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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 89
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I’ve been lurking here for over a month. I can cut and paste bits and pieces of many stories here and call them my own. I started drinking when I was 15. I never questioned my drinking as a problem until a year ago. There were a lot of stressors in my marriage in addition to back-to-back babies. That’s when my drinking really started increasing in amount and frequency. With my increased drinking and low outlook on my life, I had an affair after 19 years of marriage. After my husband found out, I started drinking even more. One evening I took some old prescription meds in the cupboard to try to go to sleep so I wouldn’t have to deal with my husband’s anger when he got home (from drinking with friends). I got a nice ride to the ICU. After being released from the hospital, I was labeled an alcoholic, clinically depressed, and suicidal. What commenced were months of intense counseling, AA, and marriage counseling. I rejected AA and the all the labels that were put on me. I stayed sober for 45 days, then turned to moderation. Fast forward to today (or a month ago when I started lurking here), and I realize that my drinking is not under control. I can drink a lot of wine…every night…and still go to work the next day. Some of the worst fights with my husband have been within the last year and all of them were under the influence of alcohol (on both our parts, actually).
For some reason I do not know, one day recently I had some sense of clarity on the situation. Looking back, there have been SO many bad things I have done or that have happened to me when I was drinking—going back to when I was 15—too many things to go into here. Why did it take me 20 years to see this? So it was a couple weeks ago that I made a conscious decision to stop drinking on August 1…forever. I sealed my commitment by going to an AA meeting.
Last night I went to AA after 24 hours of sobriety. I saw an AA friend who entered the program last year around the time I did. She immediately embraced me and welcomed me. She was genuinely glad to see me. She’s been sober over a year. She looked so happy and at peace and had such a natural beauty about her I was instantly jealous. We didn’t have much time to catch up because she was the secretary of the meeting. She did, however, manage to tell me about another woman who was in the program around the time we were. She started drinking (I do not know details) and hung herself two months ago. Chills ran up and down my spine and I fought back tears. I sat through yesterday’s meeting in a daze. I hung on every word that every person said. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I am mentally exhausted and want to sleep but my body seems to be full of nervous energy.
It’s time to get my life back. Today is my day 2.
For some reason I do not know, one day recently I had some sense of clarity on the situation. Looking back, there have been SO many bad things I have done or that have happened to me when I was drinking—going back to when I was 15—too many things to go into here. Why did it take me 20 years to see this? So it was a couple weeks ago that I made a conscious decision to stop drinking on August 1…forever. I sealed my commitment by going to an AA meeting.
Last night I went to AA after 24 hours of sobriety. I saw an AA friend who entered the program last year around the time I did. She immediately embraced me and welcomed me. She was genuinely glad to see me. She’s been sober over a year. She looked so happy and at peace and had such a natural beauty about her I was instantly jealous. We didn’t have much time to catch up because she was the secretary of the meeting. She did, however, manage to tell me about another woman who was in the program around the time we were. She started drinking (I do not know details) and hung herself two months ago. Chills ran up and down my spine and I fought back tears. I sat through yesterday’s meeting in a daze. I hung on every word that every person said. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I am mentally exhausted and want to sleep but my body seems to be full of nervous energy.
It’s time to get my life back. Today is my day 2.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome! I can relate quite a bit to your story- especially the marriage issues and back-to-back babies. Add a few other things into the mix, like insomnia, depression and ADD...... and alcohol became my reward and my medicine.
I was in my 30's by the time I realized it was becoming a problem, but I believe it would have happened sooner or later. Looking back I don't think I ever was a social drinker (have a couple and go home).
Congratulations on day 2! It may take another couple days before you feel sane again, but it will come. For me, the obsession was the worst part - coming here and reading helped me keep my focus. I feel like a different person today than when I was drinking every night and never want to go back, even though at that time I couldn't imagine living without alcohol.
Stick with us (and AA) - life will just keep getting better!:ghug3
I was in my 30's by the time I realized it was becoming a problem, but I believe it would have happened sooner or later. Looking back I don't think I ever was a social drinker (have a couple and go home).
Congratulations on day 2! It may take another couple days before you feel sane again, but it will come. For me, the obsession was the worst part - coming here and reading helped me keep my focus. I feel like a different person today than when I was drinking every night and never want to go back, even though at that time I couldn't imagine living without alcohol.
Stick with us (and AA) - life will just keep getting better!:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 89
Thanks, Artsoul!
I went to another AA meeting today. I haven't had a craving yet...but I am not that smug to think I won't. I know they are there waiting to tempt me and that is what scares me. Fighting the craving.
This place is going to be my rock for a while!
I went to another AA meeting today. I haven't had a craving yet...but I am not that smug to think I won't. I know they are there waiting to tempt me and that is what scares me. Fighting the craving.
This place is going to be my rock for a while!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Welcome Sindy (love your username lol) That's really sad about the woman who hung herself-that must have really shaken you up to hear that. Glad your friend was doing so well to kind of balance that kind of bad news. You've found a great place to come for support and just to feel you're not the only one. We're everywhere! It's very comforting to hear others express exactly what you've been feeling and experiencing. Good luck!
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