Suresh

Day 7

Today I got up around 11am, felt very groggy and grumpy due to the lack of sleep. Had breakfast and went back straight to sleep. Had all kinds of weird vivid dreams and sweats and got up around 4. Had lunch (at 4! can you imagine that). Found out that the visit to the psych can only be made on the 18th. For some reason, I had a very strong urge to drink today. Not drinking in particular, but getting high. I would've settled for anything, if I had listened to the devil in my mind. I knew what i had to do. Suck it up and say NO. After that, it was pretty much movies, internet, but I did do some plumbing at home, a pipe had given away and i decided to be mr.fix it and fixed it Soon came dinner time, again I was so tempted to drink, I just told myself: " Suresh, you've already come this far, do you really want to go back to square one? remember suresh, remember the shakes, the super sh*tty feeling you had on day one and 2? do you want to go back to that? What about SR? They gave you so much support and are hoping that you'd be clean, do you want to break their hope?" That few thoughts were enough to shoo away the devil.. off you go annoying bugger..

Also, I have to find other psychs because, apparently the one im supposed to go (which thank god i didnt yet, charges too expensive, MYR150 per half hour! thats like 50USD per 30mins!) only has an open slot on the 18th. My health insurance doesnt cover for things like this, so i'm on my own. Even now, i'm digging the internet on other psychs to see. I know today is going to be another long night as usual. Somehow the urge to drink is growing day by day, but fear not, i keep telling myself. My determination to stay sober is growing EVEN bigger day by day. My friend text me today, been a while since she text me. Like me, she also has a problem in drinking though she's still in denial. I told her to check SR and just be honest with yourself and admit you cannot control your drinking. After awhile she thanked me for what I said and promised me she'd check out SR. I felt good, trying to help another person.

Thats pretty much all that happened today.

That being said, guess what, i've made it past day 7 and i've made it past a week!!! Its already officially day 8 for me since its already after 12am.

And a BIG thanks to all for all the support! Couldn't have made it past 1 week without you guys! You guys rock!

Suresh

Day 8:

Today, a pretty uneventful day. Nothing much happened, Was fully awake the whole night right up to 8am, only then did I sleep and got up at 2pm and had my lunch. Been awake since, and been watching tv shows (covert affairs season 1) since. My friend came by, was talking to him and well thats about the most interesting thing that happened to me today. I have been feeling pretty low and down today, dont know why..

Going to have dinner soon and call it a night. Just dont have the mood to do anything today but to look forward to day 9. Oh, and i have a visit to the counselor tomorrow at noon. Its my 2nd visit and at least thats something im looking forward to doing wednesday. Guess the mood swings are part of the recovery process?

Suresh

Day 9: Nothing interesting or worth mentioning lol. Oh, there is one. I was sober!

Day 10: Its noon and i still am yet to sleep from last night. The insomnia is hitting me like a b*th! arggh!! Going to the doc to get diazepam (valium) is not hard, but then again, i've already abused benzos before, so i don't trust myself with it anymore. Guess i gotta go the hard way...

The bright side, at least the days are going by!

eJoshua

That's wise of you, not to risk trading one addiction for another.

I'm on a nonaddictive drug that helps me sleep and stabilizes my mood, and I've been very thankful for that. Maybe your doctor would be able to find something if you were to be upfront about not wanting anything that has the potential for abuse?

Best of luck to you!

Suresh

Thanks eJoshua! But being here in my country and in this situation is really again, a b*tch! I can personally say benzos are way more dangerous than alcohol. And to give benzos to an alcoholic, lol, in what way will he follow the prescription and taper down when the time comes? Thats definitely not happening for me.

My personal experience is with erimin 5, a benzo from japan that is all so similar to valium (diazepam), called Nimetazepam. A simple google on erimin 5 will tell you it's a WIDELY abused drug here in southeast asia, especially malaysia, singapore and thailand, worst being malaysia. Haha.. The worst part is most of it is fake, cooked right here, not the real stuff. God knows what they add into that.

I think, looking back at what ive done, i should pound my head in a wall. The laws for drugs here is very strict. Knowing that, i still abused it. I can say all this thanks to alcohol. Mind impaired, thinking i'm the king of the world. Till now i thank god i never got stopped while carrying. Even the slightest amount of any drug carries the mandatory death sentence here. It scares the s*it out of me now, but back then, drinking my way all day, i couldn't be bothered less.

Now, it just serves me as a reminder what damage alcohol can do to one.

Suresh

OR SO I THOUGHT.. as night came by, the insomnia was killing me and 1,
For some reason, convinced myself (stupid me) to have a beer to sleep as I had barely slept the night before and was feeling so so sleepy. And true enough, that thursday night and friday basically the whole day, I had about all in all 16 325ml bottles of strong beer (8.8%alc). So there went my 9 1/2 days of sobriety.

Back to Day 1 - 13/08/11
Feeling ****** over what happened, I STILL wanted to drown my feelings on alcohol but I didn't (thank god). Saturday was a ****** day, as always day 1 is very ******. I managed to pull through though. As usual, at night the nightsweats came back with a bang. Hardly slept or ate (no appetite at all) that day.

Day 2 - 14/08/11
Appetite came back, slowly but surely, and I spent most (if not all) day in bed just lying down, not wanting to go out in fear I would drink again. That worked for me for day 2. Nightsweats were almost non-existence. Vivid dreams, very much!

Day 3 - 15/08/11 - Day 5 - 17/08/11
Appetite back to normal (eating a lot). I spent a lot of time keeping myself busy, a little of exercise, lots of computer programming and gaming, the craves were there, and i hardly slept at all.

Day 6 - 18/08/11
Today I went to a psychiatrist. Told him everything, after a thorough set of questions, he said that he;s seen much worse, and told me not to get too scared about this. I voiced my concern on getting DT, and one look at me he said "you would have to be a much much more heavier alcoholic to get that, but then again, you are by defination an alcoholic, just not the extreme yet" He told me that at this point, like it or not, you must be on medication, at least for a while. Told me to keep off places that I usually go for beer (take the long road if you have to), keep off friends who drink, try to mix more with friends who understand your situation, even asked me to join AA, if possible. He prescribed mea weeks worth of two medications: Clomipramine and Clonazepam, telling me he would never prescribe anyone antabuse, unless its in a controlled environment. Was instructed to take it at night around 8pm. And i did. An hour + later, the effects of the medicine came to work its magic. Before long, I was deep asleep and wow, i can't remember the last time i had such a good sleep! But i was still getting up at night, not the so numerous times as before, but just once, to go to the loo, and back to sleep in no time (this had never happened to me before). Usually if im up it'll take me ages to go back to sleep.

Day 7 - 19/08/11
Its 6 am here and i'm already awake. Usually at this time i would be groggy and complaining, but i got up to grab a munch. I guess no matter how hard the medications work, they cant beat hunger haha. But i think its good, bringing back my sleeping patterns back to normal and not getting up at 2-5pm each day.

So thats pretty much about it. Relapsed for 1 1/2 days but have been back on track and am in day 7 already. With the medications helping, i'm sure not to pull a blunder like this again.

Wish me luck, and SORRY SR i havn't been active here a while. Was just veryy very down and wanted to be alone.

artsoul

Just glad to see you back, Suresh! It's great that your psychiatrist seems to be onboard with some of the addiction issues - and way to go for getting honest!

Keep up the good work!!

eJoshua

Hi Suresh!

Glad you came back, I've been thinking of you.

Suresh

How have you been eJoshua? good im sure!

Suresh

I for one can hardly talk to my parents about anything, and even then i opened up to them and poured my heart out. So this is nothing for me.

BASEjumper

Good Luck Suresh, it happens that people stumble a bit on the road to sobriety. I think you're doing great, just stay focused

CaiHong

Hi Suresh,
I live and work in Asia and find it hard to get to AA meetings but I found this website that really helps.
On-Demand RecoveryTV Addiction Recovery Resources
All the best
CaiHong

Suresh

Thanks for the link! A better one for me is: Alcoholics Anonymous Malaysia . But honest be told, I've been to two meetings, and its somewhat just not my thing. I know it works for a lot, but for me, not just right now. I have a problem voicing out my heart in front of a lot of people.