WeakLink

ugh! That about sums up how I feel in this moment. I'm new here so I'll do the standard introductions first. I'm a 30 year old woman and haven't had a drink in 20 days and haven't had any pills in 21 days. Maybe there's more to me but it feels like nothing else really matters.

Honestly I don't even really know what I'm doing here. I guess somewhere subconciously I really don't want to drink again but on the surface I do. I really really do. I don't have any big bad story to share, I didn't "hit bottom" so to speak. I come from family full of alcoholics and addicts and I've seen and been saddened by a lot of things I've seen family members go through and I guess I just knew I was headed in the same direction and figured it would be easier to stop now rather than in 30 years. The stupid thing about it is that I totally was(am?) one of those people who while I knew I was an alcoholic, I didn't think it was "that bad". I have done stupid things because of drinking but I can still function like a normal person (ie. haven't lost my job or friends, nobody in my family knows etc.) But like I said, I just figured I wouldn't be any better able to keep it manageable than anyone else in my family and figured waiting until it was "really bad" would only make it harder. Then I stopped and discovered I'm an idiot and I had a way bigger problem than I knew. If I wasn't "very" addicted then it wouldn't be hard to stop right? I mean, I would have no problem at all giving up brussels sprouts! lol
So yeah, that's pretty much how I found out I needed to drink more than I knew.

So now that it's been 20 days, I'm wondering when things get better? I feel terrible. I can't function at all. I don't want to get out of bed, I have to struggle to work, I can't clean my house. I just want to crawl into a dark cave and stay there forever. I am not crying all the time or anything I just have this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness floating over me all the time. I suppose it isn't new, I just always dealt with it before by drinking. When I had a few beers I could clean my house, or finish my work (I work from home). When I had a few beers I didn't think about the fact that I'm totally broke and never really know how I'm going to pay my rent. When I was drunk it didn't bother me that I am a useless waste of space with zero friends. Now I'm sober and don't know how on earth do deal with this stuff. I've been on every antidepressant known to man but they have never worked (plus I have had my issues with pills and figure I should probably stay away from that anyway) I have been in numerous support groups and done my fair share of therapy and I'm still like this so I don't have much faith in any of that either. I have no interest in any hobbies because everything I used to enjoy is all stuff I did drunk. I love to paint but I ALWAYS got drunk first and now I just don't want to if I can't drink too.

I have also been so terribly irritable. I get seriously annoyed with pretty much anyone I come into contact with and I am generally the easiest person to get along with. I also am SO tired all the time. I figured the first while would suck but this is just getting worse and worse. Has anyone else felt worse before they feel better? How friggin long does this last?? So far being sober totally blows and I just want to crack open a case and clean my damn house already!

Latte

Welcome. I am so glad you are here. I hope you'll hang around and keep posting.

Squizz

For me, things got really good around six months. So good in fact, I got loaded after seven months. I thought I wasn't that bad as well. What a mistake that was. This set forth what I like to call my "five year bottom". Take it from me..........life drinking and drugging will NEVER be as good as a sober life. I've been on both sides of the coin. Once you get a decent amount of clean time, you will never drink or drug the same again. Don't quit before the miracle happens. It does get better. It might not seem like it, but it will.

And congrats on almost three weeks. That in itself is a minor miracle.

WeakLink

I guess I will have to take your word for it. Right now it's one of those situations where what is going through my head doesn't match up with how I feel. My head is telling me that being sober HAS to be better but I just don't feel it, ya know? I suppose how could I know, I have never really been sober as an adult. I first started drinking when I was 12 or 13 and then in high school I had a boyfriend who's mom would pull for us and I started bringing beer to school in my travel coffee mug. How I never got caught I will never understand. I never have been busted though, all those times drinking IN CLASS and I still was on the honour roll, when I was in my early 20's I would drive drunk from time to time and never got caught and would only get into accidents when I hadn't been drinking (go figure), the job I have now was a telephone interview and I had been totally messed up on pills for days and I still somehow managed to get the job. I remember hanging up from the interview and actually laughing at myself for how horrible I thought I sounded but for some unknown reason they hired me anyway. I've gotten pretty good at going about my life being either high or more often drunk that just don't know how to BE sober. I know it sounds stupid but without drinking I feel totally lost.

NobleCause

I was like this for awhile too - I managed to drink and use my way thru a lot of life with minimal external turbulence. But then one day that stopped being the case, and, one by one, things just started falling apart in a major way. Tho you might be capable of keeping it together somewhat at this point, you also seem to realize that this thing can snowball and that now would be the time to deal with it if you don't want to accumulate all of those "bottoms" that'll begin racking up.

It's very tough in the beginning - even after the withdrawals, I had a lot of confusing, frustrating, irritable days and I resented needing to learn new ways to approach just about everything. But if you can find some support and some productive goals to focus on and chip away at, slowly but surely you'll find that things get easier, lighter, and brighter. It might be hard to imagine from where you stand right now, but it will get better if you stick with it, and it is so very worth it.

Pigtails

Hi, I just want to say I can relate. I am 30 years old too, and haven't had a horrible rock bottom experience but can see myself headed in that direction if I don't knock it off. Sometimes I think just awareness/moderation will be enough and other times I think I need to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. Ten days is as long as I've lasted. And I can relate to the feelings of pointlessness and despondency.

For me the issue is that I drank because I didn't like myself. I felt uncomfortable with myself around most other people unless I was drinking. And I felt uncomfortable sitting in silence alone with myself. I pretty much was just always uncomfortable with myself. So take away the alcohol and here I am... still uncomfortable with myself, and with life in general, and without the alcohol to numb that feeling or help me escape from it.

I can't offer much advice because you are further along than I am in terms of sobriety but I do take other people's word for it that it gets better with time. I am trying to get to know myself sober, love myself, do good things for myself, and figure out what I want in my life and how to get it. I know I can't do those things and get drunk. I've also found that making myself do things, or faking it until I make it, helps. Just staying at home under the covers is better than not drinking but to me it's not better than having a fulfilling life. So even if I have to force myself, I try to think about what I should be doing/what I want to be doing, or take the advice of others here, and it seems to bring some improvement.

After reading the comments of those wiser and stronger, I definitely say stick with it... you won't know how you feel sober until you give yourself a real chance. I think that like with everything else that means more time. Good luck.

ACT10Npack

It seem like you have internal issues that you need to face before you will be happy again. Have you ever thought about going to see a counselor? You may be suffering in depression and self medicating with alcohol. Look in to this before it gets even worst.

Englishrose70

If you have never known any other reality since the age of 12 and you are now 30 then no wonder you are finding it hard.

What is not normal or healthy had become normality for you.

It will get better but your body is in massive withdrawl, you have to give it chance to re-balance. 18 years drinking (and whatever else) and you are expecting to feel good after just 20 days? Probably a bit unrealistic I would suggest, you need to manage those expectations, your poor body has been throught the mill.

One thing you can be 100% sure of. Alcohol and substance abuse is a seductive beast of massive stealth proportions. The descent into the abyss is so gradual that you will not notice until your life is spiralling out of control, even then, many choose to ignore or deny the warning signs until desperation and desolation of mind, body and soul has occurred.

Listen to your head, the withdrawl symptoms are just the beast trying to tempt you. You have deprived it of its fix and so its throwing its toys out of the pram, massively.

DONT give up, get on here as much as poss, a life sober really is worth fighting for.

Get on the forums where people have been clean 6 months or more, their input is invaluable and you will find their early struggles resonate with you and yours.

Hope you make the right decision, you are in the right place

Dee74

Hi Weak Link

I drank, hard, for 20 years - it took me more than 20 days to adjust to sobriety - I think it's always going to be that way for someone who had drinking as central to their life for so long.

It does get better tho - and on the nights I couldn't quite believe that, I found support here and believed the posters who told me it would get better.

They were right - we have no reason to lie to you

I know it's rough - but it is worth it.
I can look at myself in the mirror again - I like who I am.

I don't regret my decision to get sober at all.
I know you won't either

Welcome
D

WeakLink

geez I never really thought of it in that light before. I really don't feel like I'm that old and I've spent the last 18 years of my life with booze and pills?? god, what a depressing thought. On one hand I feel like then all the more reason to friggin cut it out now and on the other hand I feel like there's no point, I might as well give in and just go with it. I'm so conflicted. Like I mentioned, pretty well everyone in my family over the age of 14 either has or has had issues with drugs/alcohol. So again, on one hand I feel like I should know better than to let myself anywhere near it and on the other hand I feel like I'm just fighting a losing battle and this is just who I was meant to be. But then I feel like I really need to prove that it doesn't have to be this way. I have 3 kids and my oldest is 13. His being the same age I was when I started drinking scares the ever living s*** out of me!

I also keep telling myself that it's ok for right now because I haven't committed myself to anything. The idea of NEVER drinking again is so daunting that I keep saying to myself that 'it's just for now, not forever'. I still also have 4 beers in my fridge right now. I can't bring myself to get rid of them, it feels like getting rid of my best friend. Maybe it's stupid to still have them but the fact that it's only 4 makes it a little easier. 4 isn't anywhere close enough to get drunk so it's a little easier to say no to them, like if I can't get smashed then what's the point in drinking them?

I don't know, i'm sure it's a bad idea and maybe I'm setting myself up for failure. I also just now realized how much I keep saying 'I don't know'. hmm maybe there's something to that.

Dee74

I wasn;t sure I was committed to the forver think either - one day at a time works if that all you can stomach...I found I changed my perspective on forever after a while

I would dump the beer tho - to me that's like going into this expecting to lose...it only takes a minute to make a bad decision...then you're into it...4 slammed down...then down the road for some more.

Been there done that.

D

WeakLink

Thank you

I don't doubt that everyone is being honest when they say it's better being sober, I just can't understand why or how? What's better since you stopped drinking?

charles313

Im very close to you in timing I quit drinking and smoking cigs 18 days ago... as much as I don't want to admit it because I would more than love to down some shots but everyday it gets better, easier and if you were using alcohol to drownd out or bury bad feelings you should check out counseling... & if ur poor like I am or don't have good insurance check at your local community center for where they might offer free counseling best of luck to you & stay strong!

Dee74

well sobriety's not a magic wand - my life is still pretty rough in a lot of ways - I have a lot of physical problems - I'm disabled, not much money - and I have all the usual problems that life sends...

But none of that matters as much anymore.

Sure, I'm undeniably healthier and a little richer, but that doesn't matter the most either.

It's the changes in me that matter.

I'm more together, I have a good deal more self respect and my life has a lot more meaning. I do things with my time that matter.

I could never have had all that had I stayed drunk.

Like I said before, I like myself and my life now - I could never say that as an adult before.

I have a sense of peace too - no matter what happens, I tend to stay pretty much level.

For someone who lived in chaos and fear most of his life, even before he started drugging and drinking, I can't put a price on that.

None of that just fell on me - I had to work at it - but staying sober made that possible.

To sum it up in one sentence - my life used to make me think about dying, now I want to live as long as I can....and if that makes me sound like a salesman, I'm sorry - but I'm 100% genuine

I hope you'll stick with us WL

D

michelle01

I used to drink when doing household chores, but towards the end when I drank nothing would get done, I'd get wasted/paralytic and not much else, didn't socialize, I only knew how to lift up the glass. I spent the last few years feeling just numb when I wasn't in pain and as if I'd wasted a lot of time. That's how it can be once it progresses, when you stop being as 'functional'. The still 'functional' stage of the disease often just masks further dependence and tolerance, which means people are usually in denial.

20 days can be one of the most difficult stages I think, you're in the middle of a big healing process. Try to sort out what needs to be done, break it down into manageable bits you can do a bit at a time. Or I liked one suggestion, use the money you save from not drinking to hire someone else to do some cleaning/odd jobs.

I think the rest has been said about getting some personal support, reaching out, etc. My quality of life overall is much better now not drinking, I became tired of being controlled and driven by a substance that never let up in its appetite. I have other things I care about now that have a lot more meaning. I like being able to wake up in the morning and not having the former evening erased, wondering what I may have done that I will have to make up for later... it got better for me gradually, bit by bit, there was no obvious moment when I felt 'fixed' and everyone has their own timeline. It's not all rainbows etc, but then life isn't, it's all a journey.

Another

I've been working on redefining my definition of a "normal person" since becoming sober. Strive to change your old destructive thoughts to where there's no question to what happiness is. We all addicted or not seek it

CarolD

Time to be a positive sober role model for the children you decided to have.I've yet to meet an adult who said how please and proud they were of drinking and drugging parents.

Think of how you were raised....did that make you a happy child? Was there peace and a feeling of security at home?

Give yourself time to break out of addictions and become the woman you were meant to be...it really is so worth the effort...
Welcome......

ETA

I can relate to SO many things you said.

I am on almost 5 weeks and it's slowly getting better. Stil up and down.

I have been crazy tired - today I took a nap an hour at lunch and then came home from work and slept for 2 1/2 hours. I was doing that every day for 3 weeks but the last 2 weeks I have been able to stay awake after work until bed time every other night or so.

I used to get a ton done while drinking - clean and organize - even excersise drunk. My doctor said it could take 6 months to a year for my body to adjust. When I talked to my therapist about it she said simply me not drinking is probably the most productive thing I have done in years.

I'm hoping it gets better soon too but drinking isn't an option either way. I didn't hit bottom but I grazed it enought to know I was just about on.

I'm certain any pain and suffering I go through now will be worth it. Same for all of us.

WeakLink

My parents both stopped drinking before I can remember. So I don't know, must have been before I was 2?? It's my extended family who drinks now and when I was little and honestly, it didn't affect me much then. It affects me now because I am not sure I can handle being around alcohol at family functions but that isn't what messed me up as a kid.

EmeraldRose

Welcome weaklink...I drank my whole adult life, too...30 years worth of a forgotten drunken stupor. Well, 75% of the time. I did have sober time here and there but always went back to the bottle -and harder each time. I ran a business drunk, I tutored at an elementary school drunk, sold tupperware drunk -did everything drunk or at least with some type of mind altering buzz.
When you are so used to functioning for so many years in a fog you have to give yourself time for that fog to lift. 20 days is a great start and I really hope that you can find the strength to pour out those 4 beers down the drain.
As newly sober we have to first get in touch with ourselves. I never really knew myself and went thru life doing what I was s'posed to, what was expected from me as a wife and mother. Now that the kids are grown, I'm separated and living alone I have me to deal with. Holy schmokes...I never knew me before. I am learning about myself, my weakness', my strengths, what I like what I don't like, I can come and go when I please, I don't have to wrestle anyone for the TV remote and I don't have to politely ask if anyone wants anything when I head to the kitchen. Ahhh....its' great being sober...and remembering it.
The first month or so I took off from life. (I did 6 weeks of rehab) I tried to get into my own head and screw it on straight. I started indulging in learning about my higher power, my inner strength and listening to it when it spoke softly to my heart. I took each day for what it was...I tried to accomplish one thing I didn't want to do along with something I had to do or wanted to do. I learned how to release the fear of worry and learn the correct way to think things thru and let them go. I learned how to sleep well and eat better and have faith that everything would turn out for the best in the end.
There are no schools to learn how to cope with life...life lessons are learned thru mistakes. Coping and learning is a daily learning process that will take more than a month. Everyday brings a new challenge and a new hurdle you need to climb over. Just take it day by day...don't lump everything up and feel overwhelmed and expect to wave a magick wand.
And the best thing I've learned in the first month is patience. Patience in myself, patience in my life and patience that everything will happen in due time when its time. Forcing life will just make everything go array and not run smoothly. Let it be, live it and have peace.