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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 518
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I am drinking tonight......why? I really couldn't tell you as to why I am...well, maybe a bit.
A close, very close, family friend died...a really tragic motorcycle accident and he was young too...only 47/48....
I don't deal with death very well. I never dealt with it growing up so I don't know how to react a lot of the time. I just usually feel like I am in limbo or something...I feel sad...lost...confused...confused mostly...I think back on memories over and over and feel this weird...well, feeling...
It's just consistently in the back of my mind...I just found out earlier today. The first thought that popped into my head was to drink...and to either forget about it...or be able to open up about it...since I can't do both without booze...
I was doing well...I was on week 2...well...week 2 part 1 all over again. I don't think this is going to be a good weekend either...
Some plans were cancelled...some were made for me, and these plans include people that are going to be there that are - what I call - "pushers". When you don't drink, they get defensive and weird...and I need to make a good impression because these people are my boyfriends bosses.
Anyways...not only that...but I am just having a very low self-esteem day as well and this death has hit home with me. I don't have family around since they live in the US...not only that but my parents were much closer to this man...and no one told them about his death...which makes it harder for them to deal with. They were away in Europe, but someone could have contacted them...they were so close. What is wrong with people???
So I also feel bad and have feelings of sadness and anxiety/stress for what my parents have to deal with as well.
No one wants to see their loved ones go through unneeded suffering on top of suffering.
Anyways...
I hope next week is better. I want to go back to the gym and just forget about stupid drinking. I hate it. I hate it!!!!!
And I can't deal with this death right now...my mind is trying to block it out...and it's solution is alcohol.
Sorry, I needed to rant...what a Friday before a long weekend...that's for sure. :/
A close, very close, family friend died...a really tragic motorcycle accident and he was young too...only 47/48....
I don't deal with death very well. I never dealt with it growing up so I don't know how to react a lot of the time. I just usually feel like I am in limbo or something...I feel sad...lost...confused...confused mostly...I think back on memories over and over and feel this weird...well, feeling...
It's just consistently in the back of my mind...I just found out earlier today. The first thought that popped into my head was to drink...and to either forget about it...or be able to open up about it...since I can't do both without booze...
I was doing well...I was on week 2...well...week 2 part 1 all over again. I don't think this is going to be a good weekend either...
Some plans were cancelled...some were made for me, and these plans include people that are going to be there that are - what I call - "pushers". When you don't drink, they get defensive and weird...and I need to make a good impression because these people are my boyfriends bosses.
Anyways...not only that...but I am just having a very low self-esteem day as well and this death has hit home with me. I don't have family around since they live in the US...not only that but my parents were much closer to this man...and no one told them about his death...which makes it harder for them to deal with. They were away in Europe, but someone could have contacted them...they were so close. What is wrong with people???
So I also feel bad and have feelings of sadness and anxiety/stress for what my parents have to deal with as well.
No one wants to see their loved ones go through unneeded suffering on top of suffering.
Anyways...
I hope next week is better. I want to go back to the gym and just forget about stupid drinking. I hate it. I hate it!!!!!
And I can't deal with this death right now...my mind is trying to block it out...and it's solution is alcohol.
Sorry, I needed to rant...what a Friday before a long weekend...that's for sure. :/
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
My disease wants me dead. I will go to any lengths to keep my sobriety. Today I have faith and tools to use which help me to Grow up. May you get sober.
Condolences to you. You don't have to drink to prolong your pain.
Condolences to you. You don't have to drink to prolong your pain.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I'm sorry for your loss, Bayliss.
I don't deal with death or tragedy very well either but I'm not sure anyone does.
We're meant to feel sad, meant to feel grief - it's a natural reaction...it's a process...we grieve and we deal, we may even learn and grow from the experience.
Drinking stopped all that for me. I was just lost in the sadness, drunk and spinning my wheels - sometimes for years on end.
One tragedy is enough.
Don't lose yourself in sadness Bayliss.
take care of yourself
D
I don't deal with death or tragedy very well either but I'm not sure anyone does.
We're meant to feel sad, meant to feel grief - it's a natural reaction...it's a process...we grieve and we deal, we may even learn and grow from the experience.
Drinking stopped all that for me. I was just lost in the sadness, drunk and spinning my wheels - sometimes for years on end.
One tragedy is enough.
Don't lose yourself in sadness Bayliss.
take care of yourself
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
my mother died on May 3 after a long painful illness that took her mind and her body..I got to watch it for 2 years...
I stayed sober both for ME and to honor her memory.
I think you need to focus on your friend, not an excuse to drink. the longer you put off your sobriety, the harder it will be...
You can start and stop and ultimately you just get further into the pit...same for me.
I stayed sober both for ME and to honor her memory.
I think you need to focus on your friend, not an excuse to drink. the longer you put off your sobriety, the harder it will be...
You can start and stop and ultimately you just get further into the pit...same for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I am so sorry you have to go trough this. I lost my grandmother when I was 26 and it was one of the reasons I started drinking every day to deal with the sadness and the feeling of being lost. The alcohol killed the sadness, but it also hindered me to experinece happyness. After 14 years in the grip of alcohol I am free now and looking back drinking was the worst I could have done to deal with this. Alcohol is not a solution.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I guess I am going to be another "stone cold sober" responder here.
The only way to get and stay sober is to decide we are not going to use, no matter what. If we make reservations, decide we won't drink "until" such and such situation arises...we are just in holding pattern until...
And if we say, well, I am drinking to deal with death, divorce, job loss, etc...what we REALLY mean, if we are honest is that we are drinking so we don't have to deal with..whatever it is we don't want to or know how to deal with.
The only way to learn how to deal with death, divorce, job loss or any other such unpleasant situation, is to go through it. We already know, if we've found our way here, how to NOT deal with it. We are experts at not dealing. Time to learn how to deal.
I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. I am even more sorry that you compounded the tragedy by drinking again. I am very very happy you came here, because I and the others here totally understand and support you in the difficulties that come along with recovery. We DO understand, but we cannot (and I don't think you are asking us to) support relapse. We can't. Period.
I hear and feel for you about how difficult this situation is, you can handle it, and you can handle it sober. You can handle it much better sober, even if it feels painful, scary, overwhelming. coming here and getting it out is a great start.
A few months ago I got into a really painful scary situation. I didn't want to have to deal with the overwhelming feelings. So I began to use, and in a matter of hours I had overdosed and had to have my door kicked down and be hauled off to the hospital. Yeah, that really solved everything...NOT. I may have sweated and suffered through another painful scary night had I not picked up, but that would have been way better than the repercussions of my relapse, physically, emotionally, and materially.
My previous sobriety/recovery plan was "I won't use..until" and that didn't work out so well, so now it has to be, "I won't use". I white knuckle it through a lot of days and nights, but I'm learning how to deal rather than how to not deal. And I know you can too. I mean it when I say "you (and I) never have to use again."
The only way to get and stay sober is to decide we are not going to use, no matter what. If we make reservations, decide we won't drink "until" such and such situation arises...we are just in holding pattern until...
And if we say, well, I am drinking to deal with death, divorce, job loss, etc...what we REALLY mean, if we are honest is that we are drinking so we don't have to deal with..whatever it is we don't want to or know how to deal with.
The only way to learn how to deal with death, divorce, job loss or any other such unpleasant situation, is to go through it. We already know, if we've found our way here, how to NOT deal with it. We are experts at not dealing. Time to learn how to deal.
I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. I am even more sorry that you compounded the tragedy by drinking again. I am very very happy you came here, because I and the others here totally understand and support you in the difficulties that come along with recovery. We DO understand, but we cannot (and I don't think you are asking us to) support relapse. We can't. Period.
I hear and feel for you about how difficult this situation is, you can handle it, and you can handle it sober. You can handle it much better sober, even if it feels painful, scary, overwhelming. coming here and getting it out is a great start.
A few months ago I got into a really painful scary situation. I didn't want to have to deal with the overwhelming feelings. So I began to use, and in a matter of hours I had overdosed and had to have my door kicked down and be hauled off to the hospital. Yeah, that really solved everything...NOT. I may have sweated and suffered through another painful scary night had I not picked up, but that would have been way better than the repercussions of my relapse, physically, emotionally, and materially.
My previous sobriety/recovery plan was "I won't use..until" and that didn't work out so well, so now it has to be, "I won't use". I white knuckle it through a lot of days and nights, but I'm learning how to deal rather than how to not deal. And I know you can too. I mean it when I say "you (and I) never have to use again."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I'm sorry for your loss. I can understand being vulnerable too, just two weeks into sobriety.
I hope you make tomorrow Day 1. I think it's not only the best thing to do for ourselves, but the best thing to do for those we love. And it seems a fitting way to honor the memory of those we've lost as well. I think allowing ourselves to feel a loss, and to mourn it, is how we recognize the special place someone had in our lives.
I hope you make tomorrow Day 1. I think it's not only the best thing to do for ourselves, but the best thing to do for those we love. And it seems a fitting way to honor the memory of those we've lost as well. I think allowing ourselves to feel a loss, and to mourn it, is how we recognize the special place someone had in our lives.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
Hey, sorry about your loss. I'm not in AA myself but remember you posting that you had an interest. It seems like a sponsor would have come in real handy tonight. This is part of your process. Learning that you don't control alcohol.
I do not think the above answers are cold. This is a forum where we are guaranteed support in getting help and staying sober. Bayliss, you will continue to come back, and you know we will continue to support your recovery? Of course you do
I do not think the above answers are cold. This is a forum where we are guaranteed support in getting help and staying sober. Bayliss, you will continue to come back, and you know we will continue to support your recovery? Of course you do
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Bayliss, I am so sorry you lost a dear friend today. I understand your feelings and why you picked up the bottle.
I lost my darling sister to a brain tumor 3 years ago. I drank a HUGE amount the night I got the phone call that she passed....and I continued for the next three years. It never stopped. I always had the reason that she had died to pick up that drink again.
Please, don't be like me. Make tomorrow day 1 again. You can do this.
Hugs.
I lost my darling sister to a brain tumor 3 years ago. I drank a HUGE amount the night I got the phone call that she passed....and I continued for the next three years. It never stopped. I always had the reason that she had died to pick up that drink again.
Please, don't be like me. Make tomorrow day 1 again. You can do this.
Hugs.
Journey of Recovery
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 621
bayliss, I am sorry for your loss. I hope the weekend is better for you.
For me, before I got sober and was given tools of recovery, I always drank when the s--t hit the fan. I didn't know how to cope with life. Now that I am sober, I have tools that I use instead of picking up a drink. I can:
1)Call another alcoholic
2)Go to a meeting
3)Call sponsor
4)Get on SR/ SR Chat
5)Pray/Meditate
AA is but one path. There are many ways to recovery.
These are a few things that I do. There are many. I'm sure there are things that other members do that help them not pick up a drink when tragedy strikes in their lives.
I know it is difficult but you can get through this sober.
For me, before I got sober and was given tools of recovery, I always drank when the s--t hit the fan. I didn't know how to cope with life. Now that I am sober, I have tools that I use instead of picking up a drink. I can:
1)Call another alcoholic
2)Go to a meeting
3)Call sponsor
4)Get on SR/ SR Chat
5)Pray/Meditate
AA is but one path. There are many ways to recovery.
These are a few things that I do. There are many. I'm sure there are things that other members do that help them not pick up a drink when tragedy strikes in their lives.
I know it is difficult but you can get through this sober.
Last edited by Kablume; 07-30-2011 at 04:39 AM. Reason: addition
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