38 days...why continue???
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
38 days...why continue???
I am clean 38 days... why struggle on? My bills are paid, I go to work everyday without fail, My work quality is unaffected, I go to dinner with friends that are sober or not....I give the love, respect and loyality, as always to friends and family wether they are sober or not. . They return the love I give them. with one exception.
The one exception of my friends is my problem....I got clean for myself, the high cost of getting high, and very importantly to secure a friendship that was very important to me. A person that was very important to me, and did not want to lose from my life. I knew there could be no continuation of our bond if I continued to use.
We met a year and a half ago. We connected at a time that was very difficult for both of us. We opened up to each other on many levels and listened, laughed, cried, Told each other secrets we never told others. Asked each other for help, exposed ourselves mentally and physcally to one another. We pushed each other when it was needed and comforted each other when life kicked us down. We acknowledged the things that improved by knowing one another. The one thing we came to each other with that we didn't overcome was addiction. We vowed to remain friends after our battles with it. He went off to rehab and I got clean on my own while he was an inpatient.
He won't meet for a bite to eat, talk on the phone, an ocasional email....He says now I am not his friend, I never was. He doesn't want to be near me. He never wants to see me or hear from me. I do not exist. His words are full of anger and denies that all of our past wasn't anything more than what he did in the name of addiction. No acknowledgement of being friends, no friendly support of my sobriety, no attempt at kindness.
I could understand if I was still using ....but I am 38 days clean and he says he has not a single emotion in himself for me.
Why struggle anymore ...I just wanted some approval or encouragement from my friend. Former friend now . I am happy he is sober but his callousness sickens me and breaks my heart....and he knows this. How does he live with himself and the lie that we were never friends?
You can all jump on me about his own sobriety beng so important now and excuse his behavor......and that I should concentrate on my own sobriety....but truth is never unimportant and should not be , kindness is always human and should be practiced, and the past is not erased as easily as turning off a switch.
The one exception of my friends is my problem....I got clean for myself, the high cost of getting high, and very importantly to secure a friendship that was very important to me. A person that was very important to me, and did not want to lose from my life. I knew there could be no continuation of our bond if I continued to use.
We met a year and a half ago. We connected at a time that was very difficult for both of us. We opened up to each other on many levels and listened, laughed, cried, Told each other secrets we never told others. Asked each other for help, exposed ourselves mentally and physcally to one another. We pushed each other when it was needed and comforted each other when life kicked us down. We acknowledged the things that improved by knowing one another. The one thing we came to each other with that we didn't overcome was addiction. We vowed to remain friends after our battles with it. He went off to rehab and I got clean on my own while he was an inpatient.
He won't meet for a bite to eat, talk on the phone, an ocasional email....He says now I am not his friend, I never was. He doesn't want to be near me. He never wants to see me or hear from me. I do not exist. His words are full of anger and denies that all of our past wasn't anything more than what he did in the name of addiction. No acknowledgement of being friends, no friendly support of my sobriety, no attempt at kindness.
I could understand if I was still using ....but I am 38 days clean and he says he has not a single emotion in himself for me.
Why struggle anymore ...I just wanted some approval or encouragement from my friend. Former friend now . I am happy he is sober but his callousness sickens me and breaks my heart....and he knows this. How does he live with himself and the lie that we were never friends?
You can all jump on me about his own sobriety beng so important now and excuse his behavor......and that I should concentrate on my own sobriety....but truth is never unimportant and should not be , kindness is always human and should be practiced, and the past is not erased as easily as turning off a switch.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((SweetB))) - no, the past can't be turned off like a light switch, but there are some things that are meant to be left in the past.
I won't deny it hurts..a lot. The man who said he wanted to marry me, who would be forever at my side, decided he liked crack (our mutual DOC) more than me, when I got clean. I had to deal with the grief then, and I had to deal with it again when he died.
You mention having bills paid, working, etc. now. Most addicts can do that for a while, I know I did, even when I was using..until I couldn't. I reacted to how other people treated me, for years, while I was developing my addiction. When it hurt, I wanted to get numb.
I've promised myself that I will never allow anyone to have that much power over me again. It did take over 38 days to get to that point, though, I'll admit. I had to learn about codependency in addition to addiction and am in recovery for both.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I won't deny it hurts..a lot. The man who said he wanted to marry me, who would be forever at my side, decided he liked crack (our mutual DOC) more than me, when I got clean. I had to deal with the grief then, and I had to deal with it again when he died.
You mention having bills paid, working, etc. now. Most addicts can do that for a while, I know I did, even when I was using..until I couldn't. I reacted to how other people treated me, for years, while I was developing my addiction. When it hurt, I wanted to get numb.
I've promised myself that I will never allow anyone to have that much power over me again. It did take over 38 days to get to that point, though, I'll admit. I had to learn about codependency in addition to addiction and am in recovery for both.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 484
Sounds to me like your friend is being fed a bunch of stuff in rehab. It hurts, I know, but ya' gotta' move on dude. You can just use drugs because someone has let ya' down. If that was the case, I'd be high every second of every day.
It's tough, but you'll pull through it.
Why continue? Well just think about why you quit in the first place. That's a pretty good reason, isn't it?
It's tough, but you'll pull through it.
Why continue? Well just think about why you quit in the first place. That's a pretty good reason, isn't it?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I know it's hard when someone you love decides to leave you in their past. I've been there.
Once I would have drank, destroyed myself, probably even made a nuisance of myself to them.
Now I simply accept that some things, like Amy said, are best left in the past.
My apologies if that sounds cold - it's just the way it is...I can't make people love me, or forgive me, or even always see me the way I want to be seen.
Continue with your sobriety - because it's yours.
It's not dependent on what other people think or what they do to you, SweetB...or it shouldn't be.
You deserve sobriety and you deserve a good life. Don't let this drive you to give up on either
D
Once I would have drank, destroyed myself, probably even made a nuisance of myself to them.
Now I simply accept that some things, like Amy said, are best left in the past.
My apologies if that sounds cold - it's just the way it is...I can't make people love me, or forgive me, or even always see me the way I want to be seen.
Continue with your sobriety - because it's yours.
It's not dependent on what other people think or what they do to you, SweetB...or it shouldn't be.
You deserve sobriety and you deserve a good life. Don't let this drive you to give up on either
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
If you started using/drinking again, and he didn't come around... well, that would be a tragedy. If you started using/drinking and even if he did come around... still, that's a tragedy.
Does using/drinking make sense in either case?
Does using/drinking make sense in either case?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
SweetB - I'm sorry for the hurt you're experiencing. It certainly is a bizarre attitude for him to take, & I can't imagine what the cause of it is. Maybe he's embarassed for opening up and exposing so much of himself to you. It sounds like he isn't even the same person he appeared to be when you were together.
I've been thrown off course by such things in the past, and deeply regret allowing another person to have that much power. In your heart, I'm sure you realize your own health and well being is more important than anything. I hope you'll begin to heal from this hurt without giving up all you've worked for.
I've been thrown off course by such things in the past, and deeply regret allowing another person to have that much power. In your heart, I'm sure you realize your own health and well being is more important than anything. I hope you'll begin to heal from this hurt without giving up all you've worked for.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
SweetB, I'm sorry that you have lost your friend and that you are hurting so much.
I have a belief that not all friendship/loves are forever. Some of the best friends I have had showed up in my life for a brief time and then they were gone. That doesn't mean that I cared any less, but they are still a part of me.
I have a belief that not all friendship/loves are forever. Some of the best friends I have had showed up in my life for a brief time and then they were gone. That doesn't mean that I cared any less, but they are still a part of me.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
I read this book recently called The Five Things We Cannot Change and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them by David Richo.
This has helped me accept some things in life I found just unacceptable. Reading this book challenged many of my previously-held beliefs and led me to more peaceful way of living.
Here's an excerpt.
"The Givens":
Intro:
"There are five unavoidable givens, five immutable facts that come to visit all of us many times over:
1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time. (This one was a biggie for me)
These are the core challenges that we all face. But too often we live in denial of these facts. We behave as if somehow these givens aren't always in effect, or not applicable to all of us. But when we oppose these five basic truths we resist reality, and life then becomes an endless series disappointments, frustrations, and sorrows."
Intro XIX:
"Although everything changes and ends, things renew themselves and move through cycles that further evolution.
Although things do not always go according to plan, we sometimes sense a larger plan at work synchronicity that opens startling possibilities.
Although life is not always fair, something in us remains committed to fairness and refuses to be unjust or retaliatory.
Although suffering is part of life, we have ways of dealing with it and thereby we expand our powers to handle future pain and help others in their pain.
Although people are not loving and loyal all the time, nothing has to get in the way of our acting with loving-kindness and not giving up on others.No human action can take away another human being's capacity to love."
I don't know if this is at all helpful. It did help me so much - just thought I'd throw it out there.
Much love.
This has helped me accept some things in life I found just unacceptable. Reading this book challenged many of my previously-held beliefs and led me to more peaceful way of living.
Here's an excerpt.
"The Givens":
Intro:
"There are five unavoidable givens, five immutable facts that come to visit all of us many times over:
1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time. (This one was a biggie for me)
These are the core challenges that we all face. But too often we live in denial of these facts. We behave as if somehow these givens aren't always in effect, or not applicable to all of us. But when we oppose these five basic truths we resist reality, and life then becomes an endless series disappointments, frustrations, and sorrows."
Intro XIX:
"Although everything changes and ends, things renew themselves and move through cycles that further evolution.
Although things do not always go according to plan, we sometimes sense a larger plan at work synchronicity that opens startling possibilities.
Although life is not always fair, something in us remains committed to fairness and refuses to be unjust or retaliatory.
Although suffering is part of life, we have ways of dealing with it and thereby we expand our powers to handle future pain and help others in their pain.
Although people are not loving and loyal all the time, nothing has to get in the way of our acting with loving-kindness and not giving up on others.No human action can take away another human being's capacity to love."
I don't know if this is at all helpful. It did help me so much - just thought I'd throw it out there.
Much love.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I learned a long time ago that when I put expectations on someone else I was setting myself up for failure. No matter how much someone may care about us they are only human and by nature have flaws.
I am sorry for your loss. It is a very painful thing to go through and especially in early sobriety while your emotions are so raw. You may not believe it or feel it right now but in the long run by not giving up you will find yourself stronger in the end. You will have learned that even in the face of such pain you were able to take care of yourself and stay sober.
People come and go from our lives. I have learned that each person has been in my life at the right time for that person to be there. Some have stuck around through the years and some have left long before I felt it was time. But ultimately each taught me a little about life, love, and myself. There is a saying about seasons and friendships that is so very true. I wish I could think of what it is exactly but it basically says that some people are in our lives for just a season some during the Spring when all of life is new and blooming, some during the heat of the summer when life is full of heat and playfulness, some during the Fall when there is beauty to be found everywhere, and some during the winter when we are faced with coldness and the harshness of the world. Each person is there exactly during the season they are needed. If we find one person who is there for all the seasons we should consider ourselves quite blessed as they are a true friend. We should not regret those that have been there during the other seasons because we gained something by having them in our lives at that time just as they gained something by us being there. Seasons have to change and friendships are no different.
I am probably rambling here so I am going to end this by saying please consider yourself fortunate that this person was there during a time when they were needed to help you grow and get past the difficulties you were facing at the time. But there is a time when to continue to grow we sometimes have to let others go, it sounds like with this person it is time for that. This definitely is not worth giving up what you have worked so hard to gain.
I am sorry for your loss. It is a very painful thing to go through and especially in early sobriety while your emotions are so raw. You may not believe it or feel it right now but in the long run by not giving up you will find yourself stronger in the end. You will have learned that even in the face of such pain you were able to take care of yourself and stay sober.
People come and go from our lives. I have learned that each person has been in my life at the right time for that person to be there. Some have stuck around through the years and some have left long before I felt it was time. But ultimately each taught me a little about life, love, and myself. There is a saying about seasons and friendships that is so very true. I wish I could think of what it is exactly but it basically says that some people are in our lives for just a season some during the Spring when all of life is new and blooming, some during the heat of the summer when life is full of heat and playfulness, some during the Fall when there is beauty to be found everywhere, and some during the winter when we are faced with coldness and the harshness of the world. Each person is there exactly during the season they are needed. If we find one person who is there for all the seasons we should consider ourselves quite blessed as they are a true friend. We should not regret those that have been there during the other seasons because we gained something by having them in our lives at that time just as they gained something by us being there. Seasons have to change and friendships are no different.
I am probably rambling here so I am going to end this by saying please consider yourself fortunate that this person was there during a time when they were needed to help you grow and get past the difficulties you were facing at the time. But there is a time when to continue to grow we sometimes have to let others go, it sounds like with this person it is time for that. This definitely is not worth giving up what you have worked so hard to gain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
SweetB, your friend's attitude does seem hard to figure. I could understand if he were to say to you that, because of your shared past, any contact with you is a trigger for him. However, it does seem cold for him to deny that there was anything meaningful between you. So I totally understand you feeling hurt.
It may be presumptuous of me to respond since I am not an addict. Instead I am the mom of a young gay man who has struggled with crystal meth addiction. So my experience is from the outside looking in- I hope that you are not offended that I am responding even though I don't have personal experience. However, I can tell you what I have seen with my son and what he has shared with me. Crystal will take you DOWN - it may not happen overnight, you may be able to maintain for a good while, but eventually it will catch up with you.
Also, it can take a while to see the benefits of sobriety- although 38 days is a great accomplishment, you are still healing.
I hope that you will give it time before deciding that sobriety isn't worth it.
It may be presumptuous of me to respond since I am not an addict. Instead I am the mom of a young gay man who has struggled with crystal meth addiction. So my experience is from the outside looking in- I hope that you are not offended that I am responding even though I don't have personal experience. However, I can tell you what I have seen with my son and what he has shared with me. Crystal will take you DOWN - it may not happen overnight, you may be able to maintain for a good while, but eventually it will catch up with you.
Also, it can take a while to see the benefits of sobriety- although 38 days is a great accomplishment, you are still healing.
I hope that you will give it time before deciding that sobriety isn't worth it.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Give time time.
I personally think 38 days is nothing. After a year, he may return. Anything & everything i put in front of my sobriety, i have lost. I fought this for 25 years.
I don't make any person my world anymore. Today, i am worth more to myself sober.
Rehabs suggest no relationships the first year of sobriety as this is not in the aa big book.
Get sober for you. I was miserable drinking & using.
I personally think 38 days is nothing. After a year, he may return. Anything & everything i put in front of my sobriety, i have lost. I fought this for 25 years.
I don't make any person my world anymore. Today, i am worth more to myself sober.
Rehabs suggest no relationships the first year of sobriety as this is not in the aa big book.
Get sober for you. I was miserable drinking & using.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: AL
Posts: 24
I thought I would share but it may not be as helpful as others who posted here. But, for a long time (and still working on it) I thought God did the same thing to me. I thought we had a special relationship and then I thought he turned his back on me. It hurt...a lot... and I found coping in a bottle. Eventually I could accept what had happened but by then alcohol controlled me and not the other way around. You have to take care of you, finding a way to deal with the pain other than facing it is only hurting yourself more. )))hugs((( I am so sorry you were treated that way but please know you are worth staying sober and drug free... regardless of someone else's behavior.
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
I want to thank you all for taking the time and showing your concern for me. When I see such an outpouring of heart felt support with all of you sharing experiences that parralelel mine, I can feel your sincerity and empathy.
I will have to move on, but I am heartbroken. I will take time to heal. About 6 months before I met him, I was left by my life partner of 15 years for a younger man, had a serious decline in some areas of health, turned 50, and had a house forclosed on. I was teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown and could do little but robotically wake up, go to work and come home .....self medicate with crystal meth, over and above prescribed antidipressants and mood stabalizers. I would peruse the internet to find men to fill the overwhelming lonliness of living alone for the first time in my life. I didn't ever think I could have deep feelings for anyone again till I met him.
We agreed that friendship would remain after any physical passion subsided.
I would be ready if that was the evolution of our relationship. Even if for now an email of support once a week, a bite to eat at a diner, or a game of scrabble.
Leave behind the substance we abused. His friendship is worth far more than the drug could ever mean to me.
One of you said it sounds like he is being fed this stuff about me at rehab...I totally believe that is true.
Once again, I thank you all and I hear you. I know I must move on if he doesn't come around. I must be prepared to do that. but the grief and pain is a real hard one to shake and trying to keep it separate from the events of the past 2 years rather than cumlative is difficult. Hard to think I will not ever see him or know what is happening in his life. Also the anger he seems to have for me is eating away at me, I have done nothing to deserve being treated so disrespectfully and without dignity.
I am hurt most by not having a few words of support every now and then from him. He has been convinced I am some sort of demon to be avoided at all costs.
Once again thank you for helping me with this ...your concern has been felt and appreciated. You are truly decent and caring people.
I will have to move on, but I am heartbroken. I will take time to heal. About 6 months before I met him, I was left by my life partner of 15 years for a younger man, had a serious decline in some areas of health, turned 50, and had a house forclosed on. I was teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown and could do little but robotically wake up, go to work and come home .....self medicate with crystal meth, over and above prescribed antidipressants and mood stabalizers. I would peruse the internet to find men to fill the overwhelming lonliness of living alone for the first time in my life. I didn't ever think I could have deep feelings for anyone again till I met him.
We agreed that friendship would remain after any physical passion subsided.
I would be ready if that was the evolution of our relationship. Even if for now an email of support once a week, a bite to eat at a diner, or a game of scrabble.
Leave behind the substance we abused. His friendship is worth far more than the drug could ever mean to me.
One of you said it sounds like he is being fed this stuff about me at rehab...I totally believe that is true.
Once again, I thank you all and I hear you. I know I must move on if he doesn't come around. I must be prepared to do that. but the grief and pain is a real hard one to shake and trying to keep it separate from the events of the past 2 years rather than cumlative is difficult. Hard to think I will not ever see him or know what is happening in his life. Also the anger he seems to have for me is eating away at me, I have done nothing to deserve being treated so disrespectfully and without dignity.
I am hurt most by not having a few words of support every now and then from him. He has been convinced I am some sort of demon to be avoided at all costs.
Once again thank you for helping me with this ...your concern has been felt and appreciated. You are truly decent and caring people.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Rehab most likely that anyone he was friends with during his using time was not a true friend and sometimes that's true. Also, he may not have ever really considered you a true friend while you considered him to be one. If he was ever truely your friend, give him time to heal while you heal yourself. If he comes back (sober) in time, perhaps your friendship was meant to be. If he doesn't, let him go. Good luck and keep moving on. You deserve it.
liability/access/toxic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NNJ/NYC
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS 
Rehab most likely that anyone he was friends with during his using time was not a true friend and sometimes that's true. Also, he may not have ever really considered you a true friend while you considered him to be one.
I was there, I knew the tenderness, affection, emotion, laughter, tears, joy, companionship etc that we both shared. It was felt, I was witness to it and it can't be denied.
This is one reason that I think many of the present accepted methods of rehab need to be examined. I could understand if I was still using or was some kind of shady, creepy, sleazeball. I have worked since the age of 16. I had a 12 year relartionship and a 15 year relationship. I have volunteered more that a decade working with the homeless, handicapped, and church fundraisers. I try to be as kind and generous as possible. I'm educated and well traveled.
As I said I could understand if I was still using, that he should avoid me. But I am sober. I really think rehab programs should explore ways to teach people in recovery to deal with a world where alcohol and drugs exist and always will, rather than run away from this reality by avoiding people, places, and things. Reality also being that there may always will be friends, family, and aquaintances that are users, may become users, or at some point relapse or.
Thanks again to all of you kind people.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Being so early in recovery, I think it's hard for people to figure out true friendship. His mind is probably still muddled from the years of addiction and more even more confused with treatment and the future. I'm really sorry that both of you are going through this double pain of addiction and loss and I really hope you two are able to be healthy friends again. My thoughts are with you. Be strong, hun.
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