bayliss

How can I seriously not drink...why am I such a failure at this? I can't do it...ugh. I feel like I can't... :'( I feel like crying - screaming!!!
I drank all weekend. Drank in the morning, at lunch, in the afternoon, in the evening. Drank and took pills at the same time to get a bigger buzz since the alcohol content on some of the booze I had was fairly low.
I am depressed. I hate the wine, but I can't stop. Another night of massive epic failings.

I went somewhere with some friends over the weekend...I couldn't get a large enough buzz when we went on a road trip. I was a super huge sore loser...I just wanted to leave...go home...I didn't want to be near anyone...and as I walked around while we were getting gas {because I couldn't stand to sit around anymore} I thought to myself...is this in all seriousness who I am whilst sober? A super huge b****? And that's how I felt...if i had drink in me I would want to probably road trip half the country and not care!
What is wrong with me?
Why am I my own worst enemy in my head? Why do I have to constantly argue with myself.

Yes, I was gone for a while...I haven't been on the forum since Thursday or Friday - I can't even remember...
I feel like I disappointed myself and all of you...
When does it get to the point where you keep relapsing and people just stop caring...look at you and say "Geeze, she/he doesn't have it in them..lost cause..."??
And when you're categorized as a "lost cause"...then what?
Where does that leave you? What is the point anymore...
What is the point anymore when everyone around you keeps saying "You seem so different..." and you KNOW that it's because of the stupid f**king booze.
What is the point where you sit there and have perpetual headaches/hangovers...arguments with your significant other...family??
Or when you go out and you have made a fool of yourself once before around your friends and they look at you, are pretentious and think you're a crazy...a person that is uncontrollable...that doesn't do anything but drink...

I don't know. I needed to vent. So depressed. So disappointed...
So sad right now.
Ashamed, really.

Hope everyone is doing better then I am....

Sorry to be such a sore loser...lol.

Terminally Unique

There are no lost causes. Try again. Never, ever give up.

sugarbear1

Thanks for reminding me that I'm not where I was.

Soberpotamus

Bayliss... I'd try to put out of my mind what others are thinking. Let people think whatever they will... they're going to anyway. And if you're the one telling youself you're the lost cause... well, stop it. Like AVRT said... there are NO lost causes.

You can do this. You are not crazy and out of control. You are addicted to alcohol. It's an addiction and you can stop it.

Eddiebuckle

Bay,

Each of us has to get to a place where it's more painful to stay the same than to do all that is necessary to change. You are not a loser, you're just not there yet. Clearly something is missing in your program - have you considered what it might be?

Hang in there - you can do this.

Edd

DisplacedGRITS

I get the feeling that you're not a total b*tch sober. How long had you been sober? A day, a week, a month, a year? It took us forever to become alcoholics and mask our inner, beautiful selves. It will take a while for that true person to reemerge. I know I have intensely craved a drink and the alcoholic raged. When I got what I wanted, I acted happy because the alcohol brat won. Well, we all must put that big baby in a corner and letting it whine while our true selves, the one we and everyone around us loves, gets to shine again. It's going to scream and shout and it may get to us but in the end, we're bigger, stronger and more resilent.

Good luck. The alcoholic us is at our meanest when the pull is strongest. Be stronger and believe.

Dee74

I remember my last days of drinking - I was so confused, so conflicted...so unhappy.
It's important to put the drink down...stop the cycle...and it's important to reach out and get help to stay sober.

It's never too late Bayliss - I hope you'll try again

D

eJoshua

Hi Bayliss,

I'm sorry to hear about your rough weekend.

I felt like people were looking at me like I was a lost cause for a long time. Turns out it was all in my head. Most of the people in my life were concerned about me, but nobody had given up hope.

I hope you know that you are worth it. You can do it. It's not easy, but I can assure you that you are certainly not the one alcoholic in the world that cannot recover. You are not a lost cause. Quit telling yourself that, because it's not true.

Don't worry about disappointing anyone here, my goodness! We're a bunch of addicts and alcoholics, how can you possibly disappoint us? We've all been there before, we all know what you're going through.

Best of luck to you, we're always here to listen.
-Josh

NoelleR

A couple of things came to mind when I read your post here, bayliss.....

When I was a newcomer to recovery, there were a bunch of cutesy acronyms for AA (obviously, actually standing for Alcoholics Anonymous), my favorite being AA=Attitude Adjustment. That was drilled into my oft-time, negative head, on an almost daily basis by my sponsor, who also liked to call me and my best-bud in early recovery the 'those two' referred to in the line in how it works.....: "...There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional
and mental disorders..." .............LOLOL.....Well, I guess it musta worked (or at least something did), cause me and my best-bud just celebrated 25 years of continuous sobriety.........who'd 'a thunkit........... (o:

A number of others here have mentioned, and I'll chime in with them.....pleeze, pleeeeeeeze, at least try to, stop with the negative thoughts regarding yourself and your recovery. Another thing I learned, or at least remembered, in early recovery is..............:

There's a fundamental law by which the universe operates. This law/principle can be called, "The Law Mind Action," and it states, "Thoughts held in mind, produce after their kind," and has been expressed through the ages as.....:

1) as a man thinks in his heart, so is he;
2) as you sow, so shall you reap;
3) what goes around, comes around;
4) as you give so shall you receive;
5) I think therefore I am;
etc., etc., etc......

A key idea here is that cause precedes effect: seeds-plants-fruit; a happy attitude-a happy day.

I'm also a firm believer in denials and affirmations. Now I'm not saying to deny truths and/or affirm fantasies.....more along the lines of deny untruths and affirm truths (which I had jumbled in my mind). An example of this could be to deny.....: I am NOT a failure; and to affirm......: I may fall down seven times, but I WILL get up eight times. A key thing to remember with denials and affirmations is that denials create a vacuum in consciousness which need to be filled with positive thoughts and feelings. We can have more positive thoughts (affirmations) than negative thoughts (denials), but for every denial, we need at least one affirmation.

Sooooo, perhaps some of this may help you (or anyone, even). I think I sometimes I post things that I need to hear/read/remember.....

A couple of affirmations to start off the day (for you, and for me, and for anyone and everyone)..... 1) today is a good day; 2) I will connect with other sober folks today; 3) I will be sober today.......................


(o:
NoelleR

betterlate

Yes, all those things.

adore79

Hi bayless thanks for posting and sharing how you feel. A lot of us have been there and felt that immense frustration when faced with what looked like an impossible decision: to get sober. Just know that there are people here who will never give up on you. SR is one support group you can rely on. Finding other support groups is also very beneficial. When we are so confused and our minds dark and foggy from addiction it is hard to know how to proceed- you can learn how to proceed by following the advice of trusted people who have been there before. Good luck

instant

Does criticising yourself help you to find a way forward?

You only lose if you give up trying

it is worth it

Good Luck

H3art

Yes, I agree with instant, at least you are trying to take your life in a new direction. Despite all of the negative feelings associated with this en devour, you keep trying! Heck I have quite with the intention to do it forever about 100 times now and each time I learn something new and become stronger. Everyone's journey is different, but one thing is for sure, the road is bound to be bumpy.

Today is a new day! Embrace it, and try to think of one new and/or additional aid you in your battle. Group Hug!

bayliss

I just want to say thanks to everyone who replied to my post...I was quite the mess yesterday! I was emotional and just felt like I had no one in my corner to back me up but I was wrong because I have all of you guys. So I am immensely appreciative and grateful for all who posted.

I understand I gotta pick myself up again and keep trying - it is very frustrating...I know that at times it feels like it's too hard and you want to give up but I do have an renewed zest for quitting the next day...I also need to remind myself that I am not only doing this for myself but for loved ones as well.

It's very true that battling alcohol can be a lonely process...especially if you're trying to do it on your own and the people surrounding you on a daily basis just don't understand think that it is "easy" to just "stop". Well, it isn't.
The anxiety...the frustration, the yearning, the wanting...the needing...it can sometimes just come at you like a ball of fire out of NOWHERE - especially when you are having a particularly stressful day.

I am trying. I am working on it and I will keep trying until I am finally strong enough to stay sober for an entire friggin weekend. That is my obstacle and that is what derails me a lot of the time.

Too bad there isn't some sort of magic pill you can take where it make you not crave alcohol and not want it...

I guess it's another day...and that's all it is...and tomorrow can be better...I just need to work on it...and it will...one day it won't be such a process, and it won't be as hard.

I just want to point out what Instant said: does criticizing myself help? Sometimes it can...if I beat myself up about procrastinating, or doing something wrong, well, then I am more apt to try and be better.
I realized when I read all of your guys' posts/replies that I really just went over the deep-end and I need to deal with my stress and frustration a different way.
And it did feel hella good to vent.
If I vent to loved ones they get angry...think it's "easy" for me to stop...and if I don't, then massive disappointment from them ensues.
This is why I came here when I was at my low point yesterday...

But once again - thank you, thank you THANK YOU to everyone! I know I can always rely on SR. You guys are awesome!

bayliss

Sorry Sugarbear -what do you mean?

aasharon90

Recieving the tools and knowledge of ur
addiction is a good start. I had no idea
what or where alcoholism came from until
I was educated on it.

Everyone had a different body system and
everyone is affected by drugs or alcohol
in different ways.

Educate urself on addiction and make some
changes in ur life for a happier sober person
in life and recovery.

Turn the negative to a positive.

Jeff63

First of all, don't for a minute think you let us down. We are nobody to you, just pixels on a screen. So that should never, ever cross your mind. And like it was said earlier, thank you so much for reminding me where I was. However, maybe you need some help, more than a post or two on a forum. Have you thought of rehab? So you can learn healthy habits and try to get to the triggers of your drinking? If you're ashamed and embarrassed, want change. Feed off those feelings and do something about it! It doesn't make you a loser, it just makes you human, like me. It's not a failure, it's a lesson, emotional reinforcement. An experience you can use to help someone else when you are clean and free!!!!!

Come on now, YOU CAN DO THIS!

sugarbear1

Yeah, I had a hard time understanding simple sentences, too. Had. Not so much today.
I don't feel like you did now. 77 days sober today, but 79 days ago I could have written that.

I surrendered and accepted my disease and I am feeling different and more sober each new morning. If I can stay stopped, so can you! Best wishes!

It takes at least 1 hour for each ounce of alcohol consumed to leave the body. Most likely nightly drinking means you are not sober, even a minute.

bayliss

Thanks everyone...it's going to take some time. But I won't give up.

sugarbear1

Not drinking is contentment for me. I don't feel like a mess today.