I cant deal!!!
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
I cant deal!!!
Im trying so hard to get my life on track. After I left my ex, I thought I found a temp place to help me get onto a positive path. I cant deal with the drama here the lady who I am renting a room from is constantly fighting with her husband she has a daughter and trying to put me in the middle. I am sitting in my room trying to write my feelings out like the writers who have inspired me and she has to knock on my door with drama. I dont want this negativity in my life I can take it I had to get some beer bc I had to escape. I am dealing with my own issues I dont need to hear their chaotic fighting or deal with seeing a child go through this is breaks my heart. I dont know what to do!!!
Wireless internet doesnt work in my room so she just went out I went outside to use the internet. I check othis site all the time on my phone but its a real pain in the butt to type on the phone. I cant take this and I dont want to involve my dad bc his ex wife my mother is going through her own drama and seperation with her husband that I dont want to put more stress on him I have already put enough stress on him. I hate this. Why is this happening to me?
Wireless internet doesnt work in my room so she just went out I went outside to use the internet. I check othis site all the time on my phone but its a real pain in the butt to type on the phone. I cant take this and I dont want to involve my dad bc his ex wife my mother is going through her own drama and seperation with her husband that I dont want to put more stress on him I have already put enough stress on him. I hate this. Why is this happening to me?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York City
Posts: 221
"I had to get some beer bc I had to escape."
I can feel your frustration. But there are other ways to get the spiritual space you need. You are making many positive changes to your life it seems. Quitting booze will only help solidify the positive events and improve your outlook on life. Alcohol is not an escape or coping mechanism simply because it really doesn't do either.
Perhaps, ask your landlady to leave you alone between "such a time and such a time." Certainly don't get involved or be tricked into taking sides.
It may help to find a different temporary place, or find an alcohol/substance recovery group of some kind. There are resources you can tap into. Resources you should take advantage of.
I can feel your frustration. But there are other ways to get the spiritual space you need. You are making many positive changes to your life it seems. Quitting booze will only help solidify the positive events and improve your outlook on life. Alcohol is not an escape or coping mechanism simply because it really doesn't do either.
Perhaps, ask your landlady to leave you alone between "such a time and such a time." Certainly don't get involved or be tricked into taking sides.
It may help to find a different temporary place, or find an alcohol/substance recovery group of some kind. There are resources you can tap into. Resources you should take advantage of.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
"Why is this happening to me?" is an existential question we all ask ourselves, and on some level may be unanswerable. Maybe more resolvable questions are what is happening to me and what can I do about it? It sounds like you're in a fairly crappy and unheathy living environment and that can really be the pits. You mention its a temp place which indicates that these circumstances will change. What action might you take to facilitate this change? We know what action not to take--our DOC. So that's a start. I sure don't have any answers for you and maybe not a lot of comfort--just switchibg from the why is this happening to me (which tends to victimize us) to what can I do about it (empowering) is all I might recommend. Wish I had more to offer.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thank you Palemale and My Cool Fitz for responding you are both right. I could have done something other than drink. I do need to find a new place. It breaks my heart when a child is neglected and its happening infront of me and there is nothing I can do. I go back to drinking at people. I have to change that behavior...I am very aware of my drinking habits and I dont deny them. Its my fault I take full responsibility "dont drink at people". I am still writing my own memoir im on page seven but its a break through for me bc I dont discuss these issues so I am in tears writing down my feelings but as everyone has told me in my life write down your feelings dont run away. They are so painful and for those who can write them sober I give them so much credit I reallydo.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by MycoolFitz 
"Why is this happening to me?" is an existential question we all ask ourselves...
"Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
(Matt 5:3)
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
How much control do we have over people, places and things?
How many situations in life are there where alcohol will change any of those external factors; where it will make the situation better?
My experience has proven that when I add alcohol to a dramatic situation; I succeed in adding more drama. I don't do that anymore.
You have an opportunity here to work on setting boundaries and to work on empowering yourself.
Let the landlady know that you understand that it must be hard to be arguing with her husband so frequently, but that you really have nothing to do with it and would prefer not to become involved. Let her know you are "working" and that the knocks on the door are found to be intrusive.
I shudder to think what that poor child is learning about relationships. Ugghhh. I'm sincerely hoping there is no abuse going on there, because I know what I'd do about that!
You are not "stuck" living there. You don't have to drink over it.
I found that living in the solution for a problem is the best way to go. Drinking it away doesn't make it go away.
You can get through this, learn from it and you certainly don't have to drink over it.
How many situations in life are there where alcohol will change any of those external factors; where it will make the situation better?
My experience has proven that when I add alcohol to a dramatic situation; I succeed in adding more drama. I don't do that anymore.
You have an opportunity here to work on setting boundaries and to work on empowering yourself.
Let the landlady know that you understand that it must be hard to be arguing with her husband so frequently, but that you really have nothing to do with it and would prefer not to become involved. Let her know you are "working" and that the knocks on the door are found to be intrusive.
I shudder to think what that poor child is learning about relationships. Ugghhh. I'm sincerely hoping there is no abuse going on there, because I know what I'd do about that!
You are not "stuck" living there. You don't have to drink over it.
I found that living in the solution for a problem is the best way to go. Drinking it away doesn't make it go away.
You can get through this, learn from it and you certainly don't have to drink over it.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm sorry your living situation is not good right now. What about waiting until you're a little stronger to write out so much emotional stuff? I had to be real careful in early sobriety to avoid overwhelming myself (something I tend to do by taking on too much).
I think it's good that you recognize this. How can you start doing it differently?
I go back to drinking at people
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Actually, I had a another thought about this situation.
You can't stop the husband and wife from screaming at each other, can you?
You CAN get an MP3 player or walkman and most importantly - earbuds.
$8.95 on amazon.com
Stop the door knocking and drown out the yelling with music.
You have just successfully eliminated the problem, no?
You can also download inspirational talks, audios, videos, etc for access to whenever you want.
You can't stop the husband and wife from screaming at each other, can you?
You CAN get an MP3 player or walkman and most importantly - earbuds.
$8.95 on amazon.com
Stop the door knocking and drown out the yelling with music.
You have just successfully eliminated the problem, no?
You can also download inspirational talks, audios, videos, etc for access to whenever you want.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Can you look for a place to move to?
Can you call your local AA and get to a meeting? Help is there, all we need is to ask. Best wishes. You don't have to drink again or feel like this anymore
You aren't alone.
Can you call your local AA and get to a meeting? Help is there, all we need is to ask. Best wishes. You don't have to drink again or feel like this anymore
You aren't alone.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Thankgs guys, I feel so bad and guilty for drinking over it. I just had it. Its like when will I get break from dealing with crazy people. I am so tired of attracting them in my life. But, the next time I will set boundaries instead of holding it it and say I dont want to hear it!!!! I dont want to hear it either I cant I am trying to better my life and I am dealing with this. I just caught her going through my room and she used an excuse that it was hot in there. I have to find a new place to live on Mon. a healthier and more positive place. I feel like crap though I drank a lot and I wanted to stop drinking. Only I can control this tom. is a new day so no alcohol. I hate the stuff. I have an IPOD and music. I should drown it out.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Innerchild when you realized you were stressing out your first statement is that you had had it and that is why you drank. Why do you have conditions on your sobriety? Aren't you thinking that you will give being sober a try but if anything over a certain level happens you have a pre-arranged "get out of sobriety free, there is reason to drink card" tucked away?
Why not solve the problems that you can when they come up instead of trying to nod out of them. There will always be a next problem, especially if you make decisions that put yourself in bad situations, or worse stay there after you know. I know how you feel too, as I felt that same way until the switch clicked on that there was no excuse, not one, not even my own death, that was extreme enough or drama filled enough or stress filled enough or overwhelming enough that I would drink over it, through it, around it, and bury it . . . until I woke up with a worse situation than I drank over. I quit when I realized I could lose everything, not after hitting a bad bottom. Believe it or not I think it is harder to quit and admit it when you have no one thinking you have a problem. I rocked the boat not "them," whoever "they" happen to be today.
No one else is responsible for your happiness, your well being, your health, and your situation but you. No one else can make you happy or unhappy except you and how you choose to view everything. You have to give that permission to yourself, you have to take it yourself, for yourself. I can't, no one can, give peace to you. I wish you peace, take it. If I could take it and give it to myself, anybody can.
Why not solve the problems that you can when they come up instead of trying to nod out of them. There will always be a next problem, especially if you make decisions that put yourself in bad situations, or worse stay there after you know. I know how you feel too, as I felt that same way until the switch clicked on that there was no excuse, not one, not even my own death, that was extreme enough or drama filled enough or stress filled enough or overwhelming enough that I would drink over it, through it, around it, and bury it . . . until I woke up with a worse situation than I drank over. I quit when I realized I could lose everything, not after hitting a bad bottom. Believe it or not I think it is harder to quit and admit it when you have no one thinking you have a problem. I rocked the boat not "them," whoever "they" happen to be today.
No one else is responsible for your happiness, your well being, your health, and your situation but you. No one else can make you happy or unhappy except you and how you choose to view everything. You have to give that permission to yourself, you have to take it yourself, for yourself. I can't, no one can, give peace to you. I wish you peace, take it. If I could take it and give it to myself, anybody can.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Because Itchy, I work my butt off in school, or networking in my jobs, or relationships with people. I am a nice friendly person who will do anything for the people I love and I am taken advantage of by people. No matter what I read, or how much therapy I go to in my life I still seem to attract negative people or people who hurt me. I am freaking tired of it and I know you mentioned I am playing the "victim role" in another post I am tired of it. I am a decent person and ive really had enough of it. I dont want the drama in my life or toxic people. However, now I know that I should speak my mind instead of drink. I think I am going to do that from now on or try at least. The next time my roommate tries to get me in the middle or bring me in Ill say I dont want to hear it. Its not good for my own well being.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
I'm hearing that loud and clear, Inner Child. I have had the same experience with people for a long time. I too would give you the shirt off of my back and often have been taken advantage of. I found those situations surrounding me a lot - maybe there's some truth in facing those same situations until we get them "right" - I don't know. I was told in my therapy that I was a "people pleaser".
I discovered I was a person who did everything I could to gain people's acceptance, love, avoid their anger and disappointment in me, that I would try to please them. I never wanted to rock the boat. In relationships, I had to develop an ability to decipher whether I should allow someone close to my heart, or hold them at arm's length. I constantly set myself up for disappointment because I didn't learn until late in life that I could set up boundaries. I also learned I don't have to be a "yes-man" to earn people's respect and affections.
My experience was that I would take things on, get resentful because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then TRY to drink it away. That anger and resentment would come spewing out of my mouth when I was drunk, and it was like a broken record. I kept playing it over and over in my mind in the privacy of my home - drunk and alone. Then, I got to a point that I would do "drunk-calling" to tell someone off; which I would never dare to do when I was sober. Then I'd get "called" on it the next time I saw the person (that is, when I wasn't trying to avoid them), and I would have such shame. The problem with shame is that it has cumulative effects, which would send me to the bottle, and so on, and so on, and so on.
I had to learn all about this in sobriety. When I got drunk, my broken record was always stuck in the same groove. I'd get a person mad at me, which I couldn't stand, would try to work it by doing something for them that made them no longer mad at me, and then resent them again because I didn't feel appreciated .... get my meaning? Endless cycle.
Boundaries are critical to me. I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation as to why I can't do something for them anymore. No or stop or don't are complete statements.
Want to see the right way to meet people and establish boundaries? Go to any park and watch a set of toddlers meet for the first time. They know how to do it. So often we forget what we learned when we're kids.
Keep posting....looking forward to hear how you are working this out....
I discovered I was a person who did everything I could to gain people's acceptance, love, avoid their anger and disappointment in me, that I would try to please them. I never wanted to rock the boat. In relationships, I had to develop an ability to decipher whether I should allow someone close to my heart, or hold them at arm's length. I constantly set myself up for disappointment because I didn't learn until late in life that I could set up boundaries. I also learned I don't have to be a "yes-man" to earn people's respect and affections.
My experience was that I would take things on, get resentful because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, and then TRY to drink it away. That anger and resentment would come spewing out of my mouth when I was drunk, and it was like a broken record. I kept playing it over and over in my mind in the privacy of my home - drunk and alone. Then, I got to a point that I would do "drunk-calling" to tell someone off; which I would never dare to do when I was sober. Then I'd get "called" on it the next time I saw the person (that is, when I wasn't trying to avoid them), and I would have such shame. The problem with shame is that it has cumulative effects, which would send me to the bottle, and so on, and so on, and so on.
I had to learn all about this in sobriety. When I got drunk, my broken record was always stuck in the same groove. I'd get a person mad at me, which I couldn't stand, would try to work it by doing something for them that made them no longer mad at me, and then resent them again because I didn't feel appreciated .... get my meaning? Endless cycle.
Boundaries are critical to me. I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation as to why I can't do something for them anymore. No or stop or don't are complete statements.
Want to see the right way to meet people and establish boundaries? Go to any park and watch a set of toddlers meet for the first time. They know how to do it. So often we forget what we learned when we're kids.
Keep posting....looking forward to hear how you are working this out....
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Innerchild,
Good for you!
I will not do "anything" for the people I love, if it involves sacrificing my well being, or heaven forbid my sobriety. But then people that love me won't ask either of those of me, anymore than I would of them.
Good for you!
I will not do "anything" for the people I love, if it involves sacrificing my well being, or heaven forbid my sobriety. But then people that love me won't ask either of those of me, anymore than I would of them.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I have stayed short term in the YWCA while looking for my own place.
I know AA members who have allowed other members to stay in their homes
but I have no idea about what financial deals they made.
There are also sober houses in some areas...you could check and see if that is possible.
I know AA members who have allowed other members to stay in their homes
but I have no idea about what financial deals they made.
There are also sober houses in some areas...you could check and see if that is possible.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Wow, Wellwisher you described me to a tee!! Ive always had the need to be liked by everyone and my world crashes down when someone doesnt like me. I did however just read the "Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz which helped me to realize that if someone doesn't like me its because of that person not myself and no matter what someone says about me, feels or does is because of me.
I have a gard time speaking my mind or saying when something is bothering or someone is bothering me I keep quiet til I get to the point ay which I explode. Yeah, put alcohol, built up anger, and PMS together you get DISASTER!!! I grew up with my parents partying and drinking heavily on the weekends. They don't think they had a problem because they were all happpy drunks and if I am around my family I have turned into Linda Blair from the Exorcist on the sauce. Its bc I have so much anger and resentment towards them esp. my mother so the alcohol can turn me into an angry beast not so much around friends.
I used to give everyone a peace of my angry mind when drinking too. Anyone who pissed me off or I was harboring feelings of resentment towards they got an earfull. I don't do that anymore for some reason its hard for me to express my anger even when drinking but I do still have a tendency to call my friends up cry to them how mch my life sucks. When I don't drink I try to be positive.
Seeking the approval of others us dangerous esp. when they know you are doing it because some of them will use it to their advantage and walk all over. It happens to me a lot and I get frustrated. I asked my guy friend yesterday who I have hooked up with but since we are always in the gym together he sees how I interact with others I said "why does it seem like all the guys in the gym want to sleep with me?" His response was because your ditzy and flirty. Oh, thanks well I am only flirtacious with him but I really dont want to come off that way so its in my head that people that I am some kind of gym ho now lol. I am friendly and talk to everyone. I like to talk and be a social butterfly. As long as you are a nice person ill talk to you doesnt mean I am a flirt. LOL.
Sometimes I wish I could just leave my body and watch myself or maybe have someone film me for a week because I want to know how I come across to people and mauybe I can figure out why I attract the nut jobs and people who betray me.
I want to stay in my little beach town. I am right by the beach and I love my town its a nice area but I have to start looking for a new place. I am looking for a part time job anywhere on top of my own business but with two degress and a certification I cant get hired anywhere it seems ugh. I would like my own studio so I need to make enough to afford one and if not that a sane roommate with a minimum amount of drama.
Well, I am keeping myself occupied NO drinking and I am having one creamy SMALL cup of coffee but I am craving more lol. I cant drink more it triggers me to want to drink. I left the house like 6:00am and sitting outside in a closed cafe with wireless internet. I got to keep myself away from the house as much as possible and keep busy.
I have a gard time speaking my mind or saying when something is bothering or someone is bothering me I keep quiet til I get to the point ay which I explode. Yeah, put alcohol, built up anger, and PMS together you get DISASTER!!! I grew up with my parents partying and drinking heavily on the weekends. They don't think they had a problem because they were all happpy drunks and if I am around my family I have turned into Linda Blair from the Exorcist on the sauce. Its bc I have so much anger and resentment towards them esp. my mother so the alcohol can turn me into an angry beast not so much around friends.
I used to give everyone a peace of my angry mind when drinking too. Anyone who pissed me off or I was harboring feelings of resentment towards they got an earfull. I don't do that anymore for some reason its hard for me to express my anger even when drinking but I do still have a tendency to call my friends up cry to them how mch my life sucks. When I don't drink I try to be positive.
Seeking the approval of others us dangerous esp. when they know you are doing it because some of them will use it to their advantage and walk all over. It happens to me a lot and I get frustrated. I asked my guy friend yesterday who I have hooked up with but since we are always in the gym together he sees how I interact with others I said "why does it seem like all the guys in the gym want to sleep with me?" His response was because your ditzy and flirty. Oh, thanks well I am only flirtacious with him but I really dont want to come off that way so its in my head that people that I am some kind of gym ho now lol. I am friendly and talk to everyone. I like to talk and be a social butterfly. As long as you are a nice person ill talk to you doesnt mean I am a flirt. LOL.
Sometimes I wish I could just leave my body and watch myself or maybe have someone film me for a week because I want to know how I come across to people and mauybe I can figure out why I attract the nut jobs and people who betray me.
I want to stay in my little beach town. I am right by the beach and I love my town its a nice area but I have to start looking for a new place. I am looking for a part time job anywhere on top of my own business but with two degress and a certification I cant get hired anywhere it seems ugh. I would like my own studio so I need to make enough to afford one and if not that a sane roommate with a minimum amount of drama.
Well, I am keeping myself occupied NO drinking and I am having one creamy SMALL cup of coffee but I am craving more lol. I cant drink more it triggers me to want to drink. I left the house like 6:00am and sitting outside in a closed cafe with wireless internet. I got to keep myself away from the house as much as possible and keep busy.
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