drink 6-8 beers(strong ones) and do dumb things like text me ex and lead on all the wrong people, oh and miss work too!
I have not been honest with my rehab group, I've lied about my days sober. This sucks I know. I drank last night (alone)and I dont want to tell them. But I am so scared and frustrated. If I'm honest with myself I am lying probably to save face and run from the inevitable reality that maybe outpatient rehab isn't enough for me. Last night was a deadly combination of Hungry angry lonely and tired... So much of each that I wasn't thinking straight. Ugh I want to end this cycle so bad and just start my life! I had 8days yesterday though my group thought I had 17
..... Ugh. Help?????? Thanks for letting me ramble!!!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
I appreciate your honesty. Been in & around aa for 25 years. Today, I am honest with them & me, and working with a sponsor and today is day 80.
If I ca do it, so can you. You probably aren't alone in being dishonest during group. Do you want to live or die? My higher power is Life, plain & simple.
If I ca do it, so can you. You probably aren't alone in being dishonest during group. Do you want to live or die? My higher power is Life, plain & simple.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Well, I can relate to alot. Divorced, living alone, suffered depression, anxiety alcoholism. Been out-patient, in-patient, including psch ward, hospitalized, dishonest with AA etc. It sucked but I got tired of sinking in the morass of my own making. I finally got enough sober time and work in on my recovery to see my situation a little more clearly and rationally. I had been in it so deeply I couldn't see the forest for the trees. You may want to restablish your sobriety (nothing else positive can happen otherwise) and be honest with your group. I know that's tough but they will understand. Youy need to rebuild the things that are broken so that you can move forward. About living alone now, maybe don't sweat it, that's just the way it is now. Sobriety, honesty, support, working on recovery can get you on a path that leads out of the dark. Oh, and keep reading and posting on SR. All my best to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome SueCat! Keeping secrets and being untruthful often leads to relapse. Your really not letting anyone down but yourself. Why not start with a clean slate and work from there? I bet you'll feel better about yourself and I have a feeling, your group will be supportive. Congrats on 8 days!!
Best Wishes To You!
Best Wishes To You!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 14
So true, all your words are so inspiring. the only way to see anything clearly is to sober up, even in the few dry spells I've had I begin to see things as they are-that I'm not alone and there is a whole life waiting for me.drinking is dying for me! the fatigue (major insomnia these days), fear and loneliness take over and then my addiction runs rampant. I know I need to be honest to these people who have provided such strength and hope to me... I am ashamed and again, scared. But I know the right thing to do it just sucks at the moment.
it just sucks at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Malaysia
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by SUECAT 
I am ashamed and again, scared. But I know the right thing to do it just sucks at the moment.
it just sucks at the moment.There is no reason to be ashamed, we all have done that, in a way or so. Its realizing what one has done and making the effort to change. As eJoshua elegantly put it for me, "anyday is a good day to start"
Good luck and keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Welcome, SueCat to Independence Day! One foot in front of the other, and with honesty.
Just wanted to share a little story I experienced early on. I remember being in your shoes about the dishonesty of drinking again in my early group. I decided to 'fess up, because I heard we are only as sick as our secrets. My honesty opened the door for two others to also admit they were drinking.
When the floodgate opened to honesty, we ALL benefitted in that group. We help each other. It is when I LEARNED that we are only as sick as our secrets. We get through this together.
Looking forward to seeing you around on these boards.
Just wanted to share a little story I experienced early on. I remember being in your shoes about the dishonesty of drinking again in my early group. I decided to 'fess up, because I heard we are only as sick as our secrets. My honesty opened the door for two others to also admit they were drinking.
When the floodgate opened to honesty, we ALL benefitted in that group. We help each other. It is when I LEARNED that we are only as sick as our secrets. We get through this together.
Looking forward to seeing you around on these boards.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
I think it's crucial to be true to yourself.
But, don't worry about what others think about your sober days. This is your recovery and your journey, so just focus on staying sober.
But, don't worry about what others think about your sober days. This is your recovery and your journey, so just focus on staying sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Mountains of W.N.C.
Posts: 198
Sue,
Up to a point your story could be mine, even the small apartment.
It took a little time to get use to living on my own, new location, etc.
Now, almost 90 days in & I know that I would have never made it this far had I been allowed to return to the relationship. In fact, seeing things as I do now, I really don't think I could return to it. The first few weeks were difficult, but living single has given me the room I need to work on my own issues & grow as a person.
Up to a point your story could be mine, even the small apartment.
It took a little time to get use to living on my own, new location, etc.
Now, almost 90 days in & I know that I would have never made it this far had I been allowed to return to the relationship. In fact, seeing things as I do now, I really don't think I could return to it. The first few weeks were difficult, but living single has given me the room I need to work on my own issues & grow as a person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 14
Sugarbear1, early for meetings and doing awesome work to help a fellow AA while you wait... Again totally inspiring
and suresh and wellwisher, you both speak major truths.
I am consistently amazed at how simple this process can be, and how complex I make it with my imbalanced brain! 'only as sick as our secrets' hits me pretty hard. 16+ years of using have led to so much mistrust and dishonesty. It quite literally feels like my soul is bruised from lying/covering up/burying my true feelings, it's as though I lost myself entirely and now I need to find that person and nurture her back to health!
I know it's time to heal. My higher power is most definitely making itself known, it's right here in all of your messages.
and suresh and wellwisher, you both speak major truths.I am consistently amazed at how simple this process can be, and how complex I make it with my imbalanced brain! 'only as sick as our secrets' hits me pretty hard. 16+ years of using have led to so much mistrust and dishonesty. It quite literally feels like my soul is bruised from lying/covering up/burying my true feelings, it's as though I lost myself entirely and now I need to find that person and nurture her back to health!
I know it's time to heal. My higher power is most definitely making itself known, it's right here in all of your messages.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
SUECAT,
I used to think many times - "well, if I drink, who would know?" As you are finding out, I would know, and that can be just as bad.
You don't need to be honest with anyone except yourself.
I used to think many times - "well, if I drink, who would know?" As you are finding out, I would know, and that can be just as bad.
You don't need to be honest with anyone except yourself.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Welcome SueCat! I know that feeling of literally feeling like your soul is bruised-very descriptive and accurate. I'm only at the two week point, but my soul feels so much better these days. We beat ourselves up over drinking so much we're probably creating our own bruises!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi SueCat
Welcome to SR
I agree that it's important to being true to ourselves - for me that would mean also being true with others...
whatever decision you make about your group, you'll find a lot of support here
D
Welcome to SR
I agree that it's important to being true to ourselves - for me that would mean also being true with others...
whatever decision you make about your group, you'll find a lot of support here
D
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