Shovel

Hi, I'm new on here and I wanted to reach out. I just celebrated 1 year on July 14, what an accomplishment. Honestly I thought things would be a lot better at this point but it could be worse. I'm a mid twenties stay-at-home Dad with two children. I've been doing this for 3 or 4 months and I basically put my self in this role in a passive, subconscious kind of way. I never had any career while I was drinking, and no schooling either. So, I've always had odd jobs and was never able to hold them to long. So once I got sober and went off to treatment, my wife was like a month pregnant. I thought having a second child would "help me stay sober" which its a great reinforcer... but I now realize it wouldn't have been necessary for me to stay sober like I originally thought. I had a few jobs in my early months of sobriety, then the baby was born and I quit to stay home with the kids. My pay wasn't enough anyway to cover childcare so I would have had to quit anyway. In the back of my mind though, I wanted to stay at home and not have to work. Boy have I changed my tune now. I never realized how straining on me mentally, and emotionally this would be! I have all day to be up in my head, and I call my network often but a phone call only holds me over for 20 minutes or so and its back to the head games. I pray, I read, I play video games, and I surf the web. Some days are worse than others, but lately I've been absolutely sick of what I'm doing. I haven't been thinking about drinking or anything like that but I do wish for an escape of sorts... Everyone keeps telling me, including my Father and sponsor: "YOUR RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE!" AHHH! I hate hearing that, but its probably true. I'm learning to be patient and tolerant through my children, as well with my self. By the time my wife gets home from work I'm usually off to the gym for an hour. When I'm back, shes already stressed out with the kids and tired from a long days works which puts a strain on my abilities to get to meetings. This is where my dilemma really gets shaky because she wants me to be sober, but wants me home all the time! I've suggested AlAnon, but she isn't willing to do that. So, if I go to a meeting sometimes its an instant resentment from my wife, other times shes ok with it. If I do go, she doesn't want me at the meeting after the meeting because it requires her to have to stay up late with the kids and she has to work early. I'd really like to go to more meetings, but I'm torn because I want my wife and kids to have me around. I have a hard time determing when I should sacrifice and go, or sacrifice and stay home... So confusing.

I wrote all this because I wanted to get it off my chest, and I'm sorry for the rambling and jumping from topic to topic. I have a network, and a home group, as well as a wonderful and supportive sponsor. The thing is, I'm home every day, along with my little children and my overactive brain trying to tell me BS and other things lol. I figured I'd get on here and introduce my self, and get involved since I have plenty of time to use the computer all day.

Again sorry for rambling, I just wanted to get it out as fast as possible so I didn't have time to think about what I was typing.

Thanks in advance to anyone that takes the time to read and respond. I hope to get involved here and build a whole new network of sober friends!

newwings

Hi, and welcome to SR! Phew, you've got tons of things going on here.

I'm a stay at home Mom of two girls, but they are older - 15 and 7. I remember those early days when they were both young and it was very overwhelming and tiring. I had a big network of 'go to' friends who I could moan to, and we were all in the same boat...but I know a couple of stay at home Dads and they both say it's harder because men tend not to form those kind of support networks.

You sound both a bit bored and overwhelmed at the same time. You've done a great job being sober for a year and I'm pleased that you are still working on staying that way. It's not easy, I know. Just wanted to give you a pat on the back for doing everything you can to stay there.

When the parenting roles are reversed, there's all sorts of emotions going on. You are both exhausted from doing your respective jobs, and paddling hard to keep a home and family going. Those early years were, to me, a bit hazy. Seriously hard work

If you feel the balance is 'off', is there anything you can do to change that? Do you have a babysitter or family member who can help out you and your wife to ensure you get some quality time together? Is there an online course you are interested in doing from home to keep that brain ticking over?

Anyway, I just wanted to say you are doing a great job!!!

nandm

Welcome to SR

Have you considered instead of going to the gym one or two nights a week substitute a meeting for it. That way your wife would probably be happier because she would not feel that you are taking so much time away from the family.

1undone

I remember staying home the first 4years of my sons life. It was lonely and frustrating because we had just moved 3000 miles from all my family. So support was very limited and of course moving from the East to West coast wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I was depressed and lonely but not really drinking much at all at that time. I joined a mother's group and ended up meeting one other person to spend some of my time with but no one that I felt could watch my son. It was a sad time in my life. If I had to do it over I probably would have refused to move. But that doesn't help you. Guess I'm empathizing. Staying at home is difficult and you do need to get out to do your thing too otherwise you will go nutz.

I too went to the internet to find social support after about the second year. It was very helpful but still not the same as face to face adult interaction. I think if you can find a good balance that will work for your family you'll all be happier. Have you sat down and talked about this? Maybe pull a calendar out and negociate your time? Be flexible and try everything you can to put yourself out there. I know there are now Dad type support groups - not theraputic but social during the day. Have you looked into that? Take care and my heart goes out to you.

Shovel

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate the feedback I am very overwhelmed in my current situation, but that feeling comes and goes. Just like having a good day or a bad day.. Some days are ok and others I feel like I can't do this anymore and I just want to get a real job.

One thing I know for sure is this is a major learning lesson for me. This type of stress that I'm under has got to be a great investment in to future emotional strengths. Kinda like, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Regarding the gym, that has been something I've taking very seriously and put it ahead of things sometimes. I've always been an all or nothing, black or white type of person.. So when I started exercising this go around, I went all in. Some days I think I should take it easy and stay home, or use that time for a meeting which was great advice. I'm constantly seeking that highly sought after "gray area" in life... Its a daily struggle and something I'm always trying to achieve.

Right now I'm looking in to some night college courses to make an attempt at a possible future in the work force. I'm anxious about getting out there and going to school because I haven't done anything school related since I finished high school in 2004. Thats a whole other situation though. One day and one thing at a time!

Anyway, I'm going to stick around and see how I can get involved on this forum. Its not necessarily a complete solution for what I'm going through, but I don't see how it could hurt.

Thanks for all the kind words, I really appreciate you guys reaching out and offering words of wisdom.

Thanks!

Dee74

Welcome Shovel

You sound like an all or nothing guy to me too

If you're already feeling overwhelmed I'd think carefully before committing to night college courses - it's no picnic.

I realise it's a decision for your future but it's a big commitment nonetheless: you may find you'll need to reorganise things quite a bit - and your wife will need to be prepared to shoulder some of the home weight as well.

Just some food for thought

Congratulations on your sober time - and welcome!

D

bellakeller

The black-and-white-type thinking might need some tweaking if you're going to get somewhere with your sobriety. I know it was no longer serving me once I tried to get sober. The world's not going to crack open and swallow you up if you make adjustments in your gym schedule in order to focus your sobriety. You ultimately wouldn't need a gym if you don't get sober anyway.

Best of luck with this. It's a journey.

Much love.

least

Welcome to the family.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I have learned that balance is crucial to my recovery. I used to be an all-or-nothing person and it didn't work for me.

I hope that you find what works for you.

keithj

Howdy, Shovel. You mention sponsor. Where in the Steps are you?

In my experience, that place of 'blah, life has no spark' is a symptom of untreated alcoholism. It's the restless, irritable, discontent thing. Alkies rarely stay there for long without drinking.