wander2

hello all,

I am recently back in AA and going to meetings. My daughter is 12 and asks a lot of questions. I have been making excuses and my wife has been backing me up but she is getting tired of the lieing. I don't know how to tell my daughter but I think I need to. Any advice would help.

Thanks
wander

least

I would tell her only what she needs to know: that you're seeking help to stop drinking because you don't like what happens when you drink. I think she'll be glad you're getting better instead of continuing to get worse.

Anna

I agree that you should tell her just what she specifically asks about.

And, show her with your actions, that you are changing.

bellakeller

My kids are still young but my DH and I have talked about Alateen when the time seems right.

How Can I Help My Children?

At 12, your daughter may be able to attend meetings that could help.

nandm

My children were 14 and 16 when I started AA. They too had questions but I was very surprised when I told them that I had a drinking problem their reaction was "we knew you did". All that time I thought I was hiding my alcoholism from them I was just lying to myself and not fooling anyone. I don't know if your daughter would be the same way or not. One thing I can say is my children have grown to love and respect me more because I am a recovering alcoholic. In the past 10 years we have had our ups and downs but not once have they ever expressed any regret that I addressed my alcoholism. Sometimes honesty is the best policy. You don't have to give the nitty gritty details but I would recommend that you be honest about having a drinking problem and that you are in recovery finding help for that problem.

HFA

My girls were 10 and 12 when I told them. I explained that I have a problem controlling how much I drink. That its not good to over drink. They were very supportive on my moves to stop. 1 year later they actually "check" on me and are very encouraging.

Taking5

She's 12. Not exactly a grown woman but she is old enough to handle anything you tell her about alcoholism. No need to get into any gory details that you might share only with your sponsor, but other than that I'd tell her anything she wanted to know.

gibson3479

I didnt read much of the other comments as this sits too close to home...I have 2 daughters 15 and 10...I can go ahead and tell you THEY ALREADY KNOW....You arent hiding anything from a preteen....SHe/he may not mention it but they know.......embarrasing and shameful right???Im female and I left my ex because of alcohol and here am in his place.Embarrassing blunt HONESTY has been what has kept my family together..Ive even went as far as to say ..."Im sorry i know mommy uses being a drunk as a method to teach you what NOT to do"...NOT FAIR.Nor am I hiding it.My children have adapted well and taken right up to guiding me in recovery..it took me to swallow my shame and allow them but at least they are seeing it without having to live it and expose THEIR Children to "its ok"......I personally (im not an expert //PLEASE note before flying off your rockers) but I think being honest will win more loyalty..my kids knew I was a drunk WAY before I discussed it...you may have hidden beer in the closet but I PROMISE they knew......maybe being blunt and treating them as a friend (as nonpolitically correct that me be) but you can develop your own bond with her/him.?????I dont really get the" only tell the what they need to know" thing simply because as a preteen they need to know EVERYTHING.[preteens now are scarily too close to being grown women....its up to us to direct them in their knowledge of that..the dr .phil in me has closed down but.....I wish you the best though.

MsCooterBrown

Yeah that was my first thought..She already knows. You will show her with actions that do speak louder than words. I think it will be a relief for her that you are seeking help. She may not express that right away..but I bet it could be an unspoken feeling. My best to you!!!

amy55

At the age of 12, you are not hiding anything from her. She already knows. I would answer all her questions. She's probably already learning about sex in school, so I would use this as a learning tool for her. Explain also, that you have a problem, and that you need to take responsibility for your own behavior, and that you are doing the work, then back it up with the action. Let her see this from your own experiences. You may just stop a future alcoholic.

SoberHooligan

Wander2, I also stopped drinking in February. My daughter is 18 and I told her about 3 weeks into my recovery. I told her I was an alcoholic, couldn't drink, it runs in our family and I'm getting help with my disease. She met with a counselor and attended a few Alanon meetings with my wife.

I can tell you it's made it much easier for me not to have any more secrets from the ones I love. Our communication is better than it's ever been and hopefully I am showing her how to deal with problems that may arise later in her life.

I know your daughter is younger but as others here have said, kids are wiser than we sometimes give them credit for.

Best of luck and good for you.

SH

lookinforward

Hey Wander. Glad to see you again!!! My best advice is be honest with her. Excuses are Lies man and every excuse digs that hole deeper and deeper. You don't want to lose that trust...it goes both ways. Man my 7 year old girl is the one who told me to quit drinking because it made me act crazy. My 14 year old boy started pulling away.....I was becoming that Dad(ALWAYS a beer in hand). They see what is going on and dont quite know how to react to your "crazy behavior". One of my biggest fears is for one of my children to follow in my alcoholic foot steps. I have chosen to lead by example. Since March 8th things are different. I am not only honest with my children about what is going on.......I am honest with myself.
Day by Day
Dave

PS Butter is the man!

PaperDolls

I echo what others have said. Tell her the simple truth.

After reading this post, I had a memory ..... from Junior High, I would have been 12 years old. I remember blurting out to a teacher that my mom drank too much and I worried about her. I was tired of seeing her drunk/passed out all the time and that she was slowly killing herself. I remember how I felt after I said it.....it was something we never talked about at home. Ever. It sort of felt freeing to admit the truth.

I guess my point is that you might be surprised at what she knows and understands.

Good luck to you!

switchboard

I feel differently about "telling" when it comes to my family. Firstly, though, I should say that I don't go to AA, but if I did I would keep that private to myself and my spouse (although I am separated now). My kids and the rest of my family know the main details of the truth - which is that I want to be healthy and stay healthy for the rest of my life, in mind and in body .. and therefore, among other healthy things that I now do, I do not drink anymore and never will again.

I don't keep anything "hidden" ... and lines of communication are always open and questions and discussions are welcome at any time .... But I guess I just don't feel that my kids need to know about meetings or any other details of how I'm handling things... Those are my issues and I feel that there would be no advantage to the situation in having the kids involved more than the happy minimum. Instead, I'd rather live by example .. They see I'm happy and sober, and they feel the happiness and relaxation in the house. No need to clutter that up with explanations about my "problem", unless they have questions or I feel something needs explaining.

Don't get me wrong though -- I'm not saying that telling them wouldn't be right either, so absolutely no offence or disrespect to anyone's feelings about talking about it. I definitely think it's important to talk about, especially to a spouse or parent or someone(s) close .. or at least here on SR ...... But, for me, IMHO, at least at this particular time, I am keeping most of it private at home .. as it feels better, easier and less stressful for everyone that way.

P.s.... Over a year sober and happy as a clam.

Symmetry

My parents kept my dad's alcoholism a secret until I was 11. I always knew something was up. I felt confused. I always knew when my dad was drunk, I just didn't know that it was an infliction of sorts. When he got sober and got in to AA my parents divorced and a bunch of AA people moved in. Then I was bombarded with information by all of these other folks. I came to my own conclusions about addiction and addicts but never never perceived my own precious father as anyone but my most beloved precious daddy.

Please do not bombard your precious daughter with any more information than she wants. She probably already knows but just wants to hear that you love her and that daddy's gonna be ok.