hibou

I've been wondering why I have been chronically relapsing. Why can I not do it while others can why do I just give up, throw in the towel and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: You never really wanted it -- it meaning sobriety. I knew I had to give up drinking in order to get my life back and so I tried and tried and would relapse, suffer the consequences and then try and hop back on again.
Instead of wanting the things in life that sobriety will bring, I have to want sobriety in itself and the ability to live with life on lifes terms.
I sounds so basic. How is it that I was unable to understand this for so long?
Anyway, off to my day and night. Sure my life's situation isn't great, but if I get better that will be a great start.
Thanks for listening!

kiki5711

I also have to get to these "flash bulb" moments in order to change, otherwise I have an incredible way of making excuses till the cows come home and no change happens.

Jabbadabutt

I too had to figure this out on my own. I tried before but was never fully ready. I came to a point when i knew it was not going to get any better on its own, and I needed action. I needed to change my thinking.....not just change my drinking.

TenYearsGone

Insightful post, thank you for sharing your lightbulb moment!

Symmetry

That reminds me of myself 10 days ago! Thank you! It also reminds me that I gotta keep that momentum and thinking close to my heart. I come here for support, inspiration and reminders just like this. It's comforting that there are others who can relate.

Snarf

I often had the same thought when I stopped drinking. I would get all caught up in worrying about how I was going to live without a drink, then I would look around me at the people in the AA rooms and on SR.com, and I would think, "Well, if these people can do it, then there's absolutely no reason in the world that I can't." I don't think of myself as an arrogant type of person, but I do have a pretty high opinion of myself and my abilities, and I also believe that God gives me strength that I couldn't access on my own. So whether it's putting down the bottle, or getting good grades in school, or working hard at my job and getting promoted, I often have the thought, "If somebody else can do it, then I know I can." And you know what? I'm usually correct about that.

And my own experience is proof that it can work for others as well. If my degenerate, no good, alcoholic self can stay away from booze, then I fully believe the same is true for any other person out there.

artsoul

That's a wonderful insight..... There really is something special about those realizations, like a mental shift where we finally see the obvious. If only we didn't have to go through so much h*ll to get there!

The first time I had one of those "clicks" was when I realized that as much as I thought I would get sober "sometime," I was just kidding myself. I saw that I was going to keep drinking the next day and the next and the next. The future suddenly wasn't vague anymore - it was going to be filled with hospital bills, not being able to work, losing the respect of my children, etc..... That was the first moment of clarity and it brought me here.

It really wasn't until I already had some sober time that I was able to have the kind of insight you're talking about. Like you said, wanting "sobriety itself" means being the best we can be. It wouldn't have made any sense to me while I was just trying to get through the anxiety and misery of each day drinking. It took a while to believe things could be better, that I could be better. It took a while to get used to a different kind of reward: feeling good about myself. Today I'm so thankful because I actually like that feeling of being able and ready and engaged in life. Thanks for your post!

yogaisland

I know what you mean about something just clicking in your head - that's what it's done for me, and it's how I know that I can do this. I smoked in college and made half hearted attempts to quit at my mother's insistence (ironically she was an alcoholic and pillhead, but loathed smoking.) Anyway, I could never go even one day without a cigarette. That's because I didn't really want to quit. I was trying to do it for someone else and not for me. But when I got into my senior year of college and realized that I was not going to be able to get smoke breaks as a teacher (and also got sick of having colds & bronchitis all the time) I just made a firm decision that I was done. My husband continued to smoke for 3 months after I quit but it never bothered me or tempted me - because I had quit smoking for ME. Now the thing I have quit is drinking, and once again my husband still does it (in moderation), but I don't even care - I am not drinking for ME. I want to have a sober life, I want to go to sleep and wake up clearheaded, I want to keep feeling good about myself. And only I can make that happen... I'm just so glad to finally be sober!