defyinggravity

I had what would have been a minor relapse if I hadn't let it turn into a 5-6-day alcohol/weed binge. It all started with a bad night, an invitation to a friend's house and her boyfriend showing up with a joint. One joint - between 3 people. It was a relapse, but not catastrophic - yet. The next night I found myself wishing for that escape again; I wanted that release. So I got some beer and proceeded to drink myself stupid for the next 2 days. Then, after feeling terrible with hangovers and guilt, I thought, you know what, let's just do this right...bought some weed and the rest is history. Here we are, 4 very high days later, and I'm sober again and committed (? not right now, but I want to want to) to staying sober. But here's the real deal - I'm out of drugs and out of money so right now I don't have a choice. I'm hoping that when the funds are there, I will be able to make the right choice. So, in between now and then, I have to work on being able to make the right choice. I'm so sad - I feel so hopeless about this all. I don't even really know what happened. It was like I was watching myself from outside of my body and something else was controlling my actions. I completely lost control of everything the second I took that first hit.

ajangel

Been there, done that. You are back at it. Don't give up trying.

SSIL75

Every binge begins with one drink or drug. I'm not sure I understand your 'small relapse that I let turn into something bigger' interpretation.

glad you're back!

GracieJane

DG - Sorry about your relapse and all the emotional BS that goes with it. I had one too from Saturday afternoon until 5 a.m. Monday morning -- just days shy of a month sober. It sucks big time, but I'm back on the program, and that's all I can do. Also I'm finding that concentrating on action rather than transient feelings and thoughts really helps. You've got to make a decision that when the funds are there, you'll be here. Sober. End of story. Don't leave that door open to argument and rationalization -- that's what I keep telling myself. I'm pulling for you...

Anna

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but glad you're back here.

My advice is to work on finding different ways to deal with stuff, so when the money is there you are not tempted to buy alcohol and drugs. Recovery means making a lot of changes because the drinking is a symptom only. Maybe you need to stay away from that friend for awhile, too.

Tosh

Hi Defying,

There's an old adage that goes:

If you keep on doing the same old things you'll keep on getting the same old results.

Have you tried any other forms of recovery other than plain old not consuming that first drug/drink?

defyinggravity

I guess what I meant by the whole "small relapse that I let turn into something bigger" thing was that I took maybe 4 hits off of one joint one night. It was a relapse, absolutely, but it wasn't a binge. The problem was the next day - absolutely, it all started with the first hit...but part of me feels like I should have stopped it there (well, I know I should have, but I felt like I should have been able to control it) - but I guess I am just totally out of control of this and the only way to control it is to never do it again. I'm not a social smoker/drinker/anything. I'm an addict. And I can't use. Period.

I actually think this friend will be very supportive - I work with her (so staying away isn't an option, though true, I don't have to socialize) and she's really my closest friend here. I told her previously that I wasn't doing drugs/drinking because of various things going on and she was super supportive - we had our "sober nights" (she does like to go out and drink and stuff, but I'm not into the bar scene and am not even tempted to go along) where we'd watch movies and stuff. But then her bf came over that night with the joint - she said "oh let's put it away for another time" and apologized for him bringing it but I said "nah, let's just do this." She does smoke and does drink, but I know from past experiences with her that she'll do sober stuff with me, too and not do that stuff around me if I ask her not to.

MycoolFitz

I guess its not a minor relapse if it triggered a binge. You say you don't really know what happened but explained it pretty clearly. A wise man once said "We are what we think. With our thoughts we make our world". Your thoughts of wanting release, of why not go all the way? created the world you found yourself in. What if you had thought I want release, but not through drugs or alcohol. I could go all the way but I don't have to, I can be clean and sober even when it seems difficult. If you can learn to watch your thoughts and change them to your ultimate benefit you begin to change your world.

defyinggravity

I just wanted to quickly post and say that I appreciate all the wonderful, supportive advice you're all giving me - and that I recognize it as such. However, I have an extremely negative filter through which all comments pass before coming to my interpretation and my brain/self-esteem/lack of self-worth does terrible things to what people say (especially when I feel bad about myself) - long story short, I feel bad and a little chastised - I KNOW it's not true, PLEASE understand that - my logical healthy brain really, truly appreciates you all and everything you have to say - I really, really do - but what I interpret is "why didn't you just do this, duh? your thinking is wrong. you're doing it all wrong." which I know is not what's being said (or is not being said in the negative light in which I interpret it - because some of my thinking IS wrong, even if no one actually said that...I really, really get that)...so if you'll all excuse me for a bit, I'm going to kick and scream and whine and act like a petulant child in my own corner for a little while (then I'm going to go back to work, like an adult). I'll come back this evening when I can provide mature, rational responses

aidadeb

Dear Defyinggraviry,
I am just like you...I am very sensitive and can interpert things in the wrong context. As you know bad thoughts can send us running back to drinking. I am trying to learn to control my sensitivity and appreciate any advice everyone can give...maybe you can also benefit as well. Don' beat yourself up and hopefully when you get some money you will have had enough time to say no to drinking/weed. I wish you the best!

Dee74

Hi DG

I hope you won't find this too harsh. I think you deserve honesty tho.

I know you've been here before - I was too, many times, not really understanding why.

I needed to *change* things - for me that meant finding support...and it meant looking honestly at whether the people in my life were good for me or not.

There were tough decisions to be made, for sure - but no tougher than the endless groundhog day I used to forever find myself in.

I hope you'll make some good choices.

D