need advice. i'm new to sobriety and dealing with a junkie friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 120
need advice. i'm new to sobriety and dealing with a junkie friend.
Ok, so I'm on day 9 of sobriety. I have been going to meetings, starting my step work and talking with my sponsor. I feel good about being sober, but am really stressed out.
One of my friends has a serious problem with heroin. Like, has shot up 10 times a day. He kicked it for 4 days and then today was in a bad mood over something and basically threatened to overdose. I'm one of the only friends he has left...hmm, wonder why...and I feel so helpless. He's been through AA and worked the 12 steps, sponsored people in the past. It's not like he doesn't know what is right and wrong...it's just. I don't know. I've never personally done drugs like that before, so I can't imagine I guess what he's going through. But he's all like, you're doing step 12 by helping me? I fear for him and hate knowing that I'm one of the only people who can "help" him.
Any opinions or feedback at all would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm kinda freaking out.
One of my friends has a serious problem with heroin. Like, has shot up 10 times a day. He kicked it for 4 days and then today was in a bad mood over something and basically threatened to overdose. I'm one of the only friends he has left...hmm, wonder why...and I feel so helpless. He's been through AA and worked the 12 steps, sponsored people in the past. It's not like he doesn't know what is right and wrong...it's just. I don't know. I've never personally done drugs like that before, so I can't imagine I guess what he's going through. But he's all like, you're doing step 12 by helping me? I fear for him and hate knowing that I'm one of the only people who can "help" him.
Any opinions or feedback at all would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm kinda freaking out.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,418
Hi lbern
I have to say I had my hands full dealing with me when I got sober, let alone anyone else.
I know he's your friend and you care about him, but if he knows about the steps he'll know that Step 12 is step 12 for a reason - it's at the end, after you've done all the other steps, and are ready to help others.
Don't get lost in you friends troubles...I've been in relationships where the two of us floundered because I wasn't yet in a position to help...we ended up just sharing addictions.
It's not selfish to put your recovery first. Your responsibility is to yourself.
Your friend obviously knows where to get help, if he wants it.
D
I have to say I had my hands full dealing with me when I got sober, let alone anyone else.
I know he's your friend and you care about him, but if he knows about the steps he'll know that Step 12 is step 12 for a reason - it's at the end, after you've done all the other steps, and are ready to help others.
Don't get lost in you friends troubles...I've been in relationships where the two of us floundered because I wasn't yet in a position to help...we ended up just sharing addictions.
It's not selfish to put your recovery first. Your responsibility is to yourself.
Your friend obviously knows where to get help, if he wants it.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 155
Hi lbern, I wish there was a way to convince a friend or relative that they need to get clean and sober but the sad fact is, the person has to want it. I've dealt with similar situations over the years. My sister got hooked on opiates (pain pills) in the 90's and still hasn't gotten help. She resents me for getting sober and our relationship has certainly suffered.
Your friend knows about the program and what needs to take place for him to get better but he chooses to do what he's doing. A musician I used to play with was sober 6 yrs and was a drug and alcohol counselor when he went back out and died. All you can do is be a friend, let him know you care and that you hope he gets better. You can't let his actions affect your sobriety. He has to want to get clean again. Alanon might be good for you to help in not enabling him.
San Francisco Al-Anon :: Al-Anon San Francisco - NCWSA District 12
Your friend knows about the program and what needs to take place for him to get better but he chooses to do what he's doing. A musician I used to play with was sober 6 yrs and was a drug and alcohol counselor when he went back out and died. All you can do is be a friend, let him know you care and that you hope he gets better. You can't let his actions affect your sobriety. He has to want to get clean again. Alanon might be good for you to help in not enabling him.
San Francisco Al-Anon :: Al-Anon San Francisco - NCWSA District 12
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
12 step him...put him in a car with someone who has more sober time and take him to the hospital emergency room and let him sign himself in.
Step work is a lifelong journey, not a one time event.
You can't get help for someone who doesn't want it.
Step work is a lifelong journey, not a one time event.
You can't get help for someone who doesn't want it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Ibern,
From what I've observed, newcomer "sobriety pacts" are a bad idea. More likely than not, instead of propping each other up, one or both will drag the other down. You can't save someone else when you are trying to save yourself. You can, however, point them in the right direction.
You may want to ask him why he's not going back to meetings, though. From what you write, he is obviously aware of them. If the case is that he wants to quit but does not want to go back to the rooms, you might want to point him to SR, or let him know that there are other ways to quit.
From what I've observed, newcomer "sobriety pacts" are a bad idea. More likely than not, instead of propping each other up, one or both will drag the other down. You can't save someone else when you are trying to save yourself. You can, however, point them in the right direction.
You may want to ask him why he's not going back to meetings, though. From what you write, he is obviously aware of them. If the case is that he wants to quit but does not want to go back to the rooms, you might want to point him to SR, or let him know that there are other ways to quit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 120
Yeah, he's here now. I'm really worried about him...I asked him if he wanted to go with me to my meeting tomorrow morning and he said no. I'm not in any sort of "sobriety pact" with him, but he IS my friend....and I do care about him. I know that he knows better...but still uses.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Ibern, I get where you are coming from. I have over 100 days sober, and I have a friend who is in a horrible downward spiral from alcohol. All I feel I can do is listen when she tells me about her problems with booze, let her know how much better life is on the sober side, and lead by example. I see her no less than when I was drinking, but I have to keep a kind of 'shield' around me whilst spending time in her company.
I feel heartless not being more proactive - I'd love to march her off to a meeting (but I don't do AA), and have always been a bit of an emotional sponge. With this..I just can't. I can't. No one is going to suck me back into that place again - there's no danger of me drinking with her, but I can't talk her into recovery. It's just not going to happen.
I really feel for you...but please, put yourself number one. There really is NOTHING you can do. Sorry
I feel heartless not being more proactive - I'd love to march her off to a meeting (but I don't do AA), and have always been a bit of an emotional sponge. With this..I just can't. I can't. No one is going to suck me back into that place again - there's no danger of me drinking with her, but I can't talk her into recovery. It's just not going to happen.
I really feel for you...but please, put yourself number one. There really is NOTHING you can do. Sorry
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Ask him if he wants to quit, not just if he wants to go to meetings. Some people, thinking that the only choice is between drugging or meetings, will choose drugging. There are ways to quit without meetings, though.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Ibern I agree with Dee. The old airplane safety demo analogy comes to mind---when there is a problem up in the air, first course of action is putting on YOUR oxygen mask, then you can help the child sitting next to you with theirs.
I know you want to help your friend, and IMHO, the best way to do that right now is by helping yourself, and that's all you can do :-)
I know you want to help your friend, and IMHO, the best way to do that right now is by helping yourself, and that's all you can do :-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
And to add one more thing....when I was in your position, I found it easy to obsess over the person and what they were (or weren't) doing in their addiction. Not good--in early sobriety, it tends to take the focus off your recovery and the things you should be doing. Watch out for that! Hence, this is why it is just too early "help" others. Later on, with some work and time under your belt, you will be more equipped. Right now, leading by your own example (and possible detachment with love) is what you have to offer...and may even be all he needs.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Our AA meeting today was exactly about this kind of situation. You have spoken to him about what you are doing about sobriety, he knows about AA, now it it his decision to get help. Enabling him can get in the way of what God's plan is for him. You can't help him until he is ready. You are 9 days sober. Work on yourself. It is not selfish. I could barely handle the normal everyday drama at 9 days.
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