Being Sober Feels Lonely
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Being Sober Feels Lonely
I feel so lonely. I don't know a single person who is 100% sober. My husband quit drinking a few years ago, but still gets high every night. I quit smoking pot 3 weeks ago, quit the drinking 2 weeks ago. Right now I feel like being sober is another way of saying self-induced loneliness. This is Friday night #2 at home alone while my husband is out getting high with his friends & all my "friends" are out doing whatever they are doing. It always involves drinking, so I'm out by my own choice b/c it feels too soon for me to try being around it. My in-laws live nearby, but they get high all night every night, so I don't want to go there, either.
Feeling like there is no way to untangle myself from the bar/music scene unless I just totally stop going to my husband's gigs. I am afraid that now that I am getting sober, I'm not going to be happy in this marriage anymore. I really hate to say that, I just feel really crappy right now & probably overly negative. Hope that concern passes, though it is recurring.
Not trying to feel sorry for myself here, I just feel lonely. Been cuddling my dogs, but it's not the same. I hope this passes, I hope I don't lose all my "friends", but if I do, I guess they weren't really friends anyhow. I really don't know why I even give a crap about "friends" that were mostly just drinking buddies. I guess it's just that it's all new still & it's change & it's feeling really uncomfortable right now. This is the closest I've felt so far to wanting to go out & drink or just smoke a joint. Not going to, but feeling so lonesome I am crying. I really want this stage to pass. I hope so much it gets better than this.
Feeling like there is no way to untangle myself from the bar/music scene unless I just totally stop going to my husband's gigs. I am afraid that now that I am getting sober, I'm not going to be happy in this marriage anymore. I really hate to say that, I just feel really crappy right now & probably overly negative. Hope that concern passes, though it is recurring.
Not trying to feel sorry for myself here, I just feel lonely. Been cuddling my dogs, but it's not the same. I hope this passes, I hope I don't lose all my "friends", but if I do, I guess they weren't really friends anyhow. I really don't know why I even give a crap about "friends" that were mostly just drinking buddies. I guess it's just that it's all new still & it's change & it's feeling really uncomfortable right now. This is the closest I've felt so far to wanting to go out & drink or just smoke a joint. Not going to, but feeling so lonesome I am crying. I really want this stage to pass. I hope so much it gets better than this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
I'm sorry you feel so alone and maybe a bit abandoned. You also said goodbye to drugs and alcohol and that can feel lonely too. I can get real lonely too but I realize in my active stage I was most alone, even from myself. I just didn't know it. My ex-wife used to look at me and say "Too bad you're not here, I miss you" I thought I was sitting next to her but I know the booze placed me a million miles away. My best to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 43
I'm sorry your having a bad day...i feel lonely alot too.My DOC was my best friend for so long, its what i turned to to make me feel better/good. My husband has no addictions so i feel weak and unable to talk to him about my problem. he doesnt understand and if i break down and cry he will enable me, even encourage me to give in (been thru this before) He just wants me happy..but in the long run, giving in wont make you or I happy, just more defeated. I read read read and read some more posts by the longtimers here...so i know it can be done and theres happiness waiting after addiction. Hope that helped in some way...i'm sitting here straight on a friday night too feeling like a boring blah person.
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Thanks. I am trying to see the positive side of this choice, remember my reasons for quitting, etc. You say you were more alone while in the throes of addiction. Looking at it now, the "good times" seem superficial. I don't want to think all my friends are superficial, but I guess I'll be finding out real soon, huh?
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
I wish we could be sober together with our pets, Pups! My husband wants me to be happy, too. He will indulge my over-eating if I am down (getting better, I have lost a lot of weight), he would be the first to get me stoned. I hope the long-time sober folks here are all right & that I am making the right choice, that this will all pass & I will be happily sober. Wish that was how it was right now!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 43
Meeee tooo Ten, me too! I know one day drugfree will be my 'normal' but for now its still a strange land for me. I relate to your name..i've used for the past ten years. I havent went one day without being altered in some way. Now on 2 weeks straight from all things. My dogs do give me so much comfort and acceptance, something i dont always feel from people. I want to go into Veterinary medicine, but i have to pass a drug test first! In 2 weeks i hope i can =) Something i'm holding onto everyday, its getting me thru some cravings. This site has been helping me, so keep coming!
ps..how many pups do you have? i have 4, 2 chi/jrt mixes, 1 germ shep and 1 hound boy, as well as one foster, i am involved in rescue and being so involved planted the seed to striaghten up.. hence the name the pups saved me =)
ps..how many pups do you have? i have 4, 2 chi/jrt mixes, 1 germ shep and 1 hound boy, as well as one foster, i am involved in rescue and being so involved planted the seed to striaghten up.. hence the name the pups saved me =)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
I think if we committed to sobriety with all that entails, including detox, crazy mixed up feelings, sometimes dispair bordering on hopelessness at times, we must intuit on some deep level that even all this is better than the lives we pretended to be living. All things worth having come with a cost. In the long run I think we'll find we got a bargain--recovery is priceless.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 43
Mycool...if only i knew when..when will normal feel good? Like theres a date and time somewhere where all this will be over..i know theres no such thing, just wishing there was.
Going to bed knowing i was straight today is a good feeling. Hope your feeling proud too Tenyearsgone! We got thru another one
Going to bed knowing i was straight today is a good feeling. Hope your feeling proud too Tenyearsgone! We got thru another one
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Sounds like we are both at the 2-3 week sober point. Yay us!! Veterinary medicine would be an awesome, challenging career move, I wish you much luck pursuing your dream!
My name came from the Led Zeppelin song that was playing when I joined up here. "Ten Years Gone" seemed perfectly fitting as I have been hardcore binge-drinking for 10 years. There have not been many points where I have been totally sober from everything. Even when not drinking, I was getting stoned. This is a strange land for me, too!
Lots of changes in my life right now, & I am hoping to go into a new career soon, too. Want to make sure I can pass a drug test before I try applying. It might sound silly, but I really want to go into cosmetics & maybe even be a makeup artist one day. I love doing my makeup, giving makeovers, etc. I hope we both keep up this good sobriety so we can pursue our dreams!
I have 4 pets. 3 dogs & 1 cat. I had 2 cats, but had to have one put to sleep 3 years ago as she had cancer
2 of my dogs are 14. One is a shepherd/lab mix, the other is a Manchester terrier mix. Our youngest is 2, he is a lab mix. Maybe part dachshund &/or pitbull -we can't be sure. He showed up on our property around 6 weeks of age & we took him in. They are all a big comfort to me & I am so thankful for them!
My name came from the Led Zeppelin song that was playing when I joined up here. "Ten Years Gone" seemed perfectly fitting as I have been hardcore binge-drinking for 10 years. There have not been many points where I have been totally sober from everything. Even when not drinking, I was getting stoned. This is a strange land for me, too!
Lots of changes in my life right now, & I am hoping to go into a new career soon, too. Want to make sure I can pass a drug test before I try applying. It might sound silly, but I really want to go into cosmetics & maybe even be a makeup artist one day. I love doing my makeup, giving makeovers, etc. I hope we both keep up this good sobriety so we can pursue our dreams!
I have 4 pets. 3 dogs & 1 cat. I had 2 cats, but had to have one put to sleep 3 years ago as she had cancer
2 of my dogs are 14. One is a shepherd/lab mix, the other is a Manchester terrier mix. Our youngest is 2, he is a lab mix. Maybe part dachshund &/or pitbull -we can't be sure. He showed up on our property around 6 weeks of age & we took him in. They are all a big comfort to me & I am so thankful for them!
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by MycoolFitz 
I think if we committed to sobriety with all that entails, including detox, crazy mixed up feelings, sometimes dispair bordering on hopelessness at times, we must intuit on some deep level that even all this is better than the lives we pretended to be living. All things worth having come with a cost. In the long run I think we'll find we got a bargain--recovery is priceless.
You are very helpful, MycoolFitz. Thank you for the words of wisdom!!!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi TYG - It's so normal to feel the way you were feeling....... The first Friday night I felt totally alone and depressed just thinking about people out having a good time. Of course, it was all in my mind.
The reality was that I hardly ever went out and when I did I usually drank waaaay too much, drove intoxicated, and most of the evening I wasn't even being myself because I was so dumbed down. Heck, I usually didn't even know if I was having a good time.
There's definitely a learning curve to this thing. It took me about 3 months to feel life was "normal" without a drink, to get to the point where I started actually enjoying the new sober me. But really, the first year was all about figuring out ways to not drink. Maybe you can work something out with your husband: like every other weekend, you and your husband can do something special (sober) together. Then figure out something special to do for yourself when your husband goes out with his friends.
(I read your very first post here and noticed that you said your husband is a recovering alcoholic? It would seem that he'd be interested in some sober activities too..... hmmm...... if he's smoking pot every night, and you're trying to stay sober, that could feel a bit lonely too.....?)
The reality was that I hardly ever went out and when I did I usually drank waaaay too much, drove intoxicated, and most of the evening I wasn't even being myself because I was so dumbed down. Heck, I usually didn't even know if I was having a good time.
There's definitely a learning curve to this thing. It took me about 3 months to feel life was "normal" without a drink, to get to the point where I started actually enjoying the new sober me. But really, the first year was all about figuring out ways to not drink. Maybe you can work something out with your husband: like every other weekend, you and your husband can do something special (sober) together. Then figure out something special to do for yourself when your husband goes out with his friends.
(I read your very first post here and noticed that you said your husband is a recovering alcoholic? It would seem that he'd be interested in some sober activities too..... hmmm...... if he's smoking pot every night, and you're trying to stay sober, that could feel a bit lonely too.....?)
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hey all! I didn't feel better until just a week ago!!! I'm almost 2.5+ months. I have to say that if I had a spouse that was getting high every night I probably wouldn't make it with him. JMHO. My husband quit with me. He said it was to have a united front. He treats me much differently now - more respect than ever. It feels good. I wanted to type this because I think if you are to be a "team" and live together "forever" you have to support one another. Again JMHO.
My obsession for alcohol or to alter my state of mind was strong. it's all I knew. Being without some sort of chemical in my body was just so odd to me! I think about alcohol like an ex. It was my EVERYTHING. Now I have to be outside swimming, anything to do with water and it saves me. We are all different so maybe animals are your thing. I have a Lab; love her to death. Talk about unconditional love, dogs are the BESTEST!
I wish all you success. It can be very lonely at first. I do have to just say lastly and I know I'm in a hurry here so sorry!!! AA has caused me to gain a ton of great sober friends. If you can find any kind of sober group of people to see on a regular basis I bet you'll make some new friends!!!
JMHO. My husband quit with me. He said it was to have a united front. He treats me much differently now - more respect than ever. It feels good. I wanted to type this because I think if you are to be a "team" and live together "forever" you have to support one another. Again JMHO.My obsession for alcohol or to alter my state of mind was strong. it's all I knew. Being without some sort of chemical in my body was just so odd to me! I think about alcohol like an ex. It was my EVERYTHING. Now I have to be outside swimming, anything to do with water and it saves me. We are all different so maybe animals are your thing. I have a Lab; love her to death. Talk about unconditional love, dogs are the BESTEST!
I wish all you success. It can be very lonely at first. I do have to just say lastly and I know I'm in a hurry here so sorry!!! AA has caused me to gain a ton of great sober friends. If you can find any kind of sober group of people to see on a regular basis I bet you'll make some new friends!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
For the past 20 yrs. I have protected my
own recovery and sobriety by distancing
myself from people, places and things.
Any of those 3 that deal with alcohol or
drugs which would and could put what
Ive invested in, my own program, for so
long in danger.
I have to remember that this is my own
disease and it is my own responsibility
to take care of it in a proper manner.
I can't expect anyone, including family
or friends to understand what alcoholism
is or what it has done to me if they are
not one.
I can explain till im blue in the face which
I have done in the past till I accepted I cant
change their thinking or understanding of why
I am who I am. An alcoholic.
So I have to love them at a distance while
I carry on my own life chosing to be happy
joyous and free of my addiction just for today.
In doing so, I enjoy my solitude, serenity, peace
of mind with others in recovery just like I.
Staying in the moment or day allows me to
have full day without worry. And lonliness
doesnt seem to be as bothersome as it use
to be especially now because I have a spouse
whom we share recovery togther and the joy
of riding together on our motorcycle free in
the wind and away from the worlds chaos.
What an awesome journey this has been for
me as I can't wait to see what happens in
more sober yrs ahead.
own recovery and sobriety by distancing
myself from people, places and things.
Any of those 3 that deal with alcohol or
drugs which would and could put what
Ive invested in, my own program, for so
long in danger.
I have to remember that this is my own
disease and it is my own responsibility
to take care of it in a proper manner.
I can't expect anyone, including family
or friends to understand what alcoholism
is or what it has done to me if they are
not one.
I can explain till im blue in the face which
I have done in the past till I accepted I cant
change their thinking or understanding of why
I am who I am. An alcoholic.
So I have to love them at a distance while
I carry on my own life chosing to be happy
joyous and free of my addiction just for today.
In doing so, I enjoy my solitude, serenity, peace
of mind with others in recovery just like I.
Staying in the moment or day allows me to
have full day without worry. And lonliness
doesnt seem to be as bothersome as it use
to be especially now because I have a spouse
whom we share recovery togther and the joy
of riding together on our motorcycle free in
the wind and away from the worlds chaos.
What an awesome journey this has been for
me as I can't wait to see what happens in
more sober yrs ahead.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
No one here would still be sober if if it wasn't better for them TYG
Don't let your addiction talk you down
Can you try and make some changes to your Friday night?
I realised pretty early on I wasn't in Alcatraz - I was simply no longer drinking.
There's a lot of stuff you can do on Friday night at home that doesn't involve drinking and is fun - hobbies, DVDs, read a book, learn an instrument...invite ppl around for a sober night of games...whatever. The world's your oyster
Try and remember - you're not being punished - you're making new and better choices for yourself
Don't let your addiction talk you down
This is Friday night #2 at home alone while my husband is out getting high with his friends & all my "friends" are out doing whatever they are doing.
I realised pretty early on I wasn't in Alcatraz - I was simply no longer drinking.
There's a lot of stuff you can do on Friday night at home that doesn't involve drinking and is fun - hobbies, DVDs, read a book, learn an instrument...invite ppl around for a sober night of games...whatever. The world's your oyster
Try and remember - you're not being punished - you're making new and better choices for yourself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 89
Going to the movies, taking a night time yoga class, going to a coffee shop (especially one with live music). Lots of fun sober things to do!
My husband still drinks but he cut way back and doesn't go out to do it. So it doesn't bother me. What your husband is doing would bother me personally. It might be that if he continues to participate in illegal activities (which I think is disrespectful to you and to your sobriety) it may be that the marriage will end. Not that I wish that on you - I was ready to end my marriage only a couple months ago because my husband was still staying up until 5am and drinking himself stupid. I laid it out for him: stop the late night binge drinking or I leave, and he chose to keep me. You might need to give your husband an ultimatum too.
My husband still drinks but he cut way back and doesn't go out to do it. So it doesn't bother me. What your husband is doing would bother me personally. It might be that if he continues to participate in illegal activities (which I think is disrespectful to you and to your sobriety) it may be that the marriage will end. Not that I wish that on you - I was ready to end my marriage only a couple months ago because my husband was still staying up until 5am and drinking himself stupid. I laid it out for him: stop the late night binge drinking or I leave, and he chose to keep me. You might need to give your husband an ultimatum too.
TenYearsGone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 56
Thank you all for your great comments! Every time I post here I am amazed that so many people are taking the time to give me some help
I do have a lot of interests & hobbies, I just need to start focusing on them more. Like Dee said, I'm not being punished. I am working on changing the way I look at things, the way I perceive things. I do have goals, I have just been feeling overwhelmed by the feelings coming up with recovery.
I guess the biggest reason I felt lonely that night was that my husband went out to get baked w/ his friends. I am not about to ask him to give it up. Doing so only serves to create resentment, that has to be his choice, not my decision to make for him. If he quits it for me, it either won't take or he will be angry at me for "trying to control" him, or both. I am trying to not let it bother me & maybe with more sober time under my belt, it will bother me less & less. I was a long-time smoker, too. I don't judge him on that. However, Idk if it will work out long-term.
I felt extra lonely knowing that if I was sitting here getting baked with him, he wouldn't have chosen his friends over me. Of course it's ok for him to go spend time with his guy friends, for some reason it just hit me wrong Friday night...probably because I was already feeling bummed about being the only totally sober person I know.
This week I am planning to attend an SOS meeting in the city nearest to us. I am a little nervous about it, but am hopeful that it will help me & that I won't feel so alone in this.
I do have a lot of interests & hobbies, I just need to start focusing on them more. Like Dee said, I'm not being punished. I am working on changing the way I look at things, the way I perceive things. I do have goals, I have just been feeling overwhelmed by the feelings coming up with recovery.
I guess the biggest reason I felt lonely that night was that my husband went out to get baked w/ his friends. I am not about to ask him to give it up. Doing so only serves to create resentment, that has to be his choice, not my decision to make for him. If he quits it for me, it either won't take or he will be angry at me for "trying to control" him, or both. I am trying to not let it bother me & maybe with more sober time under my belt, it will bother me less & less. I was a long-time smoker, too. I don't judge him on that. However, Idk if it will work out long-term.
I felt extra lonely knowing that if I was sitting here getting baked with him, he wouldn't have chosen his friends over me. Of course it's ok for him to go spend time with his guy friends, for some reason it just hit me wrong Friday night...probably because I was already feeling bummed about being the only totally sober person I know.
This week I am planning to attend an SOS meeting in the city nearest to us. I am a little nervous about it, but am hopeful that it will help me & that I won't feel so alone in this.
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