Can't stop the vodka...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Can't stop the vodka...
I can't seem to go a day without a pint of vodka. It used to be a half pint. Now even the pint of vodka barely seems to make me drunk.
I am so ashamed of wasting 10 dollars a day on this. No one in my life knows about it. I am a major secret alcoholic.
The thing I hate the most is that my mom was the same way when I was growing up. She always came back from doing "the laundry" slurring her words.
If I wasn't so secretive I could join a group for help. But if I go to AA it will cause a gigantic problem in my "real" life.
I am new to this forum, so hello everyone.
I am so ashamed of wasting 10 dollars a day on this. No one in my life knows about it. I am a major secret alcoholic.
The thing I hate the most is that my mom was the same way when I was growing up. She always came back from doing "the laundry" slurring her words.
If I wasn't so secretive I could join a group for help. But if I go to AA it will cause a gigantic problem in my "real" life.
I am new to this forum, so hello everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 551
Hello and welcome, I am glad you reached out. This site and support has been key for me in gaining sobriety. I think the first thing that you need to do is set about talking to your dr, confidential and then say HELP me to stop and detox. Once you get some time not drinking under your belt you will gain clarity and traction. We are all here for you. Keep posting and reading.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Hello and welcome! You are definitely in good company! Someone in your family has to know.... How long have you been drinking? Tell us your story when you can. It may help to find others you can really relate to. Believe me the pain of feeling like a slave to a drug is insanity! I'm sorry you have to go through this; that anyone does.
Guest
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Welcome Esperanza. Don't be so sure that no one knows. I used to think that. They may not know exactly what is going on but they know something is. Reading your story gave me chills because that is exactly where I was before things got real bad and decided I could no longer live like that. I can only tell you that if you do not get help soon, it will get worse. I understand that it will cause a problem but believe me when I tell you, if you do not stop soon, your problems will be worse. Consider talking to your physician. If you decide to quit, detox can be dangerous. Please seek help.
Your life is too important. Who knows, you may find support from those you worry about. Good luck
Your life is too important. Who knows, you may find support from those you worry about. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Esperanza 
The thing I hate the most is that my mom was the same way when I was growing up. She always came back from doing "the laundry" slurring her words.
If I wasn't so secretive....
Maybe she thought she was pretty secretive herself?
Welcome to SR! You are in the right place, keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
Vodka was the booze that ended my drinking career.
If I were you the first thing I would do is get some medical assistance for the detox. Quitting drinking cold turkey can cause your blood pressure to spike which could be dangerous.
The second thing I would do is get some help, probably from AA. You've described yourself as a "major secretive alcoholic." I bet 99% of the people in any AA meeting has been secretive about their drinking at some point. Bottom line, you will find a group of people who understand what you are going through, and who also have found a solution to their drinking problem.
If I were you the first thing I would do is get some medical assistance for the detox. Quitting drinking cold turkey can cause your blood pressure to spike which could be dangerous.
The second thing I would do is get some help, probably from AA. You've described yourself as a "major secretive alcoholic." I bet 99% of the people in any AA meeting has been secretive about their drinking at some point. Bottom line, you will find a group of people who understand what you are going through, and who also have found a solution to their drinking problem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
"Secrets" are usually about "bad" things and sobriety and recovery are not bad or dirty. About people knowing or not or judging, you were at 1/2 pint then pint next it'll be a quart, people will know if they don't already (did your mother know you knew?). And what's it really matter compared to your physical, mental and emotional health? As far as problems in your "real" life, active alcoholics don't have real lives, we create our own realities. I wish the best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Wow...it makes me feel so emotional that complete strangers are reaching out to me. Thank you.
If I had to tell my story in bulletpoints:
-Mom: alcoholic
-Dad: very mentally ill
-sister 1: VERY mentally ill
-sister 2: mentally ill with a penchant towards being a porno actress
I am the oldest of 3, in a very dysfunctional and addictive family. If I was to tell the whole story it would probably sound fake. I am the "white sheep" of my family. Lucky me! haha
I was the first and only one to go to college. Pregnant and having to take the 5:15 a.m. bus but I did it. I graduated with a B.A. in liberal studies and a teaching credential.
Then I had a beautiful teaching job for 5 years. I felt sooo fulfilled. Like I was living my destiny. The children I worked with--I will remember them forever.
Fastforward to being laid off by my charter school principal...with no reason why. He basically just didn't like me. Even though I had at least 5 parents specifically requesting me for their child for the next year.
Now I have been out of work for a year...I feel like I am at the bottom of a hill that I just don't have the oomph to climb again.
The drinking is making it worse...but at the same time it makes it better because it takes my mind out of the day-to-day.
I came from poverty and extreme dysfunction...had a great job and lost it.
I am so sad that I can't stand it.
Not to mention that I am married to a super traditional Latino male...if he ever knew about my drinking problem there would be no explaining...(Sometimes I feel like Lucy Ricardo, it's sick)
I send good vibes to all that happen to read this...
If I had to tell my story in bulletpoints:
-Mom: alcoholic
-Dad: very mentally ill
-sister 1: VERY mentally ill
-sister 2: mentally ill with a penchant towards being a porno actress
I am the oldest of 3, in a very dysfunctional and addictive family. If I was to tell the whole story it would probably sound fake. I am the "white sheep" of my family. Lucky me! haha
I was the first and only one to go to college. Pregnant and having to take the 5:15 a.m. bus but I did it. I graduated with a B.A. in liberal studies and a teaching credential.
Then I had a beautiful teaching job for 5 years. I felt sooo fulfilled. Like I was living my destiny. The children I worked with--I will remember them forever.
Fastforward to being laid off by my charter school principal...with no reason why. He basically just didn't like me. Even though I had at least 5 parents specifically requesting me for their child for the next year.
Now I have been out of work for a year...I feel like I am at the bottom of a hill that I just don't have the oomph to climb again.
The drinking is making it worse...but at the same time it makes it better because it takes my mind out of the day-to-day.
I came from poverty and extreme dysfunction...had a great job and lost it.
I am so sad that I can't stand it.
Not to mention that I am married to a super traditional Latino male...if he ever knew about my drinking problem there would be no explaining...(Sometimes I feel like Lucy Ricardo, it's sick)
I send good vibes to all that happen to read this...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Best vibes and karma back. I was a teacher and educator for 35 years. Eventually my drinking just made me to dis-eased to continue. The world and the futures still out there, if you want it you can make it happen--but not through the bottle.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I am also the "white sheep"... well, not so much anymore, my siblings are succesful happy and awesome people... back in the day, it was all about alcoholic parents and dysfunction and divorce... and unhappiness... I was the only one to leave that mess while it was happening and go off to school... I was the rebel, LOL
But getting educated, getting a good job, all that... doesn't immunize anyone from the dangers of alcohol and drug abuse/addiction...
Get recovered... doesn't have to be AA, but I still don't get the whole secretive thing... I mean, no one has anything to hide at AA, LOL...
But getting educated, getting a good job, all that... doesn't immunize anyone from the dangers of alcohol and drug abuse/addiction...
Get recovered... doesn't have to be AA, but I still don't get the whole secretive thing... I mean, no one has anything to hide at AA, LOL...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
HI Esperanza - welcome 
I was a secretive drinker too - trouble was the longer I drank the less secretive and the more obvious I become.
I know you can think of a million quite valid reasons not to go to AA or some other face to face group - thats pretty common.
I hope you find that SR is enough for you - but if it's not, please give all yr options consideration....nothing is more important than your well-being
D
I was a secretive drinker too - trouble was the longer I drank the less secretive and the more obvious I become.
I know you can think of a million quite valid reasons not to go to AA or some other face to face group - thats pretty common.
I hope you find that SR is enough for you - but if it's not, please give all yr options consideration....nothing is more important than your well-being
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Spain
Posts: 298
Please Esperanza (beautiful spanish name), ask for help: doctor, counsellor, therapist, AA... Please dont continue drinking that pint of vodka... most probably it will get worse: first, half a pint, then one pint, and then... what? Now, even one pint is not enough. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so if you continue drinking, it always get worse, never better. Please take care. Sorry, my english is not very good
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi Esperanza,
Welcome!
I was a secret drinker and worked really hard to hide it from friends and family. I always drank, alone, at home. Of course, my family eventually figured out what was going on and I realized I wasn't as good at hiding things as I thought.
Honestly, I think the lying and living a secret life took so much out of me. I would always be wondering if I had called someone while I was drinking and forgotten, if I had hidden a bottle or left it out and on and on. It was exhausting.
Have you tried looking for another teaching job? You have experience now, so hopefully you can find a job opening, even part-time.
There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
Welcome!
I was a secret drinker and worked really hard to hide it from friends and family. I always drank, alone, at home. Of course, my family eventually figured out what was going on and I realized I wasn't as good at hiding things as I thought.
Honestly, I think the lying and living a secret life took so much out of me. I would always be wondering if I had called someone while I was drinking and forgotten, if I had hidden a bottle or left it out and on and on. It was exhausting.
Have you tried looking for another teaching job? You have experience now, so hopefully you can find a job opening, even part-time.
There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Hey, sweetie. I am a mom too. Sorry you are going through this.
Can I just ask one question re: If you are successfully keeping your drinking a secret, is there a reason you couldn't keep AA a secret for now at least? At least one of those secrets would be helping you and your child.
I know how hard this is. I am grateful that I have gotten some help with this because my kids probably would be without a mom right now.
Much love.
Can I just ask one question re:
Originally Posted by Esperanza
But if I go to AA it will cause a gigantic problem in my "real" life.
I know how hard this is. I am grateful that I have gotten some help with this because my kids probably would be without a mom right now.
Much love.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,944
There is more that one way to recover from alcohol addiction. Being around supportive people that honor other peoples recovery choices has help me greatly. SR in that respect can offer you that as you move into a sober lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
Have you ever thought about joining a club on meetup.com? There are 10000 different group of interest people get together. It may be a good way to enjoy something you like and it will keep you busy and not drink. That way you don't have to go to AA.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New Hope, PA
Posts: 114
Welcome Esperanza,
I am also a newbie, but not to alcohol. I don't think it matters where you go for help, as long as you do. You say you don't want anyone to know about your drinking...neither did I. But let me clue you in...more people know then you think. The people around you see a behavior change and possibly you may have made phone calls etc. when under the influence. I thought no one knew, but everyone I was close to caught on. Like you I did my drinking at home alone, but they still knew. Like you I didn't want to get help, because I would have to admit to my love ones that I have a problem. But they knew and I am now on SR and in just a few days I have stopped drinking and feel soooo much better. This is a safe place where you can remain anonoymous and everyone is helpful, understanding and caring. My best to you!
I am also a newbie, but not to alcohol. I don't think it matters where you go for help, as long as you do. You say you don't want anyone to know about your drinking...neither did I. But let me clue you in...more people know then you think. The people around you see a behavior change and possibly you may have made phone calls etc. when under the influence. I thought no one knew, but everyone I was close to caught on. Like you I did my drinking at home alone, but they still knew. Like you I didn't want to get help, because I would have to admit to my love ones that I have a problem. But they knew and I am now on SR and in just a few days I have stopped drinking and feel soooo much better. This is a safe place where you can remain anonoymous and everyone is helpful, understanding and caring. My best to you!
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