abnheel

I don't want to steal someone's thread, so I'll post this situation here because I wonder if I'm handling everything okay.

My wife might leave me near my 1 year sober date. It's due to a lot of things going on. However, one of my biggest pillars of strength is the faith that I've begin to develop. Until recently, I never expressed anything outwardly regarding my faith. I grew more and more closer to my church and the people there to the point where I am even on the finance committee.

Well, after 3 days last week of a sort of Bible study, my wife asked me if I would stay home for the 4th day because she didn't like pretending everything was okay in front of others. I agreed, but was hurt. She even acknowledged that she knew I liked interacting with so many people there.

The morning of the last class, she apologized for asking me not to go, but I already heard the message and made my decision not to go anyhow and instead work out late at the gym.

Lastly, she mentioned something about 'when 2 people separate, the one who was brought to the church should find another'. That's me and it essentially means I should go elsewhere if we can't work things out.

Naturally, I would do this because I certainly don't want to make everyone else uncomfortable. But, is that really a mature thing to say or ask from someone who finds so much love and benefit in the church itself? Especially someone in recovery?

Supercrew

If church is taking you out of your marriage you might want to reevaluate your church. Having faith and going to church is great for many people, but is it taking quality time away from your wife and family? Maybe you should ask your wife what it wrong.

abnheel

I must have phrased that wrong. It isn't what is separating us. In fact, over the last year it is something that unites us. She heads up the women's group and always wanted me more involved. As I got more comfortable, now I find myself possibly losing that. She prefers to not have both of us there while we try to figure out us.

abnheel

Of course it's the place where I discovered peace in this life. Somewhere that taught me that if tomorrow ends, I'm good to go.

I heard one lady mention something in a class once that she was afraid to see death. In the least morbid way, I knew that I wouldn't be afraid because of the peace I found. most people just don't feel that way, but you can't be afraid all of your life. Otherwise, you just can't live it.

Supercrew

Oh, sorry if I misunderstood. Well maybe you should ask her why anyways. For the record I'm still afraid of death. I think it's kind of a natural healthy fear.

abnheel

I do understand be afraid of death. But, I think it's ideal when you are in a place where you can ultimately be free. At least that's what I think. I'd hate to be where I was regretting something and so afraid that I died in fear. Then again, I need to go visit Normandy because that's on my bucket list.

ACT10Npack

I still don't understand this topic. Are you a christian and your wife an non-believer?

abnheel

Both Christian. Her church before I met her. Our church now. I love the people there and I might face leaving.

eaglette

Abnheel,

I am sorry to hear about what you are facing. What do YOU feel about the subject of leaving? It is entirely your decision whether or not you would feel comfortable staying. There is no absolute right answer. Then again, it does not seem like this is definitely an issue you will have to deal with. I find that one day at a time thinking helps me in almost everything. Otherwise, it tends to get overwhelming.

Supercrew

I think communication here would be key. If you don't feel comfortable asking her maybe you should find someone at the church to do some marriage counseling.

abnheel

I feel that I should leave. But I also feel that if I leave, I'll drink again.

Dee74

I'm sorry for this situation abnheel - it must be hard on you both.

I hope you'll be able to talk it out and find a way through it for you both, or - at worst - find another community where you'll feel as comfortable

D

Reset

Seems to me like there should be room in the church community for both of you. After all, the whole experience is about so much more than just your relationship.

ajangel

My ex and I found a church that we both grew to love. It is where myself and both of my daughters got baptized. My youngest grew up in that church. When we split up 5 years ago, I stopped going. Look where that landed me. Now that I am recovering, I would like to start going back to church. Our split was not hostile. We still talk and are civil to each other. I have decided it is best that I seek out another church. Maybe you should start looking around at other places. Our church has 1 service on Saturday night and 3 on Sunday. Perhaps you can go at different times?

sugarbear1

Try another church or maybe pray on it?

Zebra1275

Don't leave the church, it's as much your church as it is hers.

The "I was here first" argument, in my mind is pretty immature. The church should have room for two Christians, even if they used to have been married once. Besides, if the church is something that is helping you in sobriety, why take the chance of giving it up?

Do you have kids, and if so what church will they go to?

Hardtofind

This is actually HER problem, not yours. Well, it is both of yours, but asking you to give up your church is really selfish of her to try and have others percieve her as the perfect person. If you don't go, they will wonder what's going on anyway. She will still answer questions as to where you are likely painting you as the bad one. I might suggest speaking privately with the pastor or a deacon about the matter and see what they suggest.

abnheel

Yeah, she's leaving me and now I need to figure out what to do about this church thing. On the one hand, I don't want to make it uncomfortable to others. On the other, it really helped me find peace and not sure I'm ready to go back out and find another.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear that abnhell...I hope you'll be able to make the best decision for you regarding the church thing

D

abnheel

Thank you. I'll get through this eventually. I'm still trying to come to grips with what has just happened.

You recognize you have a disease, you move to treat it, you finally find peace with the help of a higher authority, and then this twist is thrown in. I'm trying to hold onto why I should still be trying. I thought all of this was the right path, but I wound up losing who I loved the most.