StPeteGrad

Hey all,

I'm sure I'm not the first one to deal with this issue: Having a spouse or SO that completely supports your sobriety but does not support your sobriety program.

My wife dealt with my uncontrolled drinking for the last 10 years of our marriage. She was always ready for me to quit and VERY supportive when I said I needed to get into an in-patient facility to quit.

Fast forward nearly 6 months and I get a whole bunch of grief when I plan to go to more than the two recommended meetings a week. For example, I was up at 5:30am Saturday and/or Sunday the past two weeks to hit a 6am meeting and was home before anyone else was even awake. I got tremendous resistance when I wanted to go again Saturday night (which was also b-day night) and outright anger that I would have the nerve to go to both the Monday and Wednesday night meetings too.

I will continue to make this many meetings as long as I feel it complements my life and sobriety. If a certain meeting is no longer meaningful I will cut it and find a replacement (either new meeting or family obligation).

I can appreciate that she would want me home all the time but it is, after all, my sobriety PROGRAM that keeps me sober - not just the treatment 6 months ago. I've explained this numerous times and the outcome is generally that "I'm selfish and will just do whatever I want anyway."

Since my wife will not go to ALANON or any other self-help program, I'm really on my own when it comes to family support.

I don't have a point to make, but just wanted to hear from other SRs in a similar situation and how you make it work.

-SPG

SSIL75

What is her objection, specifically?

sugarbear1

I don't have direct experience, or do I? My family (parents & siblings, we weren't close, but i deal ok with this) won't go to al anon. I go to aa. Things may change for ME, eventually.

I have heard of your situation spoken of in meetings often. Best wishes!

StPeteGrad

@SSIL - That's a really good question. I think it is just the fact that I am away from home.

Jabbadabutt

The fine line between making time to work on yourself and taking away from time you are needed. It is a balance. I too have struggled with needing time to myself to cope/heal/learn vs. being available at ALL times around the house. We try to accomodate, but when and if it becomes mission critical, we MUST be selfish.

sugarbear1

Have you talked directly with her about this?

Spawn

Are any of these meetings you go to meetings she can come along to?

Maybe she feels left out?

Fenris

SPG, I went through something very similar with my wife. I went to in-patient treatment and after I got back, there was out-patient three nights a week after work for three months, and AA meetings, and meetings with my sponsor...my wife tried to hide how much pressure it was putting on her with both kids home for the summer and instead of talking to me about it, she began to resent my program, even though she knew it was what had to be done to keep me sober. She finally snapped, and of course, I resented her (and we all know where anger and resentment lead an alcoholic, don't we?). So, I relapsed and wrongly blamed her for it until my sponsor finally pulled my head out of my ***. All I can say is that I wasn't being very considerate of what I was putting my wife through with my recovery, and that even though my recovery has to come first, it's important to acknowledge what she's going through. Keep an open line of communication and don't let myself feel resentment. I still go to a meeting every day, but I try to go when it won't put anything extra on my wife (if it does, it does; but I try to avoid it). But the most important thing I found was to simply be compassionate (which does not come naturally to me). Eventually, she's gotten used to it, even encourages me to go to meetings when I don't really feel like it, but I had to give her time to adjust and try to support her in the meanwhile.

--Fenris.

Mark75

My wife is a proud and steadfast member of alaNOT in a million years... LOL

She had a problem with me going to a lot of meetings, and occasionally when I do extra curricular activities ... Cycling, fishing, hunting, skiing... With my AA buddies. I found that as time went on, and as I balanced the time better... And paid more attention to her and my family ... I get less resistance.

It just took a year or so to get things sorted out and balanced.

miamifella

My sister lost her husband to AA. He was gone more at meetings than he was gone when he was drinking. He was out every night and a lot of time on weekends. He eventually dumped her because she was not in recovery (she had never been a drinker). We later found out that he was involved with at least one women from the meetings.

Maybe you wife is fearful that she is losing you in the same way? I think you say that you went to a meeting instead of taking her out for her birthday. That sounds like a lack of commitment to her.

Reassurance and some quality time with her will surely help you both through this situation.

StPeteGrad

Mark & Fenris - You guys both nailed it on the head.

There is a lot of resentment there on her part and justifiably so. I think it might be easier for her if she tried a program, but she won't.

I think what's clear is that I need to put my sobriety first, everything else second.

I'm in-between sponsors right now and it has been really difficult navigating the seas of sobriety alone.

onlythetruth

StPete:

Well, as both a wife and someone who quit drinking many years ago, I can see your perspective but also feel your wife's pain. First she lost you to the alcohol, now she feels like she's losing you to your program. Am I correct that you skipped her birthday and went to a meeting instead? That you're out three+ nights a week at meetings? And that instead of trying to see things through her eyes, you're urging her go to Al-Anon--and suggesting that by failing to do so, she's not supporting you appropriately?

It sure sounds to me like you're expecting an awful lot of your wife, someone who I'm going to bet you put through the ringer pretty badly during your drinking days. Sure, your sobriety needs to be a priority, but so does she. Please, for the sake of your marriage, try to see things from her perspective, and be glad she WANTS you home.

OTT

Anna

I have found that balance is the key for me, for everything in my life.

I do work on my recovery every day, but I also make sure that I spend time with my family. Since I don't go to meetings, the time that I spend on recovery can be flexible. I hope that you and your wife can find something that works for you.

Soberpotamus

I can say I'd sure be pissed if my boyfriend skipped my birthday and went to any sort of meeting... and rightfully so. I'd be royally p*****.

My boyfriend is thankful to have me "home" now because I'm not drunk at night anymore... I was always physically at home, just out of my head. Significant others have an investment in our lives, when we make a decision it affects them. I think people seem to forget they're part of a team sometimes... myself included. It's a constant assessment really... to figure out the best decisions to make sometimes when you're involving another person. It's probably one reason I never married

But after being sober for a month now, I can see just how much what I was doing impacted my boyfriend... and it took a lot for him to hang around through the drinking. He probably should have left me! To be honest.

Be thankful your wife is still around and please reconsider missing birthdays!

Zebra1275

As other's have said, balance is the key. I make it to about 3 meetings a week, SR fills in nicely for me on the other days.

Zencat

For me group or meeting attendance is adjunct to the core of my sobriety maintenance. The heart of my program is within me, readily available 24/7/365.

Taking5

SoberJen-

I think the OP was saying that Saturday night's meeting was the "birthday" meeting at AA - once a month where the people that had a year or multiples thereof get their medallions. This is a pretty big deal once a month. I don't think he was skipping his wifes birthday.

Soberpotamus

Oh, my apologies about that... I misunderstood.

yor5150

I can't speak from personal experience but I can relay what I've heard my sponsor say to other married men when they run into similar situations and that is that it takes a long time to earn her trust back. I'm not saying that's the case here... just offering some food for thought.

onlythetruth

My apologies if I misunderstood that, but I stand by my comment nonetheless. The birthday isn't the issue: it's the viewpoint that's the problem, and I'll share exactly why I say so.

At the time I got sober, I had been married for 10 years to a man I'd put through hell with my drinking. This man supported my recovery, my attendance at meetings and everything else, including sponsorship. He'd come home from a 12 hour workday and take over the childcare so I could go to meetings. But he did not like Al-Anon. He went to a few meetings at my request but it was not for him.

I was ok with that, but one day we were talking to my sponsor and she asked my husband if he was going to Al-Anon. He said no, and she looked at him with this withering expression and outright said that if he didn't go to Al-Anon he wasn't part of the recovery family, and that she personally didn't trust anyone who wasn't in program.

So here is this man who has been put through hell by me, and who is supportive of my recovery activities, and it is being suggested to him that he's falling down on the job and can't be trusted.

Now this man and I are now divorced for many years, but that doesn't take away from the horror I felt and still feel at the position he was placed in. And over the years I've repeatedly witnessed this attitude towards spouses and family members: that they, after having been abused by us, are expected quickly to fall in line with us being gone at meetings every night and join a parallel program whether that program suits their worldview or not.

I have to say, I think this adds insult to injury, and my suspicion is that it costs us our marriages at least as often as our drinking behavior does.

OTT