1undone

I am overwhelmed with sadness and feel very alone today. Part of me feels this way because it seems that my husband doesn't want to hear any of the bad feelings only the good. When I start to feel down and I feel in my heart it would help to talk about it I just can't. I know from past experience he will just give advice or shut down. Maybe it's just because he's worn down. Can't blame him. I'm just so over feeling this way. On my way home from a perfectly decent AA meeting tonight I was in such a funk. I got tired of hearing people talk about what their spirituality has gotten them and how with it they've grown bla bla... I'm not feeling it. I feel like drinking and I wish I could. I have my husband here so I couldn't. I've not had this overwhelming feeling to drink in a couple of weeks and thought for a bit I might be past the obsession but yet here it is again. I guess that's why alcohol is so cunning.

I wish I could feel good, I just want to escape... I was thinking about suicide on the way home to but that's just not an option - not to say I don't think about it but.... I'm just starting on a mood stableizer and it's such a low dose, I'm like UP WITH IT already. I am so tired of feeling like crap. I have a few good days and BAHM! CRUD feeling again. I know ebbing and flowing of moods is normal but not being able to talk? Not wanting to live? come on?

Not sure what the heck I'm looking for. I can type this and get it out that way so maybe I'm hoping that will make me feel better. As of right now I feel like the Tinman and someone needs to oil my mouth to get me to talk.. Only there is no oil to be found.

Anna

I hope you feel better!

I am so glad that you're trying some medication and I hope that you have patience to give it a chance to work. It could be a helpful tool for you.

I wasn't able to talk about things to my family either. They just wanted me to get better but didn't want any more involvement. It might be helpful for you to journal your thoughts and feelings and it could help you to figure things out.

stuckonstopped

Hi 1undone...I don't know how much sobriety you have but I have 99 days today. My first few weeks were like this a lot...like I had no purpose or anything to look forward to. My wife left me over my drinking, so to make matters worse I was living alone and in remorse, regret, depression, etc....I go to aa meetings and usually I always hear someone's story about how it was for them, which reminds me that in truth, I really haven't lost all that much. One thing my sponsor suggested to do when I'm feeling like you describe is to make a gratitude list. (along the same vein, if you are thinking about drinking, you might also want to make a mental list of how a drink would help your current situation). For me, it kinda helps put things in perspective and gets me out of my funk. I also like to just go run, which also seems to help, what with the serotonin boost and all.

Anyway, please hang in there. We all need other on these boards and in the rooms.

Regards,

Joe

yogaisland

I'm sorry that you're feeling down, but we are all here for you *hugs*

I had the same problem with my husband not wanting to hear the bad things or complaints. He finally explained to me that it was frustrating for him because he felt like he should be able to fix all my problems or that he was failing as a husband if I was that miserable with life. But I explained to him that when I vent about stuff, it's not that I want him to fix my life, I just want him to LISTEN. I think that was a big epiphany for both of us. Now when I vent he tries to understand that it's just me letting off steam and not me unloading problems on him that I want him to fix. Maybe you could explain that to your husband?

JimE

(((( 1undone )))) You probably heard from your doctor that mood stabilizers take time to start working effectively, maybe a couple of weeks. I was 7 yrs sober when I started taking mine. If you don't feel better in that time then you may need to try something else. I whiteknuckled mood swings and major depressions a couple of times a year those first 7 yrs sober. My sponsor at the time was old school and didn't think I should be taking any psych medications. I had to change sponsors.

Once the medication gets into your system you should feel better. I started on depakote and then lithium and now I take neurontin. I hope you start to feel better real soon. That does suck that your husband is hard to talk to. Would he be open to going with you to your next appointment with the pdoc (psychiatrist)?

You're doing good staying sober. I'm sure you know that drinking while depressed just magnifies it. I've done that enough to be an expert. Hang in there....

MycoolFitz

I'm truely sorry for your pain. I'm sorry you're not listened to or your feelings honored. Its a terrible feeling we shouldn't have to face on top of everything else, but sometimes we do. Drinking or wanting to die might seem like options or outs but they won't get your needs of being heard ans validated. Are you or have you thought about a counselor or therapist? Even if they're charging they really can listen and respond. They can even help with how to open up the home dialogue. Sobriety might not change the reality surrounding us but it can help us change the way we respond to it. I wish I had a magic wand for you--wish I had one for me. But I don't. Stay the course. Reach out. Keep reaching out. My best to you.

Threshold

Hi undone, hugs... I am feeling exactly as you describe...so I got myself out of my lonely apt, and walked over to where there is net access to get on here and get out of my head. I know using isn't the answer, and even though I wasnt' going to drink/drug...to deal (read NOT deal) with my feelings, I was going to stay home alone, binge eat, and wallow, moan, white knucke it and try to remember why it was I wanted to get sober.

I KNEW I had to get out out out of my head head head, and in this case out out out of my house house house. So...I am sitting on concrete with my computer plugged into an outlet on the outside of a building, because this is as close to a meeting as I can get. And here you are...who knows how many oddles of miles away, yet in exactly the same place! THANK YOU!

While I was sitting at my table, eating dinner, panicking about how I was going to make it through another Friday night, at least I knew this much. That no matter how yucky I might feel, using would not make anything better, and would make everything worse. I finally seem to have gotten that thought into my head.

As I sit here typing this, three bull elk just paraded by, First the big dude with antlers over four ft high, then the middle sized dude with antlers a yard high, then the smallest dude...with antlers just shy of 36 inches. I burst out laughing, hard to take myself and my issues seriously, while watching those magnificent creatures tiptoeing past as the sun sets.

Words keep running through my mind, that I heard when I first got into recovery (thank goodness I was able to attend meetings then) an addict alone is in bad company. Yup.

thanks for being here, all

Dee74

(((1undone)))

if you're so sad you're thinking about self harm, however fleetingly, maybe you need to see a Dr or counsellor again? Meds can take a while to kick in properly...

I really hope you'll feel better tomorrow

D

michelle01

My first year was difficult, good moments mixed in with bad moments. You begin to feel half okay, like maybe you are getting somewhere, then your own mind feels like it's turning against you. Everything begins to sound like a recovery slogan or cliche, you just want to 'get it' but feel in a funk.

If you can get through this without a drink, by using other coping mechanisms you have learned, you will come out stronger with it and continue another step of recovery. Each time I discovered I could survive without a drink, I felt as if I'd consolidated my recovery a bit further. It can be a struggle though, I know what your mind tries to tell you, and it persists for awhile.

It's difficult for those around us sometimes to relate. I know in my situation, I had to find some supports outside of my family... they were too close to it all to know what to do sometimes.

One thing my addictions counselor told me many times in early recovery was, the cravings always pass if you can wait them out, I'd just do anything at the time to get through them, even if it was taking it a minute at a time. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it does get better, it takes some time and working at it however. It doesn't give up without a fight along the way. You're not alone, keep reaching out.

saphira

I sent you a PM. Hope you're doing ok!!

mhealer3

what a mess, huh?
i'm ok today, but i know where u r dear lady...
and the replies i've seen here are so wonderful that i have nothing to add...
only: HOPE on...HOPE on...HOPE on...because
God is really there 4 u. He Loves u

chevygirl

i know your feeling....i have the friday night blues,,,,,i miss my drinking pals and they miss me too, its been about 3 weeks and im home alone tonight feeling sad and lonely, hopefully tomarrow morning will be a better day.....try going to doctor and getting on anti-depressant im on prozac for about year now and its helped alot

sugarbear1

I have phone numbers of otjhers in aa who are going through tjhe same things. I call them as my significant other doesn't understand from an alcoholic viewpoint, but my network understands. It's a simple, but not easy action. Today I take action.

wheresthefun

ANYBODY with ideas of suicide, no matter how fleeting, should see a Dr. or therapist ASAP! Just like everyone says, we can't beat alcoholism/addiction alone, if you are truly clinically depressed, the odds of beating that alone are slim to none. AND, a professional is very much needed, a sponsor or friend is definitely helpful - but they are not the answer for something so serious.

ajangel

I don't know what else to say that everyone hasn't said. I couldn't talk to my boyfriend at all. Good or bad. So I go on SR and go to AA. Places where I know that I can vent or say what a great day I am having. Hugs to you 1undone

1undone

Hi all, tks for the thoughtful and kind responses. Just so some of you that mentioned it know, I have a whole slew of professionals working with me. I do have hope for mor up days than down but I get so tired of this - "is this all there is?" feeling. I was floating around in my pool today trying to shake the blas and just getting so angry with myself for feeling the way I do because I am fortunate. Sometimes I think I just don't deserve the people and things I have. . I feel like my mind is broken.

Dee74

There are some great people here - you included
I think everyone here in the community deserves some good things 1undone

D

1undone

Thanks Dee. I am trying so hard to be and feel grateful.

michelle01

Not sure what stage you are at, I remember my second month feeling very blah, and the mid stages of recovery can be among the most difficult. You're past the initial feeling of excitement and accomplishment of getting sober, now looking to the whole future, that to me was very depressing and intimidating in the early days. I remember seeing people with six months or longer... wondering how on earth they did it? But in my second year now myself, there are things I'm still learning and discovering, and I'm glad/appreciative to be doing so.

I'm of the opinion if you do relapse, best thing is to learn what you can from it and keep trying. But I always regretted it when I relapsed in the middle stages of recovery (it took a very long time for me to get past two months, very frustrating). Maybe it would've been smoother if I had more support in my first attempts, I always reach out now straight away.

1undone

I will be at 90 days soon but to be honest I don't care. I feel like it's no big deal because I do look at this still as a bummer that I can't drink like "normies." I liked going wine tasting and liked being able to go out and have wine with dinner BUT it never stopped with dinner. You all know how that turns out. :/.

Drinking was no longer fun in the last year and I just mourn the days that it was. I have to be honest about this. While I have no plans to drink and know at this point it poison im really sad those days are over.